Back when I was doing stand-up, sometimes I’d write a joke I thought was great.  I’d try it in front of an audience – nothing.  I’d try it at another show – nothing.  I’d tweak it – barely anything.  Eventually I had to admit that I found it funny, but nobody else did, and I’d drop it.  I’d get a little down about it, but then I’d think, “even Babe Ruth struck out a lot.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: You can’t hit it out of the park every time.

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Used a manufacturer’s coupon for a free box of pasta.  The store charged me tax for using the coupon.

Taxed on free stuff…kind of ironic in a country founded on not wanting to pay taxes.

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Ever think about how you’re a charismatic German frustrated artist who’s good with crowds?  Yeah, me neither.

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If you don’t love yourself, respect yourself, and have faith in yourself, you’re pretty much fucked.  Get it together.

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Ever wonder if your pet thinks you’re a complete idiot and is only nice to you out of sympathy?

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In grade school, I loved to write and illustrate books.  They were short and simple, but it was great fun. But I recently thought about it, and I only wrote three genres of books.  There were joke books, with a riddle on the right page and the punchline on the next left page; monster books, where I could draw cools monsters terrorizing people; and war books, with lots of tanks and planes dropping bombs.  Now, monsters and war stuff is okay, but I still really enjoy the jokes.

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Great lyrics from one of the best live bands I’ve ever seen:

 

I went to Pauline’s Café in Birmingham

Jack said he’d be with me in a minute

I asked for a glass of water

He said, “what for? You wanna put some LSD in it?

“There’s already speed and marijuana in the hash browns

“Pauline always gets a kick outta that crap

“And that kind of service brings the customers back”

 

— Young Fresh Fellows, Searchin’ USA

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I’d like to try this line on a cute female bartender:

 

Me:  I’ll have a seven and seven.  Light on the seven.

Her:  Which seven?

Me:  Surprise me, sweetcheeks.  (Wink, lean back on bar, adopt Clint Eastwood attitude, chew angrily on toothpick)

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In junior high, I was a big Cars fan, and my friend was a big Cheap Trick fan. One day we were in a friendly argument and I sang, “my best friend’s girlfriend…”  He retorted with, “mommy’s all right, daddy’s all right…”  I said, “That’s Cheap Trick?” From that point on I liked Cheap Trick better.  Knowledge is power (and power chords).

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The lowest-paying professional job I ever had was as a newspaper editor for a small weekly rag.  It was also the only job where I had my own office.  It was a pretty cool office, too, with a big window overlooking Main Street.  Ever since, I’ve made much better money but have been stuck in cubicles.  Go figure.

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You can do a little to change how you are on the outside, but you can do a lot to change how you are on the inside.