Time To Get Agreeable

February 8, 2017 //

Not long ago, Louis C.K. premiered a show, Horace & Pete, on his site. He wrote, directed and stars in it. You have to pay for the episodes, so I only watched a few (I’m cheap).

The show is set in a bar and revolves around its owners and patrons, kind of like a more existential “Cheers.” In one episode, two regulars start arguing politics.

Another regular steps in and says, “wait a minute. Let me ask you guys something.”

He asks the conservative, “what’s your description of a liberal?” The conservative lists several negative things.

He asks the liberal, “what’s your description of a conservative?” Likewise, a list of several negative things.

The intermediary asks, “if you both have this predetermined opinion of each other, how are you ever going to reach an agreement?”

Another regular laughs and says, “you think they WANT to agree?”

That pretty much sums up how I feel about US politics these days. It’s all us-versus-them. I lean to the left, mainly because I’ve always felt that democratic policies were more in line with my beliefs than republican policies.

But I’m willing to meet in the middle. We need to get this big ol’ USA ship righted again. If you can honestly get me to see the light about something, I’ll admit defeat and change my mind. But you should also be big enough to do the same.

In the meantime, all this name-calling and hatred isn’t getting the country anywhere. You know, “united we stand, divided we fall” and all that.

P.S. I still stand by my assertion that the president’s definitely not right in the head. Can we at least agree on that?

Categories humorous, Politics

Welcome, New Chemically-Imbalanced Overlord!

January 20, 2017 //

It’s inauguration day for the 45^th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. I made a jokey post about this several months before the election, but folks, this is not a drill.

I’d like to be excited about it. I’d like to think, “this guy might just actually do a good job. I mean, he DID get elected.”

But I’m very, very skeptical. It’s amazing how incredibly and unbelievably skeptical I am. My skepticism is HUGE.

Trump is the tenth president in my lifetime. And while I’ve liked some of those guys more than others, I’ve never actually felt, “this guy scares me.”

Most people I know are aware that I have bipolar disorder. I’ve had manic episodes where I’ve thought, believed, and said some pretty bizarre things. I’ve spent time in mental wards where I’ve met all kinds of wacky individuals.

My point is: I’m a pretty good judge of crazy. And as far as Trump goes, to quote Keith Olbermann, “there is something very wrong with him.”

Not convinced? Follow him on Twitter. (Actually, you don’t need to do that; every tweet is some kind of national news.) Once in a while he’ll seem semi-presidential, but mostly he just attacks his critics and sounds like an insecure fifth-grader taunting kids on the playground. “I’m better than you and you’ll pay attention to me, you losers!” He enjoys telling people they’re overrated, unfunny, or sad. Kind of like someone who’s not right in the head.

He’s not even going to use the official @POTUS account because he’s afraid he’ll lose followers. Yeesh. I tell ya, former reality TV stars and punch lines since the 80s these days…

Anyway, Mr. President, I really do wish you the best (for everyone’s sake). All I ask is that you get some serious psychiatric help. Like, real soon.

And please don’t kill us all. That would suck.

Categories humorous, Politics

Sometimes The Shine Just Wears Off

January 4, 2017 //

I did stand-up comedy in the Chicago area from 1991 to 1996. When I mention that to people, the most frequent response is:

“Why did you quit?”

My response is always: “It got to be too much of a job.”

I first got onstage at an open mic mainly to see if I could do it. It went pretty well, so I kept coming back.

Within a few months, the phone kept ringing and I was booked every weekend.

After a few years, I was driving my beat-up Toyota Tercel all over hell for a few extra bucks. I was away from my spouse every weekend, and I had a day job. Why keep this up?

To put it on a more relatable level:

Let’s say one day you think to yourself, “I bet I could make a kick-ass birdhouse.” So you go to your garage and make a birdhouse that’s pretty kick-ass.

A friend sees it and freaks out. “Dude, I know people who would totally buy this.”

So you make some more birdhouses and make a few bucks. Then word of mouth spreads.

Next thing you know, you’re in your garage every spare moment. Your weekends are ruined. You’re either making birdhouses or desperately trying to come up with cool new birdhouse designs.

