I wrote this when I was 15.  There was a kid in class we’d nicknamed “Sumo” because of his girth.  One day he got a “Dutchboy” haircut, then he was “Sumo Dutchman.”   So I made up a song about him.




Sit back, relax, my maties, while I tell my little tale

About a Sumo Dutchman who’s a cousin of the whales

He’s got the brains of twenty and the strength of ninety-five

Oh, there is no doubt about it, he’s the toughest man alive


When Sumo was a baby, he was dumped by mom and dad

It seems they couldn’t take it, he was naughty, mean, and bad

But then a whale took him in down by the sea one day

And Sumo like it so much he decided he would stay



Cuz he’s Sumo Dutchman, he’s as deadly as formaldehyde

If you see Sumo comin’, best get on your horse and ride

He’s meaner than a polecat, and he’s gonna mangle you

Oh, when you meet Sumo Dutchman, you have net your Waterloo


When he was only twelve years old, he weighed four hundred pounds

He lived on rhinos, badgers, beavers, and a few bloodhounds

The day that he turned eighteen he was standin’ twelve foot three

And he became a sailor cuz he’d always loved the sea


He bought a sailin’ ship, her name was “Old Potato Sacks”

And when the crew took sight of him, they fainted in their tracks

He set a course for Spain, because he’d heard there’s treasures there

And when the crew got out of hand, he pulled out all their hair




Once a hearty sailor tried to do ol’ Sumo in

He sneaked up behind the Dutchman and he bashed him in the chin

The sailor started laughing and he thought himself quite brave

But the Dutchman gave a sumo kick and sent him to his grave


The crew became unsettled and they staged a mutiny

They planned to tie the Dutchman up and throw him in the sea

But when they charged his cabin, they found nothing there to tie

Cuz Sumo’d found a female whale and ran off to Shanghai