CHUCK NORRIS:  Good evening, and welcome to Republican Primary Debate #1,039.  I’m your moderator and favorite washed-up action movie star, Chuck Norris.  Please welcome our participants tonight: Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum, and fragile geriatric Ron Paul.

RON:  Excuse me, I’m the only one here still in office.  I’m a twelve-term U.S. Representative.

CHUCK:  Shut up, old timer.  Now, here are the rules.  No spitting, no gouging, no bludgeoning.  Stinging an opponent with bees is allowed, but only if they’re African killer bees.

MITT:  Can we use logic and reason as weapons?

CHUCK:  You guys?  I doubt it.

The crowd loudly boos.

CHUCK:  Y’all shut up, too.  You’ve heard the stories about me.  They’re all true.  I’ll kick everyone’s asses.  Now, first question.  How do you intend to address the issue of illegal immigration?

MITT:  Make ‘em learn English.

RICK:  Deport ‘em.

NEWT:  Kill ‘em.  Kill ‘em all.

MITT:  Really?  Kill ‘em?  Speaker, if you found out one of your housekeepers was an illegal immigrant, would you kill her?

NEWT:  Which one?  Not the hot one.

RON: I think we should deal with this from a strictly economic point of view —

CHUCK:  (laughs) Right, geezer.  Speaker Gingrich, I’m intrigued by your response to Governor Romney about your “hot” housekeeper.  Please elaborate.

NEWT:  Well, I don’t really know her name right offhand, but I’d say she’s at least as hot as Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight.

The crowd applauds enthusiastically.

MITT:  Speaker, are we supposed to stand here and believe your housekeeper is as hot as Jennifer Lopez in 1998?

RICK:  My record with hot Latino women has been dismal.  But, if elected, I will change that.  Hot Latino women for everyone!

The crowd applauds and hoots even more enthusiastically.

RON:  (sighs) We’re completely avoiding the issue here…

CHUCK:  Listen, pops, you’re getting on my every last nerve.  You are one pussy hair away from a righteous ass-kickin’.  Excuse me; we’re taking an e-mail question.  “Chuck Norris: is it true that under your beard lays yet another fist?  Anna, age 8, Atlanta”  (snorts)  Duh, Anna.  Anyway, Speaker Gingrich, Jennifer Lopez was incredibly beautiful in 1998.  Do you have a picture or something to prove your housekeeper’s hotness?

NEWT:  Why yes, I happen to have a picture on my phone.

He produces a phone, and shows the picture.

CHUCK:  Speaker, that’s the movie poster from Out of Sight.

NEWT:  (looks) What?  No, that’s my housekeeper.

CHUCK:  It has George Clooney in it and it says in big letters, “Out of Sight.”

MITT:  You see?  The speaker is a man so delusional about Latino poontang that he thinks his housekeeper is an actress.  The man is unfit for any office, even Office Max.  Which I think I own.

NEWT:  Stick a sock in it, Brigham Young backwash.  And while you’re at it, stick a sock in your magic underwear, too. (Glances crotchward) Women like more than a cocktail weenie.  You gonna please your five first ladies with that?

MITT: You son of a whore. (He attacks)

MITT and NEWT tussle violently.  RICK is petrified for a moment, then bolts.  RON continues.

RON:  I just want to remind everyone that these are the men who are beating the crap out of me in the primaries.  Now let me tell you how we can shrink government… (his voice fades out as CHUCK’s comes in).

CHUCK:  That’s it for the debate.  What a bunch of rich asshole pussies.  It’s time to open a Norris-sized can of whoopass.

He rips off his shirt and heads for the stage.