Archives for category: humorous

My Favorite Documentaries

November 29, 2012 //

I can watch a movie about pretty much anything, as long as it holds my interest. But I especially like well-done documentaries; I think because of the way they capture real life and real drama. Here are some favorites that come to mind (I have a soft spot for films about crazy artistic types):

Roger & Me (1989, D: Michael Moore)

Moore’s generally the guy you think of when you think of documentaries. He’s done many good ones, but this is my favorite (and his first). I like how the movie takes a very depressing subject matter (thousands laid off in Flint, MI, due to General Motors closing plants) and makes it incredibly entertaining. Pat Boone and Bob Eubanks are great.

Crumb (1994, D: Terry Zwigoff)

One of those voyeuristic-type films that you feel you really shouldn’t be watching. Profiles famed cartoonist/artist Robert Crumb and the few weeks before he and his family move from the states to France. Crumb himself is beyond weird, but he’s nothing compared to his two brothers. Great stuff.

American Movie (1999, D: Chris Smith)

Chronicles Milwaukee filmmaker Mark Borchardt, who’s the very definition of “minimal talent, tremendous passion.” You don’t know whether to laugh at or cry for the guy, but you’ll certainly laugh at his assistant/friend, Mike Schank. Watch as Mark and Mike try to make Mark’s “big” horror movie, “Northwestern.”

Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse (1991, D: Fax Bahr, George Hickenlooper, Eleanor Coppola)

Now here’s a movie about a director under incredible stress. It’s about Francis Ford Coppola’s ordeal filming “Apocalpyse Now.” Numerous budget and shooting setbacks, including Brando wasting days discussing his character while cast and crew sit idly by on the expensive sets.

The Devil and Daniel Johnston (2005, D: Jeff Feuerzeig)

Daniel Johnston was an influential songwriter on the early Austin, TX, rock scene – his songs have been covered by many popular bands. He’s also bipolar and prone to really irrational behavior. Great tribute to a musician whose mental problems kept him from being a big star.

I Am Comic (2010, D: Jordan Brady)

Yeah, this is on here because I love stand-up (and used to do it). Partly follows popular 80’s comedian Rich Shyder as he tries to make a comeback and partly gleans insights from veteran comics. Funny and insightful look at successful and sort-of-successful working comedians.

Grizzly Man (2005, D: Werner Herzog)

No doubt about it: Timothy Treadwell was one crazy mofo. While in his 20’s, he decided to ditch his privileged upbringing and hang out in the wilderness with huge grizzly bears. The film shows how he gradually gets more obsessed and unhinged. Spoiler alert: things do not end well for him and his girlfriend.

My Best Fiend (1999, D: Werner Herzog)

Acclaimed director Herzog’s film about his ordeals working with explosive and unpredictable actor Klaus Kinski. You never know when Kinski’s going to start screaming or get violent – yet Herzog truly respects his talents.

The King of Kong (2007, D: Seth Gordon)

Who’d think a movie about breaking the Donkey Kong world record high score could be so fun? A clear-cut hero and villain and real drama and tension…and a lot of laughs.

Capturing the Friedmans (2003, D: Andrew Jarecki)

Creepy stuff here. The director profiles Arnold Friedman and his son, Jesse, who were convicted of child sexual abuse after several boys accused them of molestation during computer classes in the Friedman’s home. Lots of different takes on the situation so you’re not really sure what actually happened.

Anvil: The Story of Anvil (2008, D: Sacha Gervasi)

I’ve heard this described as “The real-life Spinal Tap,” and that’s pretty true. In the 80’s, Canadian metal band Anvil was rockin’ the stage with the likes of Metallica and Bon Jovi. But nobody – including the many famous metal artists interviewed – has any idea why they didn’t achieve fame. The movie follows the hapless band through a botched tour as they strive to play one more big gig.

Woodstock (1970, D: Michael Wadleigh)

One of the greatest concert films of all time. It just doesn’t capture the phenomenal music made on a farm in Bethel, NY, over 3 days in August 1969; it captures the whole experience. Great performers, hippies, and disgruntled townsfolk.