Would you keep it up?

ANYWAY…

I tip my hat to all the successful stand-ups who stuck it out and made themselves good careers. I think it was more of a fleeting fancy for me. I much prefer writing (no pants required) to performing (pants generally preferred.)

Categories humorous

The Name Game

November 3, 2016 //

Okay, so we’re down to the wire here with this election. And it got me thinking about all the rhetoric that’s been thrown around this campaign. And when you break down all the language, I think it comes down basically to their names.

Hillary Clinton

How many friends do you have who refer to her as “Clinton” rather than “Hillary”? You mainly hear “Clinton” on the mainstream news channels or read it in the headlines. (And I realize that, journalistically, you usually refer to candidates by last name.)

But you’ll generally hear “I support/hate Hillary” much more than the same with “Clinton.”

Why, you ask? Hell if I know, but good or bad, she seems to kind of cruise on her first name while side-stepping her last name. Maybe it’s because “Hillary” sounds like a nice aunt. Or it reminds people of Sir Edmund Hillary (she’s been called out for falsely claiming she’s named after him).

And, let’s face it, the name “Clinton” isn’t viewed favorably by many people. So it’s probably best she focuses on just being “Hillary.”

Donald Trump

Come on, people have been making fun of him since the 80s. And While “The Donald” was fun for a while, the last name is what sticks.

That’s because he’s sold his name as a brand for decades. Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, Trump Casinos, etc. He wants you to associate his name with wealth, success, and quality.

When Bernie Sanders was in the race, people referred to him as “Bernie.” You never hear people call Trump “Donald” or “Don.”

So Trump rides his popularity (much of which came from a TV reality show) pretty much on his name alone. And that’s what’s gotten him this far.

IN CONCLUSION: Forget e-mails, sexual misconduct, Benghazi, failure to reveal tax returns, and all the other stuff. Just make it simple:

Do you vote for the grandma with a unique but friendly first name, or the blustery old guy with a last name that sounds like he’d always beat you in cards?

Categories humorous, Politics

Apple License Agreement: TL;DR Version

September 22, 2016 //

Here’s Apple’s license agreement you have to agree to before you can buy or download anything. Since nobody ever reads it, I’ll give you the “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version (in bold, obviously).

APPLE INC.

SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT

SINGLE USE LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT (“LICENSE”) CAREFULLY BEFORE USING THE APPLE SOFTWARE. BY USING THE APPLE SOFTWARE, YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE, DO NOT USE THE SOFTWARE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THE LICENSE, YOU MAY RETURN THE APPLE SOFTWARE TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU OBTAINED IT FOR A REFUND. IF THE APPLE SOFTWARE WAS ACCESSED ELECTRONICALLY, CLICK “DISAGREE/DECLINE”. FOR APPLE SOFTWARE INCLUDED WITH YOUR PURCHASE OF HARDWARE, YOU MUST RETURN THE ENTIRE HARDWARE/SOFTWARE PACKAGE IN ORDER TO OBTAIN A REFUND.

TL;DR: Read this whole thing. If you don’t agree with it, don’t use the software. You’ll get a refund if you chicken out. Click “disagree/decline” and piss off.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This software may be used to reproduce materials. It is licensed to you only for reproduction of non-copyrighted materials, materials in which you own the copyright, or materials you are authorized or legally permitted to reproduce. If you are uncertain about your right to copy any material, you should contact your legal advisor.

TL;DR: If you use this to reproduce stuff, don’t reproduce copyrighted shit unless it’s yours. If you’re uncertain, call Saul Goodman.

1. General. The software, documentation and any fonts accompanying this License whether on disk, in read only memory, on any other media or in any other form (collectively the “Apple Software”) are licensed, not sold, to you by Apple Inc. (“Apple”) for use only under the terms of this License, and Apple reserves all rights not expressly granted to you. The rights granted herein are limited to Apple’s and its licensors’ intellectual property rights in the Apple Software and do not include any other patents or intellectual property rights. You own the media on which the Apple Software is recorded but Apple and/or Apple’s licensor(s) retain ownership of the Apple Software itself. The terms of this License will govern any software upgrades provided by Apple that replace and/or supplement the original Apple Software product, unless such upgrade is accompanied by a separate license in which case the terms of that license will govern.

