Archives for category: humorous

It’s Probably Best I Don’t Reproduce

September 26, 2015 //

I’m 51 years old, and never had kids (or, as the cliché goes, none that I know of). That’s mainly because the ex-wife didn’t want any, and I didn’t really care.

Sometimes people will ask, “Don’t you wish you had kids?”

That’s a good question. The answer is: no.

Why? Let’s say I had one offspring. For pronoun ease, let’s say I had a son.

That boy would be born angelic, as if spawned from some kind of bizarre supernatural spermatozoa. As he came out of the chute, an eerie but obvious presence would be present in the delivery room. The doctor and nurses would be really creeped out, but would continue with the procedure because they’re paid well and want to witness the mysterious miracle.

The kid would be a prodigy of which prodigies have never seen. By age two, he’d be playing twelve musical instruments, reading on a college level, and hanging out with Neil deGrasse Tyson (and it’s cool that Neil would change his diaper).

I’d quickly grow to resent the bastard (I use “bastard” figuratively here, assuming he was born in wedlock).

By age four, he’d he a neurosurgeon or important diplomat or rock star. I’d want to be a good dad, but his rapid achievements would just make me even more bitter about my own failings. I’d quickly slide into a vicious cycle of cocaine, heroin, crack, poppers, and fast food.

By age eight, when he’s President of the World, I’d slash my wrists with a rusty pen knife in the gutter under some broken-down bridge (which he’ll repair now that he’s President of the World).

So that’s why I don’t have a kid. His awesomeness would be my demise.

Categories humorous

Taking One for The Team

September 7, 2015 //

I was on the football team in high school. My freshman year, we were going through summertime two-a-day practices. One blazing-hot day, we were on the afternoon second practice.

We’d been running drills for at least two hours, and I was dripping with sweat and really ready to go home…as were the other kids.

The final drill was open-field tackling. One kid would tuck the ball, run toward a single defender, and try to get past him.

The coach said, “I haven’t seen a single good hit all day. If I see one good hit, we’ll take it in.”

I was in the line for ball-tucking running (I was pretty fast back in the day). Nobody in line before me did anything spectacular, so the drill continued.

I took the ball. The kid who was up against me for the defending position was the biggest kid on the team. Kind of freakish. Seriously, he could’ve passed for at least 22.

I said to myself, “How badly do you want this practice to end?”

So I charged at him full-bore, full-blast. I remember that at about 5 yards away he had this look in his eyes that said, “is this guy going to dodge or spin, or what?”

I ran straight into him. The next thing I remember was waking up on the ground, flat on my back. Everyone was looking at me, including the coach, who said, “okay, let’s take it in.”

Definitely worth it.

Categories High school, humorous

Think About The Good Stuff

August 13, 2015 //

Ever been feeling low, then suddenly remember an obscure but really happy thought from way back when…and you were immediately cheerful?

This thought just came ‘round:

Back some New Year’s Eve in the early 90s, I was booked as the emcee for the night’s comedy shows at the Radisson Hotel in Merrillville, IN. It’s a big nice hotel, and instead of using the facility’s small comedy club, the shows were held in the main banquet hall, which is HUGE. It was the biggest audience for which I ever performed.

An hour or so before the first show, the club manager came up to me. She said, “you know, a few weeks ago when the agent told me the lineup for tonight, it was different. I said, ‘do I have any say-so in the talent?’ He said, ‘I guess…who do you have in mind?’ I said, “I want Gary Webel to emcee.’ He said, “I’ll give him a call.’”

Then I ravaged her. Just kidding. I thanked her profusely.

I just found it quite heartwarming that a manager (who never requested particular comics) would want me to start the biggest shows of the year – because she thought I kicked ass.

And the shows went great. Not a drop of flop sweat. And no broken guitar strings. That always sucked.

