I don’t use Twitter too often and don’t follow too many people, but some of the actors and comedians (especially Patton Oswalt) were quite funny last night.
Transcribed from earliest to most recent:
Hey USA Network! You are suppressing the stoner vote by showing an SVU marathon. – Doug Benson
In a crowded Cuyahoga IHOP, an undecided voter gives Mitt the unmistakable “hand job or Obama vote” eyebrow arch. – Patton Oswalt
At the Richmond, VA Obama campaign HQ, a sleep-deprived Biden hands out cups of toner ink and urinal cakes before being tased. – P.O.
On board Air Force One, Obama re-watches the scene in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK where Donald Pleasance locks himself in the escape pod. – P.O.
Stickers? This is bullshit: In Iraq you get a purple finger when you vote. WHERE’S MY PURPLE FINGER? – Michael Ian Black
“Get out of there! One at a time! You’re breaking federal law!” shouts the election official played by Cedric the Entertainer. – B.J. Novak
Somewhere in Jersey, Paul Ryan pins governor Christie’s hand to a bar with a stiletto while Ann Romney garrotes him from behind. – P.O.
It’s National Get Drunk and Vote for @GovGaryJohnson for President Day! Vote 3rd Party or Stay Home! – Doug Stanhope
Rock the Vote! Or if you’re middle-aged with a sentimental side, Easy Listen the Vote! – Stephen Colbert
In a chamber beneath the Senate, Gingrich releases Kuato from his neck-wattle. “Too close…too close…” he slurs. – P.O.
On my way to the polling station – before I go in, who did Michael Bolton endorse?!? – M.I.B.
Rush Limbaugh prepares to broadcast, dropping his trousers while his personal physician approaches with a ketamine-filled turkey baster. – P.O.
Ann Coulter practices saying, “I just say what people are really thinking,” over and over in a mirror while her ovaries eat a scorpion. – P.O.
All kidding aside, I hope everybody votes a bunch of times today. – M.I.B.
At a D.C. gift shop, Nancy Pelosi stares at a Jefferson bust paperweight until it cries. – P.O.
I based my vote on these issues: gayish rights, building a giant reusable govt vagina, killing Osama again, no more bands w/ wolf in title. – Eugene Mirman
Regardless of who you’re voting for today, do the right thing & write me in for Michigan Drain Commissioner. The madness must stop. – Conan O’Brien
@BarackObama Where do I pick up my list of dead people I’m supped to vote as? – M.I.B.
“Joe Biden Hapsburg Peckinpah neo-realist F Troop back-a back-a back-a reference I just pooed my pants” – Dennis Miller, later tonight. – P.O.
For 1/8 of a second, Wolf Blitzer considers shaving his beard into the Bat Symbol, shudders, and pops a Xanax. – P.O.
With the GOP in a fever pitch, George W. Bush completes an “Armor” level of GemCraft and pops a Coke Zero. – P.O.
Presidential election today when we finally find out just how batty America is… — John Cleese
Somewhere, a closeted Republican votes against marriage equality then rushes home to his Blu Ray of MIDNIGHT EXPRESS. – P.O.
In a Michigan grocery store, Michelle Bachmann buys herself a “Congratulations, Madame President” cake and demands an extra frosting rose. – P.O.
It’s a good thing nobody knows what state I live in – I haven’t seen an election ad all year! – Homer J. Simpson
“I doted!” – a grandparent. – P.O.
At the polls today, on the poles tonight. #strippersforObama – Bob Saget
Getting drunk in a parking lot with a blind guy in WBP. Tweet me when @GovGaryJohnson wins or if u r bringing blow. – D.S.
For those who want the prestige but not hassle of voting, I’m selling “I voted!” stickers outside my polling station for a buck each. – Rainn Wilson
VOTER FRAUD ALERT: my voting machine turned my vote for President Obama into a large Slushee and a bag of pizza Combos. – M.I.B.
While you’re voting today, remember, it’s a privilege, not a right. *flurry of fact checking* Sorry, actually, it’s a right. I take that back. – Steve Martin
Remember, you’re not allowed to carry an unconcealed, loaded voter into the voting booth. – S.M.