TL;DR: We’re lending you this, not selling you this. You own the media, we own the software. And any upgrades, too. You got a problem with that?

Title and intellectual property rights in and to any content displayed by or accessed through the Apple Software belongs to the respective content owner. Such content may be protected by copyright or other intellectual property laws and treaties, and may be subject to terms of use of the third party providing such content. This License does not grant you any rights to use such content.

TL;DR: Don’t reproduce third-party shit.

2. Permitted License Uses and Restrictions. This License allows you to install and use one copy of the Apple Software on a single computer at a time. The Apple Software may be used to reproduce materials so long as such use is limited to reproduction of non-copyrighted materials, materials in which you own the copyright, or materials you are authorized or legally permitted to reproduce. This License does not allow the Apple Software to exist on more than one computer at a time, and you may not make the Apple Software available over a network where it could be used by multiple computers at the same time. You may make one copy of the Apple Software in machine-readable form for backup purposes only; provided that the backup copy must include all copyright or other proprietary notices contained on the original. Except as and only to the extent expressly permitted in this License or by applicable law, you may not copy, decompile, reverse engineer, disassemble, modify, or create derivative works of the Apple Software or any part thereof. THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.

TL;DR: Only put this on one computer, capice? You can make one backup copy and that’s it. And don’t fold, spindle, or mutilate the software. Also, it’s not intended for heavy-duty applications that might kill people.

3. Transfer. You may not rent, lease, lend or sublicense the Apple Software. You may, however, make a one-time permanent transfer of all of your license rights to the Apple Software to another party, provided that: (a) the transfer must include all of the Apple Software, including all its component parts, original media, printed materials and this License; (b) you do not retain any copies of the Apple Software, full or partial, including copies stored on a computer or other storage device; and (c) the party receiving the Apple Software reads and agrees to accept the terms and conditions of this License. All components of the Apple Software are provided as part of a bundle and may not be separated from the bundle and distributed as standalone applications.

TL;DR: You can’t make money off this, dipshit. You can transfer the software to another party, but you have to give up your firstborn child.

Updates: If an Apple Software update completely replaces (full install) a previously licensed version of the Apple Software, you may not use both versions of the Apple Software at the same time nor may you transfer them separately.

NFR (Not for Resale) Copies: Notwithstanding other sections of this License, Apple Software labeled or otherwise provided to you on a promotional basis may only be used for demonstration, testing and evaluation purposes and may not be resold or transferred.

Academic Copies: If the Apple Software package has an academic label or if you acquired the Apple Software at an academic discount, you must be an Eligible Educational End User to use the Apple Software. “Eligible Educational End Users” means students, faculty, staff and administration attending and/or working at an educational institutional facility (i.e., college campus, public or private K-12 schools).

TL;DR: Don’t use two versions at the same time. Keep your free demo to yourself. You must be an egghead to use the scholarly version.

4. Consent to Use of Data. You agree that Apple and its subsidiaries may collect and use technical and related information, including but not limited to technical information about your computer, system and application software, and peripherals, that is gathered periodically to facilitate the provision of software updates, product support and other services to you (if any) related to the Apple Software. Apple may use this information, as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you, to improve our products or to provide services or technologies to you.

TL;DR: We’re data mining you. You cool with that?

5. Termination. This License is effective until terminated. Your rights under this License will terminate automatically without notice from Apple if you fail to comply with any term(s) of this License. Upon the termination of this License, you shall cease all use of the Apple Software and destroy all copies, full or partial, of the Apple Software.

TL;DR: If we terminate the license, you have to set your computer on fire.

