That Was One Cool Teacher

March 5, 2012 //

Hudson, IL, 1972. I was going into third grade. In small-town Hudson, there were only two teachers for each grade, and students were assigned to a teacher (supposedly) by random. You’d find out who your teacher was a few weeks before school started. You always hoped to get the nice (and, if female, hopefully pretty) one.

Unfortunately, I got Mrs. Tomassino. She wasn’t butt-ugly, but she had a reputation for being really mean. And two of my best friends were in the “nice” teacher’s class. The school year was going to be bleak.

As it turned out, Mrs. T wasn’t TOO bad…though she was the meanest teacher I’d had up to that point. She could certainly give you the verbal smackdown.

After a few weeks, she noticed that another kid and I would often finish our classwork several minutes before all the other kids in almost every period, and we’d get fidgety. So one day she had the two of us go to a corner of the room and face two desks together. She pulled out a box.

“Either of you know how to play chess?”

We didn’t, but we learned. She’d take a few minutes every day to show us strategies and such, and then the two of us were playing every day, every chance we got. We had our board set up in the corner, and we’d speed through the classwork even faster to rush over and get a few moves in before the next period started.

So that’s how I learned chess at age 8 — from a “mean” teacher who didn’t want me to be bored. I suppose if I were 8 now, she’d have had us playing some educational computer game.

I’ll take chess any day.

Categories humorous, Uncategorized

Monkee Tales

March 1, 2012 //

Davy Jones passed away this week. This excerpt is from Uncle John’s 4-Ply Bathroom Reader by The Bathroom Reader’s Institute.

HISTORY

On September 8, 1965, director Bob Rafaelson and producer Bert Schneider (as Raybert Productions) placed an ad in Variety magazine that read:

“Madness! Auditions

Folk & Rock Musicians-Singers

For Acting Roles in New TV Series

Running Parts for 4 Insane Boys, Age 17-21

Want Spirited Ben Frank’s Types

Have Courage To Work

Must Come Down For Interview”

The idea was to create an American version of the Beatles – a pre-fab four.

In all, 437 applicants showed up at Raybert’s offices trying to become the four finalists for a “musical situation comedy” called “The Monkees.” Among those rejected were Harry Nilsson, Paul Williams, Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night), Rodney Bingenheimer, Steven Stills and, according to legend, Charlie Manson. Eventually Rafaelson and Schneider narrowed it down to four: Davy Jones, Mickey Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, and Peter Tork. NBC bought the pilot, RCA agreed to distribute the records and almost overnight, the Monkees were a big phenomenon.

With corporate power and a crack creative team behind them (director Paul Mazursky co-wrote the pilot), the Monkees first single, “Last Train To Clarksville,” sold 250,000 copies before the series even debuted – despite the fact that the group did little more than sing on cue. Later it hit number one – as did the group’s first album…and the group’s second single…and the group’s second album…etc.

The show debuted in the 1966-67 season, and never rated highly. One problem: Many NBC affiliates refused to carry a show that had long-haired “hippie” types as the heroes. But it was a respected program. Most people weren’t aware that in addition to having hit records (including the #1 song of 1967, “I’m a Believer”), the Monkees won two Emmy awards for best sitcom.

At the end of the second season NBC cancelled the series, so the group concentrated its efforts on a movie called Head (now a cult classic) instead. It was released with little fanfare in 1968.

The group’s last project with all four members was a bizarre TV special entitled “33 1/3 Revolutions Per Monkee,” which featured Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino and Little Richard as guests. NBC ran the show against the Oscars, dooming it to obscurity. The Monkees themselves soon disappeared, splitting in 1970.

MONKEE FACTS

* In 1965, Peter Tork was playing with Stephen Stills in the Buffalo Fish – an early incarnation of the Buffalo Springfield. It was Stills, in fact, who tipped off Tork – then washing dishes for $50 a week – that TV producers were still casting for the Monkees (Stills auditioned, but lost out due to bad teeth and a receding hairline). Tork was the last hired and the first to quit the group in 1968.

* Mickey Dolenz wasn’t a drummer. He agreed to play drums only after the other Monkees refused.

