Archives for category: Politics

I’ve devised a plan for getting famous, and it’s pretty simple.

First, I’ll gather all the ultra-right-wing photo memes I can find.  I’ll scour the Internet for any kind of knee-jerk anti-liberal/Democrat cartoon or “humorous” photo with text.  I won’t care if they’re accurate or not, or how horrible the grammar and spelling are, as long as they appeal to a very base-level mentality.  Christian dogma will be included.  Oh yeah, and lots of pro-gun and pro-military stuff.

I’ll then collect links to every conservative site I can find.  There’ll be the obvious ones, like Fox News, Breitbart, and Drudge, but anyone’s welcome.  Again, accuracy is optional.  Bashing of minorities and the poor will get top priority.

Then I’ll create a Facebook page and a Twitter account with a snappy, snarky anti-lib title.  “Libs Are Idiots and They Vote” or “How Many Dems Does It Take To Screw Up A Country” come to mind, if they aren’t already taken (I’ll work on this).

Then I’ll start posting and tweeting several of the photos and cartoons and biased story links every day.  I’ll add comments like “WTF??  Can you believe this??!!!” and “This is so true!!!” and “This is just like those idiot libs!!!”

Soon I’ll get 1,000 “likes.”  Then 5,000, then 10,000.  Word will spread and I’ll get a bunch of “shares.”  I’ll get thousands of retweets.  I’ll keep it simple and brainless and flag-waving, and blindly crap on any liberal naysayers.  Before you know it, I’ll have 500,000 “likes” and at least as many Twitter followers.

From there on out it’ll be a cakewalk.  I’ll be on TV talk shows and radio shows and podcasts and get to hang out Glenn Beck and Ted Nugent and Patricia Heaton and maybe even Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin.

And that’s how I’ll use social media to ride a wave of ignorance and hatred straight to the top.  I’m gunnin’ for ya, Hannity and Limbaugh.  God Bless America!!!!

I don’t use Twitter too often and don’t follow too many people, but some of the actors and comedians (especially Patton Oswalt) were quite funny last night.


Transcribed from earliest to most recent:


Hey USA Network!  You are suppressing the stoner vote by showing an SVU marathon.  – Doug Benson

In a crowded Cuyahoga IHOP, an undecided voter gives Mitt the unmistakable “hand job or Obama vote” eyebrow arch. – Patton Oswalt

At the Richmond, VA Obama campaign HQ, a sleep-deprived Biden hands out cups of toner ink and urinal cakes before being tased. – P.O.

On board Air Force One, Obama re-watches the scene in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK where Donald Pleasance locks himself in the escape pod. – P.O.

Stickers?  This is bullshit: In Iraq you get a purple finger when you vote.  WHERE’S MY PURPLE FINGER? – Michael Ian Black

“Get out of there!  One at a time!  You’re breaking federal law!” shouts the election official played by Cedric the Entertainer. – B.J. Novak

Somewhere in Jersey, Paul Ryan pins governor Christie’s hand to a bar with a stiletto while Ann Romney garrotes him from behind. – P.O.

It’s National Get Drunk and Vote for @GovGaryJohnson for President Day!  Vote 3rd Party or Stay Home! – Doug Stanhope

Rock the Vote!  Or if you’re middle-aged with a sentimental side, Easy Listen the Vote! – Stephen Colbert

In a chamber beneath the Senate, Gingrich releases Kuato from his neck-wattle.  “Too close…too close…” he slurs. – P.O.

On my way to the polling station – before I go in, who did Michael Bolton endorse?!? – M.I.B.

Rush Limbaugh prepares to broadcast, dropping his trousers while his personal physician approaches with a ketamine-filled turkey baster. – P.O.

Ann Coulter practices saying, “I just say what people are really thinking,” over and over in a mirror while her ovaries eat a scorpion. – P.O.

All kidding aside, I hope everybody votes a bunch of times today. – M.I.B.

At a D.C. gift shop, Nancy Pelosi stares at a Jefferson bust paperweight until it cries. – P.O.

