Just Another Online Dating Weirdo

May 2, 2014 //

My profile on the dating site OK Cupid. I get a nibble here and there. Some of the women who write me are pretty damned strange…wonder why.

My self-summary

Born. Grew up. Wrote self-summary. Wow, that was easy.

But seriously, folks…

Do you like upstanding business-driven types? Guys with flashy toys? Dudes whose wardrobes are worth more than the GNP of most third-world countries? You do? Good for you. Now get the hell off my page.

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. Let me start over. I’m a writer/musician type. If I were in the movie “Animal House,” I’d be the guy on the stairs who gets his guitar smashed (thanks, Belushi). I’ve played for 36 years and should be much better than I am, but I’ll still put on a disjointed concert if you ask really nicely. And I won’t even force you to buy my CD. I’m a fan of the Chicago Cubs and the Minnesota Vikings, and for that you may openly mock and/or pity me. I enjoy a day at Arlington Race Track, and if I win $10, I buy a fine fat goose and a dram of absinthe at the marketplace. I have a B.S.E. in English, so if you want to know how to spell “mischievous” or discuss thematic elements in To Kill a Mockingbird, I’m your man. I did stand-up comedy for many years, so feel free to heckle. But don’t be surprised if Rocco in the back there tosses you out.

What I’m doing with my life

Blogging, screenwriting, composing, recording, cajoling, infiltrating, imbibing, televangelizing, sautéing, shredding, loitering, bleeding. Okay, I’m not really bleeding.

P.S. I do have a day job, if that’s important to you.

I’m really good at

Naming all the movies that have won the Best Picture Oscar, being an only-slightly-annoying smartass, making butt-kicking chili.

The first things people usually notice about me

1. The snow-white hair. It’s quite breathtaking. 2. My uncanny resemblance to Chicago radio personality Steve Dahl. 3. My third arm. Just kidding.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food

Books: The Catcher in the Rye, The Godfather, Dracula, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Fisher’s Hornpipe, The Family Fang. And I’m in the .009% of the population who thinks the book Forrest Gump is WAY better than the movie.

Movies: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Pulp Fiction, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Braveheart, Roger & Me, Annie Hall, This Is Spinal Tap, Airplane!, numerous others. I’m a bona fide cinephile. But I try to not be a jerk about it.

Shows: The Simpsons, The Colbert Report, Louie, pretty much anything on HBO Sunday night, Archer, Futurama, Dexter.

Music: The Vandals, Southern Culture on the Skids, Frank Zappa, Liz Phair, Green Day, New Duncan Imperials, The Ramones, Pixies, Dropkick Murphys, They Might Be Giants, lots of others.

Food: Pizza, deep-dish pizza, thin-crust pizza, pan pizza, pizza in a cup, pizza-flavored chewing gum.

Stand-up comics: Louie C.K., Patton Oswalt, Doug Stanhope, Jim Jefferies, Jim Gaffigan, Maria Bamford, Brian Regan. Also love Groucho Marx and W.C. Fields.

The six things I could never do without

Oxygen

Food-like substances

Having total consciousness

My cotton gin

Most of my internal organs

The wit and wisdom of Betty White

I spend a lot of time thinking about

It’s not really THINKING, per se, but mostly the left and right sides of my brain having a really loud and violent lovers’ quarrel.

On a typical Friday night I am

Is Real Time with Bill Maher on? Yeah, that. Or seeing a band with the young clueless hipster crowd.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I have no idea what kind of tampons my ex-wife used.

I’m looking for

Girls who like guys
Ages 35–55
Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if

You’re laid-back and enjoy witty repartee. And please be female. Guys, I appreciate the thought, but you’re barking up the wrong tree and I won’t write back.

Categories Dating, humorous

Business E-mail Tips

April 2, 2014 //

Most of us send multiple e-mails each day at work. Here are a few tips for sounding like a professional.

Make sure your e-mail includes a courteous greeting and closing. Start with something like “You are my sun and stars” or “I sometimes picture you naked” or “Sup, dickhead?” End with “Yours in Mohammad” or “Best friends forever XOXOXO” or “Bite me.”

It’s okay to spell a person’s name incorrectly. They’ll think it’s funny and respect you.

