The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter’s temperature]
Alice Kingsley: I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

“Jimi Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit.  Do you know how much you have to puke to fill up a pool?” – Bill Hicks

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it. – Jean Kerr

McMurphy: She was fifteen years old, going on thirty-five, Doc, and she told me she was eighteen, she was very willing, I practically had to take to sewing my pants shut. Between you and me, uh, she might have been fifteen, but when you get that little red beaver right up there in front of you, I don’t think it’s crazy at all and I don’t think you do either. No man alive could resist that, and that’s why I got into jail to begin with. And now they’re telling me I’m crazy over here because I don’t sit there like a goddamn vegetable. Don’t make a bit of sense to me. If that’s what being crazy is, then I’m senseless, out of it, gone-down-the-road, wacko. But no more, no less, that’s it.

Travis Bickle: All the animals come out at night – whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. I go all over. I take people to the Bronx, Brooklyn, I take ’em to Harlem. I don’t care. Don’t make no difference to me. It does to some. Some won’t even take spooks. Don’t make no difference to me.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher…or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. – Douglas Adams

Everybody says, ‘You impress me as a guy who never wanted to be a movie star.’ I say, ‘Everybody in the world wants to be a movie star.’ – Rip Torn

Alex: Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn’t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!

Never think you’re better than anyone else, but don’t let anyone treat you like you’re worse than they are. – Rip Torn

Jake La Motta: You punch like you take it up the ass.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. – Marilyn Monroe

Doesn’t matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. – Dave Attell

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. – Lewis Black

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone. – Lenny Bruce

Phil: You wanna throw up here, or you wanna throw up in the car?
Ralph: I think… both.

Dewey Finn: God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people’s minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.

Happiness? A good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. — George Burns

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

I can accept failure; everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying. – Michael Jordan

Find people who think like you and stick with them. Make only music you are passionate about. Work only with people you like and trust. Don’t sign anything. – Steve Albini

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison

A lot of people believe that if everybody just did what they were told – obeyed – everything would be fine. But that’s not what life is all about. That’s not real. It’s never going to happen. – Matt Groening

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex.   I kept the receipt. — Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.  I can choose which it shall be.  Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet.   I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.  –  Groucho Marx

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. – Abraham Lincoln

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand. – Benny Hill

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. – Chris Rock

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to. – Elvis Presley

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff. – Frank Zappa

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. – Hunter S. Thompson

Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world. – Jack Nicholson

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. – Jackie Mason

Sometimes I am two people.  Johnny is the nice one.  Cash causes all the trouble.  They fight. – Johnny Cash

I live halfway between reality and theater at all times. And I was born this way. – Lady Gaga

If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms. – Mike Ditka

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction. – Oscar Wilde

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phylllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. – Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali

Don’t have sex, man.  It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. – Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. – Steve Martin

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet. – Truman Capote

So I’m ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. – Yogi Berra

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.  – Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. – Mitch Hedberg

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. – Mitch Hedberg

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. – Lucille Ball

I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I’m one of those people. – John Lennon

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? – Vince Lombardi

I like my players to be married and in debt.  That’s the way to motivate them. – Ernie Banks

Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand. – Leo Durocher

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. – Earl Wilson

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player.  It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.  – Casey Stengel

I knew when my career was over.  In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture.  – Bob Uecker

Baseball been berry berry good to me. – Chico Escuela (If you’re old you’ll remember this)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. – Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  She drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. – Henny Youngman

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls? – Stephen Colbert

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. – Tina Fey

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. – Marty Feldman

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake. – W.C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree. – W.C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one. – W.C. Fields

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue. – Stephen Fry

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. – Bob Hope

When you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s hard to know when you’re finished. – Tommy Smothers

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said “No.” – Margaret Smith

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. – Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’ – Demetri Martin

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours. – Eric Idle

If you’re so pro-life, do me a favor: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics — lock arms and block cemeteries. – Bill Hicks

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious. – Bill Hicks

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. – Bill Cosby

I wasn’t always black… there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger. – Bill Cosby

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad. – Samuel Goldwyn

Film lovers are sick people. – Francois Truffant

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right. – Woody Allen

Humanity, I love you because when you’re hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink. – e.e. cummings

