My Totally Bitchin’ Movie Idea

October 2, 2014 //

Working title: Bloody Bloodbath of Blood

Tagline: “When blood is outlawed, only outlaws will have blood.”

Preferred director: James Cameron, Roland Emmerich, or Michael Bay; whoever’s most expensive

Preferred cast: Gary Sinise, Roseanna Arquette, Zooey Deschanel, Rutger Hauer, Mary-Kate Olsen, Jim Parsons, Paul Rudd, the gal who plays Sally Draper on Mad Men

Special effects/fake blood budget: Several billion dollars

Total budget: You don’t wanna know, it’s absurd

We open in a dark rainy graveyard. A shadowy figure is kneeling by a gravesite. Suddenly, he’s gunned down my unseen shooters. Watery blood runs over the grave.

Cut to: The Pyramids. Tourists are snapping photos. One tourist wanders away from the crowd. Suddenly, he’s gunned down by unseen shooters. Blood runs into the sand.

Cut to: The moon. An astronaut is gathering rock samples. Suddenly, he’s gunned down my unseen shooters. Blood floats into space.

Fade in: Los Angeles Police Dept. The Captain and The Lieutenant are trying to solve the shootings. They call each other assholes quite a bit, and one guy smashes a coffee mug, then they decide they need the help of outside services.

They show up at the lair of a little-known hero and sometimes-when-it’s-profitable villain known as “Plutonium Phil.” Phil is convinced the shootings are the work of his nemesis and even-lesser-known hero/villain, “Dickhead.” (Dickhead is female.) He vows revenge for the shootings.

Enough setup. For the next two hours, it’s non-stop car chases and explosions and gunfights and swordfights and ninja fights and explosions and even bigger explosions. Body parts and entrails will be everywhere. Dialogue and plot advancement will be minimal; emphasis will be on sheer mayhem.

Then angry extraterrestrials and even angrier giant robots show up out of nowhere, and the shit REALLY hits the fan. CGI expenses from this point on should be budgeted at $2 million per frame.

The climax: Dickhead and Phil fight to the death while the aliens and robots battle all around them. Phil pulls a chunk of plutonium out of his tattered shirt and shoves it in Dickhead’s mouth. Her last mumbled (and subtitled) words are, “Thanks, Obama.”

Happy ending: the LAPD Captain and Lieutenant get married.

Recurring catch phrase: “You fuck a pumpkin, you’re gonna get seeds on your dick.” (I can envision it on T-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere.)

Categories humorous

Remains of the Webel

September 26, 2014 //

When my time finally comes (hopefully sometime before 2061, because that’s when I predict the zombie apocalypse will occur), here are the options I want carried out for my lifeless husk. Just pick whatever’s most convenient or practical at the time. I’d specify details in a will, but wills are for saps and suckers.

Donate me to science

Surely there’s some sort of value in this carcass from which the sciency guys could benefit. I mean, I have a 522 I.Q. and an even higher cholesterol level. Maybe I could even get a dead-guy guest spot on “The Big Bang Theory” (which, as we all know, will likely run at least another 50 years).

Bury me in the center of the Earth

Get out your shovels, folks! I want be way, way, way down there. I mean thousands upon thousands of miles down. Put me with the creepy troglodytes and slithering eyeless things. As far as a casket, a rusty discarded refrigerator from the 1950s will do. Just stuff me in there all willy-nilly.

Cremate me

Burn, baby, burn. And I’m going to be one of those pains in the ass who wants my ashes spread in a really specific manner. I want a paraglider to spread me over the Alps in Bavaria. But he/she has to be wearing a Mila Kunis mask while listening to the Ramones and eating deep-dish pizza. And if you just scatter me in your backyard instead, I will come back and haunt the living shit out of you.

Toss me off a cliff into a body of water

Ah, food for the fishies and sharks. Plus, if a fisherman finds me and reports me, it’d be amusing to say, “yeah, we threw him there. It was at his request. Yeah, we know it’s stupid. Just carry on, piscator.”

Throw me into the woods

More food for wildlife. I’ll be perfectly content looking down from above (hopefully, it’ll be above) and seeing the wolves rip me to shreds. Or squirrels or ferrets. Or field mice. Or butterflies.

Freeze me

If it’s good enough for Walt Disney, it’s good enough for me. Maybe I can be unfrozen hundreds of years later and freak out at a post-apocalyptic dystopian world. That’d be cool.

Shoot me into space

Maybe I would land on the moon; I always thought the moon is pretty. Or I could come back to life via some science-fiction ploy like in “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.”

Put my head in a jar of liquid like on “Futurama”

Now how cool would that be? With any luck, I could hang out with the Planet Express crew and smoke cigars and chase women with Bender.