* Davy Jones’ big break came with the stage musical “Oliver!” where he played the role of the Artful Dodger. When the musical moved from London to New York, Jones became an instant teen star, winning a Tony nomination for his role. Ironically, Jones – along with the rest of the cast of “Oliver!” – appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show which included the Beatles’ first American TV appearance.

* In terms of mail, Jones was always the most popular Monkee.

* Michael Nesmith’s mother, Bette Nesmith, was a commercial artist who invented Liquid Paper (i.e., typewriter correction fluid). Michael inherited millions from her.

* Jack Nicholson co-wrote Head. Nicholson also made a cameo appearance in the movie.

* Frank Zappa made a rare guest appearance on “The Monkees” TV series and in Head.

* Due to Davy Jones’ popularity, another English singer was force to change his real name to…David Bowie.

* Monkeeing around: Davy Jones was due to be drafted for duty in Vietnam when suddenly (by coincidence?) someone broke into the local Army recruitment branch and stole the file cabinet with Jones’ file.

* Jimi Hendrix was the Monkees’ opening act on their 1967 summer tour of the States. Mickey Dolenz had seen Hendrix perform in a New York club and later signed Hendrix following his historic show at Monterey Pop (where both Dolenz and Tork were stage announcers). Monkees fans, however, were unprepared for the overt sexuality and strange guitar work of the Jimi Hendrix Experience – they kept cheering, “We Want the Monkees.” Finally, after the group’s show at Forest Hills, New York, Hendrix and the Monkees amicably split company. The official excuse for Hendrix leaving the tour was the Daughters of The American Revolution had banned him for being to sexually suggestive.

* Bob Rafaelson and Bert Schneider later went on to form BBS Productions, which produced films such as Easy Rider, The Last Picture Show and Hearts and Minds.

* In 1980, Michael Nesmith received the first video Grammy award for his one-hour video special, “Elephant Parts.” Nesmith has produced such movies and Tapeheads and Repo Man.

* In 1986, Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork and Davy Jones reunited for a massively-successful 20^th Anniversary Monkees Tour. Although Nesmith declined to tour, he did show up for the encore at the group’s 9/6/86 appearance at Hollywood’s Greek Theatre. Thanks to MTV exposure of the original series, the Monkees experienced a surge in popularity, culminating in the hit single, “That Was Then, This Is Now.” In an unprecedented showing on the Billboard charts, the Monkees had seven albums in the Hot 200, six of which were reissues of original albums.

Categories Uncategorized

Female Wishes from my Junior Yearbook

February 29, 2012 //

From my junior yearbook, Heyworth High School (IL), 1981. My family had just moved to Heyworth that year. Fifteen girls signed it early my senior year. The signatures are transcribed here, with my comments about each. They appear as they were written in the book, left to right. Note: The most intimacy I ever got from any of these girls was a kiss.

———-

NAME: Kim Lower

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

Gary,

There is one thing I’ve always wanted to do and that’s become real good friends with you. You have a great personality and you’re such a sweet guy. Have fun your last year at H.H.S. and good luck in the future.

Love,

Kim “84”

Sadly, I don’t remember much about Kim, except that she was pretty cute for a tall nerdy freshman girl.

———-

NAME: Sam Adams

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Taken, but occasionally strangely accessible

(print)

Gary –

Well, you totally ignorant bore! You really appall me with your crude, rude, and socially unacceptable behavior. Just kidding. I just thought that would make you feel at home. You’ve become a great friend to me and I hope we can always stay close (I know, everyone says that.) I mean it, though.

You’ve made church alot more exciting and I hope we can have lots of fun this year. Try not to get too crazy and out of line (or off the road in your case) and don’t forget me next year.

You really are a sweet and funny person, but remember that I can see right through you your sensitive and mature(?) self. I love you both ways so don’t ever change. And if you ever need a friend to talk to or do something with – don’t hesitate to call.

Love,

Sam “82”

P.S. It’s a shame religion didn’t play a part in homecoming. Those others (atheists) would have been sorry. Oh well.

