Archives for category: Politics

Morning Scare
Wake up and be terrified before your daily commute

Hannity’s Hologram
Ranting hologram of the beloved host, who died of gout in 2023

The Evil Speaker
Revealing the malevolence of Speaker of the House Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The Confederacy Lives
Reliving the good ol’ days of southern pride and owning people

Down with Brown
Divulging the ugly truth about the murder-crazed brown people

The Big Hoax
In-depth discussions about God’s plan to fry the planet

Spot the Liberal
Game show; host James Woods goes into city streets and challenges contestants to spot wacky liberals

Bombshell Bonanza
A lot of uneducated blondes sit around and talk trash

Atheist Baby-Killers
Exposing the godless liberal agenda to wipe out humanity

The Ingraham Headlock
Laura Ingraham gets guests in headlocks

Not White Power Hour
So totally not about white power, we swear

Border Crisis Central
Updates on how the wall has slowed illegal immigration by .00002%

The Dummycrats
Loops of doctored videos showing the dumbness of the dems

Crimewave USA
Reporting every single crime in the USA

The Second Goddamn Amendment
For firearms fetishists and angry people in general

Tomi Raw
Tomi Lahren spouts ignorance while completely nude (top-rated show)

Here are some little-known facts about the 45th president of The United States.

He once ate 50 hard-boiled eggs on a prison bet

He can create or destroy his own bone spurs simply with the power of his mind

His digestive system processes fats and oils into high-quality diamonds

He auditioned for “The Apprentice” wearing only a dunce cap

His total net worth is a gazillion rubles, give or take a few

His wife has appeared nude in several children’s books

He was bassist in the short-lived death metal band “Killer Komrade”

He is a current member of the New York Syphilis Association, Letches In Jesus’ Name, and Universal Golfers For Hate

He knows Vladimir Putin’s nickname for his wang

He thought he discovered Atlantis, but it was just a clam

He set every sports record at his high school through a complicated series of bribes and bake-offs

He frequents McDonalds because he only eats at Irish restaurants

His children have degrees in Sheet Metal Bending, Flower Extermination, and Hot Yoga

He once found buried treasure, but was robbed by buccaneers and democrats

His casinos failed only because gambler Sammy “The Shark” Mancini got on a hot streak at the craps table

His childhood dog, Total Loser, was struck by lightning then run over by a steamroller

He climbed Pike’s Peak, fell off, climbed again, fell off again, then ate a burrito

His love of money is surpassed only by his love of playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots

He once shackled his children to the radiator for accidentally setting fire to his porn collection

He can often be found in his bedroom cranking the Kris Kross hit “Jump”

He has been seen several times pourin’ out a 40 for his homies

He prefers plastic silverware because there’s less chance of poking an eye out

His blood pressure is roughly the equivalent of a puma on steroids

His family can be traced back to Pangea

His sometimes-slurred speech is due to a childhood mishap involving a blowtorch, a raisin, and the Pope

He drinks 36 Diet Cokes a day, and crushes each can with his butt cheeks

His admiration of China is based on Mickey Rooney’s character in “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”

His I.Q. is exactly twice that of his golf handicap

He distrusts dry cleaners, so he showers in his suits

He has 500 pounds of Trump Steaks in his freezer

His favorite movie is “Encino Man,” his favorite TV show is “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” and his favorite book is “Mein Kampf”

He is an avid caber-tosser and won third at the Dayton Regional Toss-Off in 1992

He has been known to adopt shelter animals, then release them into the wild

He has an abnormal thyroid that sometimes makes him spontaneously do the hokey-pokey

He was insecure about the size of his hands, so he had larger hands grafted on

He shaves with a straight razor lubricated with the tears of infants

His gold-plated toilet has been shat in 42,810 times

He often contributes to such charities as The Golf Digest Fund, Save The Billionaires, and Homeless Republicans United

His mother liked to call him “Little Donny Bag Of Hammers”

He once cured himself of rickets by immersing his body in gun oil

His signature hair is a result of Prell, yellow dye #13, vigorous massaging, and daily prayer

He was briefly a sportswriter for his college paper, but was fired for poor grammar, fabricating statistics, and huffing crushed Sweet Tarts

He sleeps on a bed of nails surrounded by yachts and pixies

Of all his wives, he likes what’s-her-name the best

So there we were, the good ol’ USA, cruising along at a nice, progressive clip. Folks were, for the most part, relatively civil and sharp. Politeness and respect were common.

Then a new sheriff came to town. This guy changed the rules. It’s now okay to do many things that were generally considered not okay. An incomplete list:

Be misogynistic

Wired to respect women? Screw that! Now you grab all the pussy you want. Are you a white male? Bonus points! If a woman ever calls you out on anything, just cry and call her a lying whore. Objectifying and being rapey are the new norm.

