Get them while they’re hot and still in stock!  Mormoncorp America is offering special Mitt Romney Magic Underwear ™ for a limited time!  Fifty percent of all proceeds go to the Romney Is King And Will Solve All Of America’s Ills Fund, with the other fifty percent filtered into one of his Cayman Islands bank accounts.


Here’s what you get for only 19 easy payments of $49.99 each!


Soft, silky undergarments approved by the Grand Poohbah of The Church of Latter Day Saints.  Think your 2000-count bedsheets are comfy?  Check out these million-count bad boys.  You will literally cream your delusional outerpants.

After your Endowment Ceremony, you can stroll confidently into temple, knowing your body is protected from evil by top-notch fabric created by Mormon silkworms who have dedicated their entire lives to the teachings of Joseph Smith.  We inject them with powerful steroids, too, so there’s that.

Each garment is ornately-stitched with an “MR” as a constant reminder from The Almighty that Mitt is the true savior of America and, really, all mankind.  And you’d better not forget it.

MRMU is 100% guaranteed to protect you from temptation, like when you see those appealing and sexy Bud Light commercials on TV and really want to taste one.  It’ll cut that shit right out of your brain.  We swear.  Plus, it’s Bud.  Be tempted by some good beer, for God’s sake.

These heavenly undergarments will also remind you of your commitment to follow Jesus Christ by caressing your body with mind-blowing fabric, much like Jesus would caress you if he were alive today.  Okay, probably not, but we have to push this overpriced crap.

Afraid of dying in a fiery car crash or of a prolonged, extremely painful disease?  Have no fear.  MRMU will ensure that you will live a long and prosperous life lived in faithful service of a false prophet.  Who wouldn’t want that?  And they extend to the knees, so your thighs are totally protected from any kind of mayhem.

As far as colors, MRMU is available only in chaste and pure white.  What, you want different colors to express your individuality?  Get with the program, hell-bound heathen.


So act now and get your commemorative Joseph Smith gold coin for absolutely no additional charge!  It’s not really gold, but it still has JS’s face on it, so you can pull it out of your MRSU special faux-gold-coin pocket and gaze upon his countenance anytime you feel the spirit of Christ ruing the fact that you’ve chosen to join a ridiculous cult!


All major credit cards accepted.  Personal checks also accepted as long as you add “Mitt Will Save America Or I’ll Blow My Head Off” in the memo line.  Act now!  Supplies are limited, as far as you know!  Really, you’re Mormon, so you’ll believe pretty much anything, right?