Categories humorous

Get Off The Stage

July 8, 2015 //

When I started doing stand-up many years ago, I went to lots of open-mic nights. You didn’t get paid (unless you emceed, then you got $2 and a drink), but you got a little exposure, and once in a while there was an interested agent in the crowd.

You got about 5 minutes stage time, and each week I’d try 5 new minutes, then keep things that worked, and so on.

But there were some guys/gals who did the same five minutes WEEK AFTER WEEK. And they might get one pity laugh the whole time. This would go on for months.

The first time I got onstage, I didn’t have my guitar. I just did stupid rookie jokes, but I got a decent response. The next time, I took the acoustic onstage, did a couple of songs, and saw my true purpose in life.

But why would you come back, week after week, to hardly any response at all? Especially when you’ve seen the other comics get a good response?

I think there may be some deep emotional scars there that even Dr. Phil can’t fix.

Categories humorous

Give The Kid Some Credit

June 18, 2015 //

A few years ago, I started my first screenplay. This is probably as far as it will go. The general idea is that the main character moves to Hollywood with the goal of getting his name in the credits of as many movies as possible. There’s a love interest (with the same goal as him, and thus competition), a rival villain actor, and a sleazy low-rent agent (think Danny DeVito). Ah well, maybe someday it’ll come to fruition…

P.S. the formatting’s a bit off, but you get the picture.

GIVE THE KID SOME CREDIT

INT: APARTMENT, BEDROOM, MORNING

Close-up on a stack of movie DVDs, titles visible. The camera pans slowly up; eventually we reveal that there are thousands of DVDs. The titles are widely varied; classic comedies, film noir, foreign films, blockbusters, etc. We pan back to show that they are stacked in a small bedroom with movie posters plastered on the walls. Pan out to the hallway of the apartment to another bedroom door; it opens and STEVE, 26, yawning and in boxer shorts, staggers out. We follow him out to the living room where he sits on a ratty couch next to his roommate JAKE, 24, who is engrossed in watching a movie on TV.

STEVE

What’s for breakfast?

JAKE

Satan’s Cheerleaders, 1977.

STEVE

Ah, a light snack for you this

morning. No heavy Schindler’s

List stuff.

STEVE produces a bong, lights it, and takes a hit.

STEVE

Up all night?

JAKE

Crashed about two, got up about

five.

STEVE

Anything good on?

JAKE

Attack of the fifty-foot woman.

Gotta love that giant fake hand.

STEVE

I remember that hand. It would make

my penis look incredibly small.

JAKE

Do you always have to make dick jokes

as soon as you get up?

STEVE

You know you love it.

STEVE takes another hit as JAKE clicks the remote to pause the movie. It is paused on a few insignificant characters onscreen.

JAKE

Look at that.

STEVE

What? A bunch of losers in a grade-Z

movie who are probably dead by now?

JAKE

The guy on the right. He’s in the

credits as Cop number three.

STEVE

So?

JAKE

So? The guy probably spent a day or

two shooting, got enough money to pay

his gas bill, and got his name in the

credits.

STEVE

Who cares? Nobody stays for the credits.

JAKE

I beg to differ. I’ve seen thousands

of movies, and I’ve watched the credits

of every one. Did you know that “Hooper”

started the trend of showing outtakes

during the credits?

STEVE

Did you know I don’t give a shit?

JAKE glances at a clock on the wall.

JAKE

Crap, gotta go.

JAKE heads to the door.

STEVE

Another day in paradise.

JAKE

Hey, it pays the rent, and it beats

the hell out of your job. Besides, the

(hot DVD movie at the time) special

edition comes out next month. Gotta

save up.

STEVE

You know, I’ve known guys who are

obsessed with pussy, obsessed with cars,

obsessed with booze, money, whatever.

But I’ve never known a guy as obsessed

with movies as you are.

JAKE

” Obsessed” makes me sound like a stalker.

I prefer passion. I have a passion for

film. It comforts me, it challenges me,

it intrigues me, it makes me laugh, it

even makes me feel sexy.

