O.J. Simpson’s acquittal for murder in 1995 was a shock to the world.  The “Trial of the Century” verdict surprised nearly everyone, since it appeared the prosecution had roughly a million pieces of hard evidence against him, including DNA.  But if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.

So, through a just trial by a jury of his peers, O.J. is innocent.  I know the jury could have been wrong, but really, how often does THAT happen in our justice system?

Now let’s say O.J. really didn’t do it.  He was out at a bar with Kato picking up chicks.  And the chicks were saying, “O.J. who?  Were you in The Jeffersons?”

So that means, sometime between 10:15 and 10:40 p.m. on June 12, 1994, some evildoer somehow broke into a heavily-secured gated community.  He approached a home, where he saw a pretty lady and a handsome young man chatting on the front steps.  The young man appeared to be returning a pair of sunglasses the lady left at a restaurant.

Said evildoer then pulled out a large knife and charged the steps.  He viciously attacked both people, hacking away.  They tried to fend off his blows but he slashed their hands.  He killed them both, and even slit the lady’s throat.  Then the evildoer shambled off into the night, leaving a trail of blood down an alleyway.  He didn’t even rob the house or steal the money or jewelry the couple had on them.

Now I ask you:  what kind of sick fuck would do that?

That’s right: NOBODY.  There are a lot of unbalanced folks out there, but come on.  And surely they would have found that guy by now, right?  Or have some kind of lead?

So here’s the only possible scenario I can think of:  Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were both homicidal psychopaths who had a thing for each other.  It happens; I know I’ve seen a Troma movie or two about it.

Ron returns the sunglasses.  There is an uncomfortable sexual energy in the air – maybe it’s the beautiful summer evening.  Both Nicole and Ron react violently to the tension, and produce sharp knives.  The situation escalates and their twisted brains force them to engage in a vicious slash fight.  Ron’s last action before he bleeds out is to slit Nicole’s throat.

The commotion attracts two African swallows, who swoop down, pick up the shiny bloody knives with their talons, and fly off.  The trail of blood down the alleyway was drippings from the swallow’s knives from above.  The glove at the scene was accidentally dropped earlier by a cleaning lady and that’s why it didn’t fit.

Case closed.  I really should be a lawyer.

These are two of my favorite songs I did in the act.  Unfortunately, they were topical and I had to eventually ditch them.

(To the tune of “The Battle of New Orleans”)

In nineteen-ninety-four, O.J. thought he’d slip

Off to Chicago for a little golfin’ trip

But they brought him back to Brentwood and he got all depressed

‘Cuz they’d found his ex-wife lyin’ in a bloody mess

Later on, Al Cowlings went for a ride

In a white Ford Bronco with O.J. at his side

Goin’ forty miles an hour with the cops on their tail

When they finally pulled ‘em over, they threw ‘em into jail

Well, they held up their hands, but the blows kept a-comin’

He cut ‘em up good, and that wasn’t very nice

But the jury sent a message and they let go O.J.

Everybody calls him “juice,” But they oughta call him “Slice”

(To the tune of “The Ballad of Davy Crockett”)

Down in a compound in old Waco

God said, “we’re gonna put on a show

“Grab yer guns, get ready to go,

“If folks give ya shit, gonna send ‘em down below”

Davy, Davy Koresh

Jesus Christ to his friends

“Stockpile weapons ‘till you’re armed to the teeth

“Get gals pregnant when they’re only fourteen

“Get in the headlines, make a scene

“Gonna go up in a blaze o’ kerosene”

Davy, Davy Koresh

Whacked-out son of a bitch

BONUS: Wrote, but after I’d “retired,” and never performed onstage –

(To the tune of “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”)

The leader of the free world caught with his pants down

That scumbag kept a chunky intern hangin’ round

She wore a beret to show she had some style

And Linda Tripp sat back and laughed all the while

Now Ken Starr’s got a thick report

And Bill’s got an angry wife

I hope he got the blowjob of his life

He went before the jury and still did not confess

Even though the intern had his spooge stain on her dress

Any moron knows that it’s never very wise

To get someone who’s not your spouse between your thighs

Now Ken Starr’s got a thick report

And Bill’s got an angry wife

I hope he got the blowjob of his life

Kids, beware!

A teenage boy and girl are sitting in chairs representing the front seat of a car.  The boy is driving.  They are dressed in 1950’s garb – he’s wearing a varsity jacket, she’s wearing a cheerleader outfit.

