I played football all through high school, but was never really much good at it. My freshman, year, though (in Carlyle, IL), I pulled off one feat that impressed even me.

Can’t remember who we were playing, but we were down, and I was playing defensive secondary. They were deep in their own territory, and the running back broke loose. He was on his way to an eighty-five-yard touchdown.

Not on my watch.

I quickly said “oh shit!” and sprinted toward the goal line, angling toward him from the right.

I was closing in, but he was not giving up. I ran as fast as I could, dove, and grabbed him by the ankle. He came down at the 2 yard line. Our meager fan base loved it.

They scored on the next play and we suffered a defeat, but still, ya know, I ran that bastard down.

The next day we were in English class with our buxom teacher, Dixie Parsons. And yes, she was as attractive and charming as her name implies. Long black hair, nice rack. In short: the kind of teacher a 15-year-old boy wants to impress.

One of my teammates asked, “Miss Parsons, did you see our game last night?”

She pondered a moment and said, “Yes, yes I did. And you know what impressed me the most? When Mr. Webel ran all the way down the field and tackled that guy.”

I can’t remember if I got an erection, but I probably did.

I was on the football team in high school. My freshman year, we were going through summertime two-a-day practices. One blazing-hot day, we were on the afternoon second practice.

We’d been running drills for at least two hours, and I was dripping with sweat and really ready to go home…as were the other kids.

The final drill was open-field tackling. One kid would tuck the ball, run toward a single defender, and try to get past him.

The coach said, “I haven’t seen a single good hit all day. If I see one good hit, we’ll take it in.”

I was in the line for ball-tucking running (I was pretty fast back in the day). Nobody in line before me did anything spectacular, so the drill continued.

I took the ball. The kid who was up against me for the defending position was the biggest kid on the team. Kind of freakish. Seriously, he could’ve passed for at least 22.

I said to myself, “How badly do you want this practice to end?”

So I charged at him full-bore, full-blast. I remember that at about 5 yards away he had this look in his eyes that said, “is this guy going to dodge or spin, or what?”

I ran straight into him. The next thing I remember was waking up on the ground, flat on my back. Everyone was looking at me, including the coach, who said, “okay, let’s take it in.”

Definitely worth it.

Many, many years ago, a friend told me a story of when we were both in high school (small town name, as well as actual people names, will be avoided/changed a la Dragnet to protect the embarrassed).

There was this drop-dead gorgeous girl in our school (let’s call her “Aphrodisia”). She had a huge rack and could’ve been a model. She dated a guy about five years older than the kids in our class, so she was rather off-limits. Not to mention completely out of everyone’s league.

Our school lockers were right next to each other, and the only interaction we’d have was between classes. She was always cheery and talkative, and after a brief locker chat, I’d always have to hold a book over my crotch and shuffle my way to class.

Anyway, this is the story: my friend (let’s call him “Dumbass”) was at home alone one weekend. His parents and brother were away somewhere for a few days.

Dumbass liked his beer, so he’d obtained a case for the weekend. He was busy that Saturday doing the weekend yard chores: mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges, etc. He’d been drinking steadily since that morning.

Late in the afternoon, lo and behold, Aphrodisia knocked on his door. I guess the boyfriend wasn’t a factor right then.

Dumbass was at least a half a case in and quite excited to see her, so she easily charmed her way in. They chatted for a bit. She was holding a small bag, and said, “mind if I go to the bathroom and change into something more comfortable?”

A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom wearing a see-through negligee.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see where this is going. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

But, and I’m paraphrasing Shakespeare, alcohol “enhances desire but diminishes performance.” You guessed it: Dumbass, shall we say, wasn’t up to the task, and Aphrodisia left confused and unfulfilled.

I’ve brought this story up to him a couple of times, in jest, and he just gets defensive and bitter about it. Wonder why.

