I used to do this song in the comedy act.  It will also appear on my upcoming debut CD (projected release date: next Year of the Rat).



He was a rough-and-tumble hard-drinkin’ cowboy

From just north of the Rio Grande

She was a steamy Mexican senorita

Who did interpretive dances on the weekends for a few extra pesos


They met one night at a seedy dive

Called The One-Eyed-Three-Tongued Rattlesnake Saloon

He was poundin’ shots of whisky

She was writhing nude on the stage to a disjointed samba rhythm


And then their eyes met, and thunder stuck and waves crashed and empires toppled

I mean it was really something, let me tell you, man

He leapt over fifteen tables, cracked his shin on the stage, grabbed her up

And took her back to his ranch with mirrors on the ceiling


They did everything imaginable in every possible position that two naked people could ever think about doing, and then some

He was especially impressed by the way she could twist her arm behind her head

Like Ronnie Cox as the dead guy in Deliverance


And then she started talkin’ about her six kids, her six mortgages

And her six cases of herpes since she was sixteen

The cowboy thought, “Oh my god, six-six-six,

“She’s the antichrist right here.”


He leapt out of bed, he threw on his clothes, he jumped on his horse

And he rode for kilometers and kilometers and kilometers

He rode until his horse had a heart attack and died

Leaving him stranded in the desert with no food or water


As he lay dying of hunger and thirst, and a ragin’ case of VD

An angel appeared before his eyes and said,

“Me so horny”

No, wait, she said,

“Go see the senorita, she needs you”

With every last ounce of strength me could muster he crawled his way back to the ranch

Only to find the senorita had left him for a short balding accountant


Now he’s a broken-hearted syphilitic cowboy

Without a horse

Woe, woe, woe

Yeah, he’s a broken-hearted syphilitic cowboy

Without a horse

He hasn’t got a horse