For The Bible Tells Me So (2007, D: Daniel G. Karslake)

Eye-opening examination of how fundamentalist Christians use The Bible to justify rabid homophobia. Scary, informative, and interesting, with some great interviews with religious parents of homosexual children.

This Film Is Not Yet Rated (2006, D: Kirby Dick)

Very interesting, especially to film enthusiasts. Explains the machinations of Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), which assigns ratings to movies. Investigates how the ratings board members are not a terribly educated bunch, and how some are in the pocket of the studios. FUN FACT: The film initially got an NC-17 rating.

American Dream (1990, D: Barbara Kopple, Cathy Caplan, Tom Haneke, Lawrence Silk)

Intense story of the union strike at the Hormel plant in Austin, Minnesota in the mid-80’s. Lots of drama, politics and tension – even brother pitted against brother – as the strike drags on and people start losing everything they have.

Best Worst Movie (2009, D: Michael Stephenson)

Michael Stephenson, child actor in 1990’s Troll 2, directs a very fun film about the people behind what many consider to be the worst movie ever – you guessed it – Troll 2. It’s now a cult classic and has a fairly large following. Dentist George Handy, the dad in the film, is hilarious as he enjoys his small bit of “fame.”

NOTE: I really enjoy this film, but could only get through about 10 minutes of Troll 2. Yeesh, it’s terrible.

Shut Up & Sing (2006, D: Barbara Kopple, Cecilia Peck)

About the Dixie Chicks and how they persevered through the nation’s negative reaction to Natalie Maines’ 2003 onstage comments about then-president Bush. Makes you appreciate the tenacity of artists as well as the stupidity of a lot of Americans.

Shut Up Little Man! An Audio Misadventure (2011, Matthew Bate)

In the early 80’s, two young men from Wisconsin decided to move to San Francisco. They wound up as neighbors to two very angry, drunk and vocal men – Peter Haskett and Raymond Huffman. The young men taped the loud drunken arguments and shared them with friends; the result was a San Fran underground artistic explosion, including comics, CDs, and a stage play based on the conversations. The film chronicles the two now-middle-aged men as they tell their story and try to track down acquaintances of the now-deceased neighbors.

Categories humorous, Uncategorized

Best of My Election Night Twitter Feed

November 7, 2012 //

I don’t use Twitter too often and don’t follow too many people, but some of the actors and comedians (especially Patton Oswalt) were quite funny last night.

Transcribed from earliest to most recent:

Hey USA Network! You are suppressing the stoner vote by showing an SVU marathon. – Doug Benson

In a crowded Cuyahoga IHOP, an undecided voter gives Mitt the unmistakable “hand job or Obama vote” eyebrow arch. – Patton Oswalt

At the Richmond, VA Obama campaign HQ, a sleep-deprived Biden hands out cups of toner ink and urinal cakes before being tased. – P.O.

On board Air Force One, Obama re-watches the scene in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK where Donald Pleasance locks himself in the escape pod. – P.O.

Stickers? This is bullshit: In Iraq you get a purple finger when you vote. WHERE’S MY PURPLE FINGER? – Michael Ian Black

“Get out of there! One at a time! You’re breaking federal law!” shouts the election official played by Cedric the Entertainer. – B.J. Novak

Somewhere in Jersey, Paul Ryan pins governor Christie’s hand to a bar with a stiletto while Ann Romney garrotes him from behind. – P.O.

It’s National Get Drunk and Vote for @GovGaryJohnson for President Day! Vote 3^rd Party or Stay Home! – Doug Stanhope

Rock the Vote! Or if you’re middle-aged with a sentimental side, Easy Listen the Vote! – Stephen Colbert

In a chamber beneath the Senate, Gingrich releases Kuato from his neck-wattle. “Too close…too close…” he slurs. – P.O.

On my way to the polling station – before I go in, who did Michael Bolton endorse?!? – M.I.B.

Rush Limbaugh prepares to broadcast, dropping his trousers while his personal physician approaches with a ketamine-filled turkey baster. – P.O.

