Eulogy For My Dad

August 8, 2015 //

My father passed away 7/22/15. A memorial service was held yesterday, 8/7.

I wrote a short eulogy, but the service didn’t include guest speakers, so I didn’t get a chance to give it.

Anyway, here it is. Pretend you’re reading it in my voice.

I’ll try to talk slowly, because the main things my father ever scolded me for were talking too fast and owning a Japanese car. So I’ll try to meet halfway.

I’ve often thought of my father as a perfect combination of three comedic talents: Johnny Carson, Dick Van Dyke, and Steve Martin. His sense of humor was outstanding, and I’m glad I inherited that from him. He loved All In The Family and The Carol Burnett Show. We watched those shows many times together, and laughed a lot.

My father loved cars. He was a car guy; he was the go-to man for any car question. And he loved driving. In the 1950’s, he’d use his own car and enter stock car races at the track near Pittsfield. When I was in grade school, he’d often take me to local stock car races. We’d have a great time discussing the body designs and picking which cars would win.

My father loved boats. He loved water skiing and driving his modest speedboat around Carlyle Lake or Lake Bloomington. On Sundays when church ended, he’d invite people to go out on the boat that afternoon. Many times, they’d have other obligations and would decline the invitation. I always went, so there were many times we were out on the lake, just the two of us. He’d drive while I water skied, then I’d drive while he skied. It was really a great time for both of us, and I’m glad he knew I’d always go with him.

I’d like to share a couple of my father’s recurring quotes that always amused me when I was a kid.

I’d say, “Let’s go do (whatever).” He’d say, “Let’s don’t and say we did.”

I’d ask an obvious question and he’d say, “Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.”

I miss everything about my father, but I think what I’ll miss most is his advice and support. He was a very wise man and gave me many good pieces of wisdom. And you couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader. He was there for you any time you needed him, and he supported any endeavor you undertook. In good times or bad, my sister and I knew we could count on him.

So, in conclusion, dad, I hope you’re up there right now cruising on the coolest speedboat ever on the most beautiful lake imaginable, and winning the Daytona 500 every day.

Categories Eulogy

Just A Friendly Reminder

August 2, 2015 //

Okay, this is a minor beef, but just so you know:

You should always refer to recorded art (books, albums, movies, etc.) in the present tense.

CORRECT: “The Godfather is a good movie.”

Context: It continues to be a good movie and will do so until the end of time.

INCORRECT: “The Godfather was a good movie.”

Context: I used to think it was good, but I don’t anymore.

Remember, just because you experienced it in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t still exist.

“That IS a good movie. That IS a good book. That IS a good song.”

Performance art is different. “That concert was great” is expected.

That is all. As you were, soldier.

Categories Uncategorized

Wes Craven, Please Work Your Magic

July 19, 2015 //

I’m not a huge horror movie fan, but I appreciate any good film that can creep me out or make me jump.

I only have a marginal interest in vampire, werewolf, zombie, monster, alien, etc. stuff. I find the “slasher” genre to be interesting because the threats are human psychopaths. I guess it makes it seem a little more real.

I saw a documentary recently on the history of the genre titled Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film. Interesting movie, and it really made me appreciate writer/director Wes Craven.

His first film (outside of directing some hardcore adult stuff) was The Last House On The Left in 1972. It was one of the more popular bloody exploitation films of the early 70s, and is still a cult favorite. It’s basically a revenge story, but it has a particularly vicious tone to it, especially for the time of release (and it’s still hard to watch).

His third film, The Hills Have Eyes, came out in 1977. It’s another cult favorite, about a family terrorized by cannibalistic inbred mountain folk. Like Last House On The Left, it’s gritty and disturbing.

A year later, John Carpenter’s Halloween came out and, to me, started the whole modern motif of a killer (or killers) terrorizing teenagers in a confined area.

But the emphasis on blood ‘n’ guts and gruesome makeup effects really started in 1980 with Prom Night and Friday The 13^th. From that point on, it seemed like every week there was some kind of formulaic knock-off – usually with a holiday as the theme.

After a few years, moviegoers were getting tired of slasher flicks. Seeing the same thing over and over was getting boring. The genre was dying.

During this time, Craven was fascinated with a story about a man who hadn’t slept in years. The man was terrified that a spirit would kill him if he slept. His family finally convinced him to go to sleep. They soon heard screams coming from his room; when they investigated, he stopped screaming and died. You can guess what idea this story inspired.

