Archives for category: Dating

More from OKCupid’s “Y’all Got Issues” section, in which answers to questions are compared.

P.S. On that last one, I do a pretty good Flipper impression.


What is the most exciting thing about getting to know someone new?

Her: Discovering their body

Me: Discovering your shared interests


Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)?

Her: Yes, no matter what

Me: No, it’s not necessary


Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background?

Her: Yes

Me: No


Do you Google someone before a first date?

Her: Yes. Knowledge is power!

Me: No. Why spoil the mystery?


If you were to die, would whoever goes through your personal belongings be shocked by what they find?

Her: No.

Me: Maybe a little bit.


Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Which of these options most closely describes what you’re looking for in your next relationship?

Her: Someone to come home to

Me: Someone to go out with


Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?

Her: No

Me: Yes


If you had to name your greatest motivation in life thus far, what would it be?

Her: Wealth

Me: Expression


Could you date someone who was really quiet?

Her: Yes

Me: No


What is next in this series? 1, 4, 10, 19, 31, _

Her: Don’t know / don’t care

Me: 46


How do you feel about falling in love?

Her: I love it and want it very much

Me: like to just let it happen


Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Upon first meeting, would you be most attracted to a person who:

Her: Exudes overt sexuality

Me: Is witty and charming


Do you enjoy playing board games?

Her: Nope – Won’t play them

Me: Yes – A lot


Do you think it is possible for someone to be an Atheist and still have a solid moral framework by which to live?

Her: No.

Me: Yes.


If you meet someone and they are everything you are looking for, except their body type, do you give them a chance?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Would you prefer that your partner be universally attractive (meaning that many people found them attractive) or uniquely attractive (meaning that they fit YOUR standards, but not necessarily anyone else’s)?

Her: Universally Attractive.

Me: Uniquely Attractive.


Is VERY short hair on a girl necessarily unattractive?

Her: Yes

Me: No


Which, on you, is closest to perfection?

Her: My body

Me: My mind


Do superficial people, who place a high emphasis on physical appearance, annoy you?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Would you prefer to be a financial success or to remain true to your principles?

Her: Financial success, please.

Me: I’ll stick with my principles, thanks.


How important is it that your partner be willing and able to participate in meaningful philosophical conversations?

Her: Not at all important.

Me: Extremely important.


Do you believe that money can buy happiness?

Her: Yes.

Me: No.


Men who wax their chests are…

Her: SEXY!

Me: I don’t care.


Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other?

Her: Yes

Me: No


Do you like to argue?

Her: Yes

Me: No


What’s worse on a first date?

Her: No physical attraction

Me: Nothing to talk about


Have you ever taken a break while at work to “play” with yourself ?

Her: Yes

Me: No


Do you spend more money on clothes or food?

Her: Clothes

Me: Food


In the line “Wherefore art thou Romeo?,” what does “wherefore” mean?

Her: Who cares / wtf?

Me: Where


Which word describes you better?

Her: Intense

Me: Carefree


Do spelling mistakes annoy you?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Which superpower would you rather have?

Her: Invisibility

Me: Flight


Are you quick to trust until proven wrong or more slow to trust until worth is proven?

Her: Slow to trust, until worth is proven.

Me: Quick to trust, until proven wrong.


Do you often find yourself worrying about things that you have no control over?

Her: Yes

Me: No


Is art important to you?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Would you consider having sex in a graveyard?

Her: No.

Me: Yes, but only with the living.


While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?

Her: No way.

Me: The best? Maybe…

My profile on the dating site OK Cupid.  I get a nibble here and there.  Some of the women who write me are pretty damned strange…wonder why.


My self-summary

Born. Grew up. Wrote self-summary. Wow, that was easy.

But seriously, folks…

Do you like upstanding business-driven types? Guys with flashy toys? Dudes whose wardrobes are worth more than the GNP of most third-world countries? You do? Good for you. Now get the hell off my page.

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. Let me start over. I’m a writer/musician type. If I were in the movie “Animal House,” I’d be the guy on the stairs who gets his guitar smashed (thanks, Belushi). I’ve played for 36 years and should be much better than I am, but I’ll still put on a disjointed concert if you ask really nicely. And I won’t even force you to buy my CD. I’m a fan of the Chicago Cubs and the Minnesota Vikings, and for that you may openly mock and/or pity me. I enjoy a day at Arlington Race Track, and if I win $10, I buy a fine fat goose and a dram of absinthe at the marketplace. I have a B.S.E. in English, so if you want to know how to spell “mischievous” or discuss thematic elements in To Kill a Mockingbird, I’m your man. I did stand-up comedy for many years, so feel free to heckle. But don’t be surprised if Rocco in the back there tosses you out.