Ann Coulter practices saying, “I just say what people are really thinking,” over and over in a mirror while her ovaries eat a scorpion. – P.O.

All kidding aside, I hope everybody votes a bunch of times today. – M.I.B.

At a D.C. gift shop, Nancy Pelosi stares at a Jefferson bust paperweight until it cries. – P.O.

I based my vote on these issues: gayish rights, building a giant reusable govt vagina, killing Osama again, no more bands w/ wolf in title. – Eugene Mirman

Regardless of who you’re voting for today, do the right thing & write me in for Michigan Drain Commissioner. The madness must stop. – Conan O’Brien

@BarackObama Where do I pick up my list of dead people I’m supped to vote as? – M.I.B.

“Joe Biden Hapsburg Peckinpah neo-realist F Troop back-a back-a back-a reference I just pooed my pants” – Dennis Miller, later tonight. – P.O.

For 1/8 of a second, Wolf Blitzer considers shaving his beard into the Bat Symbol, shudders, and pops a Xanax. – P.O.

With the GOP in a fever pitch, George W. Bush completes an “Armor” level of GemCraft and pops a Coke Zero. – P.O.

Presidential election today when we finally find out just how batty America is… — John Cleese

Somewhere, a closeted Republican votes against marriage equality then rushes home to his Blu Ray of MIDNIGHT EXPRESS. – P.O.

In a Michigan grocery store, Michelle Bachmann buys herself a “Congratulations, Madame President” cake and demands an extra frosting rose. – P.O.

It’s a good thing nobody knows what state I live in – I haven’t seen an election ad all year! – Homer J. Simpson

“I doted!” – a grandparent. – P.O.

At the polls today, on the poles tonight. #strippersforObama – Bob Saget

Getting drunk in a parking lot with a blind guy in WBP. Tweet me when @GovGaryJohnson wins or if u r bringing blow. – D.S.

For those who want the prestige but not hassle of voting, I’m selling “I voted!” stickers outside my polling station for a buck each. – Rainn Wilson

VOTER FRAUD ALERT: my voting machine turned my vote for President Obama into a large Slushee and a bag of pizza Combos. – M.I.B.

While you’re voting today, remember, it’s a privilege, not a right. *flurry of fact checking* Sorry, actually, it’s a right. I take that back. – Steve Martin

Remember, you’re not allowed to carry an unconcealed, loaded voter into the voting booth. – S.M.

After more fact checking, it turns out voting is not a right, but a consolation prize for not getting to be dictator. – S.M.

I waited for 4 hours to vote. Then I realized it was a Lotto tickets line at Kwik-E-Mart. So I voted for my kids’ birthdays. – H.J.S.

If CNN doesn’t have some kind of holographic teleporting 3D touchscreen R2D2 shit, it will be an election wasted. – M.I.B.

The only upshot of Romney winning would be how upset it would make Will.I.Am. – M.I.B.

ROMNEY WINS! (a brand new Jetta, courtesy of Schaeffer Volkswagon, Glendale) – R.W.

The dude who played Pedro in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE was hanging out at my polling place in Hollywood. I did not vote for him. – D.B.

Karl Rove is currently bragging that he voted in 25 states. – Garry Shandling

Tonight I’m playing a Cable News drinking game. I’m drinking myself blind instead of watching Cable News. And I’m winning! – H.J.S.

Turner Classic Movies is projecting that Delaware will go to William Holden. – P.O.

Wow, CNN just brought out hologram Tilda Swinton. This technology is really – oh wait, that’s really her. – P.O.

Wow. Rachel Maddow just wrung a shot of scotch from a washcloth of Chris Matthews’ forehead sweat. Gonna be a long night. – P.O.

I was an engineering major – 21 units of math and physics, and I still can’t follow John King’s calculations at the CNN board. – G.S.

CNN projects I win Mexico! Maybe everyone needs to slow down for a second…it’s starting to sound like some kind of telethon auction! – G.S.