NARRATOR (offstage; in a somber 50’s school-scare-film-type voice): This is Jimmy and Jenny.  They’re a wholesome All-American high-school couple.  Jimmy’s captain of the varsity football team, and Jenny’s parents own half of the small town they live in.

The kids smile, wave, and give a “thumbs up.”

NARRATOR:  They’re great kids, but they have an unbridled lust for each other.

The kids look at each other very lustfully.

NARRATOR:  Jimmy’s driving Jenny home from the Friday night football game.  Jimmy threw for three touchdowns and led their team to victory.  Jenny cheered liked she’d never cheered before.  They had a wonderful evening.  But, for some evil reason, Jimmy feels he needs to try to make the evening even more wonderful.

JIMMY pulls out a flask.  He takes a big drink and proffers it to JENNY.

NARRATOR:  Hold on there, Jenny.  Alcohol leads to poor judgment.  Do you really want to take a drink of mind poison?

JENNY grabs the flask and takes a big drink.

NARRATOR: It appears as though Jenny is a drunken slut.

She hands the flask back to JIMMY.  He takes it; they quickly exchange the flask back and forth, gulping heartily.

NARRATOR: Jimmy and Jenny are now both alcoholics. They’re an embarrassment to everyone they know, and will likely wind up as hobos, jumping freight trains to losertown.

The kids finally give in to their drunken lustful urges and start making out enthusiastically.

NARRATOR: These inebriated knuckleheads just can’t control their sinful carnal desires.

The make-out session gets more aggressive.  JIMMY is nowhere near the wheel.

NARRATOR:  Wait a minute, Jimmy the Horny Boozehound, who’s driving the car?

JIMMY snaps to, grabs the wheel, and regains control.

NARRATOR: But Jimmy, in his drunken lustful state of mind, haphazardly accelerates the vehicle.

The kids lurch backward violently.

NARRATOR:  And because Jimmy’s father’s distant cousin was an atheist, he cannot control the vehicle.

JIMMY whips the wheel wildly.  He “crosses” himself and puts his hands together in prayer.  The kids experience a big jolt, then go limp.

NARRATOR:  Jimmy and Jenny plowed into a sycamore tree.  They survived, with absolutely no injuries.  They ended up getting married, having four children, and being very happy.  They often drank alcohol and made out. And one of their children became a popular disco dancer.  So next time you kids out there think about having fun, let Jimmy and Jenny’s tragic and devastating story be a lesson to you.

 THE END

In 1988, I was working as editor for The Media, the local newspaper for Clark County, MO, based in Kahoka.

Not a lot of exciting things happen in a Midwest county with a population of about 8,000.  County fair pig contest winners, high school track winners, interviewing aunt Millie on her 90^th birthday, checking the courthouse files to report who got speeding tickets.  Yawn.

But then the news hit that Martin Scorsese’s controversial The Last Temptation of Christ was soon to be released on VHS.  If you don’t remember, the movie caused a lot of furor with Christians because of its frank portrayal of Jesus as a complex and troubled individual with human desires.  You know, struggling with temptation, like the rest of us.

Word got out that the Kahoka Christian Church, the largest church in town, was going to boycott the local video rental store if it carried even a single copy of the movie when it came out.  Finally, I thought, something interesting.  Stupid, but interesting.

I set up an interview with the pastor (name forgotten).  He went on about the blasphemy of the film, it’s an insult to Christians, etc.  It was like he memorized a memo from the Grand Exalted President of the Christian Church himself.  The boycott was to send a message that this sort of movie would not be tolerated ‘round these parts.  Then I asked the obvious question: “Have you seen the film?”

His response was swift, and obviously canned: “No.  But I’ve never done drugs, either, and I know they’re bad.”

You bet your ass I quoted him on that.  Ignorance deserves quoting.  Look at all the mileage we still get out of George W. Bush and Sarah Palin.

I don’t have the story I ended up writing, but in the end, the owners of the video store caved and agreed not to carry the movie.  They were a nice old couple who told me they were struggling and just couldn’t handle the loss of business from such a large congregation in such a small town.

So ignorance won out.  Thanks, Kahoka Christian Church, for taking it upon yourself to deny people access to art you’ve judged but haven’t even seen.  And you’d potentially bankrupt a family-owned local business – a business that pays taxes, I might add — if they chose to make a movie available to rent?  A goddamned movie?

None of the other churches (and there were several) issued any kind of boycott threat.  I wonder what put such a bug up that particular pastor’s ass.  Maybe he loved the attention and control over his flock.  Or maybe he had a secret thing for David Bowie and was angry and conflicted about it.