All morons hate it when you call them a moron. – Holden Caulfield

Everyone knows a drunk driver is dangerous, but so is a drunk backseat driver, if he’s persuasive.  “Dude, turn left.”   “Those are trees.”  “Trust me.” – Demetri Martin

“Robert DeNiro gained 30 pounds for ‘Raging Bull’ and people called him a genius.  I gained 30 pounds for ‘Circle of Friends’ and people called me a cow.” – Minnie Driver

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish.  But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.  – Parenthood

America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.  – World’s Greatest Dad  (Robin Williams)

It’s not that I hate people.   It’s just that I feel a whole lot better when they’re not around. – Charles Bukowski

There is no premature ejaculation with masturbation.  Only efficiency. – Some comic whose name I’ve forgotten

There’s nothing sadder than an old hipster. – Lenny Bruce

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – Mahatma Gandhi

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.  When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.  That’s relativity.  – Albert Einstein

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? – Albert Einstein

The first thing to do when being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries is to release a tiger. – Monty Python

Like my old skleenball coach used to say, “find out what you don’t do well, then don’t do it.” – ALF

Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried yet.  – Mae West

Never spend money before you have it. – Thomas Jefferson

I’m only human, Meathead – and to be human is to be violent. – Archie Bunker

Why can’t they invent something for us to marry instead of women? – Fred Flintstone

Christianity is a good philosophy if you live it, but it’s controlled by white people who preach it but don’t practice it.  They just organize it and use it any which way they want. – Muhammad Ali

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.  Or not to have a mind.  Do I mean that? – Dan Quayle

My father taught me to work, but not to love it.  I never did like to work, and I don’t deny it.  I’d rather read, tell stories, crack jokes, talk, laugh – anything but work.  – Abraham Lincoln

 

Zoey:  Is he okay?

Aladeen:  Yes.  Luckily, the bullet hit him in the brain.  – The Dictator

 

Judge:  Young lady, are you trying to show contempt for this court?

Flower Belle [Mae West]:  No.  I’m doing my best to hide it.  – My Little Chickadee

 

Summer:   This can’t come as a total surprise to you.  I mean, we’ve been like Sid and Nancy for months.

Tom:   Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy.  Seven times with  a kitchen knife.  We’ve had some disagreements,  but I hardly think I’m Sid Vicious.

Summer:  No.  I’M Sid.  – (500) Days of Summer

 

My brother beat me.  My sister beat my brother.  My father beat my sister and my brother and me.  My mother beat my father, my sister and me and my brother.  The neighbors beat our family.  People down the block beat our neighbors and our family.  – Zelig

I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sounds exactly the same, when, in fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.  – Angus Young

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night, and in between, he does what he wants to do.  – Bob Dylan

Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always be a time when you will be grateful you did. – Sarah Caldwell

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.  – Epicurus

There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world; those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed. – Ray Goforth

You were born an original.  Don’t die a copy. – John Masons

You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.  – Eleanor Roosevelt

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. —  Oscar Wilde

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. – Marilyn Monroe

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.   Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

We must face the fact that the United States is neither omnipotent or omniscient; that we are only 6 percent of the world’s population; that we cannot impose our will upon the other 94 percent of mankind;  that we cannot right every wrong or reverse every adversity; and that therefore there cannot be an American solution to every world problem.  – John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My wife is amazing.  Really, all women are amazing.  And I mean that in a very pandering way.  – Jim Gaffigan

I love that animal rescue commercial with Sarah McLachlan.  Even the dogs in that commercial are like,  ‘that’s a little heavy-handed, Sarah.  We are just dogs, after all.  There’s still kids starving in Africa, right?’ – Jim Gaffigan

A child of five would understand this.  Someone fetch a child of five.  – Groucho Marx

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.  – Hedy Lamarr

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.   When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  – Fred Allen

My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.   If we’re looking for a source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. – P.J. O’Rourke

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going. – P.J. O’Rourke

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible. – Alfred Hitchcock

I never set out to be weird.  It was always other people who called me weird. – Frank Zappa

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. – Frank Zappa

Men are only as faithful as their options. —  Bill Maher

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around,  and don’t let anybody tell you different. – Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I love this country, but that’s probably because I’m rich. – Maria Bamford

Women say the number one thing they look for in a man is a sense of humor.  That means women are stepping over Tom Selleck to get to The Three Stooges. – Gilbert Gottfried

I get all my groceries from Sharper Image and SkyMall. – Jim Gaffigan

If your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you need to get your eyes stapled. – Stephen Colbert

Say nothing of my religion.  It is known to my God and myself alone.  Its evidence before the world is to be sought in my life; if that has been honest and dutiful to society, the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one. – Thomas Jefferson

I’ve got a Bears logo lighter and a Cubs logo lighter.

