There’s a fun little PC game called “Fairy Godmother Tycoon,” where you build up a potion business in a fairy-tale-like environment.  Each day there’s a news flash.  I thought the writers did a pretty good job of injecting humor into the headlines:

House that Jack built burns downs, setting off chain of tragic events

“Nine days old” pease porridge linked to E Coli breakout

Monkeys found chasing weasels around mulberry bushes – zoologists baffled

Suburban sprawl fuels gingerbread housing boom

Moon-jumping cow tests positive for bovine growth hormone

Bremen musicians top charts, prepare for solo projects

After one hour of negotiations, crisis intervention team talks mouse down from clock

News flash! Little boys made from snakes and snails, generally “icky,” conclude little girl scientists

Princess unable to sleep because of pea in mattress; dismissed as “high maintenance wench” by local handsome prince

Emperor picked up on indecency charges

Christmas pies recalled amidst plum scare

Group bathing an excellent way to conserve water, claims local butcher, baker, and candlestick maker

Rapunzel to sign endorsement deal with Vidal Saloon hair products

Do polygamist communities exist at St. Ives?  We investigate

“The Jack Sprat Diet” tops bestsellers list

Tom Thumb in fight for life after being trapped in glove

Birds of a feather not flocking together; scientists baffled

Chicken Little forecast: sky to fall tomorrow — again

Humpty Dumpty dead at age 44; all local walls required to have new “Not Safe for Eggs” warning signs

Old lady swallows fly; develops staphylococcus infection

Sleeping Beauty shocker: “I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome”

Lack of nimbleness cited in candlestick mishap

Local dish runs away with spoon; Mrs. Dish reportedly devastated

Report: Little Piggy eats roast beef; cow retaliates by eating bacon

Government cracks down on gingerbread houses, citing obesity risk to small children

Little Boy Blue fired for sleeping on the job

Local wolf tells all in interview: “I’m not really that big or bad.  I just want to be loved”

Spider apologizes to Little Miss Muffet for emotional damage

Named in harassment suit, Georgie Porgie admits he kissed all the girls, but denies he made them cry, saying girls were “totally into it”

Farmer’s wife arrested for assault and battery; blind rodents nationwide cheer the verdict

Snow White picked to live in a house with seven dwarves in new reality television series

London Bridge unsafe, king finally admits

Local daredevil hunter catches a tiger by the toe!

Today’s lunch special at Mary’s Diner: A little lamb,  just $5.99

Pinocchio dumped by girlfriend!  “He gave me splinters!” she reveals in interview

Yankee Doodle’s Macaroni Shack closes after Feather Alfredo dish proves enormously unpopular

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty to sue Prince Charming for bigamy; no comment from Snow White

Animal control called in to rescue French hens, turtle doves, and partridges in elaborate Christmas gift gone awry

Jack Sprat and wife banned from all-you-can-eat buffet

Old woman can’t sell shoe – is housing boom over?

Happy Festivus!  Before we get to the feats of strength, I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it.  Let’s go around the table:

Racism, just knock it off.  You’re an ignorant bigoted jackass.

Emma Stone, you need to write back to my fan mail letters, Miss I’m-Too-Famous-To-Write.

Ebola, get off my planet, you goddamn parasite.

ISIS, pull your panties out of your buttcrack and leave people alone.

Matthew McConaughey, you’re okay.  Keep on keepin’ on, my man.

Anna Kendrick, you also need to write back to me, you beautiful heartless wench.

Jay Cutler, get your shit together, you overpriced has-been.

Rioters, quit trying to set fire to my Festivus pole and sit your stupid misguided-anger asses down.

Missing Malaysian plane, stop being a coward and show yourself.

Bill Cosby, keep it in your pants, you drink-drugging sociopath.

North Korea, quit messing with our film release timeline and get a sense of humor.

Suicide bombers, you suck.  Go jump off a cliff or something. There are no virgins waiting for you.

Gas prices, you’re cool…for now.

Angry homophobes, go sit in the corner and contemplate why gay sex is on your mind so much it enrages you.

