Back when I was doing stand-up, sometimes I’d write a joke I thought was great.  I’d try it in front of an audience – nothing.  I’d try it at another show – nothing.  I’d tweak it – barely anything.  Eventually I had to admit that I found it funny, but nobody else did, and I’d drop it.  I’d get a little down about it, but then I’d think, “even Babe Ruth struck out a lot.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: You can’t hit it out of the park every time.


Used a manufacturer’s coupon for a free box of pasta.  The store charged me tax for using the coupon.

Taxed on free stuff…kind of ironic in a country founded on not wanting to pay taxes.


Ever think about how you’re a charismatic German frustrated artist who’s good with crowds?  Yeah, me neither.


If you don’t love yourself, respect yourself, and have faith in yourself, you’re pretty much fucked.  Get it together.


Ever wonder if your pet thinks you’re a complete idiot and is only nice to you out of sympathy?


In grade school, I loved to write and illustrate books.  They were short and simple, but it was great fun. But I recently thought about it, and I only wrote three genres of books.  There were joke books, with a riddle on the right page and the punchline on the next left page; monster books, where I could draw cools monsters terrorizing people; and war books, with lots of tanks and planes dropping bombs.  Now, monsters and war stuff is okay, but I still really enjoy the jokes.


Great lyrics from one of the best live bands I’ve ever seen:


I went to Pauline’s Café in Birmingham

Jack said he’d be with me in a minute

I asked for a glass of water

He said, “what for? You wanna put some LSD in it?

“There’s already speed and marijuana in the hash browns

“Pauline always gets a kick outta that crap

“And that kind of service brings the customers back”


— Young Fresh Fellows, Searchin’ USA


I’d like to try this line on a cute female bartender:


Me:  I’ll have a seven and seven.  Light on the seven.

Her:  Which seven?

Me:  Surprise me, sweetcheeks.  (Wink, lean back on bar, adopt Clint Eastwood attitude, chew angrily on toothpick)


In junior high, I was a big Cars fan, and my friend was a big Cheap Trick fan. One day we were in a friendly argument and I sang, “my best friend’s girlfriend…”  He retorted with, “mommy’s all right, daddy’s all right…”  I said, “That’s Cheap Trick?” From that point on I liked Cheap Trick better.  Knowledge is power (and power chords).


The lowest-paying professional job I ever had was as a newspaper editor for a small weekly rag.  It was also the only job where I had my own office.  It was a pretty cool office, too, with a big window overlooking Main Street.  Ever since, I’ve made much better money but have been stuck in cubicles.  Go figure.


You can do a little to change how you are on the outside, but you can do a lot to change how you are on the inside.