 

BONUS VIDEO:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jzdikbi9yE

 

From my junior yearbook, Heyworth High School (IL), 1981.  My family had just moved to Heyworth that year.  Fifteen girls signed it early my senior year.  The signatures are transcribed here, with my comments about each.  They appear as they were written in the book, left to right.  Note: The most intimacy I ever got from any of these girls was a kiss.

———-

NAME: Kim Lower

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

Gary,

There is one thing I’ve always wanted to do and that’s become real good friends with you. You have a great personality and you’re such a sweet guy. Have fun your last year at H.H.S. and good luck in the future.

Love,

Kim “84”

Sadly, I don’t remember much about Kim, except that she was pretty cute for a tall nerdy freshman girl.

———-

NAME: Sam Adams

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Taken, but occasionally strangely accessible

(print)

Gary –

Well, you totally ignorant bore! You really appall me with your crude, rude, and socially unacceptable behavior.  Just kidding.  I just thought that would make you feel at home.  You’ve become a great friend to me and I hope we can always stay close (I know, everyone says that.) I mean it, though.

You’ve made church alot more exciting and I hope we can have lots of fun this year. Try not to get too crazy and out of line (or off the road in your case) and don’t forget me next year.

You really are a sweet and funny person, but remember that I can see right through you your sensitive and mature(?) self.  I love you both ways so don’t ever change.  And if you ever need a friend to talk to or do something with – don’t hesitate to call.

Love,

Sam “82”

P.S. It’s a shame religion didn’t play a part in homecoming.  Those others (atheists) would have been sorry.  Oh well.

To this day, Sam remains one of my closest friends, as well as a free therapist.  I kind of think of her as my other sister.  The “off the road” comment could refer to a variety of incidents where I commandeered a vehicle off the road.  It should be noted that her father was minister of our Methodist church.  At homecoming, we were both up for king and queen, but lost.  I’m not sure if the religion/atheist comment is a joke, but if it’s not – what can I say?  It was small-town Midwest USA in the 80’s.

NOTE: Although she dated a jock, Sam somehow still went out on a couple of movie dates with me: “E.T” and “Porky’s.”  Just let it be known that it’s pretty uncomfortable watching Porky’s at a drive-in with a hot chick who’s someone else’s girlfriend…not to mention the minister’s daughter.

———-

NAME Karen Wood

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Mostly single

(print)

Gary,

You are a really sweet guy who I like alot.  You are one of the funniest and funnest guys to be around. We have been good friends for along time and I hope we stay that way forever. (Remeber the costume party)  We should do alot more this year so we have memories.  Anyway, stay the way you are and good luck in football and with whoever you like.

Friends forever,

Karen (#4) “82”

Ah, the costume party. I had just moved to Heyworth that August, and wound up asking Karen to a Halloween party hosted by a classmate.  I don’t remember what costume I wore, but I sure as shit remember hers: a bunny outfit.  Not a Playboy/sexy bunny outfit, but an actual furry-suit outfit.  She had on the makeup and the ears.  She was awesomely cute.  I think dancing with her to “Whip It” was the highlight of that year.

I’m not sure what the “whoever you like” means.  Teenage girls love to be cryptic that way.

And the #4 by her name was her volleyball number.  They had a terrific volleyball team.

———-

NAME: Amy Purlee

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Mostly taken

(cursive)

Gary,

God, I don’t know where to start but I do know one thing you are the sweetest guy in school Well one of them!  We have had some really great times in the past and we better have a lot more times in the future!  Like when you would let me drive your car in the country, when you always came over to my house and we had so much fun, the time we went to the mall and parked so close to that car that they couldn’t get into it.  We have had so much fun together in the past and I hope we have alot more fun in the future (at least we better). Words can’t say how much our friendship has meant to me. There is never one second that I am bored when I am with you.  You always have the right things to say to me to cheer me up when I am feeling sad.  I am going to miss ya so much when ya graduate.  You better keep in touch when ya do graduate.  I love ya and I never want ya to forget me and the times we have had together.  You’re one special guy and I’ll never forget that!  Stay the way you are which is so sweet & lovable!