Hollywood, make something good once a month or so, you talentless money-grubbing hacks.

Crazed mass-murdering gunmen, pop a Xanax and binge-watch Downton Abbey instead, you delusional idiots.

Government, you’re a mess.  Go sit by Jay Cutler and discuss how you’re both going to get your shit together.

Okay! Now who wants to lose to me in a wrestling match?

Who’s your best friend?

I think most people could answer that pretty quickly. But, in all honesty, I couldn’t.

There have been many people in my life with whom I’ve had some kind of connection. I’ve never really considered anyone an enemy, and I suppose most of the people I’ve met have turned out to be mainly acquaintances.

But there are several folks with whom I really enjoy hanging out, conversing, laughing, and (almost certainly) drinking.

So I thought about it, and if someone asked me, “Who’s your best friend?” I’d answer, “I really don’t know.”

Then this dude whips out a pistol, cocks it, and shoves it against my temple. “Now, you son of a bitch,” he hisses, “I’m gonna ask you one more time.  Who’s your best friend?  You got to three. One…”

“Ummm…”

“Two…”

“Okay. I have male friends. They all have positive qualities that I admire, but I wouldn’t say any of them are any better than any other. They’re just good people for different reasons.  Same goes for my female friends. So if you could take each and every quality that I admire from the males, and do some kind of sci-fi thing where you combine them into one man, and do the same thing with the females, and have those two mate, their baby would be my best friend.”

The dude would relax and pull the gun away. A profound look would cross his face, and he’d say, “That’s beautiful, man.”

Then he’d leave, weeping and forever changed.

I’m in a weird mood.  One of those moods where I feel inclined to give a personal analysis of the alcohol mentioned in AC/DC’s 1980 song “Have a Drink on Me” (from the fifth-best-selling album ever, “Back in Black”).

Whisky, gin, and brandy

With a glass I’m pretty handy

Whisky:  As Jules Winnfield in “Pulp Fiction” might say, “the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast.” It’s my favorite hard liquor, probably because I’ve developed a taste for it and it’s a really good mixer.  I’m a broke bastard, and I’ve found that Seagram’s 7 is both cheap and tasty.  Stir a dose in with some Coke or 7-Up and I’m in heaven.

Gin:  Gag me with a spoon.  I think I first tried this in college and almost puked.  I’ve since been bought a few gin and tonics over the years, and have politely drunk them while choking back tears of misery.  Who came up with flavoring perfectly good booze with juniper berries?  Were they drunk?  It smells like Pine-Sol.

Brandy:  Can honestly say I haven’t tried much brandy in my lifetime, but can’t say I hate it.  Still, she’s a fine girl.  What a good wife she would be.

I’m tryin’ to walk a straight line

On sour mash and cheap wine

Sour Mash:  A distilling process that’s usually thought of in the making of whisky; Jim Beam is probably the most popular.  I was on a JB kick for a while until I discovered (the much cheaper) Seagram’s.

Cheap wine:  Ah yeah. You can get a big jug or a box for, what, $10?  I like the wine “buzz,” you just feel sort of lightheaded and happy and carefree.  Unfortunately, it’s got loads of carbs (not good for a diabetic).

I’m dizzy, drunk and fightin’

On tequila, white lightnin’

Tequila:  My favorite drink from south of the border.  I like a shot here and there, and tequila sunrises are tasty.  I visited Tijuana many years ago and got a couple of fifths for about $2 each.  Rotgut, to be sure, but I still ate the worms.

White Lightning:  Moonshine.  Super-high alcohol content.  Brewed in the hills of the southern U.S. by barefoot hillbillies who rig their stills with deadly booby-traps.  Only tried this once or twice, but it’ll knock you on your ass.

My glass is getting shorter

On some whisky, ice, and water

Whisky (again):   Could someone refill my glass?  Pretty please?

IN CONCLUSION:

Forget about the check

We’ll get hell to pay

By all family accounts, I’m ¼ English (and ¾ German —  Jawohl!). I love British words and phrases.  Here are some of my favorites. And just think, if we’d lost the Revolutionary War, we’d all be saying these too.

