Archives for category: humorous

Here are some little-known facts about the 45th president of The United States.

He once ate 50 hard-boiled eggs on a prison bet

He can create or destroy his own bone spurs simply with the power of his mind

His digestive system processes fats and oils into high-quality diamonds

He auditioned for “The Apprentice” wearing only a dunce cap

His total net worth is a gazillion rubles, give or take a few

His wife has appeared nude in several children’s books

He was bassist in the short-lived death metal band “Killer Komrade”

He is a current member of the New York Syphilis Association, Letches In Jesus’ Name, and Universal Golfers For Hate

He knows Vladimir Putin’s nickname for his wang

He thought he discovered Atlantis, but it was just a clam

He set every sports record at his high school through a complicated series of bribes and bake-offs

He frequents McDonalds because he only eats at Irish restaurants

His children have degrees in Sheet Metal Bending, Flower Extermination, and Hot Yoga

He once found buried treasure, but was robbed by buccaneers and democrats

His casinos failed only because gambler Sammy “The Shark” Mancini got on a hot streak at the craps table

His childhood dog, Total Loser, was struck by lightning then run over by a steamroller

He climbed Pike’s Peak, fell off, climbed again, fell off again, then ate a burrito

His love of money is surpassed only by his love of playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots

He once shackled his children to the radiator for accidentally setting fire to his porn collection

He can often be found in his bedroom cranking the Kris Kross hit “Jump”

He has been seen several times pourin’ out a 40 for his homies

He prefers plastic silverware because there’s less chance of poking an eye out

His blood pressure is roughly the equivalent of a puma on steroids

His family can be traced back to Pangea

His sometimes-slurred speech is due to a childhood mishap involving a blowtorch, a raisin, and the Pope

He drinks 36 Diet Cokes a day, and crushes each can with his butt cheeks

His admiration of China is based on Mickey Rooney’s character in “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”

His I.Q. is exactly twice that of his golf handicap

He distrusts dry cleaners, so he showers in his suits

He has 500 pounds of Trump Steaks in his freezer

His favorite movie is “Encino Man,” his favorite TV show is “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” and his favorite book is “Mein Kampf”

He is an avid caber-tosser and won third at the Dayton Regional Toss-Off in 1992

He has been known to adopt shelter animals, then release them into the wild

He has an abnormal thyroid that sometimes makes him spontaneously do the hokey-pokey

He was insecure about the size of his hands, so he had larger hands grafted on

He shaves with a straight razor lubricated with the tears of infants

His gold-plated toilet has been shat in 42,810 times

He often contributes to such charities as The Golf Digest Fund, Save The Billionaires, and Homeless Republicans United

His mother liked to call him “Little Donny Bag Of Hammers”

He once cured himself of rickets by immersing his body in gun oil

His signature hair is a result of Prell, yellow dye #13, vigorous massaging, and daily prayer

He was briefly a sportswriter for his college paper, but was fired for poor grammar, fabricating statistics, and huffing crushed Sweet Tarts

He sleeps on a bed of nails surrounded by yachts and pixies

Of all his wives, he likes what’s-her-name the best

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So there we were, the good ol’ USA, cruising along at a nice, progressive clip. Folks were, for the most part, relatively civil and sharp. Politeness and respect were common.

Then a new sheriff came to town. This guy changed the rules. It’s now okay to do many things that were generally considered not okay. An incomplete list:

Be misogynistic

Wired to respect women? Screw that! Now you grab all the pussy you want. Are you a white male? Bonus points! If a woman ever calls you out on anything, just cry and call her a lying whore. Objectifying and being rapey are the new norm.

Be racist

Come on, you know you hate anyone who doesn’t share your ethnicity. Let your Nazi and KKK freak flags fly high. And you’re good people — the sheriff said so. Remember: racial slurs are cool!

Be xenophobic

You no longer have to contain your unmitigated rage against those damned foreigners. Keep ’em the hell out and make ‘em stay the hell out (except white people who speak English). That wall must be built before the criminal drug-carrying rapists get you.