FUN FACT:  The store still had an extensive collection of ultra-violent slasher, thriller and action movies, as well as hardcore pornography (in the back room).  I guess the Christian Church had no problem with those.

I’m a sucker for a good romantic comedy.  I think it’s because I feel some of the best humor stems from the male/female dynamic.  (Stand-up comics have been fishing from that well since caveman days.)  Plus, I’m a big softie.

But I think they’ve taken a bad rap over the last few years.  They’re usually lumped in as “chick flicks” and dismissed as little more than an easy Hollywood cash-in.  And with good reason – I mean, just how many bad movies can Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Ashton Kutcher make?  Then there’s contrived plots, ridiculous dialogue, leads with no chemistry, little or no laughs…you get the picture.

But there really are some good romantic comedies (henceforth referred to as “rom-coms”) out there, and I’d like to share some of my favorites.

ANNIE HALL (1977) D: Woody Allen.  Woody Allen, Diane Keaton

Woody’s done many good rom-coms, but this is my favorite. Numerous classic lines and scenes, inventive direction, and even a little animation thrown in.  A rare Oscar-winner for the genre.

He Gets The Girl: No

Would I Date Her: Probably not; a little too much of a ditz

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER (2009) D: Marc Webb.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel

What impresses me most is the interesting way the film jumps around in time, chronicling the 500 days of the relationship.  If you’re a guy and have ever had your heart broken, you need to see this.  Oh, and it’s quite funny.  And there’s Zooey.

He Gets The Girl: No

Would I Date Her: OMG YES

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989)  D: Rob Reiner.  Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan

One of the first modern R-rated rom-coms, and usually a movie that comes to mind when people think of the genre.  Some great lines and great relationship insights.  And could Meg be any cuter?

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Yes, but mostly for her looks

SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004)  D: Edgar Wright.  Simon Pegg, Kate Ashfield

Really more of a rom-zom-com, but you have to admire all the shit Shaun goes though to get Liz back.  Honestly, you should see any movie Wright directs.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Maybe, if she didn’t nag too much

GOUNDHOG DAY (1993)  D: Harold Ramis.  Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell

This one’s a little unique in the sense that the guy doesn’t really have any interest in the girl, but must win her over to break the déjà-vu thing.  A clever premise pulled off very well.  And can you picture anyone else but Mr. Murray as the obnoxious Phil?

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Nah.  Too full of herself and kind of horse-facy

CHASING AMY (1997)  D: Kevin Smith.  Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren-Adams

I don’t like this movie because of the “turning a lesbian” theme, I like it because I think, when he wants to, Kevin Smith can write some great dialogue.  And I certainly can see where Holden would fall for Alyssa – she’s just so cool and adorable.  The scene in the car where Holden confesses his feelings chokes me up every time.

He Gets The Girl: No

Would I Date Her: You bet your sweet ass

BIG (1988)  D: Penny Marshall.  Tom Hanks, Elizabeth Perkins

Love story with a twist: a 12-year-old turns into a 30-year-old and finds he’s a hot property with a coworker.  Lots of laughs and genuinely touching moments.

He Gets The Girl: No

Would I Date Her: No, too much of an uptight yuppie

TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL (2011)  D: Eli Craig.  Tyler Labine, Katrina Bowden

Not only is this film hilarious (I love the premise), but if you look past the comedy gore, it’s got a real sweet heart, with the message that people are more than their outward appearance.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: In a goddamned heartbeat

SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)  D: Billy Wilder.  Tony Curtis, Marilyn Monroe

Not just a great rom-com but a fantastic comedy all around.  Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in drag, multiple deceptions/love interests, a bona fide sex goddess, and one of the funniest closing lines ever.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Is this a trick question?  It’s MARILYN MONROE

AIRPLANE! (1980)  D: Jim Abrams, Jerry Zucker, David Zucker.  Robert Hays, Julie Hagerty

I know, Airplane!’s a silly parody, but Ted Striker shows real guts.  He faces his demons, lands the plane, wins one for the Zipper, and gets the girl back.  And if you don’t think this movie is funny at all, you and I are going to have to take it outside.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: No, a little too flighty (pun intended)

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998)  D: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly.  Ben Stiller, Cameron Diaz

The Farrelly brothers are pretty hit-or-miss, but this film hits.  Sure, it’s goofy and often goes for the cheap laugh, but you really feel for Ted’s quest to reconnect with Mary.  Bonus: Brett Favre.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Yes – there’s something about her

THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN (2005)  D: Judd Apatow.  Steve Carell, Catherine Keener

Started a resurgence of “raunchy” but well-made, well-written rom-coms.  I still laugh at this film a lot.  And Ms. Keener is such a MILF (or, in the movie, a GILF).