Wanker: a jerk

Bullocks: bullshit (technically, testicles)

Fag: a cigarette

Pub: a bar

Boozer: a pub

Chips: French fries

Snog: make out, kiss

Pissed: drunk

Bob’s Your Uncle: and there you have it!

Take a piss: to make fun of

Gobsmacked: amazed

Knackered: exhausted

Nick: to steal

Snookered: completely screwed

Pull the other one, it’s got bells on: you’re lying

Git: a jerk

Lorry: a truck

Lift: an elevator

Piss off: fuck off

Chuffed as Nuts: very pleased

Redundancy: to get fired or laid off

Ring: call on the phone

Mobile: a cell phone

Sack: to fire or lay off

Completely Mental: crazy

Rubbish: trash

Shag: fornicate

Rumpy Pumpy: sexual intercourse

How’s Your Father: sexual intercourse

Fancy: to like or desire

Smashing: excellent

Noddy Blinkers: sleep

Tosser: a jerk

Pavement Pizza: vomit

Poofter: a homosexual

Slap and Tickle: make out, kiss

Throw a Spanner in the Works: fuck something up

It’s Monkeys Outside: it’s very cold outside

Strawberry Creams: boobs

Back when I was doing stand-up, sometimes I’d write a joke I thought was great.  I’d try it in front of an audience – nothing.  I’d try it at another show – nothing.  I’d tweak it – barely anything.  Eventually I had to admit that I found it funny, but nobody else did, and I’d drop it.  I’d get a little down about it, but then I’d think, “even Babe Ruth struck out a lot.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: You can’t hit it out of the park every time.

—–

Used a manufacturer’s coupon for a free box of pasta.  The store charged me tax for using the coupon.

Taxed on free stuff…kind of ironic in a country founded on not wanting to pay taxes.

—–

Ever think about how you’re a charismatic German frustrated artist who’s good with crowds?  Yeah, me neither.

 —–

If you don’t love yourself, respect yourself, and have faith in yourself, you’re pretty much fucked.  Get it together.

—–

Ever wonder if your pet thinks you’re a complete idiot and is only nice to you out of sympathy?

—–

In grade school, I loved to write and illustrate books.  They were short and simple, but it was great fun. But I recently thought about it, and I only wrote three genres of books.  There were joke books, with a riddle on the right page and the punchline on the next left page; monster books, where I could draw cools monsters terrorizing people; and war books, with lots of tanks and planes dropping bombs.  Now, monsters and war stuff is okay, but I still really enjoy the jokes.

—–

Great lyrics from one of the best live bands I’ve ever seen:

I went to Pauline’s Café in Birmingham

Jack said he’d be with me in a minute

I asked for a glass of water

He said, “what for? You wanna put some LSD in it?

“There’s already speed and marijuana in the hash browns

“Pauline always gets a kick outta that crap

“And that kind of service brings the customers back”

— Young Fresh Fellows, Searchin’ USA

—–

I’d like to try this line on a cute female bartender:

Me:  I’ll have a seven and seven.  Light on the seven.

Her:  Which seven?

Me:  Surprise me, sweetcheeks.  (Wink, lean back on bar, adopt Clint Eastwood attitude, chew angrily on toothpick)

—–

In junior high, I was a big Cars fan, and my friend was a big Cheap Trick fan. One day we were in a friendly argument and I sang, “my best friend’s girlfriend…”  He retorted with, “mommy’s all right, daddy’s all right…”  I said, “That’s Cheap Trick?” From that point on I liked Cheap Trick better.  Knowledge is power (and power chords).

—–

The lowest-paying professional job I ever had was as a newspaper editor for a small weekly rag.  It was also the only job where I had my own office.  It was a pretty cool office, too, with a big window overlooking Main Street.  Ever since, I’ve made much better money but have been stuck in cubicles.  Go figure.

—–

You can do a little to change how you are on the outside, but you can do a lot to change how you are on the inside.