A Nightmare On Elm Street was released in 1984. If you’re old like me, you remember what a smash hit it was. Craven had basically reinvented the genre. Sure, there’s a creepy guy stalking and cutting up teenagers with glove-knives, but he does it IN YOUR DREAMS WHILE YOU SLEEP. How are you going to avoid sleep? And is Freddy a monster? A vengeful ghost? Just a crispy-fried man? He’s an unstoppable wisecracker, that’s for certain.

The genre was rejuvenated for a while, and Nightmare was particularly hot. Four sequels followed through 1989. And other independent low-budget straight-to-DVD titles generally sold well.

In 1991, The Silence Of The Lambs won the Best Picture Academy Award. While not technically a slasher film, the main bad guy kills and skins women to make a suit, and the secondary bad guy is a brilliant psychopathic murderous cannibal…so there’s that. Anyway, the horror genre in general got a popularity boost.

Then came Craven’s Scream in 1996. Granted, he didn’t write it, but it’s wonderfully directed. It’s a typical slasher set-up, but the killer’s a cinema buff who knows everything about horror movies. The victims, as well, are aware of all the horror film clichés. By making a quality movie that’s so jokingly tongue-in-cheek, he reinvented the genre again.

Side note: It’s the highest-grossing slasher movie, earning $173 million. There are three sequels.

POINT OF THE STORY: Craven is obviously a talented director with a flair for horror. He didn’t start out making slashers, but he’s put a new spin on and revitalized the genre twice. So I’m asking:

Dear Mr. Craven,

Please direct another movie with a brilliant twist on the slasher genre. We promise we’ll watch it. You are a genius and we film fans need you to step up here. Thanks! Happy filmmaking!

XOXO,

Gary and the rest of the world

Categories Movies

Get Off The Stage

July 8, 2015 //

When I started doing stand-up many years ago, I went to lots of open-mic nights. You didn’t get paid (unless you emceed, then you got $2 and a drink), but you got a little exposure, and once in a while there was an interested agent in the crowd.

You got about 5 minutes stage time, and each week I’d try 5 new minutes, then keep things that worked, and so on.

But there were some guys/gals who did the same five minutes WEEK AFTER WEEK. And they might get one pity laugh the whole time. This would go on for months.

The first time I got onstage, I didn’t have my guitar. I just did stupid rookie jokes, but I got a decent response. The next time, I took the acoustic onstage, did a couple of songs, and saw my true purpose in life.

But why would you come back, week after week, to hardly any response at all? Especially when you’ve seen the other comics get a good response?

I think there may be some deep emotional scars there that even Dr. Phil can’t fix.

Categories humorous

That Whole Marriage Thing

July 1, 2015 //

Last week, the Supreme Court established that same-sex marriage is now legal all across the U.S. of A.

As soon as I heard the news, I knew exactly which of my social media friends would shout “YES! About time! Progress!” and which would post right-wing rants against it (I grew up in small Midwestern towns, which explains much of the latter). It’s rather polarizing.

A couple of years ago, Rachel Maddow was on Real Time with Bill Maher. In case you live under a rock, Rachel is gay. Bill asked what her stance is on the issue. She replied, “Well, I’m against marriage.” I totally agree.

As Doug Stanhope pondered, “if marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it?” Think about it – you fall in love, you want to buy a house and live together, you want to have children. Would you say to yourself, “let’s get the government involved; we’ll pay a fee and sign a legally-binding contact, and if we decide to part ways down the road, it’ll cost us a shitload to get out of that contract”? My guess is you wouldn’t come up with that asinine idea.

The only advantages I can see to marriage are minor tax breaks, perhaps getting on your spouse’s better health insurance plan and, if you’re going to have children, they can grow up saying “mommy and daddy (or daddy and daddy or mommy and mommy) are married.” That doesn’t seem like much incentive.

Supposedly there are passages in The Bible that state marriage should be between a man and a woman. I haven’t read The Bible in many years – I find it rather preachy – but I’m pretty sure those passages were written by heterosexual men with some sort of 2,000-year-old agenda.

I’m always happy when a minority gets the same rights as the majority. So I’m all for the right, but really question the end objective.

In conclusion, congrats to the gay community. You’ve worked long and hard for this. But seriously think about marriage before you jump into it. It’s an antiquated concept that, in this day and age, really only benefits wedding planners, reception DJs, and divorce attorneys. I was married for 11 years and honestly would never consider it again. If you really love each other and want to spend your lives together, you don’t need a piece of paper.