Mummify me

Then I could live out my dream of being Boris Karloff and coming back to life and terrorizing everybody. None of that modern Brendan Fraser shit, though. And throw lots of spices and perfume in there. Nobody likes a stinky mummy.

Plasticize me

I could see being in a museum with lots of slack-jawed yokels staring at me, a sliced-in-half dude, posed in an “I’m about to serve a tennis ball” stance. The tour guide could say, “here’s a perfect example of a human who had no regard for his body whatsoever. Beware.”

Freeze-dry me

But add some flavor to me, like French vanilla or hazelnut, so folks could enjoy me as a coffee. “This mocha-flavored Webel really hits the spot on this cold winter morn.”

Eat me

No, really. If there’s a massive food shortage, just eat the hell out of me. Groceries will probably be extra-expensive. All I ask is that you eat my buttocks last. I want my ass to be the final thing this world sees.

Categories humorous

Y’all Got Issues II

September 25, 2014 //

More from OKCupid’s “Y’all Got Issues” section, in which answers to questions are compared.

P.S. On that last one, I do a pretty good Flipper impression.

What is the most exciting thing about getting to know someone new?

Her: Discovering their body

Me: Discovering your shared interests

Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)?

Her: Yes, no matter what

Me: No, it’s not necessary

Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background?

Her: Yes

Me: No

Do you Google someone before a first date?

Her: Yes. Knowledge is power!

Me: No. Why spoil the mystery?

If you were to die, would whoever goes through your personal belongings be shocked by what they find?

Her: No.

Me: Maybe a little bit.

Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Which of these options most closely describes what you’re looking for in your next relationship?

Her: Someone to come home to

Me: Someone to go out with

Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?

Her: No

Me: Yes

If you had to name your greatest motivation in life thus far, what would it be?

Her: Wealth

Me: Expression

Could you date someone who was really quiet?

Her: Yes

Me: No

What is next in this series? 1, 4, 10, 19, 31, _

Her: Don’t know / don’t care

Me: 46

How do you feel about falling in love?

Her: I love it and want it very much

Me: like to just let it happen

Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Upon first meeting, would you be most attracted to a person who:

Her: Exudes overt sexuality

Me: Is witty and charming

Do you enjoy playing board games?

Her: Nope – Won’t play them

Me: Yes – A lot

Do you think it is possible for someone to be an Atheist and still have a solid moral framework by which to live?

Her: No.

Me: Yes.

If you meet someone and they are everything you are looking for, except their body type, do you give them a chance?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Would you prefer that your partner be universally attractive (meaning that many people found them attractive) or uniquely attractive (meaning that they fit YOUR standards, but not necessarily anyone else’s)?

Her: Universally Attractive.

Me: Uniquely Attractive.

Is VERY short hair on a girl necessarily unattractive?

Her: Yes

Me: No

Which, on you, is closest to perfection?

Her: My body

Me: My mind

Do superficial people, who place a high emphasis on physical appearance, annoy you?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Would you prefer to be a financial success or to remain true to your principles?

Her: Financial success, please.

Me: I’ll stick with my principles, thanks.

How important is it that your partner be willing and able to participate in meaningful philosophical conversations?

Her: Not at all important.

Me: Extremely important.

Do you believe that money can buy happiness?

Her: Yes.

Me: No.

Men who wax their chests are…

Her: SEXY!

Me: I don’t care.

Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other?

Her: Yes

Me: No

Do you like to argue?

Her: Yes

Me: No

What’s worse on a first date?

Her: No physical attraction

Me: Nothing to talk about

Have you ever taken a break while at work to “play” with yourself ?

Her: Yes

Me: No

Do you spend more money on clothes or food?

Her: Clothes

Me: Food

In the line “Wherefore art thou Romeo?,” what does “wherefore” mean?

Her: Who cares / wtf?

Me: Where

Which word describes you better?

Her: Intense

Me: Carefree

Do spelling mistakes annoy you?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Which superpower would you rather have?

Her: Invisibility

Me: Flight

Are you quick to trust until proven wrong or more slow to trust until worth is proven?

Her: Slow to trust, until worth is proven.

Me: Quick to trust, until proven wrong.

Do you often find yourself worrying about things that you have no control over?

Her: Yes

Me: No

Is art important to you?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Would you consider having sex in a graveyard?

Her: No.

Me: Yes, but only with the living.

While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?

Her: No way.

Me: The best? Maybe…

Categories Dating, humorous

My Top Ten Sketch Comedy Shows

September 3, 2014 //

I’ve loved sketch comedy ever since I first saw Monty Python and Benny Hill when I was quite young. I enjoy good comedy in all forms, but I especially like short-burst self-contained scenarios. Here are my top ten favorite TV shows. (Note: a few are technically “variety” shows, but feature sketches.)

10. Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim)

Quite bizarre, very original, and not for everyone. They got a few pretty famous comedic actors to do cameos.