No need to spell-check. Write quickly and hit “send.” And writing in text speak is considered cool.

Don’t be specific. Being vague will get you far in the business world.

Be sure to use plenty of exclamation points!!!!!!! And question marks????? Because you’re enthused!!!!!

WRITE IN ALL CAPS OFTEN. It’s perceived as yelling, and yelling commands respect.

Send attachment files so big they clog the receiver’s inbox. It will force him/her to take you seriously.

Take your time in responding to urgent e-mails. It makes you look busy and superior.

If there are 50 people copied in on an e-mail you receive, and your response only needs to go to one person, send it back to everyone. People enjoy reading things that don’t pertain to them.

Use nonsensical subject lines to lighten the mood. A few examples are “Those dildos you ordered,” “Don’t look behind you,” “Let’s get shitfaced” or “Tyrion Lannister for President 2016!”

Type in sentence fragments and use non sequiturs. People like to exercise their brains trying to decipher cryptic messages.

If you don’t understand an e-mail you received, respond anyway. It makes you look confident.

If asked a question, respond with “wouldn’t YOU like to know?” Again, confidence.

Make your e-mails as long as possible. The recipient probably doesn’t have anything else to do but read your ramblings anyway.

Never thank anyone for their help. I makes you look weak.

If possible, use a black background with red text. It’s easy on the eyes, and you’ll stand out as a creative go-getter.

Comic Sans font is always preferable.

Request a return receipt on every e-mail you send. People like it when you always keep tabs on them.

Forward e-mails to people who have no relevance to the e-mail. It shows you’re thinking about them.

Slip extreme political or religious references in whenever you can. People like conviction.

If you’re really angry, type and send an e-mail immediately. People like honesty.

If you receive an angry e-mail, reply with a photo of your genitals. The tension will subside.

Remember that business e-mails are temporary, so rest easy knowing your company can’t retrieve anything you’ve sent to use against you in a court of law. Happy e-mailing, corporate slave!

Categories humorous

SPOILER ALERT

March 1, 2014 //

I’m in an ornery mood, so here are some movie spoilers (read at your own risk):

SOYLENT GREEN: It’s people.

CITIZEN KANE: Rosebud is a sled.

THE SIXTH SENSE: Bruce Willis is dead people.

SE7EN: Gywneth’s head is in the box.

THE CRYING GAME: The chick is a dude.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS: Verbal Kint is Keyser Soze.

PSYCHO: Norman is also his mother, figuratively.

WILD THINGS: Neve Campbell outwits everybody.

ARLINGTON ROAD: Tim Robbins is a terrorist.

WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?: George and Martha’s son isn’t real.

FRIDAY THE 13^TH: Mrs. Vorhees is the killer.

THE VILLAGE: It’s set in modern times.

APRIL FOOL’S DAY: All the “killings” are an elaborate joke.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP: The chick is a dude.

THE PRESTIGE: Christian Bale has a twin brother.

FIGHT CLUB: Tyler Durden and the narrator are the same person.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

SAW: Jigsaw is the “dead” guy on the floor.

PLANET OF THE APES: They’re really on Earth.

TITANIC: Leonardo dies.

SCREAM: Billy and Stuart are the killers.

THE WICKER MAN: Sgt. Howie gets sacrificed.

NOW YOU SEE ME: Mark Ruffalo is the mastermind.

LOVE STORY: Ali McGraw dies.

OLD YELLER: The kid shoots the dog.

Categories Uncategorized

Advice and Whatnot from a Geezer

February 10, 2014 //

Turned fifty today. Some writer types might ramble on, but here’s just a few insights I’ve garnered over a half-century:

(Editor’s note: this does ramble on a bit. But lucky readers who stick through it to the end will win two tickets to Walley World!)

Don’t buy things you don’t need. And you don’t need most things. Treat yourself once in awhile, but keep it reasonable, fer chrissake. Collecting is okay, but don’t be a hoarder. You’ve seen the TV shows. Yeesh.

LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. The fire’s just as hot the second and third and fourth time you stick your hand in it, idiot.