Categories Uncategorized

Give The Kid Some Credit

June 18, 2015 //

A few years ago, I started my first screenplay. This is probably as far as it will go. The general idea is that the main character moves to Hollywood with the goal of getting his name in the credits of as many movies as possible. There’s a love interest (with the same goal as him, and thus competition), a rival villain actor, and a sleazy low-rent agent (think Danny DeVito). Ah well, maybe someday it’ll come to fruition…

P.S. the formatting’s a bit off, but you get the picture.

GIVE THE KID SOME CREDIT

INT: APARTMENT, BEDROOM, MORNING

Close-up on a stack of movie DVDs, titles visible. The camera pans slowly up; eventually we reveal that there are thousands of DVDs. The titles are widely varied; classic comedies, film noir, foreign films, blockbusters, etc. We pan back to show that they are stacked in a small bedroom with movie posters plastered on the walls. Pan out to the hallway of the apartment to another bedroom door; it opens and STEVE, 26, yawning and in boxer shorts, staggers out. We follow him out to the living room where he sits on a ratty couch next to his roommate JAKE, 24, who is engrossed in watching a movie on TV.

STEVE

What’s for breakfast?

JAKE

Satan’s Cheerleaders, 1977.

STEVE

Ah, a light snack for you this

morning. No heavy Schindler’s

List stuff.

STEVE produces a bong, lights it, and takes a hit.

STEVE

Up all night?

JAKE

Crashed about two, got up about

five.

STEVE

Anything good on?

JAKE

Attack of the fifty-foot woman.

Gotta love that giant fake hand.

STEVE

I remember that hand. It would make

my penis look incredibly small.

JAKE

Do you always have to make dick jokes

as soon as you get up?

STEVE

You know you love it.

STEVE takes another hit as JAKE clicks the remote to pause the movie. It is paused on a few insignificant characters onscreen.

JAKE

Look at that.

STEVE

What? A bunch of losers in a grade-Z

movie who are probably dead by now?

JAKE

The guy on the right. He’s in the

credits as Cop number three.

STEVE

So?

JAKE

So? The guy probably spent a day or

two shooting, got enough money to pay

his gas bill, and got his name in the

credits.

STEVE

Who cares? Nobody stays for the credits.

JAKE

I beg to differ. I’ve seen thousands

of movies, and I’ve watched the credits

of every one. Did you know that “Hooper”

started the trend of showing outtakes

during the credits?

STEVE

Did you know I don’t give a shit?

JAKE glances at a clock on the wall.

JAKE

Crap, gotta go.

JAKE heads to the door.

STEVE

Another day in paradise.

JAKE

Hey, it pays the rent, and it beats

the hell out of your job. Besides, the

(hot DVD movie at the time) special

edition comes out next month. Gotta

save up.

STEVE

You know, I’ve known guys who are

obsessed with pussy, obsessed with cars,

obsessed with booze, money, whatever.

But I’ve never known a guy as obsessed

with movies as you are.

JAKE

” Obsessed” makes me sound like a stalker.

I prefer passion. I have a passion for

film. It comforts me, it challenges me,

it intrigues me, it makes me laugh, it

even makes me feel sexy.

STEVE

I thought I did all that.

JAKE

(chuckles)

Later, dude.

JAKE exits.

EXT: ANDERSON INSURANCE COMPANY, DAY

A small insurance building.

INT: SAME, DAY

A small but bustling office. JAKE is sitting at a desk in a cubicle, entering data into a computer from a stack of papers. There is movie memorabilia all over his cube. Over his shoulder we see that he frequently flips the computer screen from his data entry software to several movie forum websites.

JAKE

(reading a site)

Iron Man 2 is better than Iron Man.

You gotta be shitting me, VincentVega94.

He starts to type a response when his boss, JOAN, 45, approaches

his desk and startles him. He awkwardly switches screens.

JOAN

Morning, Jake. Got a minute?

JAKE

Sure.

JOAN

Come to my office.

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, DAY

JOAN and JAKE enter, each taking a seat on their respective sides of the desk.

JOAN

First of all, how’s your mother?

JAKE

Fine. Still keeping books at the hardware

store.

JOAN

Good. It’s been ages since I talked to her.

Things tend to get crazy…anyway, Jake, let

me ask you something: do you like your job?

JAKE

(thinks)

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

JOAN

You don’t sound very convincing.