After more fact checking, it turns out voting is not a right, but a consolation prize for not getting to be dictator. – S.M.
I waited for 4 hours to vote. Then I realized it was a Lotto tickets line at Kwik-E-Mart. So I voted for my kids’ birthdays. – H.J.S.
If CNN doesn’t have some kind of holographic teleporting 3D touchscreen R2D2 shit, it will be an election wasted. – M.I.B.
The only upshot of Romney winning would be how upset it would make Will.I.Am. – M.I.B.
ROMNEY WINS! (a brand new Jetta, courtesy of Schaeffer Volkswagon, Glendale) – R.W.
The dude who played Pedro in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE was hanging out at my polling place in Hollywood. I did not vote for him. – D.B.
Karl Rove is currently bragging that he voted in 25 states. – Garry Shandling
Tonight I’m playing a Cable News drinking game. I’m drinking myself blind instead of watching Cable News. And I’m winning! – H.J.S.
Turner Classic Movies is projecting that Delaware will go to William Holden. – P.O.
Wow, CNN just brought out hologram Tilda Swinton. This technology is really – oh wait, that’s really her. – P.O.
Wow. Rachel Maddow just wrung a shot of scotch from a washcloth of Chris Matthews’ forehead sweat. Gonna be a long night. – P.O.
I was an engineering major – 21 units of math and physics, and I still can’t follow John King’s calculations at the CNN board. – G.S.
CNN projects I win Mexico! Maybe everyone needs to slow down for a second…it’s starting to sound like some kind of telethon auction! – G.S.
Exit polls from Alabama show a 100% response for, “The voter in question spit a slug of chewin’ terbacky in my city-slicker face.” – P.O.
SyFy Channel is reporting 57% turnout of ice basilisks for Romney. – P.O.
PBS’ election coverage is the most informative and least hysterical. That said, They’re using a Lite Brite for a U.S. map. – P.O.
I don’t speak Spanish and Telemundo’s election coverage is making ten times more sense than CNN’s. – P.O.
So wait, they get to keep the states they win, right? – J.C.
I’m drunk and going to sleep now, so congratulations to Mittrack Obamaney on being re-elected to his first term! – H.J.S.
Voters in Virginia & Florida: STAY IN LINE if you like the buttocks of the person in front of you. – R.W.
Rove starting to hint that Tebow should have been put in sooner. – G.S.
SITCOM IDEA: “Whitehouse Mates”. Mitt and Obama TIE & have to share the Whitehouse and govern together. Also, one is gay. – R.W.
FOX News is turning into a David Mamet play right before my eyes. – P.O.
The LOGO Network reporting Romney watching Tim Curry sing “I’m Going Home” from ROCKY HORROR over and over on his iPad. – P.O.
“Um…rape. Rape? RAPE! (raperaperape)…” Todd Akin’s concession speech, probably. – P.O.
FOX News should play Karl Rove on with adorable oboe music & have a cartoon cupcake say, “what a smart little potato!” when he’s done. – P.O.
Obama just took Minnesota. Michelle Bachmann just spat 1,000 nettles out of her back pores. – P.O.
The people on FOX News are talking the way junkies do when they promise they can get clean in a week. – P.O.
Romney loses Pennsylvania. Apparently the Amish thought he was too behind the times. – Ricky Gervais
I’d say there’s a binder full of women going to the U.S. Senate. – Michael Moore
MY CAR MAGNET WORKED!!! – Paul F. Tompkins
A shirtless Mitt Romney just kicked in the doors at a Boston Starbucks. “Give me the urn! THE ENTIRE URN!” – P.O.
To commemorate Obama’s victory, I’m having a Tea Party. – S.M.
The crowd at Romney HQ looks like every white person who won’t accept that Styx broke up. – P.O.
Right now FOX News is like The Human Centipede with the middle person dead. – P.O.
Romney bought this election, problem is he bought it from the ACME company in the Roadrunner cartoons. – Rick Overton
“Just let me sing ‘America the Beautiful’ again. I can fix this!” – Meat Loaf, with 9 ineffective trank darts in his neck. – P.O.
I’m hiring Nate Silver to run my fantasy football team next year. – R.W.
I’m getting so excited to vote tomorrow! – Jim Gaffigan
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