Exit polls from Alabama show a 100% response for, “The voter in question spit a slug of chewin’ terbacky in my city-slicker face.” – P.O.

SyFy Channel is reporting 57% turnout of ice basilisks for Romney. – P.O.

PBS’ election coverage is the most informative and least hysterical. That said, They’re using a Lite Brite for a U.S. map. – P.O.

I don’t speak Spanish and Telemundo’s election coverage is making ten times more sense than CNN’s. – P.O.

So wait, they get to keep the states they win, right? – J.C.

I’m drunk and going to sleep now, so congratulations to Mittrack Obamaney on being re-elected to his first term! – H.J.S.

Voters in Virginia & Florida: STAY IN LINE if you like the buttocks of the person in front of you. – R.W.

Rove starting to hint that Tebow should have been put in sooner. – G.S.

SITCOM IDEA: “Whitehouse Mates”. Mitt and Obama TIE & have to share the Whitehouse and govern together. Also, one is gay. – R.W.

FOX News is turning into a David Mamet play right before my eyes. – P.O.

The LOGO Network reporting Romney watching Tim Curry sing “I’m Going Home” from ROCKY HORROR over and over on his iPad. – P.O.

“Um…rape. Rape? RAPE! (raperaperape)…” Todd Akin’s concession speech, probably. – P.O.

FOX News should play Karl Rove on with adorable oboe music & have a cartoon cupcake say, “what a smart little potato!” when he’s done. – P.O.

Obama just took Minnesota. Michelle Bachmann just spat 1,000 nettles out of her back pores. – P.O.

The people on FOX News are talking the way junkies do when they promise they can get clean in a week. – P.O.

Romney loses Pennsylvania. Apparently the Amish thought he was too behind the times. – Ricky Gervais

I’d say there’s a binder full of women going to the U.S. Senate. – Michael Moore

MY CAR MAGNET WORKED!!! – Paul F. Tompkins

A shirtless Mitt Romney just kicked in the doors at a Boston Starbucks. “Give me the urn! THE ENTIRE URN!” – P.O.

To commemorate Obama’s victory, I’m having a Tea Party. – S.M.

The crowd at Romney HQ looks like every white person who won’t accept that Styx broke up. – P.O.

Right now FOX News is like The Human Centipede with the middle person dead. – P.O.

Romney bought this election, problem is he bought it from the ACME company in the Roadrunner cartoons. – Rick Overton

“Just let me sing ‘America the Beautiful’ again. I can fix this!” – Meat Loaf, with 9 ineffective trank darts in his neck. – P.O.

I’m hiring Nate Silver to run my fantasy football team next year. – R.W.

I’m getting so excited to vote tomorrow! – Jim Gaffigan

Categories humorous, Politics

Zombie Voting Tips

October 31, 2012 //

Each U.S. election year, millions of dead people vote (such voting is especially popular in the Chicago area). Since these voters are presumably freshly-risen zombies, here are some undead voting tips and guidelines:

Registration

All voters are required to register. Shamble out of the grave at least a month before the election and go to your town’s city hall. If you were buried with your wallet, show them your identification and fill out the paperwork. If not, explain that your ID was stolen by a zombie. This will distract from the fact that YOU’RE a zombie (it helps if the registrar is also a zombie). If the registrar says you’re dead, loudly argue that you’re a taxpayer and this is an outrage. Make a scene until he/she freaks out and gives you the go-ahead.

You can then shuffle back to your eternal resting place to chill until Election Day. Or you can hang out at a mall — nobody will notice.

Finding polling locations

On Election Day, stumble into any local church or high-school gym. Look casual, but alive. It’s okay if you appear drunk; most living voters look the same way. Resist any urge to feed on the vast sea of sweet, sweet human flesh. If you find it’s NOT a polling location, grab a quick snack of a toe or ear and go to the next closest facility.

Identification

You’ll have to show some “real” identification at the polls. Simply flash a still from any one of the 200,000 zombie movies that have been made. If the official gives you any guff, stare at him/her with your dead eyes and softly hiss, “brainsssss.” Be confident. You’re entitled to vote. This is America.