JAKE

I punch numbers into a computer all day.

I know there are worse things I could be

doing, but it just doesn’t hold my interest.

JOAN

Well, I hope that changes soon, because I

called you in here to talk about your

performance.

JOAN produces some paperwork.

JOAN

I’ve had several complaints lately.

Invoice codes entered incorrectly, sometimes

pertinent information on J-6 spreadsheets

left out completely. This isn’t hard stuff,

Jake. Is everything okay?

JAKE

Yeah. I guess I just sometimes get

distracted.

JOAN

You know what I think? I think you think

about movies too much. It’s all you talk

about with anyone. Hell, most of us don’t

even know what movies you’re talking about

half the time.

JAKE

(a little defensive)

I could be like Anne and come in hopped up

on Vicodin every day.

JOAN’s POV: from out of her office window we see a woman, presumably ANNE, slide out of her desk chair.

JOAN

(sighs)

Just get your head in the game, okay? I’d

hate to tell your mom I had to can you.

JAKE nods.

INT: ANDERSON INSURANCE, DAY

JAKE returns to his desk and stares blankly at the computer screen. His desk phone rings; he answers.

JAKE

Anderson Insurance, Jake speaking.

JAKE’s mother, SANDRA, is on the line.

SANDRA

(on phone)

Hi, sweety. How’s work?

JAKE

Good, mom. Joan says hello.

SANDRA

That’s nice. Sweety, I have some bad

news.

From this point on in the conversation, SANDRA’s voice is shaky.

SANDRA

Aunt Mary passed away this morning.

Heart attack, poor thing.

JAKE

(stunned)

Oh no. I always liked aunt Mary.

SANDRA

And she always adored you, son. I hate to

bother you with this news at work, but I

thought you should know right away. I’ll

talk to you later about the arrangements.

JAKE

Are you okay, mom?

SANDRA

Yes, sweety. You just keep doing well at

work. We’ll talk later. Love you.

JAKE

Love ya too, mom.

He slowly hangs up.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN TO:

INT: CAR, DAY

JAKE sits in the passenger seat as SANDRA, 50, drives. They are both dressed up.

SANDRA

That was a lovely ceremony. Reverend

Stanton gave a wonderful eulogy, and

the flowers were beautiful.

JAKE

I’m really gonna miss aunt Mary. She

was the only relative who “got” me.

SANDRA shoots him a stern glance.

JAKE

And my mother, of course. It’s just that

she knew I love movies, and she loved

them, too.

SANDRA

I like movies.

JAKE

You like “Steel Magnolias.”

SANDRA

That’s a movie, isn’t it?

JAKE

I suppose, if you’re an old lady.

They both laugh.

JAKE

Every birthday and Christmas, she gave me

a movie, remember? And they were always movies

I liked. She got me all my Star Wars films,

early Peter Jackson stuff, even a few rare

foreign movies. Remember the Freddy Krueger

doll she gave me? Still in my room, still

in the box. You know what her favorite movie

was? Apocalypse Now. How cool is that? What

fifty-three-year-old woman’s favorite movie is

Apocalypse Now?

SANDRA

I always enjoyed seeing you two get along

so well. You really had lively conversations

during the holidays. She certainly was a

special person. We all have fond memories

of her.

EXT: CEMETERY ROAD, DAY

The car pulls over and parks, as do several others. We see they are in a funeral procession near the gravesite.

INT: CAR, DAY

SANDRA

Sweety, I need to tell you something. You know

aunt Mary was well-off, right?

JAKE

I knew she did okay at her marketing job, and

made some good investments.

SANDRA

I talked to uncle Bert this morning. He’s executor

of Mary’s estate. Mary left you some money.

JAKE

(surprised)

Really.

SANDRA

Yes. I don’t know how much, exactly, but he’ll

be mailing it to you soon. I just have some

paperwork for you to sign when we’re done today.

JAKE

Will I be able to retire to a tropical island

with hula girls and fruity drinks?

SANDRA

That’s a little far-fetched, sweety, but I

think you’ll find she was very generous with

you.

They exit the car.

INT: APARTMENT, LATE AFTERNOON

SUBTITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER

STEVE enters with a small box and some other mail. JAKE, as usual, is watching a movie.

STEVE

Hey, I think you got your check from Publisher’s

Clearing House. I hope your subscription to

Home & Garden was worth it.

He hands the box to JAKE. He opens it. There’s an envelope and a wooden cigar box inside.