6. Limited Warranty on Media. Apple warrants the media on which the Apple Software is recorded and delivered by Apple to be free from defects in materials and workmanship under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the date of original retail purchase. Your exclusive remedy under this Section shall be, at Apple’s option, a refund of the purchase price of the product containing the Apple Software or replacement of the Apple Software which is returned to Apple or an Apple authorized representative with a copy of the receipt. THIS LIMITED WARRANTY AND ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES ON THE MEDIA INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, AND OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, ARE LIMITED IN DURATION TO NINETY (90) DAYS FROM THE DATE OF ORIGINAL RETAIL PURCHASE. SOME JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON HOW LONG AN IMPLIED WARRANTY LASTS, SO THE ABOVE LIMITATION MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU. THE LIMITED WARRANTY SET FORTH HEREIN IS THE ONLY WARRANTY MADE TO YOU AND IS PROVIDED IN LIEU OF ANY OTHER WARRANTIES (IF ANY) CREATED BY ANY DOCUMENTATION OR PACKAGING. THIS LIMITED WARRANTY GIVES YOU SPECIFIC LEGAL RIGHTS, AND YOU MAY ALSO HAVE OTHER RIGHTS WHICH VARY BY JURISDICTION.

TL;DR: Ninety-day warranty, might get refund, blah blah blah.

7. Disclaimer of Warranties. YOU EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT USE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK AND THAT THE ENTIRE RISK AS TO SATISFACTORY QUALITY, PERFORMANCE, ACCURACY AND EFFORT IS WITH YOU. EXCEPT FOR THE LIMITED WARRANTY ON MEDIA SET FORTH ABOVE AND TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED “AS IS”, WITH ALL FAULTS AND WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, AND APPLE AND APPLE’S LICENSORS (COLLECTIVELY REFERRED TO AS “APPLE” FOR THE PURPOSES OF SECTIONS 7 AND 8) HEREBY DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES AND CONDITIONS WITH RESPECT TO THE APPLE SOFTWARE, EITHER EXPRESS, IMPLIED OR STATUTORY, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES AND/OR CONDITIONS OF MERCHANTABILITY, OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OF ACCURACY, OF QUIET ENJOYMENT, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT OF THIRD PARTY RIGHTS. APPLE DOES NOT WARRANT AGAINST INTERFERENCE WITH YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE, THAT THE FUNCTIONS CONTAINED IN THE APPLE SOFTWARE WILL MEET YOUR REQUIREMENTS, THAT THE OPERATION OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE WILL BE UNINTERRUPTED OR ERROR-FREE, OR THAT DEFECTS IN THE APPLE SOFTWARE WILL BE CORRECTED. NO ORAL OR WRITTEN INFORMATION OR ADVICE GIVEN BY APPLE OR AN APPLE AUTHORIZED REPRESENTATIVE SHALL CREATE A WARRANTY. SHOULD THE APPLE SOFTWARE PROVE DEFECTIVE, YOU ASSUME THE ENTIRE COST OF ALL NECESSARY SERVICING, REPAIR OR CORRECTION. SOME JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW THE EXCLUSION OF IMPLIED WARRANTIES OR LIMITATIONS ON APPLICABLE STATUTORY RIGHTS OF A CONSUMER, SO THE ABOVE EXCLUSION AND LIMITATIONS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU.

TL;DR: The software is what it is. You agree to use it wisely. If it does fuck up, you pay to fix it.

8. Limitation of Liability. TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL APPLE BE LIABLE FOR PERSONAL INJURY, OR ANY INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, INDIRECT OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES WHATSOEVER, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, LOSS OF DATA, BUSINESS INTERRUPTION OR ANY OTHER COMMERCIAL DAMAGES OR LOSSES, ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO YOUR USE OR INABILITY TO USE THE APPLE SOFTWARE, HOWEVER CAUSED, REGARDLESS OF THE THEORY OF LIABILITY (CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE) AND EVEN IF APPLE HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. SOME JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW THE LIMITATION OF LIABILITY FOR PERSONAL INJURY, OR OF INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES, SO THIS LIMITATION MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU. In no event shall Apple’s total liability to you for all damages (other than as may be required by applicable law in cases involving personal injury) exceed the amount of fifty dollars ($50.00). The foregoing limitations will apply even if the above stated remedy fails of its essential purpose.

TL;DR: We’re not responsible for anything. If we are, you only get fifty bucks.

