Give The Kid Some Credit

A few years ago, I started my first screenplay. This is probably as far as it will go. The general idea is that the main character moves to Hollywood with the goal of getting his name in the credits of as many movies as possible. There’s a love interest (with the same goal as him, and thus competition), a rival villain actor, and a sleazy low-rent agent (think Danny DeVito). Ah well, maybe someday it’ll come to fruition…

P.S. the formatting’s a bit off, but you get the picture.

 

 

GIVE THE KID SOME CREDIT

 

INT: APARTMENT, BEDROOM, MORNING

 

Close-up on a stack of movie DVDs, titles visible.  The camera pans slowly up; eventually we reveal that there are thousands of DVDs.  The titles are widely varied; classic comedies, film noir, foreign films, blockbusters, etc.  We pan back to show that they are stacked in a small bedroom with movie posters plastered on the walls.  Pan out to the hallway of the apartment to another bedroom door; it opens and STEVE, 26, yawning and in boxer shorts, staggers out.  We follow him out to the living room where he sits on a ratty couch next to his roommate JAKE, 24, who is engrossed in watching a movie on TV.

 

STEVE

What’s for breakfast?

 

JAKE

Satan’s Cheerleaders, 1977.

 

STEVE

Ah, a light snack for you this

morning. No heavy Schindler’s

List stuff.

 

STEVE produces a bong, lights it, and takes a hit.

 

STEVE

Up all night?

 

JAKE

Crashed about two, got up about

five.

 

STEVE

Anything good on?

 

JAKE

Attack of the fifty-foot woman.

Gotta love that giant fake hand.

 

STEVE

I remember that hand. It would make

my penis look incredibly small.

 

JAKE

Do you always have to make dick jokes

as soon as you get up?

 

STEVE

You know you love it.

 

STEVE takes another hit as JAKE clicks the remote to pause the movie.  It is paused on a few insignificant characters onscreen.

 

JAKE

Look at that.

 

STEVE

What?  A bunch of losers in a grade-Z

movie who are probably dead by now?

 

JAKE

The guy on the right.  He’s in the

credits as Cop number three.

 

STEVE

So?

 

JAKE

So? The guy probably spent a day or

two shooting, got enough money to pay

his gas bill, and got his name in the

credits.

 

STEVE

Who cares?  Nobody stays for the credits.

 

JAKE

I beg to differ.  I’ve seen thousands

of movies, and I’ve watched the credits

of every one. Did you know that “Hooper”

started the trend of showing outtakes

during the credits?

 

STEVE

Did you know I don’t give a shit?

 

JAKE glances at a clock on the wall.

 

JAKE

Crap, gotta go.

 

JAKE heads to the door.

 

STEVE

Another day in paradise.

 

JAKE

Hey, it pays the rent, and it beats

the hell out of your job. Besides, the

(hot DVD movie at the time) special

edition comes out next month.  Gotta

save up.

 

STEVE

You know, I’ve known guys who are

obsessed with pussy, obsessed with cars,

obsessed with booze, money, whatever.

But I’ve never known a guy as obsessed

with movies as you are.

 

JAKE

” Obsessed” makes me sound like a stalker.

I prefer passion.  I have a passion for

film. It comforts me, it challenges me,

it intrigues me, it makes me laugh, it

even makes me feel sexy.

 

STEVE

I thought I did all that.

 

JAKE

(chuckles)

Later, dude.

 

JAKE exits.

 

EXT: ANDERSON INSURANCE COMPANY, DAY

 

A small insurance building.

 

INT: SAME, DAY

 

A small but bustling office.  JAKE is sitting at a desk in a cubicle, entering data into a computer from a stack of papers. There is movie memorabilia all over his cube. Over his shoulder we see that he frequently flips the computer screen from his data entry software to several movie forum websites.

 

JAKE

(reading a site)

Iron Man 2 is better than Iron Man.

You gotta be shitting me, VincentVega94.

 

He starts to type a response when his boss, JOAN, 45, approaches

his desk and startles him.  He awkwardly switches screens.

 

JOAN

Morning, Jake.  Got a minute?

 

JAKE

Sure.

 

JOAN

Come to my office.

 

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, DAY

 

JOAN and JAKE enter, each taking a seat on their respective sides of the desk.

 

JOAN

First of all, how’s your mother?