FAVORITE SKETCH: Anything with Dr. Steve Brule (John C. Reilly).

9. Chappelle’s Show (Dave Chappelle)

I think his stand-up’s fantastic, and the show is a little sub-par compared to that, but it’s still very funny.

FAVORITE SKETCH: I’d be a commie bastard if I didn’t say the Rick James sketch or the Wayne Brady sketch.

8. Portlandia (Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein)

This is one of those shows that I tried to watch when it first came on, and I thought, “I appreciate what they’re trying to do, but it’s just not for me.” I gave it another chance, and I’m glad I did.

FAVORITE SKETCH: I like the two giggly caffeinated Japanese girls, and the one where Fred and Carrie are trying to make a video of how to set up a tent.

7. That Mitchell and Webb Look (David Mitchell and Robert Webb)

Just discovered this recently because I started watching (and laughing a lot at) the Britcom “Peep Show,” which also stars Mitchell and Webb. They’re two talented comedic actors and have some very amusing recurring characters.

FAVORITE SKETCH: All of the episodes of The Secret Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

6. The Benny Hill Show (Benny Hill)

Great early British comedy. He was a genius at clever wordplay and double entendres…and obviously had an affinity for buxom women.

FAVORITE SKETCH: Really, any of the speeded-up filmed segments with no dialogue. Continuously patting the little old bald man’s head? Comedy gold.

5. The Carol Burnett Show (Carol Burnett, Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, Tom Conway, and Lyle Waggoner)

This was one my dad’s and my favorite shows in the 70s. It was very popular, and for good reason. You knew you were going to laugh any night it was on.

FAVORITE SKETCH: I love Carol, and I always looked forward to sketches with Korman and Conway, but there’s a sketch with guest John Byner, who is playing Euell Gibbons, a natural-diet enthusiast. Euell is talking about how you should eat natural things, and he wanders over to a picnic table with a box of cereal on it (he also hawked Grape Nuts). He grabs a chunk of the picnic table, rips off a big piece, and starts eating it.

I was a ten-year-old, crying and gasping for breath, trying not to pee his pants.

4. The Kids in the Hall (Dave Foley, Mark McKinney, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, and Scott Thompson)

Just pretty brilliant all around, with a very talented young cast. I’m glad Lorne Michaels took an interest and produced the show.

FAVORITE SKETCH: The song “These Are the Daves I Know,” and the inept couple trying to escape very slow zombies.

3. SCTV (John Candy, Eugene Levy, Joe Flaherty, Andrea Martin, Rick Moranis, Catherine O’Hara, Dave Thomas, and Martin Short)

This is one of those 80’s shows that I always watched and always laughed at. I love the premise (a cut-rate TV station working through politics and programming issues) and it has a great cast.

FAVORITE SKETCH: Anything with Johnny LaRue (John Candy). Also really like Five Neat Guys.

2. Monty Python’s Flying Circus (John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam)

Is it too dramatic to say this show changed my young life? PBS would show reruns at 10:00 on Sundays, and I always got to stay up to watch it. I was so obsessed as a kid that I’d jot notes on my palm so I could remember what funny stuff to discuss with my friends at school the next day. Monty Python and Steve Martin taught me it was okay to be completely silly.

FAVORITE SKETCH: I think it’s called “Tennis, Anyone?” A posh garden party quickly turns into an hilarious gorefest.

1. Mr. Show with Bob and David (Bob Odenkirk and David Cross)

This mainly ousts Monty Python because it has some sentimental value. Oh, and it’s devastatingly funny. It ran from 1995 to 1998, and I was going through a rough period at the time. A friend’s roommate had the show taped, and I was invited over to watch. Talk about a drastic mood-changer. I laughed and laughed, and still do. I’ve owned all the DVDs for years, and I rarely buy TV-show DVDs.

FAVORITE SKETCH: “Titannica.” A metal band goes to a hospital to visit a young fan who’s attempted suicide after listening to one of their songs. I’ve watched this at least 50 times and I still laugh every time.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Saturday Night Live and In Living Color.

Categories humorous, Sketch comedy

Why Are There So Many Philadelphia Phils?

August 30, 2014 //

In the 2009 movie Big Fan, Patton Oswalt plays Paul, a huge New York Giants fan. Paul has a mundane job and lives in an apartment with his annoyed mother; his creative outlet is calling a local late-night radio sports talk program and enthusiastically going on about the Giants and how they’re going to kick ass in upcoming games.

But there’s another regular caller — Philadelphia Phil (Michael Rapaport). Phil’s an Eagles fan, and takes great delight in calling the New York-based show just to stir up trouble. He does nothing but bash the Giants and taunt their fans, which really agitates Paul.

Without giving too much of the movie away: Paul eventually tracks down Phil and confronts him in person. The scene ends with Phil terrified and Paul, in tears, saying, “why do you have to be so MEAN?”