9. Export Control. You may not use or otherwise export or reexport the Apple Software except as authorized by United States law and the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Apple Software was obtained. In particular, but without limitation, the Apple Software may not be exported or re-exported (a) into any U.S. embargoed countries or (b) to anyone on the U.S. Treasury Department’s list of Specially Designated Nationals or the U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person’s List or Entity List. By using the Apple Software, you represent and warrant that you are not located in any such country or on any such list. You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear, missiles, or chemical or biological weapons.

TL;DR: You can’t use this if you live in a particular place or are on a particular list. Also, don’t use it for large-scale warfare purposes.

10. Government End Users. The Apple Software and related documentation are “Commercial Items”, as that term is defined at 48 C.F.R. §2.101, consisting of “Commercial Computer Software” and “Commercial Computer Software Documentation”, as such terms are used in 48 C.F.R. §12.212 or 48 C.F.R. §227.7202, as applicable. Consistent with 48 C.F.R. §12.212 or 48 C.F.R. §227.7202-1 through 227.7202-4, as applicable, the Commercial Computer Software and Commercial Computer Software Documentation are being licensed to U.S. Government end users (a) only as Commercial Items and (b) with only those rights as are granted to all other end users pursuant to the terms and conditions herein. Unpublished-rights reserved under the copyright laws of the United States.

TL;DR: Gubmint users are just like y’all.

11. Controlling Law and Severability. This License will be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of California, as applied to agreements entered into and to be performed entirely within California between California residents. This License shall not be governed by the United Nations Convention on Contracts for the International Sale of Goods, the application of which is expressly excluded. If for any reason a court of competent jurisdiction finds any provision, or portion thereof, to be unenforceable, the remainder of this License shall continue in full force and effect.

TL;DR: Everyone’s a Californian in our legal eyes.

12. Complete Agreement; Governing Language. This License constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with respect to the use of the Apple Software licensed hereunder and supersedes all prior or contemporaneous understandings regarding such subject matter. No amendment to or modification of this License will be binding unless in writing and signed by Apple. Any translation of this License is done for local requirements and in the event of a dispute between the English and any non-English versions, the English version of this License shall govern.

TL;DR: The English language rules, baby!

Categories humorous

The Set List

September 14, 2016 //

I play guitar and have been in several bands, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a real “we have gigs” scenario. Ultimately, I’d like to be in a band that played original songs (I have several), but short of that, I’d play in a cover band if I got to choose the songs. This would be my 20-song set list:

Pussywhipped – Dash Rip Rock

Mystery Date – New Duncan Imperials

Earthmover – Southern Culture On The Skids

We’re A Happy Family – Ramones

Sheep Go To Heaven – Cake

Pretty Vacant – Sex Pistols

Picture Book – The Kinks

When The Girls Get Here – Young Fresh Fellows

She’s A Rebel – Green Day

It’s Gonna Be A Long Night – Ween

The Beast With Five Hands – Groovie Ghoulies

Just One Drink – Jack White

Got The Time – Joe Jackson

Chelsea Dagger – The Fratellis

Mess Around – Cage The Elephant

Stay Up Late – Talking Heads

All The Small Things – Blink 182

See The Constellation – They Might Be Giants

Crawling From The Wreckage – Rockpile

BIG FINALE:

Auf Wiedersehen – Cheap Trick

REVISED LIST IF WE HAVE A FEMALE SINGER:

Bad Reputation – Joan Jett

Precious – The Pretenders

6’1” – Liz Phair

These Boots Are Made For Walkin’ – Nancy Sinatra

Because I Do – X

One Way Or Another – Blondie

Mickey – Toni Basil

Our Lips Are Sealed – The Go-Go’s

Cannonball – The Breeders

Luka – Suzanne Vega

Cherry Bomb – The Runaways

Oh Nina – The Muffs

Ex’s and Oh’s – Elle King

I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked – Ida Maria

Baby Six String – Dressy Bessy

11:59 – Blondie

Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!) – Joan Jett

Crash – The Primitives

Piece of My Heart – Janis Joplin

BIG FINALE:

The End – The Messengers

Categories Music

That Ol’ Blind Nationalism

July 21, 2016 //

I was born in 1964, in the Midwest of the USA, to two raised-on-farms-folks who were descendants of European immigrants.