To this day, Sam remains one of my closest friends, as well as a free therapist. I kind of think of her as my other sister. The “off the road” comment could refer to a variety of incidents where I commandeered a vehicle off the road. It should be noted that her father was minister of our Methodist church. At homecoming, we were both up for king and queen, but lost. I’m not sure if the religion/atheist comment is a joke, but if it’s not – what can I say? It was small-town Midwest USA in the 80’s.

NOTE: Although she dated a jock, Sam somehow still went out on a couple of movie dates with me: “E.T” and “Porky’s.” Just let it be known that it’s pretty uncomfortable watching Porky’s at a drive-in with a hot chick who’s someone else’s girlfriend…not to mention the minister’s daughter.

———-

NAME Karen Wood

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Mostly single

(print)

Gary,

You are a really sweet guy who I like alot. You are one of the funniest and funnest guys to be around. We have been good friends for along time and I hope we stay that way forever. (Remeber the costume party) We should do alot more this year so we have memories. Anyway, stay the way you are and good luck in football and with whoever you like.

Friends forever,

Karen (#4) “82”

Ah, the costume party. I had just moved to Heyworth that August, and wound up asking Karen to a Halloween party hosted by a classmate. I don’t remember what costume I wore, but I sure as shit remember hers: a bunny outfit. Not a Playboy/sexy bunny outfit, but an actual furry-suit outfit. She had on the makeup and the ears. She was awesomely cute. I think dancing with her to “Whip It” was the highlight of that year.

I’m not sure what the “whoever you like” means. Teenage girls love to be cryptic that way.

And the #4 by her name was her volleyball number. They had a terrific volleyball team.

———-

NAME: Amy Purlee

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Mostly taken

(cursive)

Gary,

God, I don’t know where to start but I do know one thing you are the sweetest guy in school Well one of them! We have had some really great times in the past and we better have a lot more times in the future! Like when you would let me drive your car in the country, when you always came over to my house and we had so much fun, the time we went to the mall and parked so close to that car that they couldn’t get into it. We have had so much fun together in the past and I hope we have alot more fun in the future (at least we better). Words can’t say how much our friendship has meant to me. There is never one second that I am bored when I am with you. You always have the right things to say to me to cheer me up when I am feeling sad. I am going to miss ya so much when ya graduate. You better keep in touch when ya do graduate. I love ya and I never want ya to forget me and the times we have had together. You’re one special guy and I’ll never forget that! Stay the way you are which is so sweet & lovable!

Love ya always,

Amy

P.S. Your goodlookin too!

Can you believe I only kissed Amy (to the best of my recollection) once? Despite the enthusiasm displayed above, she was always going out with other guys. I don’t think just the two of us ever went out. I don’t remember her driving my car or my parking close to a car, but I’ll take her word for it. Girls have a good memory for that kind of stuff. I notice that she repeats herself with the “good times in the past/future” reference, but I assume that’s because she’s simply dazed by my awesomeness.

FUN FACT: Amy and her family currently live in the house my family lived in the whole time I went to H.H.S.

———-

NAME: Debbie Frazier

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Quite seriously taken, seriously

(print)

Gary,

You have the best personality of anyone I know. Your such a friendly person, you know how to make everyone smile. I loved working in the fields with you. You’re about the only reason I worked as long as I did. You ought to stop by my house sometime (I like that joke) but you really should stop by. I hope after school you don’t go far away, cause I need someone to go out with when Bill leaves me. Gotta go

Love ya,

Debbie

I mainly knew Debbie as “the girlfriend of a guy in my class.” Regarding the “working in the fields,” many students worked rouging/detassling corn during the summer in the Heyworth area. I don’t know what house-stopping-by joke she’s talking about. I like the last line: “stay close, I need someone harmless to do stuff with when my boyfriend’s away.”

———-

NAME: Diane Read

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Severely and unabashedly taken

(print)

Gary,

To the man that was lucky enough to meet me as the very first woman in Heyworth! (smiley face) You have been very sweet to me and I appreciate your friendship — I remember when I was sick you came over and brought me Tiny Tarts and a test tube (broken!) I’ve still got the test tube and I ate the Tiny Tarts! (smiley face)

Stay just as sweet as you are and keep your hair curly – just love it. (smiley face)!! Keep in touch, forever.