I guess I’ve never understood the Phil types: those who feel the need to shit all over something they don’t like. They’ve always been around, but the vast wasteland of the Internet has made them much more noticeable.

YouTube is probably the most obvious site. Example: I like the female comedy/music duo Garfunkel and Oates (I admit I’m in love with Kate Micucci). But look at the comments on any of their videos. So much hate, and going by usernames, mostly from men. Why so threatened, fellas?

I can understand if you’re passionate about a political cause, or a medical cause, or something that may actually matter in the big scheme of things. A particular government ruling keeping you down as an individual? Sure, bash it. Local authorities kicking in your door for no reason, or polluting your water supply? Rail away. Can’t afford the medication you need because the pharmaceutical companies are reaming you? Have at it.

But entertainment or sports? Like what you like, gush about it all you want. But why go out of your way to harshly criticize a movie, TV show, recording artist, sports team, etc. just because it doesn’t meet your particular subjective standards? You just want negative attention. I mean, I’m not a Justin Bieber fan, but I wouldn’t go to a fan site and crap on him just to troll. That’s asinine.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don’t be a Philadelphia Phil. You just look bitter, jealous, and like you have way too much misguided-anger time on your hands.

Categories Uncategorized

My Favorite Song Lyrics

August 22, 2014 //

Ah yes, another favorites list…this one was hard to pin down, though. Still very incomplete, as there are thousands upon thousands in my head. And don’t hate me for including Journey.

As soon as you’re born, you start dying

So you might as well have a good time

Cake, Sheep Go to Heaven

It’s harder to be friends than lovers

And you shouldn’t try to mix the two

‘Cause if you do it and you’re still unhappy

Then you know that the problem is you

Liz Phair, Divorce Song

You bring the razor blade, I’ll bring the speed

Take off your coat, it’s gonna be a long night

Ween, It’s Gonna Be a Long Night

She told me to come, but I was already there

AC/DC, You Shook Me All Night Long

Go ahead, bite the Big Apple

Don’t mind the maggots

The Rolling Stones, Shattered

Put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me

You told them all I was crazy

They cut off my legs, now I’m an amputee, God damn you

Harvey Danger, Flagpole Sitta

I believe in this and it’s been tested by research

He who fucks nuns will later join the church

The Clash, Death or Glory

As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent

You asked for the latest party

David Bowie, Diamond Dogs

If I’m too rough, tell me

I’m so scared your little head will come off in my hands

Alice Cooper, Billion Dollar Babies

So you stay out all night gettin’ fucked up in that rock ‘n’ roll bar

And you never get tired, ‘cause your drugs are in a little jar

Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Opera Star

To get it on, I got to watch what I say

Or I’ll catch hell from women’s liberation

Aerosmith, Pandora’s Box

Don’t need no one’s opinion, don’t want no interruptions

Just shuts up long enough to reapply the suction

Stray Cats, Little Miss Prissy

White Americans, what? Nothing better to do?

Why don’t you kick yourself out? You’re an immigrant too

The White Stripes, Icky Thump

After ten long years they let him out of the home

Excitable boy, they all said

Then he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones

Warren Zevon, Excitable Boy

Special favors come in thirty-one flavors

We’re out of mints, pass the Life Savers

Violent Femmes, Prove My Love

We all defend the right, ya ya, children must unite

Your life is worth much more than gold

Bob Marley, Jammin’

Frank Zappa and the Mothers were at the best place around

But some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground

Deep Purple, Smoke on the Water

You know I’m going to lose, and gambling’s for fools

But that’s the way I like it, baby, I don’t wanna live forever

Motorhead, Ace of Spades

I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

And sinners are much more fun

Billy Joel, Only the Good Die Young

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer

You may be a lover, but you ain’t no dancer

The Beatles, Helter Skelter

They got diseases like you ain’t never seen

They got a mystery blowjob that’ll turn your peter green

Frank Zappa, In France

She left me roses by the stairs

Surprises let me know she cares

Blink 182, All the Small Things

We got into a car and away we started rollin’

I said “how much you pay for this?”

She said “nothing, man, it’s stolen”

Dead Milkmen, Punk Rock Girl

Somebody stuck their fingers in the president’s ears

And it wasn’t too much later they came out with Johnson’s Wax

They Might Be Giants, Purple Toupee

I was drunk the day my momma got out of prison

And I went to pick her up in the rain

But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck

She got runned over by a damned old train

David Allen Coe, You Never Even Call Me By My Name

You want it all, but you can’t have it

It’s in your face, but you can’t grab it

Faith No More, Epic

I got a stiff reputation with a stick like a rock

My kids are confused and my wife is in shock

Alice Cooper, Prettiest Cop on the Block

Just wrap your legs ‘round these velvet rims

And strap your hands ‘cross my engines

Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run

Though he was only five-foot-three, girls could not resist his stare

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole

Modern Lovers, Pablo Picasso

The chief of police kept the crime off the streets

But deep in his heart, we all knew he felt differently

We all knew he was an anarchist

Cracker, Movie Star

If it wasn’t for date rape, I’d never get laid

Sublime, Date Rape

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice

Rush, Freewill

Why don’t you all just f…ade away?