I didn’t ask for that. Nobody has any say-so as to where, when, and to whom they’re born.

Yet, for some reason, it seems I’m obligated to think, without any question, that the USA is the greatest country ever – just because fate said that’s where I was born.

Why is that?

Don’t get me wrong. I had a great upbringing, and I do like the USA. But why do I have to just blindly accept that it’s greater than other countries?

I’m sure many people have seen the popular scene from the HBO series “The Newsroom,” in which TV journalist Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels) answers the question “what makes America the greatest country in the world?” while part of a panel discussion in front of a large college audience. Just in case, here’s a transcript:

“It’s not the greatest country in the world, professor, and that’s my answer. Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn’t cost money; it costs votes and airtime and column inches. You know why people don’t like liberals? It’s because they lose. If liberals are so fuckin’ smart, how come they lose so goddamn always? And with a straight face, you’re gonna tell a bunch of college students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The U.K., Italy, Germany, France, Spain, Australia. Belgium has freedom! Two hundred and seven sovereign states in the world, and, like, a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.

(Addressing girl in crowd who asked question) “You, sorority girl. Just in case you wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know. And one of them is: there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest county in the world. We’re seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, a hundred-and-seventy-eighth in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six nations combined – twenty-five of whom are allies…so when you ask, ‘what makes us the greatest country in the world?’ I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

That’s pretty much my sentiment. And not just because I love Oscar-winning screenwriter Aaron Sorkin.

On a side note, I support our military personnel. I support our policemen. But these are professions people choose to go into – they’re not forced to do so. Does that mean I have to worship them? I went into public school teaching after college, largely because I thought it was a noble profession. It sure didn’t seem like people held me in high esteem (I lasted a year and said to myself, “this isn’t worth minimum wage”).

Anyway, I don’t get the blind nationalism. Many other countries have much better health care systems, education systems, job vacation policies, pay for their middle class, recreational drug laws, etc. They make us look pretty sad and backwards in comparison.

So, America, keep on waving your stars and stripes. Just know we’re not that fucking great.

Categories Life, Politics

My Celebrity Drinking List

June 25, 2016 //

If you could get drunk with any celebrity, who would you chose? Here’s my list:

Neil deGrasse Tyson. The guy’s so smart his head must be ready to explode. Get a few drinks in him and you’ll likely get 19 semesters’ worth of advanced astrophysics in two hours.

Likely favorite drink: Martini

Wild activity of the evening: Lying on our backs in the grass and repeatedly yelling at the stars: “Fuck you, universe!”

Anna Kendrick. She sure seems like she’d be a fun drunk. And she probably wouldn’t mind my clumsy flirtation attempts.

Likely favorite drink: Strawberry daiquiri (extra booze)

Wild activity of the evening: Beating up a paparazzi and peeing on his face

Christopher Walken. Two crazy people getting drunk. We could do impersonations of each other and rip our shirts off and beat our chests and such.

Likely favorite drink: Vodka on the rocks

Wild activity of the evening: Prank-calling the shit out of Gary Busey

Dave Grohl. Come on, how fun would this be? Super-talented, uber-cool, got lots of really interesting stories.

Likely favorite drink: Expensive imported beer

Wild activity of the evening: Riding around in a limo and whipping copies of the “Nevermind” album at people on the streets

Dave Attell. For those who are only into stand-up comedy .003% as much as I am, Dave’s an hilarious (and quite R-rated) comedian who’s been around forever. He’s a boozer, so you know it’d be a fun time.

Likely favorite drink: Whisky

Wild activity of the evening: Convincing young drunk girls we’re the guys from Wham!

Samuel L. Jackson. The encounter would make my coolness factor go up 1,338%. Hollywood debauchery stories would surely abound.

Likely favorite drink: Rum and Coke

Wild activity of the evening: Re-enacting the “foot massage” scene from Pulp Fiction in front of a crowd of enthralled bar patrons

Banksy. I have no idea how this would play out, but how many people can say they’ve gotten drunk with an elusive artist? Maybe he’s hilarious.