Love ya,

Diane ““82”

It’s true, she was the first woman I met in Heyworth, at a back-to-school party. The good news: she’s smart and cute. The bad news: she’s taken. As, I will soon learn, is the case with all the smart and cute ones. I blame the government. (Hey, I’m 17, and Reagan’s in office.)

I admit I’ve done some drugs in my life, but…Tiny Tarts and a broken test tube? And she kept the test tube? Diane, we need to talk.

———-

NAME: Cathy True

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Taken by a guy who later joined a zany religious cult

Gary,

I can’t believe you’re a senior. The way you act I’d swear you were a Freshman Ha! Ha! Ha! No, I’m just kidding you. Really I think you are a funny, sweet, attractive, wonderful, masculine guy – whew – I really enjoyed riding in that convertible with you. I’ll always remember it. I hope you will talk to me more but I know but I know you are a very busy (that’s how it is with you popular people) anyway I do wish you would communicate more with me (physically HA! HA!) Well I guess I’d better stop writing because I’m getting goofy. I hope that all your dreams in life come true (not your fantasies). Have fun!

Love ya,

Cathy “82”

Let me start out by saying that Cathy is crazy hot. I mean that in the sense that, if you looked at her for more than an instant, you’d literally go crazy. Maybe not institutionalized crazy, but you’d certainly get a boner. You get my drift. She dated the jock quarterback since I got there, so I don’t know what the nudge-nudge stuff is all about. Masculine? Don’t think I’ve ever been accused of that before. Popular? Shit, socially, I was a gnat on her bootheel. I think the convertible was at the homecoming parade (by the way – she won queen). Oh, and why can’t my FANTASIES come true, Cathy, you vixen?

———-

NAME: Pam Sutter

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: A pubic hair away from engagement

(cursive)

Gary,

Since Jackie pigged the page I wanted I guess I’ll right on this one

I’m glad we had classes together last year cause it gave me a chance to get to know you. I had a pretty good time in English last year. I’m glad I’ve got you in accounting too, you keep the class going so its not so boring.

You”re a really sweet guy and a very special friend to me. I hope you come over some after school is out. If you don’t I’m sure going to miss you!!!

Be good but have fun!!! Good luck in everything you do. Stay the way you are, I love ya like that,

Love Ya Always,

Pam

I only had Pam in a few classes; I mainly remember us helping each other in accounting. I do recall that she always laughed at my corniest jokes. She was always happy because she was crazy-teenage-girl-in-love.

NOTE: The “Jackie pigged the page” reference is to Jackie Friedrich, a good friend in my class (as well as senior prom date), who I know signed the book. But I can’t find the said page anywhere in there, which leads me to believe it was possibly ripped out and devoured by wolverines. Sorry, Jackie. I’m sure you laid the awesomeness on me and such.

———-

NAME: Melody Toepke

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Let’s just say 20+ years later she’s married to the guy

(cursive)

Gary,

To a real wild wild-n crazy guy. I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you better this year. Your really funny (the next few words are unintelligible, something about my being on drugs). I still love ya.

Take care and watch those drugs! Ha

Friends always,

Mel “82”

Okay. I’d drink to excess on the weekends sometimes, and I was known by a select few to inhale occasionally. Basically, your average rural teenager in the 80’s. So I don’t get the drug thing, unless it’s an ironic joke I’ve forgotten. Anyway, Mel, call me. You’re still hot.

———-

NAME: Robin Waller

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Single

Gary,

You’re a great guy with a great personality. I haven’t know you that long but it’s been fun to know you. It’s always fun to go through the cemetary with you and Lori C. Keep everyone smiling! Good luck in the future.

Friends Always,

Robin “84”

I honestly don’t remember Robin much at all, but I must have crept through a graveyard with her and Lori. I suppose I thought that was a good way to pick up freshman chicks at the time.