Be racist

Come on, you know you hate anyone who doesn’t share your ethnicity. Let your Nazi and KKK freak flags fly high. And you’re good people — the sheriff said so. Remember: racial slurs are cool!

Be xenophobic

You no longer have to contain your unmitigated rage against those damned foreigners. Keep ’em the hell out and make ‘em stay the hell out (except white people who speak English). That wall must be built before the criminal drug-carrying rapists get you.


“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” HA! Goodbye class, hello wicked insults. Slam people to your heart’s content. The sheriff recommends defamatory nicknames like “Crooked,” “Cryin’,” and “Non-Pussy-Grabbin’”.

Be ignorant

Remember when people used to care about knowing things? Yeah, you don’t need to do that. Ignorance is now mainstream. The sheriff loves the ignorant. Stand next to a friend who’s wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt!


The sheriff’s wife has a crusade against this, but the sheriff just wishes she’d shut up and stay in the kitchen (see “Be misogynistic”). It’s kosher to intimidate those weaker than you. Bully away!

Use poor grammar and spelling

Actually, this was always kind-of-okay, but the sheriff often doesn’t write so good, so it’s now acceptable to write however you want. All caps and lots of exclamation points is completely acceptable.

Be divisive

You must have an enemy. It’s all Us vs. Them. There is no middle ground. You’re either with us or against us. “Owning” the other side should give you great joy. The sheriff is a master divider.

Be in a cult

This used to be a big no-no. Remember Jonestown? Ever heard the Scientology horror stories? But now it’s fine to follow an insane megalomaniac, never questioning anything he says or does, slavishly devoting yourself to him wholly and fully.

That’s it for now. Whew! Thanks, sheriff. We can all be truly awful people again.

Not long ago, Louis C.K. premiered a show, Horace & Pete, on his site. He wrote, directed and stars in it. You have to pay for the episodes, so I only watched a few (I’m cheap).

The show is set in a bar and revolves around its owners and patrons, kind of like a more existential “Cheers.” In one episode, two regulars start arguing politics.

Another regular steps in and says, “wait a minute. Let me ask you guys something.”

He asks the conservative, “what’s your description of a liberal?” The conservative lists several negative things.

He asks the liberal, “what’s your description of a conservative?” Likewise, a list of several negative things.

The intermediary asks, “if you both have this predetermined opinion of each other, how are you ever going to reach an agreement?”

Another regular laughs and says, “you think they WANT to agree?”


That pretty much sums up how I feel about US politics these days. It’s all us-versus-them. I lean to the left, mainly because I’ve always felt that democratic policies were more in line with my beliefs than republican policies.

But I’m willing to meet in the middle. We need to get this big ol’ USA ship righted again. If you can honestly get me to see the light about something, I’ll admit defeat and change my mind. But you should also be big enough to do the same.

In the meantime, all this name-calling and hatred isn’t getting the country anywhere. You know, “united we stand, divided we fall” and all that.

P.S. I still stand by my assertion that the president’s definitely not right in the head. Can we at least agree on that?

It’s inauguration day for the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. I made a jokey post about this several months before the election, but folks, this is not a drill.

I’d like to be excited about it. I’d like to think, “this guy might just actually do a good job. I mean, he DID get elected.”

But I’m very, very skeptical. It’s amazing how incredibly and unbelievably skeptical I am. My skepticism is HUGE.

Trump is the tenth president in my lifetime. And while I’ve liked some of those guys more than others, I’ve never actually felt, “this guy scares me.”

Most people I know are aware that I have bipolar disorder. I’ve had manic episodes where I’ve thought, believed, and said some pretty bizarre things. I’ve spent time in mental wards where I’ve met all kinds of wacky individuals.

My point is: I’m a pretty good judge of crazy. And as far as Trump goes, to quote Keith Olbermann, “there is something very wrong with him.”

Not convinced? Follow him on Twitter. (Actually, you don’t need to do that; every tweet is some kind of national news.) Once in a while he’ll seem semi-presidential, but mostly he just attacks his critics and sounds like an insecure fifth-grader taunting kids on the playground. “I’m better than you and you’ll pay attention to me, you losers!” He enjoys telling people they’re overrated, unfunny, or sad. Kind of like someone who’s not right in the head.

He’s not even going to use the official @POTUS account because he’s afraid he’ll lose followers. Yeesh. I tell ya, former reality TV stars and punch lines since the 80s these days…


Anyway, Mr. President, I really do wish you the best (for everyone’s sake). All I ask is that you get some serious psychiatric help. Like, real soon.

And please don’t kill us all. That would suck.



Okay, so we’re down to the wire here with this election. And it got me thinking about all the rhetoric that’s been thrown around this campaign. And when you break down all the language, I think it comes down basically to their names.