Actual voting

Once in the voting booth, the wonderful world of democracy is yours. If you’re using an electronic voting device, be sure to push the touch-screen items hard enough to register your vote (severely rotted hands and fingers can hinder this). If you’re using one of the older machines that uses levers, try not to lose an arm while pulling. If you’re already missing your arms, use whatever you can – even if it’s a body part you just ripped off a living person (try holding it with your teeth).

REMEMBER: Per the U.S. Constitution, you cannot be denied the right to vote. It guarantees no discrimination due to age or race, except if you’re under 18. If you’re under 18, you really shouldn’t be rising from the crypt to vote. They’re sticklers about that stuff.

Have fun, and happy dead voting!

Categories humorous, Politics

Goofy Minds Make Goofy ecards

October 16, 2012 //

Just made a site to house the ecards I’ve created. Hopefully inspiration will keep coming and I’ll keep adding. Who knows…sometimes it just takes just the right amount of alcohol to spur a slew of idiocy.

https://sites.google.com/site/garywebelsecards/

Categories humorous

Y’all Got Issues

October 8, 2012 //

OKCupid, a free online dating site, recently added a section to profiles titled “Y’all Got Issues.” It shows how a woman has answered the site’s questions differently than you. I really have to wonder about some of these women’s brains. Here are some of my discrepancies:

Are you happy with your life?

Her: No

Me: Yes

“Your a bitch!” What bothers you more about the above sentence?

Her: The profanity

Me: The grammar

Would you prefer good things happened, or interesting things?

Her: Good

Me: Interesting

To you, which adjective best describes hopeless, unrequited love?

Her: Romantic

Me: Foolish

Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in school?

Her: No, evolution has no place in schools

Me: No, creationism has no place in schools

How much do you spend per year on shoes?

Her: $501 – $1000

Me: Less than $100

How much can intelligence turn you on?

Her: Intelligence does nothing for me either way

Me: A lot!

Do you enjoy intense intellectual conversations?

Her: No

Me: Yes

Would you – for any reason – read your mate’s e-mail or pose as him/her online, without his/her permission?

Her: Yes, they shouldn’t be keeping secrets anyway

Me: No, I’d trust them and that would be invasive

Which would you rather be?

Her: Normal

Me: Weird

Jealousy: Healthy or unhealthy, in the context of a relationship?

Her: Healthy

Me: Unhealthy

How often do you “take it out” on another person when you’ve had a bad day?

Her: Frequently

Me: Never

Would you date someone who was always optimistic?

Her: No way!

Me: Definitely!

If you were really, really drunk, which would you be more likely to do?

Her: Hit someone

Me: Kiss someone

Which makes for a better relationship?

Her: Dedication

Me: Passion

And my favorite…

Which is bigger?

Her: The earth

Me: The sun

Categories Dating, humorous

Election Year Special: Romney Magic Underwear

September 30, 2012 //

Get them while they’re hot and still in stock! Mormoncorp America is offering special Mitt Romney Magic Underwear ™ for a limited time! Fifty percent of all proceeds go to the Romney Is King And Will Solve All Of America’s Ills Fund, with the other fifty percent filtered into one of his Cayman Islands bank accounts.

Here’s what you get for only 19 easy payments of $49.99 each!

Soft, silky undergarments approved by the Grand Poohbah of The Church of Latter Day Saints. Think your 2000-count bedsheets are comfy? Check out these million-count bad boys. You will literally cream your delusional outerpants.

After your Endowment Ceremony, you can stroll confidently into temple, knowing your body is protected from evil by top-notch fabric created by Mormon silkworms who have dedicated their entire lives to the teachings of Joseph Smith. We inject them with powerful steroids, too, so there’s that.

Each garment is ornately-stitched with an “MR” as a constant reminder from The Almighty that Mitt is the true savior of America and, really, all mankind. And you’d better not forget it.