 

JAKE

Fine.  Still keeping books at the hardware

store.

 

JOAN

Good.  It’s been ages since I talked to her.

Things tend to get crazy…anyway, Jake, let

me ask you something: do you like your job?

 

JAKE

(thinks)

Yeah.  Yeah, I guess so.

 

JOAN

You don’t sound very convincing.

 

JAKE

I punch numbers into a computer all day.

I know there are worse things I could be

doing, but it just doesn’t hold my interest.

 

JOAN

Well, I hope that changes soon, because I

called you in here to talk about your

performance.

 

JOAN produces some paperwork.

 

JOAN

I’ve had several complaints lately.

Invoice codes entered incorrectly, sometimes

pertinent information on J-6 spreadsheets

left out completely. This isn’t hard stuff,

Jake. Is everything okay?

 

 

JAKE

Yeah. I guess I just sometimes get

distracted.

 

JOAN

You know what I think?  I think you think

about movies too much.  It’s all you talk

about with anyone.  Hell, most of us don’t

even know what movies you’re talking about

half the time.

 

JAKE

(a little defensive)

I could be like Anne and come in hopped up

on Vicodin every day.

 

JOAN’s POV: from out of her office window we see a woman, presumably ANNE, slide out of her desk chair.

 

JOAN

(sighs)

Just get your head in the game, okay?  I’d

hate to tell your mom I had to can you.

 

JAKE nods.

 

INT: ANDERSON INSURANCE, DAY

 

JAKE returns to his desk and stares blankly at the computer screen.  His desk phone rings; he answers.

 

JAKE

Anderson Insurance, Jake speaking.

 

JAKE’s mother, SANDRA, is on the line.

 

SANDRA

(on phone)

Hi, sweety.  How’s work?

 

JAKE

Good, mom.  Joan says hello.

 

SANDRA

That’s nice. Sweety, I have some bad

news.

 

From this point on in the conversation, SANDRA’s voice is shaky.

 

SANDRA

Aunt Mary passed away this morning.

Heart attack, poor thing.

 

JAKE

(stunned)

Oh no.  I always liked aunt Mary.

 

SANDRA

And she always adored you, son.  I hate to

bother you with this news at work, but I

thought you should know right away.  I’ll

talk to you later about the arrangements.

 

JAKE

Are you okay, mom?

 

SANDRA

Yes, sweety.  You just keep doing well at

work.  We’ll talk later.   Love you.

 

JAKE

Love ya too, mom.

 

He slowly hangs up.

 

FADE OUT.

 

FADE IN TO:

 

INT:  CAR, DAY

 

JAKE sits in the passenger seat as SANDRA, 50, drives.  They are both dressed up.

 

SANDRA

That was a lovely ceremony.  Reverend

Stanton gave a wonderful eulogy, and

the flowers were beautiful.

 

JAKE

I’m really gonna miss aunt Mary.  She

was the only relative who “got” me.

 

SANDRA shoots him a stern glance.

 

JAKE

And my mother, of course.  It’s just that

she knew I love movies, and she loved

them, too.

 

SANDRA

I like movies.

 

JAKE

You like “Steel Magnolias.”

 

SANDRA

That’s a movie, isn’t it?

 

JAKE

I suppose, if you’re an old lady.

 

They both laugh.

 

JAKE

Every birthday and Christmas, she gave me

a movie, remember? And they were always movies

I liked.  She got me all my Star Wars films,

early Peter Jackson stuff, even a few rare

foreign movies.  Remember the Freddy Krueger

doll she gave me?  Still in my room, still

in the box.  You know what her favorite movie

was?  Apocalypse Now. How cool is that?  What

fifty-three-year-old woman’s favorite movie is

Apocalypse Now?

 

SANDRA

I always enjoyed seeing you two get along

so well.  You really had lively conversations

during the holidays.  She certainly was a

special person.  We all have fond memories

of her.

 

EXT: CEMETERY ROAD, DAY

 

The car pulls over and parks, as do several others.  We see they are in a funeral procession near the gravesite.

 

INT: CAR, DAY

 

SANDRA

Sweety, I need to tell you something. You know

aunt Mary was well-off, right?

 

JAKE

I knew she did okay at her marketing job, and

made some good investments.