STEVE

Cigars! Your aunt kicked ass.

JAKE opens the cigar box. He pulls out a small Star Wars stormtrooper figurine.

STEVE

Well, you can’t smoke it, but it’s

pretty cool.

There’s also a note. JAKE reads it.

JAKE

“Jake, you were always my favorite nephew.

You have great things in you. Use my gift

to follow your dreams. Love, Mary.”

STEVE

I hope she doesn’t mean the stormtrooper.

Open the envelope, Bill Gates.

JAKE opens the envelope, pulls out the check, and stares at it. He is dumbstruck.

JAKE

Whoa.

STEVE slides over and looks at the check. We now see it: the amount is $125,000.

STEVE

Holy shit. Your aunt left you a quarter

-million dollars.

JAKE

(still absorbing)

It’s an eighth of a million, dipshit.

STEVE

Still, damn. Can I have a few grand? I

want to get a boob job.

JAKE just stares at the check.

DAYDREAM SEQUENCE: JAKE is an actor, on the set of a low-budget film. He points a gun at another actor and fires. The other actor falls and dies dramatically. The fallen actor wears a shirt that says “Jake’s dead-end old life.” JAKE blows the smoke from the barrel of the gun and winks at the camera. The other actors and crew break into applause. A woman on the set looks at him and beams. She’s very proud of him. He smiles at her and mouths, “Thank you, aunt Mary.”

STEVE

Dude, snap out of it. You’re a lucky

bastard. You just got six figures handed

to you by a great roommate who just happens

to take large donations.

JAKE

(quietly)

I know what I have to do.

STEVE

If you say “donate it all to P.E.T.A.,” I

swear I’ll kick you in the nuts SO hard…

INT: JOAN’S OFFICE, MORNING

JOAN is sitting at her desk typing on her keyboard when JAKE enters and quickly takes a seat. He’s dressed way down from normal office attire and is very excited.

JOAN

Morning, Jake. Can I help you?

JAKE

Morning. I quit.

JOAN

What?

JAKE

I quit. I am…no longer in your employ.

JOAN

But Jake…you were improving…

JAKE

You were right. I think about movies too

much. That’s why I’m quitting and moving

to L.A.

JOAN

This is all pretty sudden. Did you meet

some L.A. girl online who’s also a movie

freak?

JAKE

No, though that would be nice. I’m going

to get my name in the credits of as many

movies as I can. My personal goal is a

thousand. But I tend to aim low.

JOAN

I see. And you have money for this?

JAKE

My aunt Mary left me some. She was an

awesome lady.

He stands to leave.

JAKE

Well, Joan, thanks for three years of

employment. You did me and my mom a

big favor by hiring me. But now I must

say goodbye to a few former coworkers

and ride off into the sunset of Hollywood.

She comes from behind the desk and gives him a hug.

JOAN

This is pretty bizarre, Jake, but we’ll

miss you. I’d wish you luck, but I know

you’ll hit this one out of the park.

Movies are just in your blood.

JAKE

Just out of curiosity, who’s going to

replace me?

JOAN

Hmmm…I’m thinking Anne.

Shot of ANNE: She’s passed out on her desk and nearly sliding off.

Categories humorous, Screenplay

Too Much Mr. Nice Guy

April 24, 2015 //

“You’re too nice.”

I’ve heard this many times in my life, both at jobs and from women.

I’ve never quite understood it. Isn’t being nice a virtue, given all the cruelty and inhumanity to man in the world?

Take my last job (please *rim shot*). A customer (read: trucking company) would mess up. My boss, a totally not-nice dickhead, would tell me, “call them and kick their ass.” I’d call them and firmly but professionally voice my displeasure. Then I’d get ripped for “not kicking their ass.” They got the message that they fucked up and it shouldn’t happen again –- isn’t that the point? Why be a deliberate asshole? And I’m not sure I want a job where being “too nice” is a detriment.

And, let’s face it, nice guys don’t generally rate high with women. I was constantly friendzoned in high school because of niceness. Women like a guy who’s at least somewhat of a dick, likes to argue, and who gets pissed off about things. I’m just not that way, and I don’t see changing anytime soon. It’s like telling a murderous psychopath, “just mellow out and don’t kill people.” It’s not in my nature.

Several people along the way have tried to provoke me into fights. Never happened; I’ve always calmly talked my way out of fisticuffs with insecure macho dudes. (If you’re stupid enough to provoke me for no reason, you’re easily stupid enough to be talked out of imbecilic violence.)