STEVE

I thought I did all that.

JAKE

(chuckles)

Later, dude.

JAKE exits.

EXT: ANDERSON INSURANCE COMPANY, DAY

A small insurance building.

INT: SAME, DAY

A small but bustling office. JAKE is sitting at a desk in a cubicle, entering data into a computer from a stack of papers. There is movie memorabilia all over his cube. Over his shoulder we see that he frequently flips the computer screen from his data entry software to several movie forum websites.

JAKE

(reading a site)

Iron Man 2 is better than Iron Man.

You gotta be shitting me, VincentVega94.

He starts to type a response when his boss, JOAN, 45, approaches

his desk and startles him. He awkwardly switches screens.

JOAN

Morning, Jake. Got a minute?

JAKE

Sure.

JOAN

Come to my office.

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, DAY

JOAN and JAKE enter, each taking a seat on their respective sides of the desk.

JOAN

First of all, how’s your mother?

JAKE

Fine. Still keeping books at the hardware

store.

JOAN

Good. It’s been ages since I talked to her.

Things tend to get crazy…anyway, Jake, let

me ask you something: do you like your job?

JAKE

(thinks)

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

JOAN

You don’t sound very convincing.

JAKE

I punch numbers into a computer all day.

I know there are worse things I could be

doing, but it just doesn’t hold my interest.

JOAN

Well, I hope that changes soon, because I

called you in here to talk about your

performance.

JOAN produces some paperwork.

JOAN

I’ve had several complaints lately.

Invoice codes entered incorrectly, sometimes

pertinent information on J-6 spreadsheets

left out completely. This isn’t hard stuff,

Jake. Is everything okay?

JAKE

Yeah. I guess I just sometimes get

distracted.

JOAN

You know what I think? I think you think

about movies too much. It’s all you talk

about with anyone. Hell, most of us don’t

even know what movies you’re talking about

half the time.

JAKE

(a little defensive)

I could be like Anne and come in hopped up

on Vicodin every day.

JOAN’s POV: from out of her office window we see a woman, presumably ANNE, slide out of her desk chair.

JOAN

(sighs)

Just get your head in the game, okay? I’d

hate to tell your mom I had to can you.

JAKE nods.

INT: ANDERSON INSURANCE, DAY

JAKE returns to his desk and stares blankly at the computer screen. His desk phone rings; he answers.

JAKE

Anderson Insurance, Jake speaking.

JAKE’s mother, SANDRA, is on the line.

SANDRA

(on phone)

Hi, sweety. How’s work?

JAKE

Good, mom. Joan says hello.

SANDRA

That’s nice. Sweety, I have some bad

news.

From this point on in the conversation, SANDRA’s voice is shaky.

SANDRA

Aunt Mary passed away this morning.

Heart attack, poor thing.

JAKE

(stunned)

Oh no. I always liked aunt Mary.

SANDRA

And she always adored you, son. I hate to

bother you with this news at work, but I

thought you should know right away. I’ll

talk to you later about the arrangements.

JAKE

Are you okay, mom?

SANDRA

Yes, sweety. You just keep doing well at

work. We’ll talk later. Love you.

JAKE

Love ya too, mom.

He slowly hangs up.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN TO:

INT: CAR, DAY

JAKE sits in the passenger seat as SANDRA, 50, drives. They are both dressed up.

SANDRA

That was a lovely ceremony. Reverend

Stanton gave a wonderful eulogy, and

the flowers were beautiful.

JAKE

I’m really gonna miss aunt Mary. She

was the only relative who “got” me.

SANDRA shoots him a stern glance.

JAKE

And my mother, of course. It’s just that

she knew I love movies, and she loved

them, too.

SANDRA

I like movies.

JAKE

You like “Steel Magnolias.”

SANDRA

That’s a movie, isn’t it?

JAKE

I suppose, if you’re an old lady.

They both laugh.