Likely favorite drink: Zima

Wild activity of the evening: He makes me part of an art piece, which unfortunately is me hanging upside down, painted chartreuse, and puking

Rip Torn. Who wouldn’t want to party with a belligerent 85-year-old actor? You know he’d be a blast. And oh, the stories…

Likely favorite drink: Jagermeister

Wild activity of the evening: Firing guns in the air, punching some cops, getting arrested, punching more cops

George R.R. Martin. Don’t know much about the guy, but he looks like he could put away some drinks. The encounter would be strictly to get him hammered and extort future Game of Thrones plotlines out of him.

Likely favorite drink: Strong wine

Wild activity of the evening: Prank-calling the shit out of J.K. Rowling

Grumpy Cat. Can animals get drunk? I hope so. This cat needs cheering up.

Likely favorite drink: Fermented milk

Wild activity of the evening: Snorting catnip and listening to “Dark Side of the Moon” over and over

Categories humorous

Learn, Baby, Learn

June 7, 2016 //

On one episode of Restaurant: Impossible (great show), Robert Irvine encountered, in his words, the worst eatery he’d ever seen.

I don’t recall all the details, but here are a few main points:

— There were fire hazards all over the place

— The back outdoor area was piled up with junk

— The front dining area was completely grimy

— Spoiled food was lying about

— They found several dead mice on the kitchen floor

You get the picture.

So what did Mr. Irvine do? If you guessed “turn that motherfucker around,” you win a kewpie doll.

He scrubbed and updated and renovated (as is his wont) and cleaned up the back area for DJ/dancing. There was a long line on opening night.

The episode’s postscript said they called the restaurant a few months later to see how they were going, and were told “everything’s great.” When the show sent a camera crew, however, there was a “closed” sign out front and junk piled up in the back area again.

My point is…some people don’t seem to learn.

I guess I just don’t get it. You choose to make your way in life, you’re a complete fuck-up at it, someone shows you how to do it correctly, and you just completely ignore their advice and carry on as a fuck-up?

In my first major paper I wrote as a college freshman, I used “it’s” instead of “its” (I wasn’t an English major yet). I got it back with all my mistakes circled and the message: “Learn its/it’s difference.” I never made that mistake again.

There have been many instances in my life where I’ve said, “yep, this is the way to go.” Someone at least as smart as me has said, “ummm…you might wanna rethink that.” Nine times out of ten, they’ve been right.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Learn from your mistakes, and if a wise person gives you good advice, take it. The world already has too many headstrong misguided fuck-ups.

Categories Life

Just Another Brick In The Wall

May 3, 2016 //

Time: The near future

Place: The U.S.-Mexico border

Prime directive: Build President Trump’s massive border wall

Several high-ranking Mexican officials have gathered to discuss the project. They have received Trump’s blueprints and project overview. (Note: All dialogue has been translated from Spanish.)

Juan (lead engineer): Let’s see what we have here from the U.S. (Unrolls blueprint) Ah. That looks insane.

Enrico (diplomat): (Looks through overview) That bastard says he wants us to pay for this monstrosity.

(Everyone laughs heartily)

Dave (secretary of conservation): What are we looking at here? Lots of concrete and gold?

Juan: Yes. I think millions of tons of each.

Random guy who wandered in: (Surveying blueprint) And asbestos. He wants it built with a lot of asbestos.

Dave: I know where we can get the asbestos cheap.

Felicia (stripper hired to class the place up): How long will this wall be?

Juan: From sea to shining sea, cupcake. (Winks and slaps Felica on the ass)

Tuco (thug): I say we build the shit out of this sonofabitch. (Thrusts knife into table dramatically)

Juan: Look closer at this – he wants 4,877 manned gun turrets, kennels to hold 1,988 bloodthirsty dogs, and housing for 500 people who just shout racial epithets.

Felicia: That magnificent bastard.

Enrico: With all that stuff, it’s going to cost 7,000,000,000,000,000 pesos. We’ll obviously skip out on that bill.

(Loud cheering)

Juan: This will take 29 years to build. When shall we tell him it’ll be done?

Random guy: Next month?

Juan: Done. Send word to Mr. Trump immediately.

The wall was finished 29 years later. Mr. Trump died in office and never came remotely close to seeing its completion.

Categories humorous, Politics