I think it stems from my upbringing. I was raised in a nice, religious family. There were very few arguments and they were all resolved amicably. Everyone was nice.

Really, it all boils down to the golden rule: I don’t treat people in ways I wouldn’t want to be treated. And if that means I’m “too nice,” then I weep for humanity.

Categories humorous

We Must Protect Our Borders

March 29, 2015 //

TO: The Honorable Governor of the Precarious State of Illinois, Bruce Rauner

Mr. Governor Bruce (can I call you Bruce?), I write to you today not as a military or political advisor, or as a person who really knows much about the military or politics, or even as a relatively intelligent man. I write to you as a super-concerned citizen who feels he must warn you of the dangers of deadly invasion from all heathen states that border our great state of Illinois.

They’re just sitting there, Governor, with their beady little bloodthirsty Midwestern eyes trained right on us. We must be prepared.

After exhaustive research, mostly from very questionable websites, here is my assessment of the situation:

Wisconsin

Population: 5.75 million

Military technology: Dairy-based

Base of operations: Milk farm somewhere southwest

Threat level: 8

These cheeseheads are just itchin’ to invade. They may look big and slow, but they have incredible reflexes. I say beef up the northern border with rabid Bears fans/Packers haters.

Iowa

Population: 3.71 million

Military technology: Ethanol-based

Base of operations: Corn farm somewhere east, probably in cahoots with the Wisconsin milk farm base

Threat level: 7

They’ve got their hawk eyes trained on us (Hawkeyes, get it?). But seriously, we need to get some hardcore troops ready in the northwest. They could pounce at any minute.

Missouri

Population: 6.06 million

Military technology: They got a few tricks up their sleeve

Base of operations: Gateway Arch, atop which is affixed a powerful laser cannon; there’s also a strong military complex inside Silver Dollar City in Branson

Threat level: 9

The “Show Me” state would really like to show us an ass-kickin’. I think they’re mad because they have no professional basketball team and we have the Bulls. Regardless, they want to annihilate us. Action must be taken immediately.

Kentucky

Population: 4.2 million

Military technology: Whisky bent and hell bound

Base of operations: Jim Beam distillery in Clermont, which holds a secret underground lair in which diabolical biological weapons are being rapidly researched

Threat level: 8.72

These boozed-up hillbillies would like nothing more than to slice our throats from ear to ear. They only border us a little, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. Get on it – they mean business.

Indiana

Population: 6.59 million

Military technology: It’s insane what these rubes come up with

Base of operations: Unknown; could be anywhere in that goddamned wasteland of a state

Threat level: 11

HOOSIERS WILL KILL US ALL! These heathens dream all night about charging the eastern border and disemboweling every last one of us. And they’re smarter than they look. Please maneuver 90% of all troops to prevent imminent invasion.

Michigan (lower threat)

They’re not really on our border, per se, but one day – and that day will come sooner than later – they will develop the technology to create crude watercraft. And when that day comes, and they decide they want to cross the lake, Chicago is in big trouble. I say keep a close eye on them.

Thank you for your time and God bless (please put the military into action immediately),

Gary

XOXO

Categories humorous, Politics

My Top Ten Favorite Britcoms

February 25, 2015 //

I’ve always loved British humor (or maybe I should write, “humour”), and I think the brits have some of the best situation comedies ever to appear on TV. Here are my top ten:

10. The Office (Ricky Gervais, Martin Freeman, MacKenzie Crook, Lucy Davis)

Spawned the massive U.S. hit show, but like many fans, I prefer the U.K. version. Gervais is great as the abrasive and egotistical boss, David Brent, and the supporting cast is excellent. One of the first mockumentary-style TV shows.

9. Absolutely Fabulous (Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha)

Who’d think two obnoxious drunken middle-aged women could be so damned entertaining? Lots of drinking, drug-taking, bad decisions…and laughs. Saunders really shows off her comedic talents, and Lumley’s Patsy is a self-centered hoot.

8. Father Ted (Dermot Morgan, Ardal O’Hanlon, Frank Kelly, Pauline McLynn)

Great premise: three priests are banished to a remote Scottish island for improper behavior, and have to deal with the eccentric locals and a ditzy housekeeper. Very funny cast. Co-created by Graham Linehan, who also created The IT Crowd.

