I’m in a weird mood.  One of those moods where I feel inclined to give a personal analysis of the alcohol mentioned in AC/DC’s 1980 song “Have a Drink on Me” (from the fifth-best-selling album ever, “Back in Black”).

 

Whisky, gin, and brandy

With a glass I’m pretty handy

 

Whisky:  As Jules Winnfield in “Pulp Fiction” might say, “the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast.” It’s my favorite hard liquor, probably because I’ve developed a taste for it and it’s a really good mixer.  I’m a broke bastard, and I’ve found that Seagram’s 7 is both cheap and tasty.  Stir a dose in with some Coke or 7-Up and I’m in heaven.

Gin:  Gag me with a spoon.  I think I first tried this in college and almost puked.  I’ve since been bought a few gin and tonics over the years, and have politely drunk them while choking back tears of misery.  Who came up with flavoring perfectly good booze with juniper berries?  Were they drunk?  It smells like Pine-Sol.

Brandy:  Can honestly say I haven’t tried much brandy in my lifetime, but can’t say I hate it.  Still, she’s a fine girl.  What a good wife she would be.

 

I’m tryin’ to walk a straight line

On sour mash and cheap wine

 

Sour Mash:  A distilling process that’s usually thought of in the making of whisky; Jim Beam is probably the most popular.  I was on a JB kick for a while until I discovered (the much cheaper) Seagram’s.

Cheap wine:  Ah yeah. You can get a big jug or a box for, what, $10?  I like the wine “buzz,” you just feel sort of lightheaded and happy and carefree.  Unfortunately, it’s got loads of carbs (not good for a diabetic).

 

I’m dizzy, drunk and fightin’

On tequila, white lightnin’

 

Tequila:  My favorite drink from south of the border.  I like a shot here and there, and tequila sunrises are tasty.  I visited Tijuana many years ago and got a couple of fifths for about $2 each.  Rotgut, to be sure, but I still ate the worms.

White Lightning:  Moonshine.  Super-high alcohol content.  Brewed in the hills of the southern U.S. by barefoot hillbillies who rig their stills with deadly booby-traps.  Only tried this once or twice, but it’ll knock you on your ass.

 

My glass is getting shorter

On some whisky, ice, and water

 

Whisky (again):   Could someone refill my glass?  Pretty please?

 

IN CONCLUSION:

 

Forget about the check

We’ll get hell to pay