MRMU is 100% guaranteed to protect you from temptation, like when you see those appealing and sexy Bud Light commercials on TV and really want to taste one. It’ll cut that shit right out of your brain. We swear. Plus, it’s Bud. Be tempted by some good beer, for God’s sake.

These heavenly undergarments will also remind you of your commitment to follow Jesus Christ by caressing your body with mind-blowing fabric, much like Jesus would caress you if he were alive today. Okay, probably not, but we have to push this overpriced crap.

Afraid of dying in a fiery car crash or of a prolonged, extremely painful disease? Have no fear. MRMU will ensure that you will live a long and prosperous life lived in faithful service of a false prophet. Who wouldn’t want that? And they extend to the knees, so your thighs are totally protected from any kind of mayhem.

As far as colors, MRMU is available only in chaste and pure white. What, you want different colors to express your individuality? Get with the program, hell-bound heathen.

So act now and get your commemorative Joseph Smith gold coin for absolutely no additional charge! It’s not really gold, but it still has JS’s face on it, so you can pull it out of your MRSU special faux-gold-coin pocket and gaze upon his countenance anytime you feel the spirit of Christ ruing the fact that you’ve chosen to join a ridiculous cult!

All major credit cards accepted. Personal checks also accepted as long as you add “Mitt Will Save America Or I’ll Blow My Head Off” in the memo line. Act now! Supplies are limited, as far as you know! Really, you’re Mormon, so you’ll believe pretty much anything, right?

Categories humorous

Zoosk Scammers, Get a Life

September 28, 2012 //

About a month ago, I signed up for the dating site Zoosk, one of the more popular ones on Facebook. It’s the first paid site I’ve used.

There have been a few actual conversations with actual women. Most of those end with them going on and on about their kids. One divorcee was actually interesting, then confessed she’s married and cheats on her husband with guys she meets online. Oh yeah, and her cute photo is 16 years old, and she’s gained quite a bit of weight since then. Thanks for the deception, adulteress.

But far and away the most messages are from overseas spammers/scammers. They use a photo of the best-looking woman they can find, and the rap goes, more or less (taken from an actual message):

Hi handsome I am new to this dating site here,I am looking for an honest man who is open, generous,will love, respect and be compassionate with himself and others. he must be honest, caring, sincere, affectionate,Open minded and hearted individuals a serious relationship,fun and ultimately love with the right person.I want to find someone that I can be myself with, and share myself with. I am a very happy person full of life and laughter with a great sense of humor, and i will love to know more about you too, so here is my email address: (chopped-up Yahoo address)so we can share pictures Email me now that is the best way you can get in touch with me i am not really use to this site waiting to hear back from you soon or drop me your cell phone # so I can Text you.

Hmmmm…you signed up for a paid site to chat, but I have to e-mail you or give you my phone number? Sounds legit.

I’ve done the online thing for years, and this is quite common. But I was curious as to how it worked, so I sent a “what’s up?” e-mail to one.

He/she wrote back, in broken English, and sent a few photos. Nice. Overly suggestive and fake, but nice. Then he/she insisted on going to Yahoo chat. Okey-doke.

He/she claimed to be from Ghana.

ME: Your profile says you’re from Chicago.

HE/SHE: I am new to dating site, I am in Ghana

ME: Why did you say you’re from Chicago?

HE/SHE: As I said I am new to site, I am looking for good man

Then he/she kept insisting that I add him/her to my Yahoo contacts.

ME: Why do I need to do that?

HE/SHE: So we can chat

ME: We’re chatting now.

HE/SHE: (some lame excuse why I HAD to add to contacts)

He/she left, saying it was bedtime, but that he/she wanted to chat at roughly 4 p.m., my time, the following day.

At around 1 p.m. the next day, I got a message from him/her – only using a different name.

ME: You’re name’s different today than it was yesterday.

HE/SHE: What do you mean

ME: Yesterday you were (name), today you’re (different name).

HE/SHE: Why are you talking this way I am new to this

I dropped the whole thing. I assume they get you to add to Yahoo contacts (which I obviously didn’t do), then hack your computer somehow. Or maybe they try to get money from you if they can drag you out long enough.

