I found the first half of this a few months ago; I’d written it several years ago and forgotten about it.  I wrote the second half recently.


A hotel check-in desk.  A woman approaches.

CLERK:  May I help you?

DAWN:  I’d like a room, please.

CLERK:  Say, aren’t you Dawn Wells?  Mary Ann?  The actress? Well, you’re the actress, you were Mary Ann in the show.  Ginger was the actress in the show. Ha ha ha ha!

DAWN:  Yes.  It’s me.

CLERK:  Wow.  You look great.

DAWN:  Thanks.

CLERK:  I mean, how old are you anyway?  You look very good for your age.

DAWN (uncomfortable):  Listen, I just want a room.

CLERK:  Sure, sure. Single or double?

DAWN:  Single.

CLERK:  Interesting.  So – is the lovely Mary Ann meeting up with anyone later?

DAWN:  I don’t think that’s any of your business.

CLERK:  Right, right.  I’ll put you in 125. You can see the outdoor pool from your window.  Hope it doesn’t remind you too much of that island.  Ha ha ha!  Did you bring a bikini?  I mean a swimsuit?

DAWN (impatient): How much do I owe you?

CLERK:  Come on.  If Angelina Jolie walked through that door, I’d charge her double.  For Dawn Wells, it’s on me.

DAWN:  That’s very nice of you, but I think I’d rather –

CLERK (comes from behind the desk and takes her hand):  All I ask is one thing.  Let me come to your room.  Mary Ann has been one of my TV dream girls since I was seven.  You’re right up there with Bailey from WKRP in Cincinnati. I had a poster of you on my bedroom wall as a kid. Okay, not really, but I wanted one. I want to hold you. I want to visualize you in cut-offs and a halter top. I want to caress your shoulders and whistle the show’s theme song. I want you to shove a coconut cream pie in my face as I scream “I see a ship!”  What do you say?

DAWN (thinks): I’ve got a Gilligan costume in my bag.  You up for it?

CLERK:  Anything for Mary Ann Summers.

DAWN:  Great.  Give me ten minutes.  I left my whip in the car.