The Who, My Generation

She looks like the Sunday comics, she thinks she’s Brenda Starr

Her nose job is real atomic, all she needs is an old knife scar

Blondie, Rip Her to Shreds

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man

Though my mind could think, I still was a madman

Kansas, Carry On My Wayward Son

You treat me like a dirty clown

You’re always kickin’ my dog around

Oingo Boingo, Goodbye-Goodbye

And redneckers, they get us pissed

And stupid stuff, it makes us shout

Pixies, U-Mass

And the sign said, “the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls”

Simon & Garfunkel, The Sound of Silence

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand

Lord, don’t they help themselves

But when the taxman comes to the door

Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale

Creedence Clearwater Revival, Fortunate Son

With fingernails that shine like justice

And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

Cake, Short Skirt/Long Jacket

Freedom’s just another word for “nothing left to lose”

Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee

I like you so much better when you’re naked

I like me so much better when you’re naked

Ida Maria, I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked

Everything you’ve ever said is brilliant

Anything you wanna do is fine with me

Too Much Joy, Crush Story

The band is just fantastic, that is really what I think

Oh, by the way, which one’s Pink?

Pink Floyd, Have a Cigar

This trickle-down theory has left all these pockets empty

Uncle Tupelo, Postcard

I’m friends with the president, I’m friends with the pope

We’re all makin’ a fortune sellin’ daddy’s dope

The Ramones, We’re a Happy Family

Don’t ask me what I think of you

I might not give the answer that you want me to

Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

Reese Witherspoon, she’s the prom queen

Bill gates, captain of the chess team

Jack Black the clown, Brad Pitt the quarterback

I’ve seen it all before – I want my money back

Bowling For Soup, High School Never Ends

Growing up leads to growing old and then to dying

And dying to me don’t sound like all that much fun

John Cougar Mellencamp, Authority Song

When they kick in your front door, how you gonna come?

With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun?

The Clash, Guns of Brixton

She don’t spare the child, she don’t spoil the rod

She just gets rich ‘cause she works for God

Young Fresh Fellows, Amy Grant

It’s better to burn out than to fade away

Neil Young, My My, Hey Hey

She holds the shotgun while you do-se-do

She want one man made of Hercules and Cyrano

Spin Doctors, Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

If I lost my mind, would you help me find it?

Soul Asylum, Spinnin’

Pick up my guitar and play, just like yesterday

Then I’ll get on my knees and pray we don’t get fooled again

The Who, Won’t Get Fooled Again

Now I know I’m being used

That’s okay man, ‘cause I like the abuse

The Offspring, Self Esteem

Some will win, some will lose

Some are born to sing the blues

Journey, Don’t Stop Believin’

They screamed when the Beatles sang

And they laughed when the King fell down the stairs

Oh, they should’ve known better

The Police, Born in the 50’s

Singles remind me of kisses, albums remind me of plans

Squeeze, If I Didn’t Love You

One foot in the door, the other foot in the gutter

The Replacements, I Don’t Know

Bottom line’s been snorted, bottom card’s been dealt

Old 97’s, Champaign, Illinois

I try to rock her in my cradle, I try to knock her out

I try to cram her back in my mouth

Veruca Salt, Seether

I feel stupid and contagious

Here we are now, entertain us

Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit

Momma knows, but she don’t care, she’s got her worries too

Seven kids and a phony affair, and the rent is due

Ian Hunter, Cleveland Rocks

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run

There’s still time to change the road you’re on

Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven

This is what we’ve waited for

This is it, boys, this is war

Nina, 99 Red Balloons

You wanna party with the lights on

Come on, I like it dark

Sleater-Kinney, You’re No Rock ‘n’ Roll Fun

Called my mom from a pay phone, said “I’m down to my last”

She said “I put you through college, now go call your dad”