 

SANDRA

I talked to uncle Bert this morning. He’s executor

of Mary’s estate.  Mary left you some money.

 

JAKE

(surprised)

Really.

 

SANDRA

Yes.  I don’t know how much, exactly, but he’ll

be mailing it to you soon.  I just have some

paperwork for you to sign when we’re done today.

 

JAKE

Will I be able to retire to a tropical island

with hula girls and fruity drinks?

 

SANDRA

That’s a little far-fetched, sweety, but I

think you’ll find she was very generous with

you.

 

They exit the car.

 

INT: APARTMENT, LATE AFTERNOON

 

SUBTITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER

 

STEVE enters with a small box and some other mail.  JAKE, as usual, is watching a movie.

 

STEVE

Hey, I think you got your check from Publisher’s

Clearing House.  I hope your subscription to

Home & Garden was worth it.

 

He hands the box to JAKE.  He opens it.  There’s an envelope and a wooden cigar box inside.

 

STEVE

Cigars!  Your aunt kicked ass.

 

JAKE opens the cigar box.  He pulls out a small Star Wars stormtrooper figurine.

 

STEVE

Well, you can’t smoke it, but it’s

pretty cool.

 

There’s also a note. JAKE reads it.

 

JAKE

“Jake, you were always my favorite nephew.

You have great things in you.  Use my gift

to follow your dreams. Love, Mary.”

 

STEVE

I hope she doesn’t mean the stormtrooper.

Open the envelope, Bill Gates.

 

JAKE opens the envelope, pulls out the check, and stares at it.  He is dumbstruck.

 

JAKE

Whoa.

 

STEVE slides over and looks at the check.  We now see it: the amount is $125,000.

 

STEVE

Holy shit.  Your aunt left you a quarter

-million dollars.

 

JAKE

(still absorbing)

It’s an eighth of a million, dipshit.

 

STEVE

Still, damn. Can I have a few grand?  I

want to get a boob job.

 

JAKE just stares at the check.

 

DAYDREAM SEQUENCE: JAKE is an actor, on the set of a low-budget film.  He points a gun at another actor and fires.  The other actor falls and dies dramatically.  The fallen actor wears a shirt that says “Jake’s dead-end old life.” JAKE blows the smoke from the barrel of the gun and winks at the camera.  The other actors and crew break into applause. A woman on the set looks at him and beams.  She’s very proud of him.  He smiles at her and mouths, “Thank you, aunt Mary.”

 

STEVE

Dude, snap out of it.  You’re a lucky

bastard. You just got six figures handed

to you by a great roommate who just happens

to take large donations.

 

JAKE

(quietly)

I know what I have to do.

 

STEVE

If you say “donate it all to P.E.T.A.,” I

swear I’ll kick you in the nuts SO hard…

 

 

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, MORNING

 

JOAN is sitting at her desk typing on her keyboard when JAKE enters and quickly takes a seat.  He’s dressed way down from normal office attire and is very excited.

 

JOAN

Morning, Jake.  Can I help you?

 

JAKE

Morning.  I quit.

 

JOAN

What?

 

JAKE

I quit.  I am…no longer in your employ.

 

JOAN

But Jake…you were improving…

 

JAKE

You were right.  I think about movies too

much.  That’s why I’m quitting and moving

to L.A.

 

JOAN

This is all pretty sudden.  Did you meet

some L.A. girl online who’s also a movie

freak?

 

JAKE

No, though that would be nice.  I’m going

to get my name in the credits of as many

movies as I can.  My personal goal is a

thousand.  But I tend to aim low.

 

JOAN

I see.  And you have money for this?

 

JAKE

My aunt Mary left me some. She was an

awesome lady.

 

He stands to leave.

 

JAKE

Well, Joan, thanks for three years of

employment.  You did me and my mom a

big favor by hiring me.  But now I must

say goodbye to a few former coworkers

and ride off into the sunset of Hollywood.

 

She comes from behind the desk and gives him a hug.

 

JOAN

This is pretty bizarre, Jake, but we’ll

miss you.  I’d wish you luck,     but I know

you’ll hit this one out of the park.

Movies are just in your blood.

 

JAKE

Just out of curiosity, who’s going to

replace me?

 

JOAN

Hmmm…I’m thinking Anne.

 

Shot of ANNE:  She’s passed out on her desk and nearly sliding off.