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Yes yes yes

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (2008)  D: Nicholas Stoller.  Jason Segel, Mila Kunis

Another fine film from the Judd Apatow crew.  Funny stuff, lots of scantily-clad beach women, and Mila Kunis’ character steals your heart.

He Gets The Girl: Yes

Would I Date Her: Date, marry, worship, lick the boots of, etc.

“I like being able to fire people.” – Mitt Romney, January 9, 2012

Dear Cathy:

Due to a lackluster global market and your continuous inability to grasp even minor concepts that even a garden slug would easily understand, I am ending your employment with Mitt’s Homemade Detroit Jambalaya Company, effective immediately.

Take a second to reread that last paragraph.  Let it sink in; allow it to permeate your very soul.  You are now jobless, directionless, without a steady source of income.  You’re terminated, motherfucker.

There is no severance package of any kind.  Your insurance coverage ends today.  Hope you can afford those expensive heart pills, kiddo.

If you’re crying right now, good.  Your life is shattered more than you will ever comprehend with that pea brain of yours.  Oh, and your roommate, Janice, in accounting?  I just fired her, too.  Now you’re both unemployed losers.  Maybe you two can spend the days crying together, scarfing Haagen-Dazs and watching True Blood.  Oh, wait, you won’t be able to afford Haagen-Dazs or HBO.  Maybe you can fish for some couch change and get a jug of cheap wine and an US magazine.

You may not use anyone in this company as a reference for any potential future employment.  My hope is that you end up homeless, insane, or doing degrading webcam shows for rent money.

Worst of luck,

Willard Mitt Romney, C.E.O.

To me, there’s nothing hotter than a chick who rocks out.  Here are my all-time favorite rock babes.

Pat Benatar:  One of the best of the late 70’s and 80’s.  Started a unique look that I can’t say was all bad.

Exene Cervenka (X):  Hasn’t aged too well over the years, but she was ubercool in the 80’s.

Kim Deal (The Pixies, The Breeders):  Not classically beautiful by any means, but she’s in the goddammed Pixies, fer crissake.

Tammy Ealom (Dressy Bessy):  Cute retro look.

Yoshiko Fujiyama (The 5.6.7.8’s):  Anyone who knows me at all knows I have to include a token hot Asian chick.

Debbie Harry (Blondie):  Ah, the hours spent fantasizing over the Parallel Lines album cover…

P.J. Harvey:  This woman is pure sexuality.

Susanna Hoffs (The Bangles):  Grrr.  What a babe.  But why did she always look away from the camera in the videos?

Mary Huff (Southern Culture on the Skids):  A sexy southern belle.  And anyone who can keep a heavy wig on in a 98-degree room is a-okay in my book.

Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders):  The epitome of cool.  And what a voice.

Joan Jett (The Runaways, The Blackhearts):  Leather and attitude go a long way.

Janis Joplin:  A drunken slut, to be sure, but the woman had some unbelievable pipes.

Manda Marble (Manda & The Marbles):  Another pop-punk cutie.

Bif Naked:  Weird-looking, but ass-kicking vocals.

Kelly Ogden (The Dollyrots):  Perfect voice and chops for pop-punk.  What Avril Lavigne wishes she were.

Liz Phair:  More a talented songwriter than a balls-out rocker.  Still, she’s a super-hot Chicago gal.

Kate Pierson (The B-52s):  A knockout with that 60’s look.

Kim Shattuck (The Pandoras, The Muffs):  Probably my favorite.  Snotty, raucous and cute…and can scream like a banshee.  Sadly, I only got to see her perform once.

Patty Smith:  Unshaved body hair aside, she was weird before weird was fashionable.

Gwen Stefani (No Doubt):  If you don’t think Gwen is hot you need a swift kick upside the head.

Poly Styrene (X-Ray Spex):  Great early punker. I love it when she screams, “up yours!”

Ruyter Suys (Nashville Pussy):  Blonde, big boobs, crunching guitar, and never stops moving onstage.  What more could you ask for?

Meg White (White Stripes):  The very definition of “ugly hot,” but man, she can pound the skins.

Jane Wiedlin (The Go-Gos):  I’d take a vacation with her anyday…and I wouldn’t keep my lips sealed.

Nancy Wilson (Heart):  Fantastic guitar player.  She’s now pushing 60 and is still hot.