Wear sunscreen. (Okay, I ripped that off): http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

Some people are mean, spiteful, or just plain cruel. It’s a fact; deal with it. They’re insecure, not worth your time, and karma’s a bitch. Their asses will figuratively and quite possibly literally be kicked.

Ever seen the movie “They Live,” with Rowdy Roddy Piper? Aliens are sending humans subliminal messages, and if you have special glasses, you can read the messages. On all the paper money, the message is “This Is Your God.” Don’t let that message sink in. It’s just a movie. A movie with a way-too-long fight scene, I might add.

Follow your heart, but use your head.

Be as creative as you can as often as you can. There has to be SOME artist in you. Tap that shit.

You may think you know the opposite sex, but you don’t really know the opposite sex. That’s the cosmic joke.

Don’t let just one thing define you. Don’t just be “that guy who’s a superfan of that team” or “that chick who idolizes Johnny Depp” or “the dude who could win any Star Trek trivia contest.” Have a little depth, man. You’re more than that.

Don’t drink and drive. Really, if you’ve had more than a few drinks in couple of hours you shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a vehicle (especially if you’re a tiny wee person). And DUIs are huge moneymakers for municipalities. Don’t give in to The Man.

Help others when you can. You’ll feel good about it.

Don’t be paranoid. Just be cautiously suspicious.

If you don’t know how to cook, learn at least a few simple recipes. Mad kitchen skillz are a good thing to possess.

I don’t care if you’re a theist or an atheist; don’t force your agenda on people. It makes you look desperate.

Eat, drink, and be merry. And make a joyful noise. You’ll feel good about it.

Oh yeah: PLAY NICE.

OTHER STUFF

I know more about myself than I’ve ever known, and I still amaze myself from time to time.

I know more about people’s desires, weaknesses, talents and fears than I’ve ever known, and people still amaze me from time to time.

Spiritually, I’m very in tune and at peace.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL (Added at the last minute and at great expense)

10:30 p.m. on a Saturday

When you’re 10: I’m sleepy, but I fought to stay up this late, so I must persevere.

When you’re 20: Let the party begin!

When you’re 30: The kids are asleep. Wanna bang?

When you’re 40: Who’s hosting SNL tonight?

When you’re 50: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

IN CONCLUSION

Hope everyone who read this far is psyched about going to Walley World! And fellow geezers, look forward to your 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and beyond. It’s only gonna get better.

Cheers! *clinks glasses with everybody*

Categories Uncategorized

Muse Wanted

January 30, 2014 //

Gung-ho creative type looking for reliable, reasonably-priced muse. Aforementioned creative type needs to unblock artistic passages, and seeks an inexpensive feminine spiritual guide with which to bond.

All applicants must be women. (Sorry, fellas, unless you’re Lennon or McCartney, you’re not a good muse.) Intelligence, punctuality and unbridled whimsy a must.

Must be able to start immediately. These 22 screenplays, 15 songs, 8 TV pilots, 5 novels and hundreds of poems aren’t going to finish themselves.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Inspiring, intriguing, tantalizing, inspiring, light office work. I may ask you to dictate while I drunkenly ramble. But mostly sparking my brain with your womanly charm. Maybe make a sandwich here and there.

SALARY: Negotiable. Just remember I got heavy alimony and child support payments. I WILL provide free cheap vodka and Triscuits.

WORK ENVIRONMENT: I’m flexible; wherever you feel most charming. Be warned that I have a horrid fear of tambourines and am allergic to most fabrics. And I prefer to be around booze.

Interested females should send a list of reasons you’re a top-notch muse to bigstudmuffinwriter@aol.com. Please write. I need you. Even this ad is lackluster. Really, I got nothin’.

Categories humorous

Elvis Has Left the Grave

December 28, 2013 //

I got a screenwriting bug up my butt last year and started a couple of screenplays. This is one for which I have a general story idea, but mainly got something down to amuse myself and get some practice. So I’m pretty sure it’s dead, like Elvis. Or IS he dead…?

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE GRAVE

INT: GRACELAND, DAY

A large group of people follow a tour guide around Elvis’ palacial estate. They stop in front of his pink Cadillac.

GUIDE

And here we have Elvis’ famous pink

Cadillac. You’ve probably heard the

Bruce Springsteen song “Pink Cadillac.”

