Most of us send multiple e-mails each day at work.  Here are a few tips for sounding like a professional.

 

Make sure your e-mail includes a courteous greeting and closing.  Start with something like “You are my sun and stars” or “I sometimes picture you naked” or “Sup, dickhead?”  End with “Yours in Mohammad” or “Best friends forever XOXOXO” or “Bite me.”

It’s okay to spell a person’s name incorrectly.  They’ll think it’s funny and respect you.

No need to spell-check.  Write quickly and hit “send.”  And writing in text speak is considered cool.

Don’t be specific.  Being vague will get you far in the business world.

Be sure to use plenty of exclamation points!!!!!!! And question marks?????  Because you’re enthused!!!!!

WRITE IN ALL CAPS OFTEN.  It’s perceived as yelling, and yelling commands respect.

Send attachment files so big they clog the receiver’s inbox.  It will force him/her to take you seriously.

Take your time in responding to urgent e-mails.  It makes you look busy and superior.

If there are 50 people copied in on an e-mail you receive, and your response only needs to go to one person, send it back to everyone.  People enjoy reading things that don’t pertain to them.

Use nonsensical subject lines to lighten the mood.  A few examples are “Those dildos you ordered,” “Don’t look behind you,” “Let’s get shitfaced” or “Tyrion Lannister for President 2016!”

Type in sentence fragments and use non sequiturs.  People like to exercise their brains trying to decipher cryptic messages.

If you don’t understand an e-mail you received, respond anyway.  It makes you look confident.

If asked a question, respond with “wouldn’t YOU like to know?”  Again, confidence.

Make your e-mails as long as possible.  The recipient probably doesn’t have anything else to do but read your ramblings anyway.

Never thank anyone for their help.  I makes you look weak.

If possible, use a black background with red text.  It’s easy on the eyes, and you’ll stand out as a creative go-getter.

Comic Sans font is always preferable.

Request a return receipt on every e-mail you send.  People like it when you always keep tabs on them.

Forward e-mails to people who have no relevance to the e-mail.  It shows you’re thinking about them.

Slip extreme political or religious references in whenever you can.  People like conviction.

If you’re really angry, type and send an e-mail immediately.  People like honesty.

If you receive an angry e-mail, reply with a photo of your genitals.  The tension will subside.

 

Remember that business e-mails are temporary, so rest easy knowing your company can’t retrieve anything you’ve sent to use against you in a court of law.  Happy e-mailing, corporate slave!

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