A few years ago, at a flea market, I bought an old TV schedule supplement to Chicago Daily News.  It’s for April 27 – May 4, 1968.  Leslie Uggams is on the cover, and the interview is with Betsy Palmer (sadly, best known for her later work as psycho killer Mrs. Voorhees in Friday the 13^th). It’s interesting to see what was on the tube at the time.  At least we had Star Trek – and a shitload of westerns.  And whatever happened to The Doodletown Pipers?

 

SATURDAY:

Cartoon Carnival

Sandy Koufax Show

Celebrity Billiards (Minnesota Fats vs. Buddy Hackett)

Have Gun, Will Travel

Car 54, Where Are You?

My Favorite Martian

Jackie Gleason Show (guests: Milton Berle, Vikki Carr, Frank Gorshin)

Death Valley Days

The Dating Game

The Newlywed Game

The Saint

My Three Sons

Get Smart

Lawrence Welk

Hogan’s Heroes

Petticoat Junction

Mannix

Password

 

SUNDAY:

Bugs Bunny

Superman

Bullwinkle

Cisco Kid

Face the Nation

Meet the Press (guest: Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey)

French Chef (featuring Julia Child)

Flipper

Thunderbirds

Lassie

Wild Kingdom

Gentle Ben

Walt Disney

Ed Sullivan Show (guests: Richard Harris, Ella Fitzgerald, George Corliss, violinist Kyung Wha Chung, The Doodletown Pipers, Milt Kamen, comedy team of Stiller & Meara)

The Mothers-in-Law

Smothers Brothers Show (guests: Carl Reiner, Jennie Smith, The Happenings, Hamilton Camp)

Bonanza

Mission: Impossible

 

ANY GIVEN WEEKDAY:

Leave It to Beaver

Captain Kangaroo

Romper Room

Candid Camera

Beverly Hillbillies

Andy of Mayberry

Dick Van Dyke Show

Bewitched

Guiding Light

As the World Turns

Let’s Make a Deal

Days of Our Lives

Art Linkletter

To Tell the Truth

Edge of Night

Dark Shadows

Secret Storm

Hollywood Squares

Match Game

My Friend Flicka

Merv Griffin

Three Stooges

Little Rascals

Garfield Goose

McHale’s Navy

Mike Douglas Show

Huntley-Brinkley Report

 

MONDAY:

Rawhide

Gunsmoke

The Monkees

Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In (guest: Tiny Tim)

Lucy Show

Rat Patrol

Andy Griffith Show

Danny Thomas Hour

Family Affair

Peyton Place

Carol Burnett Show

I Spy

Big Valley

 

TUESDAY:

Daktari

I Dream of Jeannie

Garrison’s Gorillas

Jerry Lewis Show (guests: Barbara Feldon, The Doodletown Pipers)

Red Skelton Show (guests: Nipsy Russell, The Association)

It Takes a Thief

N.Y.P.D.

The Invaders

 

WEDNESDAY:

Lost in Space

The Virginian

The Avengers

Green Acres

Dom DeLuise Show

 

THURSDAY:

Cimarron Strip

Daniel Boone

The Flying Nun

That Girl

Peyton Place

Dean Martin Show (guests: Rosemary Clooney, Buddy Hackett, Minnie Pearl, David Steinberg)

 

FRIDAY:

Wild, Wild West

Tarzan

Gomer Pyle

Star Trek

Hollywood Squares

From 1972 to 1980, I attended Carlyle Grade School and Carlyle High School in (wait for it) Carlyle, IL.  One of my friends was Matt Tucker.

Matt was (and still is) a fun guy, and even crazier than me.  He excelled in both baseball and football.  But the main qualities that set him apart from the other kids were his total disregard for the well-being of his physical frame and his superhuman tolerance for pain.  He was Mick Foley before there was Mick Foley.

He could take an incredible pounding on the field.  He could also take an incredible pounding in whatever insane daredevil stunt he was attempting.  And he wasn’t a big guy – kind of scrawny, actually.  It didn’t help that he had about 11 siblings, and was thus always vying for attention.