The crowd murmurs approval.

GUIDE

It’s a good song, but it has nothing to

do with this car.

The crowd murmurs disappointment.

GUIDE

Most people don’t know that Elvis gave

an expensive car to everyone he knew, even

his cousin Earl, who he hated ever since

Earl shot him in the toe with a BB gun.

WOMAN IN GROUP

(to husband)

Elvis was such a good man. I wish he was

alive. I’d sell my tits to see him in concert.

HUSBAND

Me too, honey. And the goddamn kids, too.

THE KIDS, of which there are five, all under the age of 10, are screaming and fighting with each other obnoxiously.

TITLE CARD: LATER THAT NIGHT

EXT: GRACELAND, NIGHT

Shot of Elvis’ tombstone. It’s raining heavily with a lot of dramatic thunder and lightning. We pan down to the grave soil and suddenly a pale, rotted hand shoots out of the ground. There are ornate rings on every finger.

INT: SMALL RUN-DOWN APARTMENT, SAME NIGHT

TOMMY, 30, sits at a small table, poring over paperwork. His girlfriend, TAMMY, 26, lies listlessly on a couch watching TV. TOMMY throws down his pen in disgust.

TOMMY

There ain’t no way we can pay all these

fuckin’ bills. I think we can keep

the electric on, but I don’t know about

the phone. And we got just enough for

this month’s rent.

TAMMY

So go make more money.

TOMMY

And how about YOU makin’ some money, lazyass?

You sit around here all day while I bust my

ass drivin’ a forklift for peanuts.

TAMMY

You know I got a bad back.

TOMMY

How could I forget? Your “bad back” gives

me blue balls most of the time.

He shakes his cigarette pack. It’s empty.

TOMMY

Fuck, and now I’m outta smokes.

He looks out the window. It’s really bad weather out there.

TOMMY

I’m goin’ to the Qwik-E-Shop for cigs.

TAMMY

Are you nuts? Wait till the rain stops.

TOMMY

Between you and the bills, I need some fuckin’

nicotine NOW.

He grabs his coat and heads for the door.

INT: CAR, SAME NIGHT

TOMMY is driving in pouring rain, wipers doing their best. It’s very hard for him to see clearly, but at least it’s late at night and there’s not much traffic. Suddenly, a figure lurches into his path. He sees it barely in time but skids a little on the wet pavement and heavily hits the figure, which falls to the ground. He freaks out for a bit, then finally gets out of the car to help whomever he hit.

Surprisingly, the figure is standing when he gets out. He’s dressed in an elaborate costume, and looks sort of…rotted.

TOMMY

Hey, man, you okay? You came outta nowhere…

ELVIS

(dazed)

Yeah, baby. I just feel…confused.

TOMMY

You don’t look so good. You need to go to

a hospital?

ELVIS

No, baby. Elvis is fine. Where’s my guitar?

TOMMY

Wait…did you say “Elvis?”

ELVIS

That’s right. You seen Priscilla?

TOMMY

You know Elvis has been dead for over 30 years.

ELVIS

Maybe that’s why I’m so durn confused.

TOMMY

(playing along)

Tell you what, Elvis. You seem okay, so

get in my car and let’s get out of the rain.

I’d like to talk to you.

INT: PARKED CAR, SAME NIGHT

TOMMY is in the parking lot of the Qwik-E-Shop with ELVIS in the passenger seat. He smokes a cigarette but is still a little shaken; ELVIS stares forward blankly.

TOMMY

So you swear you’re Elvis. I gotta say,

you look like Elvis if he’d been in the fuckin’

ground a while.

ELVIS

I don’t know, man. Everything’s like a freaky

blender in my head. Is Colonel Tom around?

That cat could straighten things out.

TOMMY

Okay. There ain’t no mental hospitals around,

so I don’t think you’re an escaped loony. You

fuckin’ stink like a dead guy, you took a hit

from my car, and you really look like Elvis.

Well, a dead Elvis.

ELVIS

I don’t know what the deal is, baby. I just

wanna play some songs.

TOMMY

Great idea. I got a old guitar at home. Let’s

go there. I want you to meet my girlfriend.