JAKE

Every birthday and Christmas, she gave me

a movie, remember? And they were always movies

I liked. She got me all my Star Wars films,

early Peter Jackson stuff, even a few rare

foreign movies. Remember the Freddy Krueger

doll she gave me? Still in my room, still

in the box. You know what her favorite movie

was? Apocalypse Now. How cool is that? What

fifty-three-year-old woman’s favorite movie is

Apocalypse Now?

SANDRA

I always enjoyed seeing you two get along

so well. You really had lively conversations

during the holidays. She certainly was a

special person. We all have fond memories

of her.

EXT: CEMETERY ROAD, DAY

The car pulls over and parks, as do several others. We see they are in a funeral procession near the gravesite.

INT: CAR, DAY

SANDRA

Sweety, I need to tell you something. You know

aunt Mary was well-off, right?

JAKE

I knew she did okay at her marketing job, and

made some good investments.

SANDRA

I talked to uncle Bert this morning. He’s executor

of Mary’s estate. Mary left you some money.

JAKE

(surprised)

Really.

SANDRA

Yes. I don’t know how much, exactly, but he’ll

be mailing it to you soon. I just have some

paperwork for you to sign when we’re done today.

JAKE

Will I be able to retire to a tropical island

with hula girls and fruity drinks?

SANDRA

That’s a little far-fetched, sweety, but I

think you’ll find she was very generous with

you.

They exit the car.

INT: APARTMENT, LATE AFTERNOON

SUBTITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER

STEVE enters with a small box and some other mail. JAKE, as usual, is watching a movie.

STEVE

Hey, I think you got your check from Publisher’s

Clearing House. I hope your subscription to

Home & Garden was worth it.

He hands the box to JAKE. He opens it. There’s an envelope and a wooden cigar box inside.

STEVE

Cigars! Your aunt kicked ass.

JAKE opens the cigar box. He pulls out a small Star Wars stormtrooper figurine.

STEVE

Well, you can’t smoke it, but it’s

pretty cool.

There’s also a note. JAKE reads it.

JAKE

“Jake, you were always my favorite nephew.

You have great things in you. Use my gift

to follow your dreams. Love, Mary.”

STEVE

I hope she doesn’t mean the stormtrooper.

Open the envelope, Bill Gates.

JAKE opens the envelope, pulls out the check, and stares at it. He is dumbstruck.

JAKE

Whoa.

STEVE slides over and looks at the check. We now see it: the amount is $125,000.

STEVE

Holy shit. Your aunt left you a quarter

-million dollars.

JAKE

(still absorbing)

It’s an eighth of a million, dipshit.

STEVE

Still, damn. Can I have a few grand? I

want to get a boob job.

JAKE just stares at the check.

DAYDREAM SEQUENCE: JAKE is an actor, on the set of a low-budget film. He points a gun at another actor and fires. The other actor falls and dies dramatically. The fallen actor wears a shirt that says “Jake’s dead-end old life.” JAKE blows the smoke from the barrel of the gun and winks at the camera. The other actors and crew break into applause. A woman on the set looks at him and beams. She’s very proud of him. He smiles at her and mouths, “Thank you, aunt Mary.”

STEVE

Dude, snap out of it. You’re a lucky

bastard. You just got six figures handed

to you by a great roommate who just happens

to take large donations.

JAKE

(quietly)

I know what I have to do.

STEVE

If you say “donate it all to P.E.T.A.,” I

swear I’ll kick you in the nuts SO hard…

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, MORNING

JOAN is sitting at her desk typing on her keyboard when JAKE enters and quickly takes a seat. He’s dressed way down from normal office attire and is very excited.

JOAN

Morning, Jake. Can I help you?

JAKE

Morning. I quit.

JOAN

What?

JAKE

I quit. I am…no longer in your employ.

JOAN

But Jake…you were improving…

JAKE

You were right. I think about movies too

much. That’s why I’m quitting and moving

to L.A.

