“I like being able to fire people.” – Mitt Romney, January 9, 2012


Dear Cathy:


Due to a lackluster global market and your continuous inability to grasp even minor concepts that even a garden slug would easily understand, I am ending your employment with Mitt’s Homemade Detroit Jambalaya Company, effective immediately.

Take a second to reread that last paragraph.  Let it sink in; allow it to permeate your very soul.  You are now jobless, directionless, without a steady source of income.  You’re terminated, motherfucker.

There is no severance package of any kind.  Your insurance coverage ends today.  Hope you can afford those expensive heart pills, kiddo.

If you’re crying right now, good.  Your life is shattered more than you will ever comprehend with that pea brain of yours.  Oh, and your roommate, Janice, in accounting?  I just fired her, too.  Now you’re both unemployed losers.  Maybe you two can spend the days crying together, scarfing Haagen-Dazs and watching True Blood.  Oh, wait, you won’t be able to afford Haagen-Dazs or HBO.  Maybe you can fish for some couch change and get a jug of cheap wine and an US magazine.

You may not use anyone in this company as a reference for any potential future employment.  My hope is that you end up homeless, insane, or doing degrading webcam shows for rent money.


Worst of luck,


Willard Mitt Romney, C.E.O.