Working title:  Bloody Bloodbath of Blood

Tagline: “When blood is outlawed, only outlaws will have blood.”

Preferred director: James Cameron, Roland Emmerich, or Michael Bay; whoever’s most expensive

Preferred cast:  Gary Sinise, Roseanna Arquette, Zooey Deschanel, Rutger Hauer, Mary-Kate Olsen, Jim Parsons, Paul Rudd, the gal who plays Sally Draper on Mad Men

Special effects/fake blood budget: Several billion dollars

Total budget: You don’t wanna know, it’s absurd


We open in a dark rainy graveyard.  A shadowy figure is kneeling by a gravesite.  Suddenly, he’s gunned down my unseen shooters.  Watery blood runs over the grave.

Cut to: The Pyramids.  Tourists are snapping photos.  One tourist wanders away from the crowd.  Suddenly, he’s gunned down by unseen shooters.  Blood runs into the sand.

Cut to: The moon.  An astronaut is gathering rock samples. Suddenly, he’s gunned down my unseen shooters.  Blood floats into space.

Fade in: Los Angeles Police Dept.  The Captain and The Lieutenant are trying to solve the shootings.  They call each other assholes quite a bit, and one guy smashes a coffee mug, then they decide they need the help of outside services.

They show up at the lair of a little-known hero and sometimes-when-it’s-profitable villain known as “Plutonium Phil.”  Phil is convinced the shootings are the work of his nemesis and even-lesser-known hero/villain, “Dickhead.” (Dickhead is female.)  He vows revenge for the shootings.

Enough setup.  For the next two hours, it’s non-stop car chases and explosions and gunfights and swordfights and ninja fights and explosions and even bigger explosions.  Body parts and entrails will be everywhere.  Dialogue and plot advancement will be minimal; emphasis will be on sheer mayhem.

Then angry extraterrestrials and even angrier giant robots show up out of nowhere, and the shit REALLY hits the fan.  CGI expenses from this point on should be budgeted at $2 million per frame.

The climax: Dickhead and Phil fight to the death while the aliens and robots battle all around them.  Phil pulls a chunk of plutonium out of his tattered shirt and shoves it in Dickhead’s mouth.  Her last mumbled (and subtitled) words are, “Thanks, Obama.”

Happy ending: the LAPD Captain and Lieutenant get married.


Recurring catch phrase: “You fuck a pumpkin, you’re gonna get seeds on your dick.” (I can envision it on T-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere.)