Name-call

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” HA! Goodbye class, hello wicked insults. Slam people to your heart’s content. The sheriff recommends defamatory nicknames like “Crooked,” “Cryin’,” and “Non-Pussy-Grabbin’”.

Be ignorant

Remember when people used to care about knowing things? Yeah, you don’t need to do that. Ignorance is now mainstream. The sheriff loves the ignorant. Stand next to a friend who’s wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt!

Bully

The sheriff’s wife has a crusade against this, but the sheriff just wishes she’d shut up and stay in the kitchen (see “Be misogynistic”). It’s kosher to intimidate those weaker than you. Bully away!

Use poor grammar and spelling

Actually, this was always kind-of-okay, but the sheriff often doesn’t write so good, so it’s now acceptable to write however you want. All caps and lots of exclamation points is completely acceptable.

Be divisive

You must have an enemy. It’s all Us vs. Them. There is no middle ground. You’re either with us or against us. “Owning” the other side should give you great joy. The sheriff is a master divider.

Be in a cult

This used to be a big no-no. Remember Jonestown? Ever heard the Scientology horror stories? But now it’s fine to follow an insane megalomaniac, never questioning anything he says or does, slavishly devoting yourself to him wholly and fully.

That’s it for now. Whew! Thanks, sheriff. We can all be truly awful people again.

Back in the late 90s and early 00s, I worked at a toy company (I won’t say the name, but their hit toy rhymes with “Schmurby”). It was the most fun company I ever worked for, and I got to know most of the employees.

One of my coworkers was a 22-year-old, Sheila (not her real name). Sheila was nice, down-to-earth, had a good sense of humor, was happily married, and ecstatic that she had newborn twins. She’d often stop by my cubicle to chat.

Also: Sheila was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I won’t go into a physical description because we haven’t kept in touch and my memory’s a bit foggy, but suffice to say she was a definite head-turner.

If a group of us went out for drinks after work, most guys at the bar (I’m not exaggerating here) would take turns hitting on her. She’d politely turn all of them down. One particularly interested guy claimed to be from a modeling agency and gave her his card.

After I got to know her pretty well, I asked her a question while we were cube-chatting one day. I said, “this may sound a bit strange, but…what’s it like looking like you do?”

She wasn’t surprised at all, and replied, “it’s hard, because you have what every guy wants.”

I said, “that’s exactly what I thought it’d be like.”

I already knew most of the male employees acted like idiots around her, but she’d tell me stories of how some of the women were very bitchy to her – jealous of her looks and the attention she got.

I should stress that she didn’t dress inappropriately or give anyone the impression she was interested in anybody. In fact, she was one of the most normal women I’ve ever worked with. And in case you’re wondering, she had average-sized boobs.

But I felt sorry for her. Can you imagine: you’re happily married, well-adjusted, love your family, and just want to live your life – and nearly everywhere you go, men behave like horny apes and women get pissy with you?

Anyway, I sympathize with the world’s truly beautiful women who just want a normal life. Beautiful men? Eh, deal with it, hombre.

I played football all through high school, but was never really much good at it. My freshman, year, though (in Carlyle, IL), I pulled off one feat that impressed even me.

Can’t remember who we were playing, but we were down, and I was playing defensive secondary. They were deep in their own territory, and the running back broke loose. He was on his way to an eighty-five-yard touchdown.

Not on my watch.

I quickly said “oh shit!” and sprinted toward the goal line, angling toward him from the right.

I was closing in, but he was not giving up. I ran as fast as I could, dove, and grabbed him by the ankle. He came down at the 2 yard line. Our meager fan base loved it.

They scored on the next play and we suffered a defeat, but still, ya know, I ran that bastard down.

The next day we were in English class with our buxom teacher, Dixie Parsons. And yes, she was as attractive and charming as her name implies. Long black hair, nice rack. In short: the kind of teacher a 15-year-old boy wants to impress.

One of my teammates asked, “Miss Parsons, did you see our game last night?”

She pondered a moment and said, “Yes, yes I did. And you know what impressed me the most? When Mr. Webel ran all the way down the field and tackled that guy.”