Cracker, Eurotrash Girl

I might like you better if we slept together

Romeo Void, Never Say Never

Hello, I’m sorry, I lost myself

I think I thought you were someone else

R.E.M., Pop Song 89

Fire all of your guns at once and explode into space

Steppenwolf, Born to Be Wild

Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines

Now your mother wants to know what all those stain on your jeans

Buzzcocks, Orgasm Addict

Performing on a stool, we’ve a sight to make you drool

Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool

Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Karn Evil 9

Seems like everybody’s shakin’ ‘cause the big one’s ‘bout to fall

I’m just tryin’ to hold it steady while I piss on the wall

The J. Geils Band, Piss on the Wall

You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t have a clue

If you did you’d find yourselves doin’ the same thing too

Judas Priest, Breaking the Law

I can take humiliation, and hurtful comments on the bus

I’m just praying by the weekend I can earn enough for us

XTC, Earn Enough for Us

Never fall in love ‘til you go through her purse

The Vandals, (But Then) She Spoke

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry

Black Sabbath, Paranoid

But if you’re troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt

Will make them pay for the things that they did

My Chemical Romance, Teenagers

Gimme a dollar, and I’ll buy you a beer

You ain’t bad-lookin’, and you smell good from here

New Duncan Imperials, Mystery Date

When you idle at the stoplight, better get the signal right

The Cars, Double Life

And I can’t decide which one I love the most

The flesh and blood or the pale, smiling ghost

Robyn Hitchcock, My Wife and My Dead Wife

And the waitress is practicing politics

As the businessman slowly gets stoned

And they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness

But it’s better than drinking alone

Billy Joel, Piano Man

Bits of me are scattered in the trees and in the hedges

Rockpile, Crawling from the Wreckage

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

So you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you

Nirvana, Territorial Pissings

When I woke up, mom and dad are rollin’ on the couch

Rollin’ numbers, rock and rollin,’ got my KISS records out

Cheap Trick, Surrender

Categories Music

Come On, Give a Lazy Bastard Some Credit

August 15, 2014 //

About a month ago, I came home to find a note taped to my apartment door. The city was coming in two days to inspect my unit to make sure everything was up to code.

I thought, “eh, everything’s cool. No sweat.”

Two days after the inspection, I came home to another note. My fire alarm was disconnected (I got tired of it going off every time I cooked something) and the batteries were not in my carbon monoxide detector (annoying beeping). Both of those are no-nos, so I reconnected and re-batteried.

But the kicker was the dig on my messy pad. To paraphrase, it was “unkempt and unsanitary, and in our assessment, the entire apartment needs cleaned. If you can’t clean it yourself, get someone else to clean it.” They were coming back in three weeks to verify compliance.

I knew the place was pretty bad, but I lived for years in the dirtiest frat house in history, so it didn’t seem THAT bad. I mean, it’s not like I had rats and cockroaches running around. Still, it was a kick in the pants.

So I vacuumed, mopped, scrubbed, dusted, wiped, polished, straightened up and tossed junk out for – no lie – about 10 hours. And I live in a not-real-big one-bedroom. The place was the cleanest it’s been in years (did I mention I REALLY hate cleaning?).

They came for the re-inspection last week. I was expecting a follow-up note saying “you’re satisfactory” or “Dude, you passed.” But no note. No “attaboy.” Nothing.

Since scrubbing the place down was such an effort for me, here’s the life-affirming note I would have liked to have gotten:

Dear Mr. Webel,

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for reconnecting your fire alarm, and putting the batteries back in your carbon monoxide detector. We feel at great ease knowing the safety of a truly great person such as yourself is secure. Really, we sleep much better at night now. Kiss kiss, hug hug.

And OMG is your unit clean. Seriously, it’s cleaner than a sedan that just came out of a Super-Duper-Deluxe Car Wash. It’s even cleaner than Jerry Seinfeld performing for a group of nuns. We inspect tons of places, and the sight of your impeccably-cleansed apartment nearly brought us to tears (full disclosure: inspector #32 did weep with joy). How in the world did you do it? You amaze all of us, you mighty stud.

Keep up the good work, you saint among men. Please find attached a coupon booklet that will save you approximately $2,000 on cleaning products and booze. We here at the City love you and wish you a joyful and prosperous life.

God Bless (you Adonis),

The City (text if you want to go out for a drink)

Categories Uncategorized

Don’t Drink and Be Unprepared for a Hot Babe

August 2, 2014 //

Many, many years ago, a friend told me a story of when we were both in high school (small town name, as well as actual people names, will be avoided/changed a la Dragnet to protect the embarrassed).

There was this drop-dead gorgeous girl in our school (let’s call her “Aphrodisia”). She had a huge rack and could’ve been a model. She dated a guy about five years older than the kids in our class, so she was rather off-limits. Not to mention completely out of everyone’s league.

Our school lockers were right next to each other, and the only interaction we’d have was between classes. She was always cheery and talkative, and after a brief locker chat, I’d always have to hold a book over my crotch and shuffle my way to class.

Anyway, this is the story: my friend (let’s call him “Dumbass”) was at home alone one weekend. His parents and brother were away somewhere for a few days.

Dumbass liked his beer, so he’d obtained a case for the weekend. He was busy that Saturday doing the weekend yard chores: mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges, etc. He’d been drinking steadily since that morning.

Late in the afternoon, lo and behold, Aphrodisia knocked on his door. I guess the boyfriend wasn’t a factor right then.