———-

NAME: Tari White

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: More taken than the little kid in Close Encounters of the Third Kind

(cursive)

To my funny friend,

Gary, you are a real super guy, your never in a bad mood, and you’ve always got a joke to tell. Your 1 in a million and I mean it, stay just the way you are. Good luck with your future.

Love ya

Tari “82”

P.S. I’m glad my lockers next to yours.

It should be noted that Tari would not only have been considered an ultra-hot-busty babe in a small town, but also in a kind-of-small town, and even a sort-of-maybe-big town. I think she was glad my locker was next to hers because most guys’ drool over her would drip about 3” off their lip, while I could contain mine to roughly 1.75”.

———-

NAME: Lori Chamberlain

CLASS: Freshman

DATING STATUS: Mostly taken

(print)

Gary,

I really don’t know where to start. You’re just like a brother to me. I really can’t write or express how much your freindship means to me. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t for you I would of never made it this far. You always know how to cheer me up when Im down I guess Gary you have the magic touch for that huh? Thanks for always being there when I needed someone talk too. Your probably sick of being my Dear Abby. Huh? You’re a real cute and foxy guy and as far as Im concerned you deserved king no matter what anybody says. Remember me when your a big collage stud. I promise I will come and see you. We have had plenty of good times and Im sure there will be plenty more. Like prom for instances prom I really had a blast and I couldnt think of anyone who Id rather go with to on my very 1^st prom. Thanks for being so special and remember that I will always have a special place in my heart for you. I love you! XXOOXO

Love always,

Lori

I admit it: Lori is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met. She was my Junior prom date, and I have to agree with her, we had a blast. She was always a great audience for my insanity.

And a blonde. Grrr.

———-

NAME: Wendy Funk

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

Gary,

To a really sweet and lovable guy, I hope we stay good friends + keep in touch after we graduate. I’m lookin forward to partying with you again. Good luck in the future + in everything you do.

Love ya always,

Wendy ‘82

I mainly remember one incident with Wendy. We had first-period art class. Before the teacher got in, I made some stupid joke, came up behind her, and touched her 80’s-coiffed hair. She wheeled around, screamed something, slapped me hard in the face, and stormed out. Jean Underwood (see below) said something like, “you don’t touch a girl’s hair!” and also stormed out.

MORAL: She just said it. You don’t touch a girl’s hair.

———-

NAME: Jean Underwood

CLASS: Junior

DATING STATUS: Unknown

(cursive)

To a really funny guy who I really like alot. I wish I would have gotten to know you better, sooner!!

Take care.

Love,

Jean

Other that the incident above, I really didn’t have much contact with Jean. Although I will go on the record as saying she was, shall we say, boneriffic.

———-

NAME: Lori Gresham

CLASS: Sophomore

DATING STATUS: Mostly single

(print)

Gary,

To a really sweet guy who is alot of fun to be with. I hope our relationship lasts forever. Even though you think I hate you (I don’t). I hope we have alot of fun together the rest of this year and I hope nothing comes between us. Have fun and don’t ever stop making people feel good.

Love Ya Lots,

Lori “83”

If I recall, Lori was my junior homecoming date. But I really didn’t know her all that well (and I’m not sure where the “you think I hate you” came from). You see, she was quite cute, and as the stereotypical 17-year-old, I went for cute instead of compatibility. We had a mediocre time at homecoming and didn’t date again.

But still…look at her last line. “Have fun and don’t ever stop making people feel good.” How can I not take that to heart? I mean, really, those are the only two things I can consistently count on: having fun and, hopefully, making people feel good.

So, in retrospect, I commend all the fine small-town girls who signed. I love you all, too. And if I meet any of you at a reunion, I will be a huge tease.

Categories High school, humorous

The Ballad of Sumo Dutchman

February 24, 2012 //

I wrote this when I was 15. There was a kid in class we’d nicknamed “Sumo” because of his girth. One day he got a “Dutchboy” haircut, then he was “Sumo Dutchman.” So I made up a song about him.

