Here are some little-known facts about the 45th president of The United States.
He once ate 50 hard-boiled eggs on a prison bet
He can create or destroy his own bone spurs simply with the power of his mind
His digestive system processes fats and oils into high-quality diamonds
He auditioned for “The Apprentice” wearing only a dunce cap
His total net worth is a gazillion rubles, give or take a few
His wife has appeared nude in several children’s books
He was bassist in the short-lived death metal band “Killer Komrade”
He is a current member of the New York Syphilis Association, Letches In Jesus’ Name, and Universal Golfers For Hate
He knows Vladimir Putin’s nickname for his wang
He thought he discovered Atlantis, but it was just a clam
He set every sports record at his high school through a complicated series of bribes and bake-offs
He frequents McDonalds because he only eats at Irish restaurants
His children have degrees in Sheet Metal Bending, Flower Extermination, and Hot Yoga
He once found buried treasure, but was robbed by buccaneers and democrats
His casinos failed only because gambler Sammy “The Shark” Mancini got on a hot streak at the craps table
His childhood dog, Total Loser, was struck by lightning then run over by a steamroller
He climbed Pike’s Peak, fell off, climbed again, fell off again, then ate a burrito
His love of money is surpassed only by his love of playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots
He once shackled his children to the radiator for accidentally setting fire to his porn collection
He can often be found in his bedroom cranking the Kris Kross hit “Jump”
He has been seen several times pourin’ out a 40 for his homies
He prefers plastic silverware because there’s less chance of poking an eye out
His blood pressure is roughly the equivalent of a puma on steroids
His family can be traced back to Pangea
His sometimes-slurred speech is due to a childhood mishap involving a blowtorch, a raisin, and the Pope
He drinks 36 Diet Cokes a day, and crushes each can with his butt cheeks
His admiration of China is based on Mickey Rooney’s character in “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”
His I.Q. is exactly twice that of his golf handicap
He distrusts dry cleaners, so he showers in his suits
He has 500 pounds of Trump Steaks in his freezer
His favorite movie is “Encino Man,” his favorite TV show is “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” and his favorite book is “Mein Kampf”
He is an avid caber-tosser and won third at the Dayton Regional Toss-Off in 1992
He has been known to adopt shelter animals, then release them into the wild
He has an abnormal thyroid that sometimes makes him spontaneously do the hokey-pokey
He was insecure about the size of his hands, so he had larger hands grafted on
He shaves with a straight razor lubricated with the tears of infants
His gold-plated toilet has been shat in 42,810 times
He often contributes to such charities as The Golf Digest Fund, Save The Billionaires, and Homeless Republicans United
His mother liked to call him “Little Donny Bag Of Hammers”
He once cured himself of rickets by immersing his body in gun oil
His signature hair is a result of Prell, yellow dye #13, vigorous massaging, and daily prayer
He was briefly a sportswriter for his college paper, but was fired for poor grammar, fabricating statistics, and huffing crushed Sweet Tarts
He sleeps on a bed of nails surrounded by yachts and pixies
Of all his wives, he likes what’s-her-name the best
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