Turned fifty today.  Some writer types might ramble on, but here’s just a few insights I’ve garnered over a half-century:

(Editor’s note: this does ramble on a bit.  But lucky readers who stick through it to the end will win two tickets to Walley World!)


Don’t buy things you don’t need.  And you don’t need most things.  Treat yourself once in awhile, but keep it reasonable, fer chrissake.  Collecting is okay, but don’t be a hoarder.  You’ve seen the TV shows.  Yeesh.

LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.  The fire’s just as hot the second and third and fourth time you stick your hand in it, idiot.

Wear sunscreen. (Okay, I ripped that off):   http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

Some people are mean, spiteful, or just plain cruel.  It’s a fact; deal with it.  They’re insecure, not worth your time, and karma’s a bitch.  Their asses will figuratively and quite possibly literally be kicked.

Ever seen the movie “They Live,” with Rowdy Roddy Piper?  Aliens are sending humans subliminal messages, and if you have special glasses, you can read the messages.  On all the paper money, the message is “This Is Your God.”  Don’t let that message sink in.  It’s just a movie.  A movie with a way-too-long fight scene, I might add.

Follow your heart, but use your head.

Be as creative as you can as often as you can.  There has to be SOME artist in you.  Tap that shit.

You may think you know the opposite sex, but you don’t really know the opposite sex.  That’s the cosmic joke.

Don’t let just one thing define you.  Don’t just be “that guy who’s a superfan of that team” or “that chick who idolizes Johnny Depp” or “the dude who could win any Star Trek trivia contest.”  Have a little depth, man.  You’re more than that.

Don’t drink and drive.  Really, if you’ve had more than a few drinks in couple of hours you shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a vehicle (especially if you’re a tiny wee person).  And DUIs are huge moneymakers for municipalities.  Don’t give in to The Man.

Help others when you can.  You’ll feel good about it.

Don’t be paranoid.  Just be cautiously suspicious.

If you don’t know how to cook, learn at least a few simple recipes.  Mad kitchen skillz are a good thing to possess.

I don’t care if you’re a theist or an atheist; don’t force your agenda on people.  It makes you look desperate.

Eat, drink, and be merry.  And make a joyful noise.  You’ll feel good about it.

Oh yeah: PLAY NICE.



I know more about myself than I’ve ever known, and I still amaze myself from time to time.

I know more about people’s desires, weaknesses, talents and fears than I’ve ever known, and people still amaze me from time to time.

Spiritually, I’m very in tune and at peace.


ADDITIONAL MATERIAL (Added at the last minute and at great expense)


10:30 p.m. on a Saturday


When you’re 10:  I’m sleepy, but I fought to stay up this late, so I must persevere.

When you’re 20:  Let the party begin!

When you’re 30:  The kids are asleep.   Wanna bang?

When you’re 40:  Who’s hosting SNL tonight?

When you’re 50:  zzzzzzzzzzzzzz




Hope everyone who read this far is psyched about going to Walley World!  And fellow geezers, look forward to your 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and beyond.  It’s only gonna get better.


Cheers! *clinks glasses with everybody*