THE BALLAD OF SUMO DUTCHMAN

Sit back, relax, my maties, while I tell my little tale

About a Sumo Dutchman who’s a cousin of the whales

He’s got the brains of twenty and the strength of ninety-five

Oh, there is no doubt about it, he’s the toughest man alive

When Sumo was a baby, he was dumped by mom and dad

It seems they couldn’t take it, he was naughty, mean, and bad

But then a whale took him in down by the sea one day

And Sumo like it so much he decided he would stay

CHORUS

Cuz he’s Sumo Dutchman, he’s as deadly as formaldehyde

If you see Sumo comin’, best get on your horse and ride

He’s meaner than a polecat, and he’s gonna mangle you

Oh, when you meet Sumo Dutchman, you have net your Waterloo

When he was only twelve years old, he weighed four hundred pounds

He lived on rhinos, badgers, beavers, and a few bloodhounds

The day that he turned eighteen he was standin’ twelve foot three

And he became a sailor cuz he’d always loved the sea

He bought a sailin’ ship, her name was “Old Potato Sacks”

And when the crew took sight of him, they fainted in their tracks

He set a course for Spain, because he’d heard there’s treasures there

And when the crew got out of hand, he pulled out all their hair

CHORUS

Once a hearty sailor tried to do ol’ Sumo in

He sneaked up behind the Dutchman and he bashed him in the chin

The sailor started laughing and he thought himself quite brave

But the Dutchman gave a sumo kick and sent him to his grave

The crew became unsettled and they staged a mutiny

They planned to tie the Dutchman up and throw him in the sea

But when they charged his cabin, they found nothing there to tie

Cuz Sumo’d found a female whale and ran off to Shanghai

CHORUS

Categories Uncategorized

Roger Ebert, Eat Your Heart Out

February 21, 2012 //

NORTHEAST MISSOURI STATE UNIVERSITY, 1982: I was in the mandated Theater Appreciation class. It was held in the big theater, and there were probably 150 students. Most of them hated it and thought it was a chore. I thought it was interesting (you got to talk about movies and plays and acting), and the professor was cool.

One of the first assignments was to write a review of a movie out in theaters at the time. You had to pick a movie from a short list of ones the professor had seen. I picked “Tootsie.”

As I wrote the review, I thought it was pretty good (I hadn’t switched to an English major yet), but not great. I predicted a hopeful C.

A few days later, after I’d turned it in, the professor mentioned to the class that he was still waiting on several people’s reviews.

Then he said: “I got a review on Tootsie that I have to mention. The author is articulate and intuitive and has genuine insight to the film. I hope I get more reviews like it.” Then he mentioned a couple of specifics – yep, it was definitely my review. I got it back with an A+ and a written “Good Job!”

MY POINT: You can think you’re very average at something and an expert can think you’re awesome.

Categories humorous

The Demographics of My Cyberpeekers

February 18, 2012 //

I’ve had an OKCupid account for a little over a year. They added a featured where you can see all the people who visited your profile. I’m bored and drinking strong coffee, so I broke down the basic demographics.

Total viewers: 79

Average age: 43.9

Oldest age given: 108

Youngest: 31

Longest distance: Kazakhstan

Longest distance in U.S.: North Carolina

In my city: 3

Reasonably attractive (by photos): 35%

BBW’s: 20%

Non-Caucasian: 4

Transsexuals: 1

Most interesting handles: thewordmistress, notyourexwife2, rocknrollgirl2, SilentDuck, lorawesome, NaturalBrunette

I don’t know what all this means, really, except that I get 1 – 2 views a week, I don’t attract women under 30, and one of Borat’s sisters viewed me. Most viewers are white, not real cute, fairly fit, and not very imaginative with screennames.

And one tranny was interested. You go, girl/guy.

Categories Dating, humorous

Fun Facts: Ben Franklin

February 16, 2012 //

Benjamin Franklin is one of my favorite Americans. He was a founding father and had about 100 cool jobs. Here are a few facts-beyond-the-facts about the big guy.

He was nicknamed “The First American.” He actually gave the name to himself, which confused the general populace, who believed Jesus was the first American.