7. Extras (Ricky Gervais, Ashley Jensen, Stephen Merchant)

Another hilarious Gervais show, with many cameos of stars playing themselves. Follows Andy and Maggie, who eke out a living as movie extras — but Merchant, as Andy’s inept agent, Darren, really makes the show for me.

6. Peep Show (David Mitchell, Robert Webb, Matt King)

The Brits are known for keeping their sitcom seasons short (often 2 – 4), and this is the longest-running one at 8 seasons. Follows two twenty-something London roommates as they cope with life and love; the “gimmick” is that each narrates his thoughts. Very funny, and some great comedic situations.

5. The IT Crowd (Chris O’Dowd, Richard Ayoade, Katherine Parkinson, Matt Berry)

Stumbled upon reruns of this on IFC many years ago and was immediately hooked. It’s about the tribulations of an understaffed and underappreciated IT department in a huge London corporation. Matt Berry is especially funny as the clueless and chauvinistic company boss.

4. The Young Ones (Rik Mayall, Adrian Edmondson, Nigel Planer, Christopher Ryan, Alexi Sayle)

One of the first “alternative comedy” britcoms, and “weird” doesn’t begin to describe it. Outrageous situations, musical numbers, and even some puppetry. Partake of some cannabis before you watch it and you just might pee your pants.

3. Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Tim McInnerty, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry)

This ran for four seasons, and each follows the misadventures of Edmund Blackadder (Atkinson) through a different era in British history. Wonderful cast and some terrifically funny dialogue. Baldrick (Robinson) as Blackadder’s idiot sidekick is especially humorous.

2. Spaced (Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson, Nick Frost, Mark Heap, Julia Deakin, Katy Carmichael)

Precursor to the brilliant films Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and The World’s End (Edgar Wright directed all the episodes). It’s about two broke Londonites (Pegg and Stevenson) who pretend to be a couple in order to rent an affordable apartment. The cast is superb, but Wright’s direction is what really makes it special.

1. Fawlty Towers (John Cleese, Prunella Scales, Andrew Sachs, Connie Booth)

To me, Basil Fawlty is easily one of the greatest comedic characters of all time, which catapults this to #1 on my list. Cleese is masterful at both verbal banter and physical comedy. Follows the antics of the owners and staff of a hotel in the fictional town of Torquay. Cleese based the character on a real-life hotel owner he’d encountered, which is both amusing and a little scary.

Honorable mention: Coupling (Jack Davenport, Gina Bellman, Sarah Alexander, Kate Islitt, Ben Miles, Richard Coyle)

Forget Friends, this is the REAL funny three-guys-three-gals sitcom. Watch it if you can, it’s got some great relationship insights.

Categories Uncategorized

Early Cuyler, Squid of Many Hats

January 10, 2015 //

Early Cuyler (voice of Unknown Hinson), star of Adult Swim’s Squidbillies, always wears a trucker hat. Here are some of the slogans that have graced such hats over eight seasons:

Free Hat Limit 1

Guns Don’t Kill People, They Just Make It Easy!!!

David Allen CEO Live in Macon

I Love Cock Fighting (“Fighting” in much smaller lettering)

Your Dumbass Idea Here

T’aint one T’aint the other!!!!!

Breathe If You’re Horny

Hold My Hat While I Have Sex With Your Wife!!!

Do Something With Your Life! Take Your Top Off!!!

Tell your Boobs to stop staring at my EYES!!!

Don’t blame me, I didn’t Vote!!!

Booty Hunter

Body for Pleasure Mind for Sin

Laugh So I Can See ‘Em Bounce!!

No Habla Jibber-Jabber!

Shoot First Ask Questions Never!

Emergency? Dial .357!!!!

Too Funk To Druck!!

I Support The Flat Tax ‘Cause I’m Flat Broke!

Honey, I’d Suck The Fart Out Of Your Car Seat!!!

Born to Die!!!

Nice Legs! What Time They Open?

Been There, Done That, Got This Hat!

I’ve Got Beer Googles! When I drink I know It all!!!

Vote YES To Legalize Midget Tossing

This Ain’t No Hat, It’s A Rag Top For A Sex Convertible!

I’m Going Nucking Futz!!

This Hat Contains Minimum 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Hats

My Other Hat is YOUR MOMMA!

Whiskey While You Work

I’m Did Asbestos I Can

Prom King 2005

Swayze Crazy

Nifty! Nifty! Look who’s 53!

World’s Greatest Illegitimate Daddy

Categories humorous