Friday, January 20, 2017

Inauguration speech of President Donald J. Trump



(Mr. Trump approaches the podium as Queen’s “We Will Rock You” blasts)

(Thunderous applause)

(Mr. Trump postures and poses until the song transitions into “We Are the Champions.” He leads the crowd in a sing-a-long.)


Thank you, you wonderful poorly-educated people.


(Wild cheers)


We did it. We motherfuckin’ did it. That’s right, I can say “motherfuckin’” on national TV and there’s not a motherfuckin’ thing anybody can do about it.


(Hooting and hollering, guns fired into the air)


Let’s get right to it. My hands are normal-sized and my dick is enormous. It’s the kind of dick we need to make America great again.


(Whistles and hoots from women)


Me and my dick will build a wall on the Mexican border. I mean a wall that will put that wall in Game of Thrones to motherfuckin’ shame.


Woman in crowd: You’re cuter than Jon Snow!


Thanks, doll.  Have a few chips, good at any Trump casino.


(Tosses $25 in casino chips)

(Woman enthusiastically exposes her breasts)


Thanks again. Anyway, back to me. ISIS? Those motherfuckers are toast. I mean drone strikes 24/7 till the motherfuckin’ cows come home. Which will be never.




Are you motherfuckin’ kidding me?


(Wild cheers)


And you damn minorities? You make me want to puke my motherfuckin’ guts out. You’re fired.


(Loud booing)


Minority Protester #4,972: You suck, Orangeface!


Have everyone killed.


(Everyone in the audience is killed)


And there you go. Buy my books.




Have those crickets killed.