I based my vote on these issues: gayish rights, building a giant reusable govt vagina, killing Osama again, no more bands w/ wolf in title.  – Eugene Mirman

Regardless of who you’re voting for today, do the right thing & write me in for Michigan Drain Commissioner.  The madness must stop. – Conan O’Brien

@BarackObama Where do I pick up my list of dead people I’m supped to vote as? – M.I.B.

“Joe Biden Hapsburg Peckinpah neo-realist F Troop back-a back-a back-a reference I just pooed my pants” – Dennis Miller, later tonight. – P.O.

For 1/8 of a second, Wolf Blitzer considers shaving his beard into the Bat Symbol, shudders, and pops a Xanax. – P.O.

With the GOP in a fever pitch, George W. Bush completes an “Armor” level of GemCraft and pops a Coke Zero. – P.O.

Presidential election today when we finally find out just how batty America is… — John Cleese

Somewhere, a closeted Republican votes against marriage equality then rushes home to his Blu Ray of MIDNIGHT EXPRESS. – P.O.

In a Michigan grocery store, Michelle Bachmann buys herself a “Congratulations, Madame President” cake and demands an extra frosting rose. – P.O.

It’s a good thing nobody knows what state I live in – I haven’t seen an election ad all year! – Homer J. Simpson

“I doted!” – a grandparent. – P.O.

At the polls today, on the poles tonight. #strippersforObama – Bob Saget

Getting drunk in a parking lot with a blind guy in WBP.  Tweet me when @GovGaryJohnson wins or if u r bringing blow. – D.S.

For those who want the prestige but not hassle of voting, I’m selling “I voted!” stickers outside my polling station for a buck each. – Rainn Wilson

VOTER FRAUD ALERT: my voting machine turned my vote for President Obama into a large Slushee and a bag of pizza Combos. – M.I.B.

While you’re voting today, remember, it’s a privilege, not a right. *flurry of fact checking* Sorry, actually, it’s a right.  I take that back.  – Steve Martin

Remember, you’re not allowed to carry an unconcealed, loaded voter into the voting booth. – S.M.

After more fact checking, it turns out voting is not a right, but a consolation prize for not getting to be dictator. – S.M.

I waited for 4 hours to vote.  Then I realized it was a Lotto tickets line at Kwik-E-Mart.  So I voted for my kids’ birthdays. – H.J.S.

If CNN doesn’t have some kind of holographic teleporting 3D touchscreen R2D2 shit, it will be an election wasted. – M.I.B.

The only upshot of Romney winning would be how upset it would make Will.I.Am. – M.I.B.

ROMNEY WINS! (a brand new Jetta, courtesy of Schaeffer Volkswagon, Glendale) – R.W.

The dude who played Pedro in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE was hanging out at my polling place in Hollywood.  I did not vote for him. – D.B.

Karl Rove is currently bragging that he voted in 25 states. – Garry Shandling

Tonight I’m playing a Cable News drinking game.  I’m drinking myself blind instead of watching Cable News.  And I’m winning! – H.J.S.

Turner Classic Movies is projecting that Delaware will go to William Holden. – P.O.

Wow, CNN just brought out hologram Tilda Swinton.  This technology is really – oh wait, that’s really her. – P.O.

Wow.  Rachel Maddow just wrung a shot of scotch from a washcloth of Chris Matthews’ forehead sweat.  Gonna be a long night. – P.O.

I was an engineering major – 21 units of math and physics, and I still can’t follow John King’s calculations at the CNN board. – G.S.

CNN projects I win Mexico!  Maybe everyone needs to slow down for a second…it’s starting to sound like some kind of telethon auction! – G.S.

Exit polls from Alabama show a 100% response for, “The voter in question spit a slug of chewin’ terbacky in my city-slicker face.” – P.O.

SyFy Channel is reporting 57% turnout of ice basilisks for Romney. – P.O.

PBS’ election coverage is the most informative and least hysterical.  That said, They’re using a Lite Brite for a U.S. map. – P.O.