Hillary Clinton

How many friends do you have who refer to her as “Clinton” rather than “Hillary”? You mainly hear “Clinton” on the mainstream news channels or read it in the headlines. (And I realize that, journalistically, you usually refer to candidates by last name.)

But you’ll generally hear “I support/hate Hillary” much more than the same with “Clinton.”

Why, you ask? Hell if I know, but good or bad, she seems to kind of cruise on her first name while side-stepping her last name. Maybe it’s because “Hillary” sounds like a nice aunt. Or it reminds people of Sir Edmund Hillary (she’s been called out for falsely claiming she’s named after him).

And, let’s face it, the name “Clinton” isn’t viewed favorably by many people. So it’s probably best she focuses on just being “Hillary.”


Donald Trump

Come on, people have been making fun of him since the 80s. And While “The Donald” was fun for a while, the last name is what sticks.

That’s because he’s sold his name as a brand for decades. Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, Trump Casinos, etc. He wants you to associate his name with wealth, success, and quality.

When Bernie Sanders was in the race, people referred to him as “Bernie.” You never hear people call Trump “Donald” or “Don.”

So Trump rides his popularity (much of which came from a TV reality show) pretty much on his name alone. And that’s what’s gotten him this far.


IN CONCLUSION: Forget e-mails, sexual misconduct, Benghazi, failure to reveal tax returns, and all the other stuff. Just make it simple:


Do you vote for the grandma with a unique but friendly first name, or the blustery old guy with a last name that sounds like he’d always beat you in cards?

I was born in 1964, in the Midwest of the USA, to two raised-on-farms-folks who were descendants of European immigrants.

I didn’t ask for that. Nobody has any say-so as to where, when, and to whom they’re born.

Yet, for some reason, it seems I’m obligated to think, without any question, that the USA is the greatest country ever – just because fate said that’s where I was born.

Why is that?

Don’t get me wrong. I had a great upbringing, and I do like the USA. But why do I have to just blindly accept that it’s greater than other countries?

I’m sure many people have seen the popular scene from the HBO series “The Newsroom,” in which TV journalist Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels) answers the question “what makes America the greatest country in the world?” while part of a panel discussion in front of a large college audience. Just in case, here’s a transcript:


“It’s not the greatest country in the world, professor, and that’s my answer. Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn’t cost money; it costs votes and airtime and column inches. You know why people don’t like liberals? It’s because they lose. If liberals are so fuckin’ smart, how come they lose so goddamn always? And with a straight face, you’re gonna tell a bunch of college students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The U.K., Italy, Germany, France, Spain, Australia. Belgium has freedom! Two hundred and seven sovereign states in the world, and, like, a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.

(Addressing girl in crowd who asked question) “You, sorority girl. Just in case you wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know. And one of them is: there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest county in the world. We’re seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, a hundred-and-seventy-eighth in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six nations combined – twenty-five of whom are allies…so when you ask, ‘what makes us the greatest country in the world?’ I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”


That’s pretty much my sentiment. And not just because I love Oscar-winning screenwriter Aaron Sorkin.

On a side note, I support our military personnel. I support our policemen. But these are professions people choose to go into – they’re not forced to do so. Does that mean I have to worship them? I went into public school teaching after college, largely because I thought it was a noble profession. It sure didn’t seem like people held me in high esteem (I lasted a year and said to myself, “this isn’t worth minimum wage”).

Anyway, I don’t get the blind nationalism. Many other countries have much better health care systems, education systems, job vacation policies, pay for their middle class, recreational drug laws, etc. They make us look pretty sad and backwards in comparison.

So, America, keep on waving your stars and stripes. Just know we’re not that fucking great.

Time: The near future

Place: The U.S.-Mexico border

Prime directive: Build President Trump’s massive border wall


Several high-ranking Mexican officials have gathered to discuss the project. They have received Trump’s blueprints and project overview. (Note: All dialogue has been translated from Spanish.)


Juan (lead engineer): Let’s see what we have here from the U.S. (Unrolls blueprint) Ah. That looks insane.

Enrico (diplomat): (Looks through overview) That bastard says he wants us to pay for this monstrosity.

(Everyone laughs heartily)

Dave (secretary of conservation): What are we looking at here? Lots of concrete and gold?

Juan: Yes. I think millions of tons of each.

Random guy who wandered in: (Surveying blueprint) And asbestos.  He wants it built with a lot of asbestos.

Dave: I know where we can get the asbestos cheap.

Felicia (stripper hired to class the place up): How long will this wall be?

Juan: From sea to shining sea, cupcake. (Winks and slaps Felica on the ass)

Tuco (thug): I say we build the shit out of this sonofabitch. (Thrusts knife into table dramatically)

Juan: Look closer at this – he wants 4,877 manned gun turrets, kennels to hold 1,988 bloodthirsty dogs, and housing for 500 people who just shout racial epithets.