I can’t remember if I got an erection, but I probably did.

These days, we’re bombarded with information. TV, Internet, radio, you name it. So much news is thrown at us it’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not. Especially when we have president who tells us certain news is fake news…which confuses things even further.

I took a class in college called “Critical Thinking.” It was a general education class – but one of the best gen ed classes I ever took.

Every class, we’d nitpick a few short articles; real articles from magazines. The professor (who was quite sharp, and looked like the singer from Midnight Oil) would literally dissect every sentence. Why did the author use this particular adjective or this particular phrasing? Why is the author mentioning something that doesn’t seem relevant to the story? Is the author, either bluntly or subtly, trying to sway you toward a particular type of thinking?

I learned a lot. (Got a B, though, because I missed too many classes due to hangovers.)

Anyway, use your head when you intake news. I used to write for a small-town newspaper, and I know how hard it can be, as a writer, to remain objective sometimes. Just be smart, think about every word and sentence you’re reading or hearing, and use your best impartial judgment.

Oh yeah – use those same standards for everything that comes out of the White House. And the president’s mouth.

Not long ago, Louis C.K. premiered a show, Horace & Pete, on his site. He wrote, directed and stars in it. You have to pay for the episodes, so I only watched a few (I’m cheap).

The show is set in a bar and revolves around its owners and patrons, kind of like a more existential “Cheers.” In one episode, two regulars start arguing politics.

Another regular steps in and says, “wait a minute. Let me ask you guys something.”

He asks the conservative, “what’s your description of a liberal?” The conservative lists several negative things.

He asks the liberal, “what’s your description of a conservative?” Likewise, a list of several negative things.

The intermediary asks, “if you both have this predetermined opinion of each other, how are you ever going to reach an agreement?”

Another regular laughs and says, “you think they WANT to agree?”

 

That pretty much sums up how I feel about US politics these days. It’s all us-versus-them. I lean to the left, mainly because I’ve always felt that democratic policies were more in line with my beliefs than republican policies.

But I’m willing to meet in the middle. We need to get this big ol’ USA ship righted again. If you can honestly get me to see the light about something, I’ll admit defeat and change my mind. But you should also be big enough to do the same.

In the meantime, all this name-calling and hatred isn’t getting the country anywhere. You know, “united we stand, divided we fall” and all that.

P.S. I still stand by my assertion that the president’s definitely not right in the head. Can we at least agree on that?

It’s inauguration day for the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. I made a jokey post about this several months before the election, but folks, this is not a drill.

I’d like to be excited about it. I’d like to think, “this guy might just actually do a good job. I mean, he DID get elected.”

But I’m very, very skeptical. It’s amazing how incredibly and unbelievably skeptical I am. My skepticism is HUGE.

Trump is the tenth president in my lifetime. And while I’ve liked some of those guys more than others, I’ve never actually felt, “this guy scares me.”

Most people I know are aware that I have bipolar disorder. I’ve had manic episodes where I’ve thought, believed, and said some pretty bizarre things. I’ve spent time in mental wards where I’ve met all kinds of wacky individuals.

My point is: I’m a pretty good judge of crazy. And as far as Trump goes, to quote Keith Olbermann, “there is something very wrong with him.”

Not convinced? Follow him on Twitter. (Actually, you don’t need to do that; every tweet is some kind of national news.) Once in a while he’ll seem semi-presidential, but mostly he just attacks his critics and sounds like an insecure fifth-grader taunting kids on the playground. “I’m better than you and you’ll pay attention to me, you losers!” He enjoys telling people they’re overrated, unfunny, or sad. Kind of like someone who’s not right in the head.

He’s not even going to use the official @POTUS account because he’s afraid he’ll lose followers. Yeesh. I tell ya, former reality TV stars and punch lines since the 80s these days…

 

Anyway, Mr. President, I really do wish you the best (for everyone’s sake). All I ask is that you get some serious psychiatric help. Like, real soon.

And please don’t kill us all. That would suck.

 

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