Not only did he form the first public library and Pennsylvania’s first fire department, but he also formed The Wetnurses’ Auxiliary Breastfeeding Circle, Toys for Tots, The Society of Upstanding Whoremongers, The American Egg Board, Ben’s Benevolent Booze Boys, The Screen Actors’ Guild, and The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

He wrote Poor Richard’s Almamack under the pseudonym Richard Saunders. He had to use a pseudonym to avoid getting molested by frenzied womenfolk groupies in the street. Plus, if the weather predictions were wrong, he could blame some fictitious indigent bastard.

He invented the Franklin Stove, bifocals, and the urinary catheter. Often, he would don his new glasses, lie by the warm stove, get a good book, and insert the catheter so he could comfortably read for hours without having to get up to micturate.

He played violin, harp, and guitar. After a few strong ales, he could play all three at once. After several strong ales, he could additionally simultaneously perform intricate interpretive dance, juggle 3 knives, and spin 5 plates on sticks.

As a newspaper editor and printer, he was the first to use the nicknames “Scoop” and “Flash” in reference to his reporter and photographer.

He was the first U.S. ambassador to France. On his inaugural visit, he became the first emissary to make a bad joke about the French defecating in the streets, which did not sit well with his hosting diplomats. He won them back by using a croissant as a hand puppet and performing “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

As President of Pennsylvania, he decreed himself an Adonis. If women wanted his company, he charged 5 cents to gaze upon him, 10 cents to nuzzle his visage, 15 cents to fondle his pectorals, and a buck for a night in sheer heaven.

He received honorary degrees from Harvard, Yale, Oxford, Pennsylvania Tech, Philadelphia Community College, DeVry, High School District #13, The University of Hard Knocks, Tina’s Beauty School, and Mr. Woofer’s Dog Training Academy.

He edited and signed the Declaration of Independence. At the after-signing party, he, John Adams, and Francis Lightfoot Lee pantsed Button Gwinnett and made him hop around the room, sing light opera, and quaff large amounts of absinthe.

Many people falsely believe that Mr. Franklin died of syphilis. In reality, he died of a brutal combination of gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, hepatitis, chancroid, crabs, genital warts, and – strangely enough – vaginitis.

Categories humorous

Broken-Hearted Cowboy

February 14, 2012 //

I used to do this song in the comedy act. It will also appear on my upcoming debut CD (projected release date: next Year of the Rat).

BROKEN-HEARTED COWBOY

He was a rough-and-tumble hard-drinkin’ cowboy

From just north of the Rio Grande

She was a steamy Mexican senorita

Who did interpretive dances on the weekends for a few extra pesos

They met one night at a seedy dive

Called The One-Eyed-Three-Tongued Rattlesnake Saloon

He was poundin’ shots of whisky

She was writhing nude on the stage to a disjointed samba rhythm

And then their eyes met, and thunder stuck and waves crashed and empires toppled

I mean it was really something, let me tell you, man

He leapt over fifteen tables, cracked his shin on the stage, grabbed her up

And took her back to his ranch with mirrors on the ceiling

They did everything imaginable in every possible position that two naked people could ever think about doing, and then some

He was especially impressed by the way she could twist her arm behind her head

Like Ronnie Cox as the dead guy in Deliverance

And then she started talkin’ about her six kids, her six mortgages

And her six cases of herpes since she was sixteen

The cowboy thought, “Oh my god, six-six-six,

“She’s the antichrist right here.”

He leapt out of bed, he threw on his clothes, he jumped on his horse

And he rode for kilometers and kilometers and kilometers

He rode until his horse had a heart attack and died

Leaving him stranded in the desert with no food or water

As he lay dying of hunger and thirst, and a ragin’ case of VD

An angel appeared before his eyes and said,

“Me so horny”

No, wait, she said,

“Go see the senorita, she needs you”

With every last ounce of strength me could muster he crawled his way back to the ranch

Only to find the senorita had left him for a short balding accountant

Now he’s a broken-hearted syphilitic cowboy

Without a horse

Woe, woe, woe

Yeah, he’s a broken-hearted syphilitic cowboy

Without a horse

He hasn’t got a horse

Categories humorous, song

That Kid’s Full of Crap

February 12, 2012 //

In the early 90’s, a friend of mine and I took my nephew and his cousin (both toddlers) to the park one Saturday. We all had a blast that day; the kids ran all around like wind-up toys, and it was fun for childless dudes to get to hang around their kid relatives for a controlled amount of time.