Felicia: That magnificent bastard.

Enrico: With all that stuff, it’s going to cost 7,000,000,000,000,000 pesos. We’ll obviously skip out on that bill.

(Loud cheering)

Juan: This will take 29 years to build. When shall we tell him it’ll be done?

Random guy: Next month?

Juan: Done. Send word to Mr. Trump immediately.


The wall was finished 29 years later. Mr. Trump died in office and never came remotely close to seeing its completion.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Inauguration speech of President Donald J. Trump



(Mr. Trump approaches the podium as Queen’s “We Will Rock You” blasts)

(Thunderous applause)

(Mr. Trump postures and poses until the song transitions into “We Are the Champions.” He leads the crowd in a sing-a-long.)


Thank you, you wonderful poorly-educated people.


(Wild cheers)


We did it. We motherfuckin’ did it. That’s right, I can say “motherfuckin’” on national TV and there’s not a motherfuckin’ thing anybody can do about it.


(Hooting and hollering, guns fired into the air)


Let’s get right to it. My hands are normal-sized and my dick is enormous. It’s the kind of dick we need to make America great again.


(Whistles and hoots from women)


Me and my dick will build a wall on the Mexican border. I mean a wall that will put that wall in Game of Thrones to motherfuckin’ shame.


Woman in crowd: You’re cuter than Jon Snow!


Thanks, doll.  Have a few chips, good at any Trump casino.


(Tosses $25 in casino chips)

(Woman enthusiastically exposes her breasts)


Thanks again. Anyway, back to me. ISIS? Those motherfuckers are toast. I mean drone strikes 24/7 till the motherfuckin’ cows come home. Which will be never.




Are you motherfuckin’ kidding me?


(Wild cheers)


And you damn minorities? You make me want to puke my motherfuckin’ guts out. You’re fired.


(Loud booing)


Minority Protester #4,972: You suck, Orangeface!


Have everyone killed.


(Everyone in the audience is killed)


And there you go. Buy my books.




Have those crickets killed.



TO: The Honorable Governor of the Precarious State of Illinois, Bruce Rauner

Mr. Governor Bruce (can I call you Bruce?), I write to you today not as a military or political advisor, or as a person who really knows much about the military or politics, or even as a relatively intelligent man. I write to you as a super-concerned citizen who feels he must warn you of the dangers of deadly invasion from all heathen states that border our great state of Illinois.

They’re just sitting there, Governor, with their beady little bloodthirsty Midwestern eyes trained right on us. We must be prepared.

After exhaustive research, mostly from very questionable websites, here is my assessment of the situation:



Population: 5.75 million

Military technology: Dairy-based

Base of operations: Milk farm somewhere southwest

Threat level: 8


These cheeseheads are just itchin’ to invade. They may look big and slow, but they have incredible reflexes. I say beef up the northern border with rabid Bears fans/Packers haters.



Population: 3.71 million

Military technology: Ethanol-based

Base of operations: Corn farm somewhere east, probably in cahoots with the Wisconsin milk farm base

Threat level: 7


They’ve got their hawk eyes trained on us (Hawkeyes, get it?). But seriously, we need to get some hardcore troops ready in the northwest. They could pounce at any minute.



Population: 6.06 million

Military technology: They got a few tricks up their sleeve

Base of operations:  Gateway Arch, atop which is affixed a powerful laser cannon; there’s also a strong military complex inside Silver Dollar City in Branson

Threat level: 9


The “Show Me” state would really like to show us an ass-kickin’.  I think they’re mad because they have no professional basketball team and we have the Bulls. Regardless, they want to annihilate us. Action must be taken immediately.



Population: 4.2 million

Military technology: Whisky bent and hell bound

Base of operations: Jim Beam distillery in Clermont, which holds a secret underground lair in which diabolical biological weapons are being rapidly researched

Threat level: 8.72


These boozed-up hillbillies would like nothing more than to slice our throats from ear to ear. They only border us a little, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security.  Get on it – they mean business.



Population: 6.59 million

Military technology: It’s insane what these rubes come up with

Base of operations: Unknown; could be anywhere in that goddamned wasteland of a state

Threat level: 11


HOOSIERS WILL KILL US ALL! These heathens dream all night about charging the eastern border and disemboweling every last one of us.  And they’re smarter than they look. Please maneuver 90% of all troops to prevent imminent invasion.


Michigan (lower threat)

They’re not really on our border, per se, but one day – and that day will come sooner than later – they will develop the technology to create crude watercraft.  And when that day comes, and they decide they want to cross the lake, Chicago is in big trouble.  I say keep a close eye on them.


Thank you for your time and God bless (please put the military into action immediately),