Happy Festivus!  Before we get to the feats of strength, I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it.  Let’s go around the table:


Racism, just knock it off.  You’re an ignorant bigoted jackass.

Emma Stone, you need to write back to my fan mail letters, Miss I’m-Too-Famous-To-Write.

Ebola, get off my planet, you goddamn parasite.

ISIS, pull your panties out of your buttcrack and leave people alone.

Matthew McConaughey, you’re okay.  Keep on keepin’ on, my man.

Anna Kendrick, you also need to write back to me, you beautiful heartless wench.

Jay Cutler, get your shit together, you overpriced has-been.

Rioters, quit trying to set fire to my Festivus pole and sit your stupid misguided-anger asses down.

Missing Malaysian plane, stop being a coward and show yourself.

Bill Cosby, keep it in your pants, you drink-drugging sociopath.

North Korea, quit messing with our film release timeline and get a sense of humor.

Suicide bombers, you suck.  Go jump off a cliff or something. There are no virgins waiting for you.

Gas prices, you’re cool…for now.

Angry homophobes, go sit in the corner and contemplate why gay sex is on your mind so much it enrages you.

Hollywood, make something good once a month or so, you talentless money-grubbing hacks.

Crazed mass-murdering gunmen, pop a Xanax and binge-watch Downton Abbey instead, you delusional idiots.

Government, you’re a mess.  Go sit by Jay Cutler and discuss how you’re both going to get your shit together.


Okay! Now who wants to lose to me in a wrestling match?