I wonder how many guys fall for this. I must be quite a few, because they’re certainly incessant with me. Now, just to be ornery, I respond with, “You’re fake, and I’ve alerted the American authorities.” Hey, I gotta amuse myself somehow.

Categories humorous

Punk Rock Serendipity

September 26, 2012 //

Several months ago, I stopped by one of the Palatine watering holes for their hot wing special. I planned on getting a dozen to go.

I was wearing a t-shirt bearing the logo of one of my favorite punk bands, The Vandals. It’s the cover of their first EP, “Peace Thru Vandalism.”

I walked in at about 4 p.m. – I think it was a Wednesday. There were about five people at various seats around the bar. As soon as I walked in, a guy at the end of the bar turned and said, “hey, I like that shirt.”

It took me a little by surprise, because even though The Vandals have been around forever and have a dozen or so albums, it seems NOBODY in the Midwest has heard of them.

The guy was sitting with a friend. I came around the bar, pointed to the shirt, and said, “heard of them?”

He said, “my brother played bass on that album.”

“No way.”

“I’m serious. Steve Pfauter. Only album of theirs he ever played on.”

I’m a fairly big fan of the band, but they’ve had so many personnel changes over the years it’s hard to keep track. But I was definitely intrigued.

He told me his name was Tommy. He went on to explain that his older brother, Steve, is still in CA (The Vandals are an L.A. band). After The Vandals EP, he went on to form Detox, then he really DID go into detox, fell out of the music scene, and now does part-time housepainting and is a set dresser for movies.

We talked for a while, mostly about Steve and his post-rehab life. Tommy was in the bar with his partner for a quick beer before they finished the day on his road construction crew. The wings I’d ordered were ready, so I bid them adieu and told them it was nice chatting with them.

As I left, Tommy said, “no, really. Look it up. Steve Pfauter, played bass on that album.”

I got home and checked it out – everything he said was true. Not that I doubted him; that would’ve been an elaborate ruse to pull on a complete stranger. Plus, he was a nice guy.

POINT OF THE STORY: What are the chances of 1. My choosing that particular shirt that day (I have a dozen or so band shirts), and 2. One of five barflies in suburban Chicago happening to be the brother of the bass player on an obsure EP by a relatively-obscure L.A. punk band?

Rock and roll serendipity, man. It never ceases to amaze me.

Tommy said something that amused me: “I never liked that kind of music. That song ‘Anarchy Burger, Hold the Government’? That’s just a bunch of noise.”

I had to agree. That song IS just a bunch of noise.

Categories humorous

The Womanly Take on Boyfriends

September 24, 2012 //

At the recent library used book sale, I bought A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend: For Every Guy Who Wants to Be One, For Every Girl Who Wants to Build One! by Felicity Huffman (actress best known for Desperate Housewives) and Patricia Wolff (movie and TV producer).

It’s some very funny and insightful stuff. Here are a few excerpts.

—

Phrases to translate: Practical cheat sheet for the boyfriend (or, what the heck does she mean?)

SHE SAYS … SHE MEANS

“You’re working too hard.” … “You’re not spending enough time with me.”

“I don’t want presents for my birthday.” … “Get me something anyway – surprise me!”

“What are you thinking about?” … “Do you still love me?”

“Do you find Carol attractive?” … “But I’m prettier, right?”

“Are you in therapy?” … “I really like you – God, I hope you have your shit together.” (This is a compliment.)

“How are the eggs?” … “Don’t you think I’m the best girl who ever made you anything in your whole life?”

“No, honey, I’m fine.” …”You’ve really made me sad/angry/upset, and let’s have a long talk about it.”

“Well, I think I’d better go.” … “Beg me to stay.”

“What do your friends think about us?” … “Are you falling in love with me?”

“Do you want to talk about it?” … “I wanna talk about it.”

“Are you too tired to stay over?” … “I want you to stay over.”

“Fuck you, I can’t stand you.” … “Fuck you, I can’t stand you.”