JOAN

This is all pretty sudden. Did you meet

some L.A. girl online who’s also a movie

freak?

JAKE

No, though that would be nice. I’m going

to get my name in the credits of as many

movies as I can. My personal goal is a

thousand. But I tend to aim low.

JOAN

I see. And you have money for this?

JAKE

My aunt Mary left me some. She was an

awesome lady.

He stands to leave.

JAKE

Well, Joan, thanks for three years of

employment. You did me and my mom a

big favor by hiring me. But now I must

say goodbye to a few former coworkers

and ride off into the sunset of Hollywood.

She comes from behind the desk and gives him a hug.

JOAN

This is pretty bizarre, Jake, but we’ll

miss you. I’d wish you luck, but I know

you’ll hit this one out of the park.

Movies are just in your blood.

JAKE

Just out of curiosity, who’s going to

replace me?

JOAN

Hmmm…I’m thinking Anne.

Shot of ANNE: She’s passed out on her desk and nearly sliding off.

Categories humorous, Screenplay

Too Much Mr. Nice Guy

April 24, 2015 //

“You’re too nice.”

I’ve heard this many times in my life, both at jobs and from women.

I’ve never quite understood it. Isn’t being nice a virtue, given all the cruelty and inhumanity to man in the world?

Take my last job (please *rim shot*). A customer (read: trucking company) would mess up. My boss, a totally not-nice dickhead, would tell me, “call them and kick their ass.” I’d call them and firmly but professionally voice my displeasure. Then I’d get ripped for “not kicking their ass.” They got the message that they fucked up and it shouldn’t happen again –- isn’t that the point? Why be a deliberate asshole? And I’m not sure I want a job where being “too nice” is a detriment.

And, let’s face it, nice guys don’t generally rate high with women. I was constantly friendzoned in high school because of niceness. Women like a guy who’s at least somewhat of a dick, likes to argue, and who gets pissed off about things. I’m just not that way, and I don’t see changing anytime soon. It’s like telling a murderous psychopath, “just mellow out and don’t kill people.” It’s not in my nature.

Several people along the way have tried to provoke me into fights. Never happened; I’ve always calmly talked my way out of fisticuffs with insecure macho dudes. (If you’re stupid enough to provoke me for no reason, you’re easily stupid enough to be talked out of imbecilic violence.)

I think it stems from my upbringing. I was raised in a nice, religious family. There were very few arguments and they were all resolved amicably. Everyone was nice.

Really, it all boils down to the golden rule: I don’t treat people in ways I wouldn’t want to be treated. And if that means I’m “too nice,” then I weep for humanity.

Categories humorous

We Must Protect Our Borders

March 29, 2015 //

TO: The Honorable Governor of the Precarious State of Illinois, Bruce Rauner

Mr. Governor Bruce (can I call you Bruce?), I write to you today not as a military or political advisor, or as a person who really knows much about the military or politics, or even as a relatively intelligent man. I write to you as a super-concerned citizen who feels he must warn you of the dangers of deadly invasion from all heathen states that border our great state of Illinois.

They’re just sitting there, Governor, with their beady little bloodthirsty Midwestern eyes trained right on us. We must be prepared.

After exhaustive research, mostly from very questionable websites, here is my assessment of the situation:

Wisconsin

Population: 5.75 million

Military technology: Dairy-based

Base of operations: Milk farm somewhere southwest

Threat level: 8

These cheeseheads are just itchin’ to invade. They may look big and slow, but they have incredible reflexes. I say beef up the northern border with rabid Bears fans/Packers haters.

Iowa

Population: 3.71 million

Military technology: Ethanol-based

Base of operations: Corn farm somewhere east, probably in cahoots with the Wisconsin milk farm base

Threat level: 7

They’ve got their hawk eyes trained on us (Hawkeyes, get it?). But seriously, we need to get some hardcore troops ready in the northwest. They could pounce at any minute.

