“You’re too nice.”

I’ve heard this many times in my life, both at jobs and from women.

I’ve never quite understood it. Isn’t being nice a virtue, given all the cruelty and inhumanity to man in the world?

Take my last job (please *rim shot*). A customer (read: trucking company) would mess up. My boss, a totally not-nice dickhead, would tell me, “call them and kick their ass.” I’d call them and firmly but professionally voice my displeasure. Then I’d get ripped for “not kicking their ass.” They got the message that they fucked up and it shouldn’t happen again –- isn’t that the point? Why be a deliberate asshole? And I’m not sure I want a job where being “too nice” is a detriment.

And, let’s face it, nice guys don’t generally rate high with women. I was constantly friendzoned in high school because of niceness. Women like a guy who’s at least somewhat of a dick, likes to argue, and who gets pissed off about things. I’m just not that way, and I don’t see changing anytime soon. It’s like telling a murderous psychopath, “just mellow out and don’t kill people.” It’s not in my nature.

Several people along the way have tried to provoke me into fights. Never happened; I’ve always calmly talked my way out of fisticuffs with insecure macho dudes. (If you’re stupid enough to provoke me for no reason, you’re easily stupid enough to be talked out of imbecilic violence.)

I think it stems from my upbringing. I was raised in a nice, religious family. There were very few arguments and they were all resolved amicably. Everyone was nice.

Really, it all boils down to the golden rule: I don’t treat people in ways I wouldn’t want to be treated. And if that means I’m “too nice,” then I weep for humanity.