Dumbass was at least a half a case in and quite excited to see her, so she easily charmed her way in. They chatted for a bit. She was holding a small bag, and said, “mind if I go to the bathroom and change into something more comfortable?”

A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom wearing a see-through negligee.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see where this is going. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

But, and I’m paraphrasing Shakespeare, alcohol “enhances desire but diminishes performance.” You guessed it: Dumbass, shall we say, wasn’t up to the task, and Aphrodisia left confused and unfulfilled.

I’ve brought this story up to him a couple of times, in jest, and he just gets defensive and bitter about it. Wonder why.

BONUS VIDEO:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jzdikbi9yE

Categories High school, humorous

My Favorite Punk Rock Songs

June 30, 2014 //

I’ve liked punk rock since I first heard The Ramones and The Clash when I was about 13. It’s my favorite genre of music, maybe because it’s my favorite kind to play on guitar, but probably because it’s just so damned energetic and fun. I also enjoy good alternative country, reggae, hard rock and Celtic rock, but I’m always in the mood for punk (or any of its sub-genres). Here’s a very incomplete list of some of my favorite punk songs.

Bitchin’ Camaro (Dead Milkmen)

Starts out as a kind of slow, jazzy, goofy conversation, but kicks in about 2 minutes in. The Dead Milkmen are a very entertaining band.

“I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair

And I didn’t get arrested because my dad’s the mayor”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1v3CzvQ9e_w

Hot Dog in a Hallway (NOFX)

Just a little ditty about being in love with a big woman who’s – shall we say – rather cavernous down south. One of my favorite bands.

“It’s like feeding a tic-tac to a whale, that’s why I love her”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THoAvX0nWbg

I’ve Got an Ape Drape (The Vandals)

A wonderful tribute to the mullet. I like The Vandals because they always go for the joke.

“I’ve been growing that one braid back there for years

I’ve had it since the first time I saw Queensryche”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCUBnF_HWBs

The Gauntlet (Dropkick Murphys)

Not sure what this is about, other than some sort of violence. The DMs can rock pretty hard when they put their minds to it.

“You could sit here scared to move, or we could take them by surprise”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LQbPVmkNao

Basket Case (Green Day)

I got a promo copy of “Dookie” for a 30^th birthday gift, and have always loved this song. Sometimes I adopt it as my theme of life.

“I went to a whore, he said my life’s a bore

And quit my whining ‘cuz it’s bringing her down”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

Sheena Is a Punk Rocker (The Ramones)

I wore out the Rocket to Russia album in junior high. The band is just so addictive.

“Well, New York City really has it all”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGgfHZ02I2k

Joanie Loves Johnny (Screeching Weasel)

My favorite Chicago punkers. It’s the only song I’ve heard that really satirizes the sterilized wholesomeness of the TV show “Happy Days.”

“Pinky Tuscadero’s stewed, Fonzie’s all fucked up on ‘ludes”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQouAnQ9ODI

Career Opportunities (The Clash)

Just a great song by one of the all-time great rock bands. Let’s face it, nobody really WANTS to have to work.

“Do you wanna make tea for the BBC?

Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsE5NAAU39k

EMI (Sex Pistols)

A wonderful middle finger to The Pistols’ former record label. Oh, and it rocks, too.

“And blind acceptance is a sign of stupid fools who stand in line”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjbie1O1jxc

Oh Nina (The Muffs)

I just want to go on the record and say I want to have, like 10,000 of Kim Shattuck’s babies. She certainly can scream.

“Oh Nina, a ballerina, she is a queer

And she knows you never have a clue”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_yjgPhju5I

Joker in the Pack (The Adicts)

Just a fun song by a band that dresses up like the droogies from “A Clockwork Orange.”

“I make them laugh a lot, I make them accept me”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WV5-KhZMOtY

TV Party (Black Flag)

A favorite when I was in college and the Repo Man soundtrack had just come out. Good party song.

“I wouldn’t be without my TV for a day (or even a minute)

Don’t even bother to use my brain anymore (there’s nothing left in it)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6otjCKg594

When the Shit Hits the Fan (Circle Jerks)

Really captures the socio-economic turmoil of the early 80s.

“We just get by however we can

We all gotta duck when the shit hits the fan”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIlIL5pPFmY

Sonic Reducer (Dead Boys)

Stiv Bators and Cheetah Chrome really rock out on this one, probably their most popular song.

“I got my devil machine, got my electronic dream”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdu3EU6sbng

Let’s Lynch the Landlord (Dead Kennedys)

One of the great early L.A.-area punk bands. You won’t find a much more charismatic singer than Jello Biafra.

“I tell ‘em ‘turn on the water,’ I tell ‘em ‘turn on the heat’

Tells me ‘all you ever do is complain,’ then they search the place when I’m not there”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP1NyV60WzA

Baby!! (Downtown Brown)

Saw these guys a few years ago and was quite impressed. This is my most-played song on my iTunes.