Missouri

Population: 6.06 million

Military technology: They got a few tricks up their sleeve

Base of operations: Gateway Arch, atop which is affixed a powerful laser cannon; there’s also a strong military complex inside Silver Dollar City in Branson

Threat level: 9

The “Show Me” state would really like to show us an ass-kickin’. I think they’re mad because they have no professional basketball team and we have the Bulls. Regardless, they want to annihilate us. Action must be taken immediately.

Kentucky

Population: 4.2 million

Military technology: Whisky bent and hell bound

Base of operations: Jim Beam distillery in Clermont, which holds a secret underground lair in which diabolical biological weapons are being rapidly researched

Threat level: 8.72

These boozed-up hillbillies would like nothing more than to slice our throats from ear to ear. They only border us a little, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. Get on it – they mean business.

Indiana

Population: 6.59 million

Military technology: It’s insane what these rubes come up with

Base of operations: Unknown; could be anywhere in that goddamned wasteland of a state

Threat level: 11

HOOSIERS WILL KILL US ALL! These heathens dream all night about charging the eastern border and disemboweling every last one of us. And they’re smarter than they look. Please maneuver 90% of all troops to prevent imminent invasion.

Michigan (lower threat)

They’re not really on our border, per se, but one day – and that day will come sooner than later – they will develop the technology to create crude watercraft. And when that day comes, and they decide they want to cross the lake, Chicago is in big trouble. I say keep a close eye on them.

Thank you for your time and God bless (please put the military into action immediately),

Gary

XOXO

Categories humorous, Politics

Early Cuyler, Squid of Many Hats

January 10, 2015 //

Early Cuyler (voice of Unknown Hinson), star of Adult Swim’s Squidbillies, always wears a trucker hat. Here are some of the slogans that have graced such hats over eight seasons:

Free Hat Limit 1

Guns Don’t Kill People, They Just Make It Easy!!!

David Allen CEO Live in Macon

I Love Cock Fighting (“Fighting” in much smaller lettering)

Your Dumbass Idea Here

T’aint one T’aint the other!!!!!

Breathe If You’re Horny

Hold My Hat While I Have Sex With Your Wife!!!

Do Something With Your Life! Take Your Top Off!!!

Tell your Boobs to stop staring at my EYES!!!

Don’t blame me, I didn’t Vote!!!

Booty Hunter

Body for Pleasure Mind for Sin

Laugh So I Can See ‘Em Bounce!!

No Habla Jibber-Jabber!

Shoot First Ask Questions Never!

Emergency? Dial .357!!!!

Too Funk To Druck!!

I Support The Flat Tax ‘Cause I’m Flat Broke!

Honey, I’d Suck The Fart Out Of Your Car Seat!!!

Born to Die!!!

Nice Legs! What Time They Open?

Been There, Done That, Got This Hat!

I’ve Got Beer Googles! When I drink I know It all!!!

Vote YES To Legalize Midget Tossing

This Ain’t No Hat, It’s A Rag Top For A Sex Convertible!

I’m Going Nucking Futz!!

This Hat Contains Minimum 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Hats

My Other Hat is YOUR MOMMA!

Whiskey While You Work

I’m Did Asbestos I Can

Prom King 2005

Swayze Crazy

Nifty! Nifty! Look who’s 53!

World’s Greatest Illegitimate Daddy

Categories humorous

Goofy Game Humor

January 7, 2015 //

There’s a fun little PC game called “Fairy Godmother Tycoon,” where you build up a potion business in a fairy-tale-like environment. Each day there’s a news flash. I thought the writers did a pretty good job of injecting humor into the headlines:

House that Jack built burns downs, setting off chain of tragic events

“Nine days old” pease porridge linked to E Coli breakout

Monkeys found chasing weasels around mulberry bushes – zoologists baffled

Suburban sprawl fuels gingerbread housing boom

Moon-jumping cow tests positive for bovine growth hormone

Bremen musicians top charts, prepare for solo projects

After one hour of negotiations, crisis intervention team talks mouse down from clock

