Kids, beware!

A teenage boy and girl are sitting in chairs representing the front seat of a car.  The boy is driving.  They are dressed in 1950’s garb – he’s wearing a varsity jacket, she’s wearing a cheerleader outfit.

NARRATOR (offstage; in a somber 50’s school-scare-film-type voice): This is Jimmy and Jenny.  They’re a wholesome All-American high-school couple.  Jimmy’s captain of the varsity football team, and Jenny’s parents own half of the small town they live in.

The kids smile, wave, and give a “thumbs up.”

NARRATOR:  They’re great kids, but they have an unbridled lust for each other.

The kids look at each other very lustfully.

NARRATOR:  Jimmy’s driving Jenny home from the Friday night football game.  Jimmy threw for three touchdowns and led their team to victory.  Jenny cheered liked she’d never cheered before.  They had a wonderful evening.  But, for some evil reason, Jimmy feels he needs to try to make the evening even more wonderful.

JIMMY pulls out a flask.  He takes a big drink and proffers it to JENNY.

NARRATOR:  Hold on there, Jenny.  Alcohol leads to poor judgment.  Do you really want to take a drink of mind poison?

JENNY grabs the flask and takes a big drink.

NARRATOR: It appears as though Jenny is a drunken slut.

She hands the flask back to JIMMY.  He takes it; they quickly exchange the flask back and forth, gulping heartily.

NARRATOR: Jimmy and Jenny are now both alcoholics. They’re an embarrassment to everyone they know, and will likely wind up as hobos, jumping freight trains to losertown.

The kids finally give in to their drunken lustful urges and start making out enthusiastically.

NARRATOR: These inebriated knuckleheads just can’t control their sinful carnal desires.

The make-out session gets more aggressive.  JIMMY is nowhere near the wheel.

NARRATOR:  Wait a minute, Jimmy the Horny Boozehound, who’s driving the car?

JIMMY snaps to, grabs the wheel, and regains control.

NARRATOR: But Jimmy, in his drunken lustful state of mind, haphazardly accelerates the vehicle.

The kids lurch backward violently.

NARRATOR:  And because Jimmy’s father’s distant cousin was an atheist, he cannot control the vehicle.

JIMMY whips the wheel wildly.  He “crosses” himself and puts his hands together in prayer.  The kids experience a big jolt, then go limp.

NARRATOR:  Jimmy and Jenny plowed into a sycamore tree.  They survived, with absolutely no injuries.  They ended up getting married, having four children, and being very happy.  They often drank alcohol and made out. And one of their children became a popular disco dancer.  So next time you kids out there think about having fun, let Jimmy and Jenny’s tragic and devastating story be a lesson to you.