He was usually wearing some sort of cast somewhere on his body.  He’d always remove them himself, weeks before the doctor’s go-ahead.  He eventually broke nearly every bone in his body, including his neck (and you think you’re tough?).

One day, in freshman science class, some of us were sitting around those big marble-type tables where you’d pour hydrochloric acid on seashells and such.  It was the last few minutes of the period, and the teacher, Mr. Sommers, was outside the door in the hall chatting.

We were goofing off by “karate chopping” the sharpened end of horizontal pencils, so the pencils would flip up in the air.

Then Matt said, “hey, watch this.”  He had a pencil on the table in front of him.  He put his hand to the back of his head and pushed down.  He was apparently attempting to flip the pencil with his forehead.

Instead, he forcefully drove his upper front teeth into the table.  There was a sickening crunch, and fragments of teeth shattered all over the clean dark tabletop.

Everyone froze.  Matt lifted his head up and quickly put his hand up to cover his mouth.

The kid across from him stared at the teeth remnants, yelled “AHHHHH!”, and briskly swept them to the floor.

Matt pulled his hand from his mouth.  He revealed his bloody gums, and a big empty space where his four front teeth had just been.  He laughed and called out, “Mr. Sommers, I think I need some help.”

It ended well.  Matt got new teeth, and I think they even glow in the dark.

But still: how many fifteen-year-olds do you know who could bust out their own teeth — and laugh about it?  Balls, man.  True, planet-sized balls.

I wrote this 11 years ago and posted it on a message forum.  I thought I’d lost it forever, but a kindly administrator retrieved it for me (thanks Lorina!).

 

WOMEN ARE LIKE PLAYSTATION GAMES

 

1. They can be quite expensive when they first come on the market; they’re much cheaper when they’re used.

2. You can sometimes trade with (or borrow/steal from) friends.

3. You can sometimes find good deals on the Internet.

4. Some are way too easy and unchallenging, and you end up losing interest.

5. Some are way too hard and frustrating, and you end up giving up.

6. Some are too repetitive and predictable, and you end up getting bored.

7. Some start out promising, but get so complicated you end up pulling your hair out.

8. Some are just plain stupid, and you wonder why they were created at all.

9. The most popular ones are usually overhyped.

10. The ones with the most attractive packaging are often the least fun, and vice-versa.

11. The older classics are often more enjoyable than the new flashy ones.

12. Damaged ones usually don’t play right.

13. The best ones have an appealing interface, are user-friendly, are challenging without being overwhelming, have good replay value, have an interesting background story, keep you entertained, have a sense of humor, and – most importantly – let you start over if you mess up.

In 1987, I was living in Revere, MO, population about 150.  My wife had gotten a teaching position at the local school, and I was substitute teaching (which I don’t recommend to anyone who can possibly avoid it).

I knew I needed a real job.  Iowa was just a few miles north, so I went to the Iowa Employment Place in Keokuk.  I signed up, and was scheduled to take a mandatory placement test.

I took the test a week or so later with a group of people. Most of it was written, and pretty easy.  I felt like I was in eighth grade again.

Another part of the test involved manual dexterity, like flipping pegs over on a pegboard.  I assume this was to test for proficiency in factory work.  I was faster than most in my group.

A couple of weeks later, I went back in to see how I’d done.  A woman checked the files, took a look, looked at me, and said, “Come with me.”

I followed her into an office.  Her expression was like a doctor about to tell me I had two weeks to live.  She said, “Mr. Webel, you scored over ninety percent.”

I said, “That’s good, right?”

She said, “Most of the people we get in here don’t score over fifty percent.  I’m afraid we can’t find anything for you.”

Right then I realized a sad fact: I’m too smart for Iowa.

Recently, I applied for an interactive writer position at Jellyvision, the company best known for the computer trivia game You Don’t Know Jack.  Part of the application process was to write a humorous essay about how electricity works.  You were to “be funny and informative, and write like you’re writing to a bright seventh-grader.” 

I’ve since gotten a rejection e-mail.  No big deal, I get rejected all the time.  But I don’t think what I wrote was too bad – though I suppose it could be wittier.  I’d like to see an essay that made the cut.