I don’t speak Spanish and Telemundo’s election coverage is making ten times more sense than CNN’s.  – P.O.

So wait, they get to keep the states they win, right? – J.C.

I’m drunk and going to sleep now, so congratulations to Mittrack Obamaney on being re-elected to his first term! – H.J.S.

Voters in Virginia & Florida:  STAY IN LINE if you like the buttocks of the person in front of you. – R.W.

Rove starting to hint that Tebow should have been put in sooner. – G.S.

SITCOM IDEA: “Whitehouse Mates”. Mitt and Obama TIE & have to share the Whitehouse and govern together.  Also, one is gay. – R.W.

FOX News is turning into a David Mamet play right before my eyes. – P.O.

The LOGO Network reporting Romney watching Tim Curry sing “I’m Going Home” from ROCKY HORROR over and over on his iPad. – P.O.

“Um…rape. Rape? RAPE! (raperaperape)…”  Todd Akin’s concession speech, probably. – P.O.

FOX News should play Karl Rove on with adorable oboe music & have a cartoon cupcake say, “what a smart little potato!” when he’s done. – P.O.

Obama just took Minnesota.  Michelle Bachmann just spat 1,000 nettles out of her back pores. – P.O.

The people on FOX News are talking the way junkies do when they promise they can get clean in a week. – P.O.

Romney loses Pennsylvania.  Apparently the Amish thought he was too behind the times.  – Ricky Gervais

I’d say there’s a binder full of women going to the U.S. Senate. – Michael Moore

MY CAR MAGNET WORKED!!! – Paul F. Tompkins

A shirtless Mitt Romney just kicked in the doors at a Boston Starbucks.  “Give me the urn!  THE ENTIRE URN!” – P.O.

To commemorate Obama’s victory, I’m having a Tea Party. – S.M.

The crowd at Romney HQ looks like every white person who won’t accept that Styx broke up. – P.O.

Right now FOX News is like The Human Centipede with the middle person dead. – P.O.

Romney bought this election, problem is he bought it from the ACME company in the Roadrunner cartoons. – Rick Overton

“Just let me sing ‘America the Beautiful’ again.  I can fix this!” – Meat Loaf, with 9 ineffective trank darts in his neck. – P.O.

I’m hiring Nate Silver to run my fantasy football team next year. – R.W.

I’m getting so excited to vote tomorrow! – Jim Gaffigan

Each U.S. election year, millions of dead people vote (such voting is especially popular in the Chicago area).  Since these voters are presumably freshly-risen zombies, here are some undead voting tips and guidelines:



All voters are required to register.  Shamble out of the grave at least a month before the election and go to your town’s city hall.  If you were buried with your wallet, show them your identification and fill out the paperwork.  If not, explain that your ID was stolen by a zombie.  This will distract from the fact that YOU’RE a zombie (it helps if the registrar is also a zombie).  If the registrar says you’re dead, loudly argue that you’re a taxpayer and this is an outrage.  Make a scene until he/she freaks out and gives you the go-ahead.

You can then shuffle back to your eternal resting place to chill until Election Day.  Or you can hang out at a mall — nobody will notice.


Finding polling locations

On Election Day, stumble into any local church or high-school gym.  Look casual, but alive.  It’s okay if you appear drunk; most living voters look the same way.  Resist any urge to feed on the vast sea of sweet, sweet human flesh.  If you find it’s NOT a polling location, grab a quick snack of a toe or ear and go to the next closest facility.



You’ll have to show some “real” identification at the polls.  Simply flash a still from any one of the 200,000 zombie movies that have been made.  If the official gives you any guff, stare at him/her with your dead eyes and softly hiss, “brainsssss.”  Be confident.  You’re entitled to vote.  This is America.


Actual voting

Once in the voting booth, the wonderful world of democracy is yours.  If you’re using an electronic voting device, be sure to push the touch-screen items hard enough to register your vote (severely rotted hands and fingers can hinder this).  If you’re using one of the older machines that uses levers, try not to lose an arm while pulling.  If you’re already missing your arms, use whatever you can – even if it’s a body part you just ripped off a living person (try holding it with your teeth).


