TO: The Honorable Governor of the Precarious State of Illinois, Bruce Rauner

Mr. Governor Bruce (can I call you Bruce?), I write to you today not as a military or political advisor, or as a person who really knows much about the military or politics, or even as a relatively intelligent man. I write to you as a super-concerned citizen who feels he must warn you of the dangers of deadly invasion from all heathen states that border our great state of Illinois.

They’re just sitting there, Governor, with their beady little bloodthirsty Midwestern eyes trained right on us. We must be prepared.

After exhaustive research, mostly from very questionable websites, here is my assessment of the situation:



Population: 5.75 million

Military technology: Dairy-based

Base of operations: Milk farm somewhere southwest

Threat level: 8


These cheeseheads are just itchin’ to invade. They may look big and slow, but they have incredible reflexes. I say beef up the northern border with rabid Bears fans/Packers haters.



Population: 3.71 million

Military technology: Ethanol-based

Base of operations: Corn farm somewhere east, probably in cahoots with the Wisconsin milk farm base

Threat level: 7


They’ve got their hawk eyes trained on us (Hawkeyes, get it?). But seriously, we need to get some hardcore troops ready in the northwest. They could pounce at any minute.



Population: 6.06 million

Military technology: They got a few tricks up their sleeve

Base of operations:  Gateway Arch, atop which is affixed a powerful laser cannon; there’s also a strong military complex inside Silver Dollar City in Branson

Threat level: 9


The “Show Me” state would really like to show us an ass-kickin’.  I think they’re mad because they have no professional basketball team and we have the Bulls. Regardless, they want to annihilate us. Action must be taken immediately.



Population: 4.2 million

Military technology: Whisky bent and hell bound

Base of operations: Jim Beam distillery in Clermont, which holds a secret underground lair in which diabolical biological weapons are being rapidly researched

Threat level: 8.72


These boozed-up hillbillies would like nothing more than to slice our throats from ear to ear. They only border us a little, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security.  Get on it – they mean business.



Population: 6.59 million

Military technology: It’s insane what these rubes come up with

Base of operations: Unknown; could be anywhere in that goddamned wasteland of a state

Threat level: 11


HOOSIERS WILL KILL US ALL! These heathens dream all night about charging the eastern border and disemboweling every last one of us.  And they’re smarter than they look. Please maneuver 90% of all troops to prevent imminent invasion.


Michigan (lower threat)

They’re not really on our border, per se, but one day – and that day will come sooner than later – they will develop the technology to create crude watercraft.  And when that day comes, and they decide they want to cross the lake, Chicago is in big trouble.  I say keep a close eye on them.


Thank you for your time and God bless (please put the military into action immediately),