What I’m doing with my life

Blogging, screenwriting, composing, recording, cajoling, infiltrating, imbibing, televangelizing, sautéing, shredding, loitering, bleeding. Okay, I’m not really bleeding.

P.S. I do have a day job, if that’s important to you.


I’m really good at

Naming all the movies that have won the Best Picture Oscar, being an only-slightly-annoying smartass, making butt-kicking chili.


The first things people usually notice about me

1. The snow-white hair. It’s quite breathtaking. 2. My uncanny resemblance to Chicago radio personality Steve Dahl. 3. My third arm. Just kidding.


Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food

Books: The Catcher in the Rye, The Godfather, Dracula, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Fisher’s Hornpipe, The Family Fang. And I’m in the .009% of the population who thinks the book Forrest Gump is WAY better than the movie.

Movies: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Pulp Fiction, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Braveheart, Roger & Me, Annie Hall, This Is Spinal Tap, Airplane!, numerous others. I’m a bona fide cinephile. But I try to not be a jerk about it.

Shows: The Simpsons, The Colbert Report, Louie, pretty much anything on HBO Sunday night, Archer, Futurama, Dexter.

Music: The Vandals, Southern Culture on the Skids, Frank Zappa, Liz Phair, Green Day, New Duncan Imperials, The Ramones, Pixies, Dropkick Murphys, They Might Be Giants, lots of others.

Food: Pizza, deep-dish pizza, thin-crust pizza, pan pizza, pizza in a cup, pizza-flavored chewing gum.

Stand-up comics: Louie C.K., Patton Oswalt, Doug Stanhope, Jim Jefferies, Jim Gaffigan, Maria Bamford, Brian Regan. Also love Groucho Marx and W.C. Fields.


The six things I could never do without


Food-like substances

Having total consciousness

My cotton gin

Most of my internal organs

The wit and wisdom of Betty White


I spend a lot of time thinking about

It’s not really THINKING, per se, but mostly the left and right sides of my brain having a really loud and violent lovers’ quarrel.


On a typical Friday night I am

Is Real Time with Bill Maher on? Yeah, that. Or seeing a band with the young clueless hipster crowd.


The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I have no idea what kind of tampons my ex-wife used.


I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 35–55
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating


You should message me if

You’re laid-back and enjoy witty repartee. And please be female. Guys, I appreciate the thought, but you’re barking up the wrong tree and I won’t write back.

OKCupid, a free online dating site, recently added a section to profiles titled “Y’all Got Issues.”  It shows how a woman has answered the site’s questions differently than you.  I really have to wonder about some of these women’s brains.  Here are some of my discrepancies:


Are you happy with your life?

Her: No

Me: Yes


“Your a bitch!”  What bothers you more about the above sentence?

Her: The profanity

Me: The grammar


Would you prefer good things happened, or interesting things?

Her: Good

Me: Interesting


To you, which adjective best describes hopeless, unrequited love?

Her: Romantic

Me: Foolish


Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in school?

Her: No, evolution has no place in schools

Me: No, creationism has no place in schools


How much do you spend per year on shoes?

Her: $501 – $1000

Me: Less than $100


How much can intelligence turn you on?

Her: Intelligence does nothing for me either way

Me: A lot!


Do you enjoy intense intellectual conversations?

Her: No

Me: Yes


Would you – for any reason – read your mate’s e-mail or pose as him/her online, without his/her permission?

Her: Yes, they shouldn’t be keeping secrets anyway

Me: No, I’d trust them and that would be invasive


Which would you rather be?

Her: Normal

Me: Weird


Jealousy: Healthy or unhealthy, in the context of a relationship?

Her: Healthy

Me: Unhealthy


How often do you “take it out” on another person when you’ve had a bad day?

Her: Frequently

Me: Never


Would you date someone who was always optimistic?

Her: No way!

Me: Definitely!


If you were really, really drunk, which would you be more likely to do?

Her: Hit someone

Me: Kiss someone


Which makes for a better relationship?