News flash! Little boys made from snakes and snails, generally “icky,” conclude little girl scientists

Princess unable to sleep because of pea in mattress; dismissed as “high maintenance wench” by local handsome prince

Emperor picked up on indecency charges

Christmas pies recalled amidst plum scare

Group bathing an excellent way to conserve water, claims local butcher, baker, and candlestick maker

Rapunzel to sign endorsement deal with Vidal Saloon hair products

Do polygamist communities exist at St. Ives? We investigate

“The Jack Sprat Diet” tops bestsellers list

Tom Thumb in fight for life after being trapped in glove

Birds of a feather not flocking together; scientists baffled

Chicken Little forecast: sky to fall tomorrow — again

Humpty Dumpty dead at age 44; all local walls required to have new “Not Safe for Eggs” warning signs

Old lady swallows fly; develops staphylococcus infection

Sleeping Beauty shocker: “I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome”

Lack of nimbleness cited in candlestick mishap

Local dish runs away with spoon; Mrs. Dish reportedly devastated

Report: Little Piggy eats roast beef; cow retaliates by eating bacon

Government cracks down on gingerbread houses, citing obesity risk to small children

Little Boy Blue fired for sleeping on the job

Local wolf tells all in interview: “I’m not really that big or bad. I just want to be loved”

Spider apologizes to Little Miss Muffet for emotional damage

Named in harassment suit, Georgie Porgie admits he kissed all the girls, but denies he made them cry, saying girls were “totally into it”

Farmer’s wife arrested for assault and battery; blind rodents nationwide cheer the verdict

Snow White picked to live in a house with seven dwarves in new reality television series

London Bridge unsafe, king finally admits

Local daredevil hunter catches a tiger by the toe!

Today’s lunch special at Mary’s Diner: A little lamb, just $5.99

Pinocchio dumped by girlfriend! “He gave me splinters!” she reveals in interview

Yankee Doodle’s Macaroni Shack closes after Feather Alfredo dish proves enormously unpopular

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty to sue Prince Charming for bigamy; no comment from Snow White

Animal control called in to rescue French hens, turtle doves, and partridges in elaborate Christmas gift gone awry

Jack Sprat and wife banned from all-you-can-eat buffet

Old woman can’t sell shoe – is housing boom over?

Categories humorous

And Now, the Airing of Grievances

December 24, 2014 //

Happy Festivus! Before we get to the feats of strength, I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it. Let’s go around the table:

Racism, just knock it off. You’re an ignorant bigoted jackass.

Emma Stone, you need to write back to my fan mail letters, Miss I’m-Too-Famous-To-Write.

Ebola, get off my planet, you goddamn parasite.

ISIS, pull your panties out of your buttcrack and leave people alone.

Matthew McConaughey, you’re okay. Keep on keepin’ on, my man.

Anna Kendrick, you also need to write back to me, you beautiful heartless wench.

Jay Cutler, get your shit together, you overpriced has-been.

Rioters, quit trying to set fire to my Festivus pole and sit your stupid misguided-anger asses down.

Missing Malaysian plane, stop being a coward and show yourself.

Bill Cosby, keep it in your pants, you drink-drugging sociopath.

North Korea, quit messing with our film release timeline and get a sense of humor.

Suicide bombers, you suck. Go jump off a cliff or something. There are no virgins waiting for you.

Gas prices, you’re cool…for now.

Angry homophobes, go sit in the corner and contemplate why gay sex is on your mind so much it enrages you.

Hollywood, make something good once a month or so, you talentless money-grubbing hacks.

Crazed mass-murdering gunmen, pop a Xanax and binge-watch Downton Abbey instead, you delusional idiots.

Government, you’re a mess. Go sit by Jay Cutler and discuss how you’re both going to get your shit together.

Okay! Now who wants to lose to me in a wrestling match?

Categories humorous