REMEMBER: Per the U.S. Constitution, you cannot be denied the right to vote.  It guarantees no discrimination due to age or race, except if you’re under 18.  If you’re under 18, you really shouldn’t be rising from the crypt to vote.  They’re sticklers about that stuff.


Have fun, and happy dead voting!

CHUCK NORRIS:  Good evening, and welcome to Republican Primary Debate #1,039.  I’m your moderator and favorite washed-up action movie star, Chuck Norris.  Please welcome our participants tonight: Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum, and fragile geriatric Ron Paul.

RON:  Excuse me, I’m the only one here still in office.  I’m a twelve-term U.S. Representative.

CHUCK:  Shut up, old timer.  Now, here are the rules.  No spitting, no gouging, no bludgeoning.  Stinging an opponent with bees is allowed, but only if they’re African killer bees.

MITT:  Can we use logic and reason as weapons?

CHUCK:  You guys?  I doubt it.

The crowd loudly boos.

CHUCK:  Y’all shut up, too.  You’ve heard the stories about me.  They’re all true.  I’ll kick everyone’s asses.  Now, first question.  How do you intend to address the issue of illegal immigration?

MITT:  Make ‘em learn English.

RICK:  Deport ‘em.

NEWT:  Kill ‘em.  Kill ‘em all.

MITT:  Really?  Kill ‘em?  Speaker, if you found out one of your housekeepers was an illegal immigrant, would you kill her?

NEWT:  Which one?  Not the hot one.

RON: I think we should deal with this from a strictly economic point of view —

CHUCK:  (laughs) Right, geezer.  Speaker Gingrich, I’m intrigued by your response to Governor Romney about your “hot” housekeeper.  Please elaborate.

NEWT:  Well, I don’t really know her name right offhand, but I’d say she’s at least as hot as Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight.

The crowd applauds enthusiastically.

MITT:  Speaker, are we supposed to stand here and believe your housekeeper is as hot as Jennifer Lopez in 1998?

RICK:  My record with hot Latino women has been dismal.  But, if elected, I will change that.  Hot Latino women for everyone!

The crowd applauds and hoots even more enthusiastically.

RON:  (sighs) We’re completely avoiding the issue here…

CHUCK:  Listen, pops, you’re getting on my every last nerve.  You are one pussy hair away from a righteous ass-kickin’.  Excuse me; we’re taking an e-mail question.  “Chuck Norris: is it true that under your beard lays yet another fist?  Anna, age 8, Atlanta”  (snorts)  Duh, Anna.  Anyway, Speaker Gingrich, Jennifer Lopez was incredibly beautiful in 1998.  Do you have a picture or something to prove your housekeeper’s hotness?

NEWT:  Why yes, I happen to have a picture on my phone.

He produces a phone, and shows the picture.

CHUCK:  Speaker, that’s the movie poster from Out of Sight.

NEWT:  (looks) What?  No, that’s my housekeeper.

CHUCK:  It has George Clooney in it and it says in big letters, “Out of Sight.”

MITT:  You see?  The speaker is a man so delusional about Latino poontang that he thinks his housekeeper is an actress.  The man is unfit for any office, even Office Max.  Which I think I own.

NEWT:  Stick a sock in it, Brigham Young backwash.  And while you’re at it, stick a sock in your magic underwear, too. (Glances crotchward) Women like more than a cocktail weenie.  You gonna please your five first ladies with that?

MITT: You son of a whore. (He attacks)

MITT and NEWT tussle violently.  RICK is petrified for a moment, then bolts.  RON continues.

RON:  I just want to remind everyone that these are the men who are beating the crap out of me in the primaries.  Now let me tell you how we can shrink government… (his voice fades out as CHUCK’s comes in).

CHUCK:  That’s it for the debate.  What a bunch of rich asshole pussies.  It’s time to open a Norris-sized can of whoopass.

He rips off his shirt and heads for the stage.