INT: APARTMENT, NIGHT

TOMMY and ELVIS enter through the door. TAMMY is still on the couch, engrossed and oblivious.

TOMMY

Honey, I want you to meet a fella I ran

into tonight.

TAMMY looks up, sees the stranger, and immediately sits upright.

TAMMY

Who the fuck is that?

TOMMY

This here is Elvis Presley. I brought him

over to play some songs.

TAMMY

Even a retard knows Elvis is dead. Who is

he really? He don’t look so good.

ELVIS

Elvis Presley, ma’am. Pleased to meetcha.

Where’s that guitar?

TOMMY

I’ll go get it.

He exits the room.

TAMMY

(completely suspicious)

So, Elvis, how did you meet Tommy tonight?

ELVIS

Funny thing, ma’am. He hit me with his car.

TAMMY

What?!

ELVIS

Yeah. Best I can figgur, I came outta the

grave and stumbled in front of his car.

Kinda funny, if ya think about it.

TAMMY

So you’re…zombie Elvis?

ELVIS

I ain’t completely sure, ma’am, but it seems

like it’s turnin’ out to be that way.

TOMMY enters with the guitar and hands it to ELVIS. He strums it a bit.

ELVIS

Now that’s the stuff, baby.

He launches into a great rendition of “Hound Dog,” during which TOMMY and TAMMY often stare at each other in awe. When he finishes, they both enthusiastically applaud.

TOMMY

Tell you what, Elvis. You can stay with us

as long as you like. Our home is your home.

Just keep playing, okay?

He looks at TAMMY, who nods in approval – she’s won over by his performance, regardless of what he may be. Plus, there may be potential dollars in this.

ELVIS

Sure thing, man. I appreciate it. Say,

I’m kinda hungry. Got anything to eat?

TAMMY

We got some leftover Hamburger Helper in

the fridge. That sound good?

ELVIS

I was thinkin’ legs, hearts or brains.

TOMMY

(confused)

You mean like a chicken?

ELVIS

I mean, baby, like a human. The King’s

gotta eat.

Categories humorous, Screenplay

Prove It, or Better Yet, Don’t

December 21, 2013 //

What have you got to prove?

You know what I’m talking about. There’s always a time when you have to prove something. Or maybe you have something to prove all the time. Who ya gotta impress, playa?

Here are the only times I feel I have to impress anybody:

I’m at a job interview. (I’m totes the dude for the position.)

I’m interacting with my boss. (Did you ride your Harley in today? Bitchin’.)

I meet a woman who’s definitely a thumbs-up. (I’m staring at your boobs, but hopefully I’m witty.)

I’m in front of a judge in a court of law. (I drink to drown the voices in my head. Whaddya want from me, yer honor?!)

I’m performing for an audience. (What’s up with the government? Am I right? *insert song parody*)

Any other time? I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what people think.

But some people always have something to prove; some reason they feel they have to impress you. Why is that?

I have a theory: if you constantly have to prove you’re a certain way, then you have serious doubts you ARE that way, and you’re trying to convince others you’re not insecure about it.

Trying really hard to let people know how hip and with-it you are? Guess what, you doubt that you’re hip. Trying really hard to let people know how funny you are? Guess what, you doubt that you’re funny (and most likely others do, too). Trying really hard to let everyone know how heterosexual you are? Guess what, you’re conflicted.

Then there are those who constantly want to argue and prove their opinion is right. Reality check: OPINION IS NOT FACT. And how many times do arguments actually change anyone’s mind? As Sammy Hagar sang, “To me, it’s all just mental masturbation.”

It all rolls back around to insecurity, a topic on which I’ve posted before. I’ve never understood adults (kids/teenagers get a pass) who desperately crave attention and validation. I know it’s cliché to say “love yourself,” but dammit, love yourself, man.

SORT-OF POINT OF THE STORY: Quit trying to prove yourself. You have no reason to impress the people who really matter. They’re impressed with you anyway. Relax and be yourself.

Categories humorous

Breakdown, Go Ahead, Give It to Me

December 3, 2013 //

My brain doesn’t usually work in numbers, but when you’re on a tight budget, the brain’s forced to work in numbers somewhat.

