O.J. Simpson’s acquittal for murder in 1995 was a shock to the world.  The “Trial of the Century” verdict surprised nearly everyone, since it appeared the prosecution had roughly a million pieces of hard evidence against him, including DNA.  But if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.

So, through a just trial by a jury of his peers, O.J. is innocent.  I know the jury could have been wrong, but really, how often does THAT happen in our justice system?

Now let’s say O.J. really didn’t do it.  He was out at a bar with Kato picking up chicks.  And the chicks were saying, “O.J. who?  Were you in The Jeffersons?”

So that means, sometime between 10:15 and 10:40 p.m. on June 12, 1994, some evildoer somehow broke into a heavily-secured gated community.  He approached a home, where he saw a pretty lady and a handsome young man chatting on the front steps.  The young man appeared to be returning a pair of sunglasses the lady left at a restaurant.

Said evildoer then pulled out a large knife and charged the steps.  He viciously attacked both people, hacking away.  They tried to fend off his blows but he slashed their hands.  He killed them both, and even slit the lady’s throat.  Then the evildoer shambled off into the night, leaving a trail of blood down an alleyway.  He didn’t even rob the house or steal the money or jewelry the couple had on them.

Now I ask you:  what kind of sick fuck would do that?

That’s right: NOBODY.  There are a lot of unbalanced folks out there, but come on.  And surely they would have found that guy by now, right?  Or have some kind of lead?

So here’s the only possible scenario I can think of:  Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were both homicidal psychopaths who had a thing for each other.  It happens; I know I’ve seen a Troma movie or two about it.

Ron returns the sunglasses.  There is an uncomfortable sexual energy in the air – maybe it’s the beautiful summer evening.  Both Nicole and Ron react violently to the tension, and produce sharp knives.  The situation escalates and their twisted brains force them to engage in a vicious slash fight.  Ron’s last action before he bleeds out is to slit Nicole’s throat.

The commotion attracts two African swallows, who swoop down, pick up the shiny bloody knives with their talons, and fly off.  The trail of blood down the alleyway was drippings from the swallow’s knives from above.  The glove at the scene was accidentally dropped earlier by a cleaning lady and that’s why it didn’t fit.

 

Case closed.  I really should be a lawyer.