—

While women are receptive to meeting a potential BF in nearly any situation, we are also hardwired to reject the pickup artist. Some things we’ve heard and never want to hear again:

Do you work for the post office? Because I could have sworn you were checking out my package.

The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I’ll arm-wrestle you for some pussy.

You can’t be first, but you may be next.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

You had me at hello.

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

—

Online dating is like real estate. You’ve got to know the code. Every homebuyer understands that “cozy” means “cramped,” that “partial view” means “dark and depressing,” and that “great potential” means “money pit.” It’s the same thing with dating. Be a smart shopper. Make sure you understand the lexicon.

Animal-loving = Crazy lady with eighteen cats

Healthy and athletic = Twenty pounds overweight

Free spirit = Slut, wears patchouli

My mother would be horrified = Will bring a copy of Modern Bride to your first date

Caring woman = Over forty, long braid down her back, bakes banana bread

Spunky blonde who loves Nintendo = Jailbait, or wizened, bleached, sixty-year-old crazy

Laid-back = Hasn’t worked since she volunteered for McGovern

Intelligent is sexy = Pork-chop ugly

Girls just want to have fun = Chunky sorority girl

Ciao = Uses foreign words, doesn’t know the language, a poseur

Princess Charming = High maintenance

Is chivalry still alive? = Whiner with a bad track record

—

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY ON THE FIRST DATE:

1. You look like my mother.

2. You look a lot like my ex-girlfriend.

3. You can walk from here.

4. I just did that to freak you out.

5. I’m thinking of swans. They mate for life.

6. Your nose looks like your friend’s, only hers is fatter.

7. You have beautiful legs; they’d look great wrapped around my neck.

8. I can tell you’re not fat ‘cause of your arms.

9. Sorry, I’m a little out of it, I have a sex hangover.

10. I love this place, I just brought a date here yesterday.

Categories humorous

Street People Etiquette

July 31, 2012 //

For many years, I worked in the River North area. I’d take the train in, then walk about 20 minutes to work. Along the way, I heard every street sob story you can think of. Nice-shirt-and-tie white guys are juicy targets.

Here’s how I viewed it: if you’re out on the streets of Chicago bothering people for money, you must really need money. I understand, times are tough.

But, like everybody who passes you by, I also want you to work for your money. So here are my simple rules:

Don’t stop me. If I’m walking, I need to get somewhere. If you want to do an Aaron Sorkin walk-and-talk, that’s fine. I mean, you’re probably going to do it anyway.

BE ORIGINAL. If you at least put some effort into it, and have a sunny disposition, and can ad-lib pretty well, and amuse me at least somewhat, I’ll give you a buck.

If you haven’t memorized your material and have no confidence whatsoever, scram. No soup for you. Clean your desk out immediately.

Appearances don’t matter to me, but if you reek to high heaven, just move along quickly.

P.S. I have a finite amount of cigarettes. They’re expensive. I think giving 70% of my pack to you people is quite generous. And quit trying to pocket my lighter.

FUN FACT

One of the more popular scams was the “out-of-gas” bit. A guy would stand there with a gas can, then say something about needing money for gas, his car’s down the road, his wife’s in labor, he’s trying desperately to stop an assassination attempt, etc.

One day I saw one of those guys. I had to take action. He started his rap and I said, “look, man, if you’re going to scam people, at least be original. I’ve seen this about a dozen times.” Then I walked away happy, knowing I’d given sound business advice to an upstart American entrepreneur.

EPILOGUE

On my last visit to the city not long ago, I met up with family members for drinks on a weeknight. Many hours later, about midnight, I was walking down Wacker Drive from the subway to the train station. Then a very lively old dude approached and chatted me up. There was no one else on the streets.

He was a hoot. For about five blocks – and we were walking at a slow inebriated pace — he was going on about his ex-wives. And, of course, he needed money, but the guy had some material. I was playing the straight man. He loved it. We were like Redd Foxx and Dean Martin (I was Dean Martin). We both laughed a lot.

I ended up giving him my wallet. I was really drunk that night.

Categories humorous