I’m on an hourly wage. I started thinking about how many hours each month were spent on each expense. The following is based on a 35-hour week, 140 hours per month. Here’s roughly what I spend:

Gas = 8 hrs

Food = 13 hrs

Booze = 8 hrs

Rent = 64 hrs

Medicine = 4 hours

Electric = 2 – 7 hrs, depending on the season

Cable + Internet = 11 hrs

Cat food/litter = 2 hours

Entertainment (movies, restaurants, pub nights, concerts, etc.) = 6 hours

Phone = 6 hours

Car insurance = 4 hours

Cigarettes = 6 hours

Sundries = 6 hours

Which leaves me approximately 1 hour to put into savings. Yeah, right. I’m throwin’ that in the booze category for an extra twelve-pack.

Categories humorous

Fame, What’s Your Name? It’s Exploiting the Stupid

November 8, 2013 //

I’ve devised a plan for getting famous, and it’s pretty simple.

First, I’ll gather all the ultra-right-wing photo memes I can find. I’ll scour the Internet for any kind of knee-jerk anti-liberal/Democrat cartoon or “humorous” photo with text. I won’t care if they’re accurate or not, or how horrible the grammar and spelling are, as long as they appeal to a very base-level mentality. Christian dogma will be included. Oh yeah, and lots of pro-gun and pro-military stuff.

I’ll then collect links to every conservative site I can find. There’ll be the obvious ones, like Fox News, Breitbart, and Drudge, but anyone’s welcome. Again, accuracy is optional. Bashing of minorities and the poor will get top priority.

Then I’ll create a Facebook page and a Twitter account with a snappy, snarky anti-lib title. “Libs Are Idiots and They Vote” or “How Many Dems Does It Take To Screw Up A Country” come to mind, if they aren’t already taken (I’ll work on this).

Then I’ll start posting and tweeting several of the photos and cartoons and biased story links every day. I’ll add comments like “WTF?? Can you believe this??!!!” and “This is so true!!!” and “This is just like those idiot libs!!!”

Soon I’ll get 1,000 “likes.” Then 5,000, then 10,000. Word will spread and I’ll get a bunch of “shares.” I’ll get thousands of retweets. I’ll keep it simple and brainless and flag-waving, and blindly crap on any liberal naysayers. Before you know it, I’ll have 500,000 “likes” and at least as many Twitter followers.

From there on out it’ll be a cakewalk. I’ll be on TV talk shows and radio shows and podcasts and get to hang out Glenn Beck and Ted Nugent and Patricia Heaton and maybe even Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin.

And that’s how I’ll use social media to ride a wave of ignorance and hatred straight to the top. I’m gunnin’ for ya, Hannity and Limbaugh. God Bless America!!!!

Categories Politics

PC Games: My Favorite Brain Food

November 7, 2013 //

I haven’t added to the blog in awhile. Usually that means I’m in a creative void (it happens), but sometimes it means I’m distracted by cool computer games.

I’ve been playing games since I first got a computer in 1994. Lord only knows how many hours I’ve spent on them, but it’s probably millions. Here are some of my favorites. NOTE: I’m a sucker for a good strategy/sim/tycoon game. And you’ll notice many of these are from the 90’s.

Starcraft

Futuristic version of the Warcraft games. While I sunk a ton of time into Warcraft 2, Starcraft is one of the best real-time strategy (RTS) games I’ve ever played, with three different races and lots of cool units and upgrades.

Fairy Godmother Tycoon

I know, sounds like a kid’s game. But it’s a very fun tycoon sim where you sell potions to town inhabitants with various weird ailments. Funny fairytale references throughout.

Simcity 2000

Great city-building sim. I learned a lot about city planning from this game. No real objective, just build a metropolis — and you can send aliens to destroy your creation.

Tropico 3 & 4

Basically a city-building sim, but with a twist: you’re the dictator of a banana republic island. Tropico 4 has slightly better graphics than 3, but they’re both great. Grow and export food and products, get mines and logging industry going, quell rebel attacks, keep your inhabitants happy, and win elections to continue being El Presidente. You can also issue insane megalomaniac edicts just for the hell of it.

All My Gods

Simple resource-gathering city-building game. Clear land, explore ruins, grow food, and build structures to keep all the gods happy.