When I light a cigarette with the Bears lighter, the cig tastes like a contender with a rich history of toughness, determination, and competitiveness.

When I light a cigarette with the Cubs lighter, the cig tastes like bitterness, hopelessness, despair, and incompetence.  And it whines and makes excuses a lot.

—

If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? – Doug Stanhope

—

You know, I have one simple request.  And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!

—

Albert Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity.  He’s regarded as the father of modern physics.  He came up with E = MC2, which is one of the world’s most famous equations.  He planted the seed with FDR that led to the Manhattan Project.  He was a Nobel Prize winner and his name is synonymous with “genius.”  Monetarily, he didn’t have a lot of money and led a very middle-class existence.

Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is the star of a TV show aimed at people with I.Q.’s below room temperature.  He’s worth $10 million.

So don’t ever ask me “if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” again.  There’s obviously a major glitch in the whole system.

—

I worked with a comic once who took the stage while “You Shook Me All Night Long” played.  He lip-synched and got into it for a minute, then they cut the music.  He said, “I just discovered this great new band: Ack-Dick.”  I larfed.

—

My thought on the hit movie “Titanic”:  When the ex and I split up, we had it on VHS, and it’s long, so there were two tapes.  I asked, “can I just take the second part?”  Of course that didn’t fly, so now I don’t own any part of Titanic.  I thought Cameron was being way too obvious with targeting the giddy teen girl market, anyway.

WARNING: Huge gigantic catastrophic spoiler alert if you haven’t seen and want to see the film.

 

In the vastly underrated 2001 movie The Tao of Steve, the main character, Dex (Donal Logue), lives by his philosophy described in the title.

Dex is thirtyish, pretty slobby, not terribly attractive, and quite overweight.  At the beginning of the film, he’s attending a college reunion party.  In college, Dex was the fit, cool, popular guy who charmed and slept with lots of women.  He was also a drunken insensitive prick most of the time.  A group of women at the reunion comment to each other about the weight he’s gained…and reluctantly admit they slept with him back in the day.

Dex is a stoner-slacker type who works part-time as a Kindergarten teacher and lives with several roommates. They share Dex’s Tao of Steve philosophy: To get women, be a Steve.  Steve McGarrett, Steve Austin — but, most importantly, the epitome of cool: Steve McQueen.  McQueen was rugged and manly and always had swagger and confidence – but he was so cool about it.  Dex explains that good-looking guys can always rely on their looks, but average- or below-average-looking guys have to work at it.  His three-point plan goes:

 

1. Eliminate desire

2. Be excellent in her presence

3. Retreat

 

In summary, don’t let on you’re interested, do something awesome and unique to impress her, then split.  The gist is that attractive women are so used to guys strongly coming on to them that such actions will bewilder and intrigue them – and thus make you desirable.

Dex’s approach works for him: he picks up a young bartender at the party by showing her how to make a Long Island Tea using various world philosophies and religions as metaphors for the different liquors.  He’s very witty and charming and has an encyclopedic knowledge of philosophy.

But at the party Dex also meets Sid (Greer Goodman), who’s drumming in the punk band providing the entertainment.  He’s intrigued.  They talk, and he doesn’t remember her, but she remembers him.

Sid’s smart and knows how Dex is.  He keeps showing interest, using his method, but she continuously (and sarcastically, but politely) calls him on his lines and assumes he always has an ulterior motive.  Which, of course, makes Dex even more intrigued.  He’s not used to this.

It doesn’t take long for us to see that Dex is becoming unraveled by his own worldview.  He’s being a Steve and Sid’s not going for it.  We find out that the main reason she’s so cold is that they slept together in college – and Dex doesn’t remember it at all.

You see where this is going.  Dex has always been a charming womanizer.  And now he realizes he’s in love for the first time in his life – and the woman isn’t going for his sure-fire method.  Plus, he forgot an important moment that Sid obviously thinks was special.

