My profile on the dating site OK Cupid.  I get a nibble here and there.  Some of the women who write me are pretty damned strange…wonder why.

 

My self-summary

Born. Grew up. Wrote self-summary. Wow, that was easy.

But seriously, folks…

Do you like upstanding business-driven types? Guys with flashy toys? Dudes whose wardrobes are worth more than the GNP of most third-world countries? You do? Good for you. Now get the hell off my page.

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. Let me start over. I’m a writer/musician type. If I were in the movie “Animal House,” I’d be the guy on the stairs who gets his guitar smashed (thanks, Belushi). I’ve played for 36 years and should be much better than I am, but I’ll still put on a disjointed concert if you ask really nicely. And I won’t even force you to buy my CD. I’m a fan of the Chicago Cubs and the Minnesota Vikings, and for that you may openly mock and/or pity me. I enjoy a day at Arlington Race Track, and if I win $10, I buy a fine fat goose and a dram of absinthe at the marketplace. I have a B.S.E. in English, so if you want to know how to spell “mischievous” or discuss thematic elements in To Kill a Mockingbird, I’m your man. I did stand-up comedy for many years, so feel free to heckle. But don’t be surprised if Rocco in the back there tosses you out.

 

What I’m doing with my life

Blogging, screenwriting, composing, recording, cajoling, infiltrating, imbibing, televangelizing, sautéing, shredding, loitering, bleeding. Okay, I’m not really bleeding.

P.S. I do have a day job, if that’s important to you.

 

I’m really good at

Naming all the movies that have won the Best Picture Oscar, being an only-slightly-annoying smartass, making butt-kicking chili.

 

The first things people usually notice about me

1. The snow-white hair. It’s quite breathtaking. 2. My uncanny resemblance to Chicago radio personality Steve Dahl. 3. My third arm. Just kidding.

 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food

Books: The Catcher in the Rye, The Godfather, Dracula, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Fisher’s Hornpipe, The Family Fang. And I’m in the .009% of the population who thinks the book Forrest Gump is WAY better than the movie.

Movies: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Pulp Fiction, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Braveheart, Roger & Me, Annie Hall, This Is Spinal Tap, Airplane!, numerous others. I’m a bona fide cinephile. But I try to not be a jerk about it.

Shows: The Simpsons, The Colbert Report, Louie, pretty much anything on HBO Sunday night, Archer, Futurama, Dexter.

Music: The Vandals, Southern Culture on the Skids, Frank Zappa, Liz Phair, Green Day, New Duncan Imperials, The Ramones, Pixies, Dropkick Murphys, They Might Be Giants, lots of others.

Food: Pizza, deep-dish pizza, thin-crust pizza, pan pizza, pizza in a cup, pizza-flavored chewing gum.

Stand-up comics: Louie C.K., Patton Oswalt, Doug Stanhope, Jim Jefferies, Jim Gaffigan, Maria Bamford, Brian Regan. Also love Groucho Marx and W.C. Fields.

 

The six things I could never do without

Oxygen

Food-like substances

Having total consciousness

My cotton gin

Most of my internal organs

The wit and wisdom of Betty White

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

It’s not really THINKING, per se, but mostly the left and right sides of my brain having a really loud and violent lovers’ quarrel.

 

On a typical Friday night I am

Is Real Time with Bill Maher on? Yeah, that. Or seeing a band with the young clueless hipster crowd.

 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I have no idea what kind of tampons my ex-wife used.

 

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 35–55
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating

 

You should message me if

You’re laid-back and enjoy witty repartee. And please be female. Guys, I appreciate the thought, but you’re barking up the wrong tree and I won’t write back.

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