Love ya always,

Amy

P.S. Your goodlookin too!

Can you believe I only kissed Amy (to the best of my recollection) once?  Despite the enthusiasm displayed above, she was always going out with other guys.   I don’t think just the two of us ever went out.  I don’t remember her driving my car or my parking close to a car, but I’ll take her word for it.  Girls have a good memory for that kind of stuff.  I notice that she repeats herself with the “good times in the past/future” reference, but I assume that’s because she’s simply dazed by my awesomeness.

FUN FACT:  Amy and her family currently live in the house my family lived in the whole time I went to H.H.S.

———-

NAME: Debbie Frazier

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Quite seriously taken, seriously

(print)

Gary,

You have the best personality of anyone I know.  Your such a friendly person, you know how to make everyone smile.  I loved working in the fields with you.  You’re about the only reason I worked as long as I did.  You ought to stop by my house sometime (I like that joke) but you really should stop by. I hope after school you don’t go far away, cause I need someone to go out with when Bill leaves me.  Gotta go

Love ya,

Debbie

I mainly knew Debbie as “the girlfriend of a guy in my class.”  Regarding the “working in the fields,” many students worked rouging/detassling corn during the summer in the Heyworth area.  I don’t know what house-stopping-by joke she’s talking about.  I like the last line: “stay close, I need someone harmless to do stuff with when my boyfriend’s away.”

———-

NAME: Diane Read

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Severely and unabashedly taken

(print)

Gary,

To the man that was lucky enough to meet me as the very first woman in Heyworth!  (smiley face) You have been very sweet to me and I appreciate your friendship  — I remember when I was sick you came over and brought me Tiny Tarts and a test tube (broken!)  I’ve still got the test tube and I ate the Tiny Tarts!  (smiley face)

Stay just as sweet as you are and keep your hair curly – just love it.  (smiley face)!! Keep in touch, forever.

Love ya,

Diane ““82”

It’s true, she was the first woman I met in Heyworth, at a back-to-school party.  The good news: she’s smart and cute.  The bad news: she’s taken.  As, I will soon learn, is the case with all the smart and cute ones.  I blame the government.  (Hey, I’m 17, and Reagan’s in office.)

I admit I’ve done some drugs in my life, but…Tiny Tarts and a broken test tube?  And she kept the test tube?  Diane, we need to talk.

———-

NAME: Cathy True

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Taken by a guy who later joined a zany religious cult

Gary,

I can’t believe you’re a senior.  The way you act I’d swear you were a Freshman Ha! Ha! Ha!   No, I’m just kidding you.  Really I think you are a funny, sweet, attractive, wonderful, masculine guy – whew – I really enjoyed riding in that convertible with you.  I’ll always remember it.  I hope you will talk to me more but I know but I know you are a very busy (that’s how it is with you popular people) anyway I do wish you would communicate more with me (physically HA! HA!) Well I guess I’d better stop writing because I’m getting goofy.  I hope that all your dreams in life come true (not your fantasies).  Have fun!

Love ya,

Cathy “82”

Let me start out by saying that Cathy is crazy hot.  I mean that in the sense that, if you looked at her for more than an instant, you’d literally go crazy. Maybe not institutionalized crazy, but you’d certainly get a boner.  You get my drift. She dated the jock quarterback since I got there, so I don’t know what the nudge-nudge stuff is all about.  Masculine?  Don’t think I’ve ever been accused of that before.  Popular? Shit, socially, I was a gnat on her bootheel.  I think the convertible was at the homecoming parade (by the way – she won queen).   Oh, and why can’t my FANTASIES come true, Cathy, you vixen?

———-

NAME: Pam Sutter

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: A pubic hair away from engagement

(cursive)

Gary,

Since Jackie pigged the page I wanted I guess I’ll right on this one

I’m glad we had classes together last year cause it gave me a chance to get to know you.  I had a pretty good time in English last year.  I’m glad I’ve got you in accounting too, you keep the class going so its not so boring.