Chocolatier: Decadence by Design

Pretty basic graphics and gameplay, but a challenging and unique game. Your goal is to take charge of an international chocolate company, and you traverse the globe to buy ingredients and manufacture chocolate bars, coffee, and other delicacies. I like the arcade-style way you set your factory production.

Dungeon Keeper 2

A groovy variation of the resource-gathering/building game: you’re an evil master of a dungeon and control your minions. Dig for gold and build rooms to attract monsters to protect your underground lair from the intruding good guys.

Master of Magic

A turn-based 4x game (expand, explore, exploit, exterminate) that’s very fun and relies heavily on building up magic spell-casting points. Simple graphics, great gameplay.

Heroes of Might and Magic 3

I just recently discovered this and hoo-boy, is it a blast. Turn-based strategy with a fantasy setting. Build up fantastical troops and take over everything. Fun fact: while I avoid using cheat codes, all cheat codes in this game are lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Grand Theft Auto III/GTA Vice City

This franchise is a money-making machine. I haven’t played the newer ones, but these are great to play when you’re drunk and want to take out aggression by jacking and wrecking cars and running over people.

Duke Nukem 3D

I’m not really into first-person shooters, but I did enjoy Doom, and this game takes it a step further by cranking up the humor element. How can you not love Duke looking in the mirror and saying, “Damn, I’m lookin’ good”?

Rollercoaster Tycoon 3

Easily one of my favorite tycoon games. Build the perfect amusement part complete with thrill/kiddie/gentle rides, food and souvenir stands, and of course rollercoasters. Hire entertainers and mechanics, and janitors to clean up the puke. The coolest parts are designing your own coasters and getting to ride the rides.

Master of Orion 2

Another 4x game, set in space, where you take over the universe. I’ve also played the original MOO and MOO3, but this is my favorite.

Command & Conquer, C&C Red Alert

Along with Warcraft, C&C revolutionized the RTS genre. Play as either the good guys or the bad guys, with cool storylines throughout. Build armies and go kick ass. Online play chat spawned the old meme: “Im in ur base, killin ur doodz.”

Sid Meier’s Pirates!

This was originally on the NES way back when, but got updated for the PC about 10 years ago. It’s hard to describe, and there’s kind of an objective, but mainly you sail around a map of the Caribbean and sink and plunder ships and towns. There’s swashbuckling action, but you also have to excel at dancing if the town’s mayor’s daughter asks you to the ball.

Civilization IV

I haven’t played Civ V, but this is simply a fantastic turn-based 4x game with lots of cool features. I’ve sunk a load of time into this.

M.U.L.E.

A very old resource–gathering economic game. A friend in college had this, and I must’ve driven him nuts with all my requests to play.

Plants vs. Zombies

I enjoy the occasional tower defense game, and this one not only has great gameplay, but also a great sense of humor. You plop down aggressive plants to defend your house as the increasingly-tough zombies shamble into your yard uttering, “braaains.”

Quarterpole

Old horse-racing sim. You get to bet on races as well as claim and buy horses. Pretty basic graphics, but a very fun game.

Total Annihilation

Another blow-em-up RTS game. This is one of the best as far as sheer mayhem, explosions, and body count (or, in this case, robot count).

Theme Park

Came out way before Rollercoaster Tycoon 3, but still a fun amusement-park sim. Followed by Theme Hospital, which isn’t nearly as fun.

Diablo

One of the best hack n’ slash dungeon role-playing games. Gather resources and artifacts, fight monsters, level up. A recent incarnation is Torchlight, another addictive game.

X-Com: UFO Defense

God, what a frustratingly awesome game. It came out in 1994, and I had to buy the strategy guide to get through it – and I think I beat it once. The premise: aliens are invading earth, and you’re in charge of eliminating/controlling them. The turn-based battles can get depressing when 70% of your soldiers get whacked. You win by building a ship that can travel to Mars, where you fight the big boss on his own turf. But once you land on Mars, half your guys go berserk and start randomly shooting while still inside the ship, leaving you with just a few guys to do the big battle. Still, a very complex game for the time, and always on web lists of “greatest PC games of all time.”

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