Her: Dedication

Me: Passion


And my favorite…


Which is bigger?

Her: The earth

Me: The sun

I’ve had an OKCupid account for a little over a year.  They added a featured where you can see all the people who visited your profile.  I’m bored and drinking strong coffee, so I broke down the basic demographics.

Total viewers:  79

Average age:  43.9

Oldest age given:  108

Youngest:  31

Longest distance:  Kazakhstan

Longest distance in U.S.:  North Carolina

In my city:  3

Reasonably attractive (by photos):  35%

BBW’s:  20%

Non-Caucasian:  4

Transsexuals:  1

Most interesting handles: thewordmistress, notyourexwife2, rocknrollgirl2, SilentDuck, lorawesome, NaturalBrunette

I don’t know what all this means, really, except that I get 1 – 2 views a week, I don’t attract women under 30, and one of Borat’s sisters viewed me.  Most viewers are white, not real cute, fairly fit, and not very imaginative with screennames.

And one tranny was interested.  You go, girl/guy.

Online dating.  The phrase makes it sound simple, as if you merely go online and find a date with the ease of finding an Easter egg in your parents’ two-bedroom apartment, or flaws in Republican party ideology.  What it really means is that you go online and, with a ton of sheer luck, hope to eventually work your way into a date that doesn’t end with you coming home alone, sobbing, broken, and watching softcore porn on Cinemax until 3 a.m.  It should be called “online maybe you’ll meet someone relatively compatible who doesn’t find you completely repulsive and you may agree to see each other again-ing.”

Sure, there are success stories.  The pay sites love to tout those everywhere.  Couples who meet and it’s immediately like John and Yoko.  I know of a few of these couples who seem truly, genuinely happy.  Kudos to them and their online prowess for pitching woo.

But let me tell those couples something:  you got really fucking lucky.

I got divorced in 1999 and soon thereafter signed up for Yahoo Personals.  Since then I’ve been on Matchmaker, Match, and OKCupid.  So I’ve got a few years in this.

In all my personals profiles, I’ve tried to be as amusing as possible while still being as informative as possible. I generally state my fondness for movies, music, books, art, and sports.  I also mention I play guitar (studies show 78.3% of chicks dig that).

Over the years, I’d estimate that I’ve written to 200 – 300 women.  I’m really pretty selective – I only write to women whose profiles seem interesting and/or humorous.  Maybe 10% of them have written back. Some correspondences have gone on for several e-mails, some died right away.

Total dates gotten from initiating interest: 1.

In those same years, maybe 40 – 50 women have written me first.  That’s excluding the porn/Russian bride spam.  I admit I haven’t written back to several – but come on.  I know I’m no prize, but at least be slightly better-looking than Bella Abzug (youngsters, GIS her).

But a few had enticing opening e-mails, and the correspondence continued.  I admit playful written banter is intriguing and, on certain levels, sexy.

NOTE: If a woman writes you first and immediately wants to meet, she’s probably really desperate.  Maybe even crazy.  Proceed with caution.  If she drags things out forever, and refutes your suggestions to meet or even talk on the phone, she’s probably married or otherwise taken and is feeling guilty.  Dump that shit.  Who needs it?

Total dates nabbed from women’s interest: 2.

So we have a total of 3 dates.

#1 – wrote me first — Ended up being my girlfriend for roughly 15 months, my longest relationship since my divorce.  I admit, she was cool and fun.  We really adored each other.  True love?  Probably not.  She ultimately met another guy who was more appealing, and split.

#2 – I wrote her – Had our first date, at a local bar, to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band.  Fun time, but when I e-mailed her about a future date, she said sorry, it was fun, but she was pursuing someone else.

#3 – wrote me first – First date was playing pool at a local bar.  She kicked my ass.  Same story as with #2 — sorry, it was fun, but she was pursuing someone else.

But still, I persevere.  I’m a glass-half-full kinda guy. I still write to a few interesting women on OKCupid, and occasionally, they write back.  I hold out for that one that just might knock my socks off.

So to all those lovelorn online romantics, I say: chin up.  Remember what Thomas Edison said: “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Translated: There are 10,000 dickheads/bitches who won’t respond to you, or will drop off correspondence for a variety of reasons.  Keep at it.  You haven’t failed.  You deserve that one who will truly make you happy.

Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to go outside and talk to actual people once in a while.  I hear people still meet that way, too.