You”re a really sweet guy and a very special friend to me.  I hope you come over some after school is out.  If you don’t I’m sure going to miss you!!!

Be good but have fun!!!  Good luck in everything you do.  Stay the way you are, I love ya like that,

Love Ya Always,

Pam

I only had Pam in a few classes; I mainly remember us helping each other in accounting.  I do recall that she always laughed at my corniest jokes.  She was always happy because she was crazy-teenage-girl-in-love.

NOTE: The “Jackie pigged the page” reference is to Jackie Friedrich, a good friend in my class (as well as senior prom date), who I know signed the book.  But I can’t find the said page anywhere in there, which leads me to believe it was possibly ripped out and devoured by wolverines.  Sorry, Jackie.  I’m sure you laid the awesomeness on me and such.  

———-

NAME: Melody Toepke

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Let’s just say 20+ years later she’s married to the guy

(cursive)

Gary,

To a real wild wild-n crazy guy.  I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you better this year.  Your really funny (the next few words are unintelligible, something about my being on drugs). I still love ya.

Take care and watch those drugs! Ha

Friends always,

Mel “82”

Okay.  I’d drink to excess on the weekends sometimes, and I was known by a select few to inhale occasionally.  Basically, your average rural teenager in the 80’s.  So I don’t get the drug thing, unless it’s an ironic joke I’ve forgotten.  Anyway, Mel, call me.  You’re still hot.

———-

NAME: Robin Waller

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Single

Gary,

You’re a great guy with a great personality.  I haven’t know you that long but it’s been fun to know you.  It’s always fun to go through the cemetary with you and Lori C.  Keep everyone smiling!  Good luck in the future.

Friends Always,

Robin “84”

I honestly don’t remember Robin much at all, but I must have crept through a graveyard with her and Lori.  I suppose I thought that was a good way to pick up freshman chicks at the time.

———-

NAME:  Tari White

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: More taken than the little kid in Close Encounters of the Third Kind

(cursive)

To my funny friend,

Gary, you are a real super guy, your never in a bad mood, and you’ve always got a joke to tell. Your 1 in a million and I mean it, stay just the way you are.  Good luck with your future.

Love ya

Tari “82”

P.S. I’m glad my lockers next to yours.

It should be noted that Tari would not only have been considered an ultra-hot-busty babe in a small town, but also in a kind-of-small town, and even a sort-of-maybe-big town.  I think she was glad my locker was next to hers because most guys’ drool over her would drip about 3” off their lip, while I could contain mine to roughly 1.75”.

———-

NAME: Lori Chamberlain

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Mostly taken

(print)

Gary,

I really don’t know where to start. You’re just like a brother to me.  I really can’t write or express how much your freindship means to me.  Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t for you I would of never made it this far.  You always know how to cheer me up when Im down I guess Gary you have the magic touch for that huh?  Thanks for always being there when I needed someone talk too.  Your probably sick of being my Dear Abby.  Huh?  You’re a real cute and foxy guy and as far as Im concerned you deserved king no matter what anybody says.  Remember me when your a big collage stud.  I promise I will come and see you.  We have had plenty of good times and Im sure there will be plenty more.  Like prom for instances prom I really had a blast and I couldnt think of anyone who Id rather go with to on my very 1^st prom.  Thanks for being so special and remember that I will always have a special place in my heart for you.  I love you!  XXOOXO

Love always,

Lori

I admit it: Lori is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met.  She was my Junior prom date, and I have to agree with her, we had a blast.  She was always a great audience for my insanity.

And a blonde.  Grrr.

———-

NAME: Wendy Funk

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

Gary,

To a really sweet and lovable guy, I hope we stay good friends + keep in touch after we graduate.  I’m lookin forward to partying with you again.  Good luck in the future + in everything you do.