Here’s what I submitted:

ELECTRICITY: IT’S REALLY SHOCKINGLY SIMPLE

You probably think of electricity as the magical stuff in your walls that makes all the cool things in your house work, like Call of Duty on the PS3.  Well, it IS sort of magical – in the sense that it’s energy produced by the movement of negatively-charged particles in an atom, called electrons.

These electrons move rapidly in what’s called a current, which runs along a circuit, which usually consists of wires.  These electrons run through the current and circuit like a hyperactive dog after a caffeinated rabbit.  The source of these enthusiastic electrons comes from a power plant generated by nuclear fission, water, wind, oil, or coal.

The cool electricity in your house is called alternating current, or AC, and it flows rapidly back and forth.  The electricity generated from batteries – like in your laptop or the old Game Boy lost somewhere under your bed – is direct current, or DC, which only runs one way.

There’s also static electricity, in which electrons emit a charge in nature but do not flow through a current.  Lightning is a perfect example, as is the charge that occurs when you shuffle your feet across the carpet, touch your roommate, and shock the hell out of him.

Current (AC or DC) electricity can only flow through a continuous circuit, or connected series of conductors.  When you flip a light or any “off” switch, it breaks the circuit, and the electricity is cut off.  Conductors are substances through which electricity can easily flow, like salt, water, wool, and metal.  So if you don’t want to be an electrical conductor, it’s best not to stand in salt water wearing wool underpants and a lot of bling.

So: the electricity in your house is courtesy of stimulated electrons generated by a power plant, and travels through conductors (metal wires) in a continuous circuit (until you switch it off).  It then provides power to make your toast, heat your cold soup in a microwave, and allow you to post rude comments on YouTube.

Now that you know all about how electricity works, go enjoy Call of Duty.  Just remember to thank your invisible friends: electrons.

THE WORST CROWD I EVER HAD: 

In Charleston, IL, bar name forgotten.  I was the emcee and drove downstate with the feature act.  It was a big bar/restaurant and was packed.  I came onstage, made a few announcements, and began.

After about a minute I realized: nobody is paying attention.  All 80 or so people were chatting with each other.  I didn’t see a single person looking at me, and I could barely hear myself over the din of conversation.  I switched to autopilot, finished my 10 minutes, and brought up the feature act.

They were still restless until about 10 minutes into his set, then the show went well.  The headliner was strong, and killed.

On the way back in the car the next day, I was sullen.  I couldn’t believe how much I sucked at that show.  The feature act said, “What’s the matter?”  I said, “That’s the worst show I ever had.”  He was shocked.  “THAT’S the worst show you ever had?  I’ve had people stand up and say, ‘You SUCK! Get off the STAGE!’”  He then proceeded to tell me his horror stories.

Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad.

 

THE BEST CROWD I EVER HAD: 

In Lyons, IL, Comedy Womb.  Strangely enough, probably the smallest crowd I ever had: 5 people at one table, right up front.  As I recall, three guys and two women.  The Womb’s show structure was a little different – instead of 3 comics, they’d have about 8 to 10 doing smaller amounts of time.

I think I was the 3^rd or 4^th guy on stage.  Have you ever seen a truly, truly drunk person…or been there yourself?  All 5 people were what you just imagined.

They were bellowing at setups.  I’d have to stop and say, “Wait, guys, that’s not the funny part.”  During one song a guy literally fell out of his chair.  I was semi-concerned for his health.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Lots of alcohol makes goofy people with guitars really, really funny.

 

BRUSHES WITH FAME:

I worked with Lewis Black during a showcase in Naperville in 1994.  I vaguely knew him from The Daily Show.  He was a very cool guy; quite calm offstage, unlike his onstage personae.

Also worked with Adam Ferarra in Milwaukee.  He’s a regular on Rescue Me.  A real fun guy to hit bars with after shows.  He has a lock on the whole sheepish Italian New York Tony Danza thing.

My favorite Chicago comedian to work with was Steve Seagren.  He’s since moved to L.A. and has appeared in cameos in The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm.  The guy was as hilarious offstage as onstage.