A female LIBRARIAN is behind the facility’s check-out desk. A male PATRON approaches.


PATRON: Excuse me, do you have the new book “Cruising the Interstates,” by Alan Pines?

LIBRARIAN: Let me see. (She checks her computer) Why yes, we have one copy.

PATRON: Great! Where do I find it?

LIBRARIAN: I’m sorry, it’s checked out.

PATRON: For how long?

LIBRARIAN: (Checks computer) The waitlist is two years.

PATRON: Two years?!

LIBRARIAN: (Checks again).  Ha ha!  No, it’s two months.

PATRON: Still, that’s a pretty long wait…

LIBRARIAN: (Checks again) I’m sorry, I was right the first time.  Two years.

PATRON: (Sighs) Are there any other libraries or branches close by that might have it available?

LIBRARIAN: (Checks computer) Absolutely not.

PATRON: None at all?

LIBRARIAN: You’d have a better chance of surviving a nuclear bomb dropped on your head than finding that book to borrow.

PATRON: (Prepares to leave) Geez, who’d have thought finding the new Alan Pines book would be so difficult?

LIBRARIAN: Excuse me, which author did you say?

PATRON: Alan Pines.

LIBRARIAN: I’m sorry, I thought you said Kurt Vonnegut. (Checks computer) We have an Alan Pines book, but it’s “Fluffy Kitty and the Magical Mouse.”

PATRON: But “Cruising the Interstates” is his first and only book.

LIBRARIAN: Sorry, I was looking at the wrong monitor. Yes, we have that book.

PATRON: Great! But…you only have one monitor.

LIBRARIAN: Do you want the book or not?

PATRON: Yes! Where do I find it?

LIBRARIAN: (Checks computer) I’m sorry, the waitlist is two years.

PATRON: This is ridiculous. I didn’t want to spend the money on a new hardback, but I’m just going to go to the bookstore and get it.  Thanks for wasting my time.


(ROCCO, a beefy library security guard, enters immediately.)

ROCCO: Is there a problem, ma’am?

PATRON: No, no problem.

ROCCO: I didn’t ask you.

LIBRARIAN: Rocco, this man is unruly, disrespectful, and probably mentally unstable.  He keeps going on about cruising highways and pine cones.

PATRON: Look, I’m leaving.

(ROCCO dramatically whips out a pistol and points it at PATRON.)

ROCCO: I best be seein’ your backside real soon, son, or it’s gonna get messy.

PATRON: Jesus, you people are nuts! (He hurriedly exits)

ROCCO: Sorry for the trouble, ma’am.

LIBRARIAN: Some people are just animals.

(ROCCO exits.  PATRON #2 enters)

PATRON #2: Do you have “Cruising the Interstates” by Alan Pines?

LIBRARIAN: (Checks computer) Why, it was just returned. (She grabs the book at the desk) Let’s check you out.