Love ya always,

Wendy ‘82

I mainly remember one incident with Wendy.  We had first-period art class.  Before the teacher got in, I made some stupid joke, came up behind her, and touched her 80’s-coiffed hair.  She wheeled around, screamed something, slapped me hard in the face, and stormed out.  Jean Underwood (see below) said something like, “you don’t touch a girl’s hair!” and also stormed out.

MORAL: She just said it.  You don’t touch a girl’s hair.  

———-

NAME: Jean Underwood

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

To a really funny guy who I really like alot.  I wish I would have gotten to know you better, sooner!!

Take care.

Love,

Jean

Other that the incident above, I really didn’t have much contact with Jean.  Although I will go on the record as saying she was, shall we say, boneriffic.

———-

NAME: Lori Gresham

CLASS: Sophomore

DATING STATUS: Mostly single

(print)

Gary,

To a really sweet guy who is alot of fun to be with.  I hope our relationship lasts forever.  Even though you think I hate you (I don’t).  I hope we have alot of fun together the rest of this year and I hope nothing comes between us.  Have fun and don’t ever stop making people feel good.

Love Ya Lots,

Lori “83”

If I recall, Lori was my junior homecoming date.  But I really didn’t know her all that well (and I’m not sure where the “you think I hate you” came from).  You see, she was quite cute, and as the stereotypical 17-year-old, I went for cute instead of compatibility.  We had a mediocre time at homecoming and didn’t date again.

 

But still…look at her last line.  “Have fun and don’t ever stop making people feel good.”  How can I not take that to heart?  I mean, really, those are the only two things I can consistently count on: having fun and, hopefully, making people feel good.

So, in retrospect, I commend all the fine small-town girls who signed.  I love you all, too.  And if I meet any of you at a reunion, I will be a huge tease.

Under my yearbook picture, Heyworth High School, Heyworth, IL, 1982.  Comments follow.

“I Like to Rock” — April Wine song. I was, and still am, a pretty rockin’ guitarist.

Student Council 1,4, Rep. 1,4 – Yeah, I don’t remember much about student council, except that it made me feel important for some reason.

Speech Team 2,3,4 (State 4) — Now we’re cookin’.  I was as surprised as anyone when I made state finals in original comedy in 1982. I got sixth out of seven on a pretty weak and contrived structure with a few decent jokes. The kid who won deserved it, but he was an arrogant asshole, so he also deserved a swift kick in the nuts.

Homecoming Candidate 4 – Again, a shocker.  Homecoming king candidates are popularity contest winners, and I never thought of myself as popular.

Band 1,2,3,4 – Tenor sax, baby.  I won first superior medals at every contest.  I really liked the sax, but I never had my own; I always borrowed the school’s.  I’d get one if they didn’t cost a gajillion dollars.

Chorus 2 – Don’t remember this.

Football 1,2,3,4 – I liked football.  It was easily my favorite school sport.  But I never really tried that hard.  I guess I knew that most of the other kids were more talented than me, and I focused more on the artistic stuff.  Still, hardly anybody gets cut from the team in small towns.

Varsity Club 2,4 – Don’t know what happened to 3.

National Honor Society 3,4 – I was a pretty smart mofo.

Musical 2,3,4 – The musicals were Gypsy, Guys and Dolls, and How to Succeed in Business.  In each, I’d have a small part onstage, sometimes even a song, then spend the rest of the show playing in the pit band.

Golf 3,4 – Lord, did I suck at golf.  I took it because track was too hard.  I only qualified for one meet. I think I stuck with it because the really good golfers on the team were nice, accommodating guys.

IL State Scholar 4 — Again with the smartness.

Swing Choir 1,2 – Actually, this was at Carlyle High School (IL).  I moved to Heyworth my Junior year. I know dancing around to showtune-type songs sounds a little effeminate, but I got to put my hands all over girls.

German National Honor Society 2,3,4 – Achtung, baby.

All-Conference Band 3 – Don’t remember this.

National Forensics League 3,4 – Not CSI stuff.  Speech.  Idiot.