“Baby, baby, you rock my shit; my shit gets rocked when you’re around it”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gMlfrJKNPA

Burning Too (Fugazi)

Fugazi’s just an all-around fantastic band. This one pops into my head quite often.

“Anytime but now, anywhere but here, anyone but me”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqpJ84KI6Js

Beast with Five Hands (Groovie Ghoulies)

Just a little song about being in love with a girl with – you guessed it — five hands.

“You really make me happy, you really make me sing

But I don’t think we’ll marry, ‘cuz I can’t afford five rings”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD8F5wKg55k

Lipstick (Guttermouth)

You just don’t hear enough songs about a teenager falsely accusing his mother of abuse and sending her away to jail.

“You’re worthless, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, a little overweight”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SQ85HVegOE

Die, All Right! (The Hives)

Yeah, Swedish punk!

“I filled my pockets now I might as well (die)

I found the backdoor out of teenage hell”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXqujk-b7DI

I Apologize (Husker Du)

I first became aware Husker Du in college. I’d never heard such a distorted guitar.

“Now we sit around staring at the walls, we don’t do anything at all

Take out the garbage, maybe, but the dishes don’t get done”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fESrHOVa8E

Sound System (Operation Ivy)

This one’s very difficult not to dance to.

“To resist despair in this world is what it is, what it is, what it is to be free”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dMVHxFzNK4

Bro Hymn (Pennywise)

A great tribute to the memory of the band’s bassist, Jason Thirsk. Just try not to chant along.

“While you were here the fun was never-ending, laugh a minute was the only beginning”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjHYAVeFwGw

Punk Rock Girls (The Queers)

Like Screeching Weasel, this band cheerfully acknowledges their tremendous Ramones influence.

“Leather jackets, stupid boyfriends, poor report cards, life is just a ball”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEO9rikCRbo

The Pope Is Packed (Rats of Unusual Size)

I don’t know much about this band, but heard the song many years ago and still enjoy it. It’s about John Paul II arming himself after being shot in 1981.

“Nice enough at Sunday mass, but piss him off and he’ll kick your ass”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCUy4no1-YI

Suspect Device (Stiff Little Fingers)

From the opening riff, this song’s hard to get out of your head.

“They make us feel indebted for saving us from hell

And then they put us through it, it’s time the bastards fell”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBYoNYuUVk0

Search and Destroy (The Stooges)

From one of the most aptly-titled albums ever, “Raw Power.” I’m glad Iggy’s still at it.

“Soul radiation in the dead of night, love in the middle of a firefight”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vnwSVTOnqQ

I Saw Your Mommy… (Suicidal Tendencies)

A little dark, but funny, song about finding a kid’s mom dead in a very bloody fashion, and accusing the kid of having her killed.

“But the thing I liked seeing the best were all the rodents using her hair as a nest”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlHHmrYUPkc

12 X U (Wire)

This one’s a little light on the lyrics, but I love the music.

“Saw you in a mag, kissing a man”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAn_T4D2kww

Because I Do (X)

X was another of the great L.A.-based bands. Good song about being unhappily married.

“I am the married kind, the kind that said ‘I do,’ forever searching for someone new”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMXn9YHNf3o

Oh Bondage! Up Yours! (X-Ray Spex)

A song about, well, bondage, sung by one of the great early punk singers, Poly Styrene.

“Trash me, crash me, beat me till I fall

I want to be a victim for you all.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Categories Music

Enjoying, Existing, Enduring

June 20, 2014 //

In my many years in this world, I’ve come to notice something. Well, I’ve noticed thousands of things, but one in particular.

People seem to go through life in one of three modes: enjoying, existing, or enduring.

Of course, these modes can fluctuate; in fact, I’d say most people fluctuate. It’s tough being in one mode all the time.

Here’s a breakdown:

ENJOY: These are the people who grab life by the balls. They have fun thoughts and do fun things and hang out with fun people. They get up each morning and say “hell yeah, another glorious day.” They get out there and live it up and love every minute of it.

EXIST: These are the people with a kind of “meh” attitude. They get up in the morning and go through the motions until it’s time to go to bed and start the process over. Boredom is a big factor. Life’s not a complete drag, but it ain’t roses and fireworks either.

ENDURE: These are the people to whom life is a real bummer. Just being on this planet’s a chore, and they want you to know it. Reality sucks for some reason, and they mope and complain. They get up each morning and say “fuck, another day.” Nothing seems to make them happy.

IN CONCLUSION:

You’re only on this planet for a short while, so enjoy life as much as you can. Really, I think that’s the whole point: you’re born, you die, and in between you should be as happy as you can be. I rarely endure, sometimes exist, but enjoy as much as possible. Find pleasure in the little things.

Categories Uncategorized