Later, we went to Chuck E. Cheese for even more merriment. My nephew, Ryan, was just out of diapers. He also wasn’t feeling too well that day. We’d only been there a few minutes when he said he had to go to the bathroom. I went with him.

We entered, and I told him to go into a stall while I waited. He went in and closed the door. A few seconds later there was a prolonged “splat,” then loud sobbing.

I opened the door. There was runny poop all over the toilet bowl, the floor, his legs, and his underwear, which he had managed to get about halfway down.

I thought, “goddammit,” but tried to calm him down. He finally relaxed, and I proceeded to wipe up the poop. I was using toilet paper and paper towels while enduring a powerful stench. I got him and the surroundings relatively clean, told him to stay put, then took his underwear to the sink.

It was hot in the bathroom and I was sweating as I washed my nephew’s poop out of his underwear. I was just thinking the situation was under control when I heard him, from the stall, cry, “AGAIN!”

I quickly opened the stall door. It was the same scene, only worse: even more poop all over him, the toilet, and the floor. I thought, “You gotta be freakin’ kidding me,” then calmed him down again.

After patiently but frustratingly cleaning the stall, I had to wash his pants in the sink. I was sweating like Shaquille O’Neal late in a close game. Another guy around my age came in and saw the situation. He said, “Ah, great to be a dad, huh?”

I said, “I’m just the uncle. This isn’t fair.”

Anyway, we got things cleaned up, Ryan got a diaper from the other kid, and he was okay. He only smelled slightly poopy that afternoon in the ball pit. And as far as I know, he never crapped all over a bathroom stall again.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Blood is thicker than poop.

Categories humorous

48 Years of Suckin’ Air

February 10, 2012 //

I turned 48 today. Yay me! I’ve outlived John Belushi, Chris Farley, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Jesus Christ. I’ve been in the bonus round for years.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t feel old, but I do feel like I’ve been around a while. When I was born, the #1 song in the U.S. was The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” I’m glad it wasn’t something lame and forgettable.

I wouldn’t say I’m a success, at least with any kind of career path. I’ve had several full-time professional positions since I entered the workforce, most of those terminated by layoffs. In fact, I’m unemployed now, but I’m hoping to change that as soon as possible. I’m not a real ambitious guy, I guess because money and material things never meant that much to me. It doesn’t help that I find corporate-culture politics and bullshit annoying.

So what have I done in 48 years? Funny you should ask.

I’m a published author, in both newspapers and magazines.

I’ve written numerous songs (the debut CD is still in the works).

I’m a college graduate. Which is mainly impressive because of the sheer amount of chemicals I ingested at the time.

I’ve taught high school, albeit poorly.

I’ve performed stand-up comedy professionally.

I’ve been on TV (performing on local cable, but still).

I won quite a few trophies and medals in high school.

I’ve visited Europe, Mexico and Jamaica.

I was married for 11 years. You can interpret that any way you want.

I’ve played guitar for 36 years and have been in several bands, the first at age 15. Performing paid my room and board in college. I still love playing and play every day.

Not terribly remarkable for 48 years, I know, but I prefer it over “I dropped out of high school, I got a crappy job, I’ve been doing the same thing for 32 years, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I hate everyone, the guys at the bar make fun of me, I have no hobbies, and every morning I fight the overwhelming urge to put a slug in my skull.”

Plus: I like to think that, along the way, I taught a few kids a few useful things, I had something to say in print, and I cheered up hundreds of sullen comedy-show attendees.

But I hope my greatest accomplishments are being a good son, a good brother, a good uncle, and a good friend. Because without those, all that other stuff don’t mean jack.

And to any other geezers reading this: Cheers! *clink glasses* Remember to take your pills! Don’t break a hip!

Also, happy birthday to my cat, Frank Zappa! Love ya, ya bitey carpet-poopin’ spazmo!

Categories Uncategorized