One of Dex’s roommates is a younger protégé who Dex has been coaching in the Tao of Steve.  Dex finally tells him, “all this time I’ve been trying to make you me.  But you don’t want to be me.  I’m not even sure I want to be me.”

In the end, Dex spontaneously flies to New York to see Sid at her new job location (she’s a theater set designer). She sees he’s truly humbled and cares for her, and it all ends well (I love happy endings).

THE LESSON: you can have a foolproof method for picking up women.  Maybe you learned it from a book or DVD, maybe from a friend, maybe you came up with it yourself.  But you’ll eventually meet that special someone who will blow all that nonsense out of the water.

The trick, fellers, is to be honest with yourself and with the woman in whom you’re interested.  That’s it.  You don’t have to be Steve McQueen.  Because, let’s face it, nobody can be Steve McQueen.

Emceeing the Comedy Café in Milwaukee.  I borrowed the camera from a neighbor and set it up at the bar.   It was the biggest club in Milwaukee and I met some great comics there.

 

I’d forgotten I had it on VHS, and got it converted.  Stupid brain!

 

P.S.: The long hair was strictly to please the wife.  I thought it was just hot under the stage lights.

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fb1tjN3rcw

My favorite currently-broadcasting TV personality, Stephen Colbert, recently made a great joke on his show.  Well, they’re all great, but I particularly liked this one:

“If I wanted to throw away my kids’ college education money, I’d do it the old-fashioned way – by encouraging them to major in English.”

Of course I laughed.  It’s not like I haven’t heard it before.  Plus, I’m a Chicago Cubs fan.  I’m used to taking the easy punchline.

During my junior year at Northeast Missouri State U. (now called Truman University), another student and I were chatting in the hall between classes.  He told me he was majoring in business and wanted to make a lot of money.  Then he asked what I was majoring in.

I said, “English.  I’m planning on being a teacher.”

A puzzled look crossed his face.  “But there’s no money in that.”

I chuckled and said, “It’s not about money.”

He just walked away, shaking his head.

But I don’t blame him for not getting it.  Most Americans feel the same way.  “You want to spend a goodly chunk of money getting a degree in your native language?  Man, good luck doing anything worthwhile with that.  Ever heard of ‘return on investment?’”

Most people think all we do is quote Shakespeare and go on about thematic elements in To Kill a Mockingbird and argue how some guy named “Vonnegut” was a genius.  (FYI – that’s usually only after several stiff drinks at a boring party.)

Oh yeah, and we’re all annoying grammar policemen.  And none of us has “real” jobs.

But I’ll tell you something about English majors.  Every one I’ve known has had well-above-average written and verbal communication skills.  They’re usually pretty smart and intuitive, too, because they read and analyze often.

I realize reading and writing aren’t most people’s idea of fun.  “That’s something they make you do in school.  Why would I do that now that I don’t have to?”

But think about writing.  At almost any job you may have, you probably have to write something at least once a day.  Even if it’s a brief e-mail reporting inventory levels in the warehouse or a question about an upcoming staff meeting or how you’re miffed that Mary in Accounts Receivable has been taking too many days off.

If your writing is full of misspelled words and horrid grammar and basically sounds like a slow chimp wrote it, people are going to notice.  They probably won’t say anything to your face, but they’ll sure question your intelligence behind your back.

I’m not saying you have to earn an English degree to write well.  I’m just saying that learning and possessing above-average writing skills is a big advantage pretty much anyway you look at it.  I’ve gotten companywide e-mails from CEOs and VPs riddled with grammatical and spelling mistakes.  I’ve read them and thought, “couldn’t you have asked me to take ten minutes to proofread this so you didn’t look like as much of an idiot?”

I’ve always like to write.  I wrote my first horror/comedy story when I was four.  It was supposed to just be a horror story, but it turned out (unintentionally) more funny than scary.  I read because I like to learn and laugh and absorb unique writing styles.  I write because I have weird stuff in my head all the time and it seems a more legal and productive outlet than what many people with weird stuff in their heads sometimes do.

My job titles over the years: High-school English/Speech teacher, newspaper editor/reporter, editorial assistant, associate editor, editor, marketing copywriter.  All paid barely a living wage.

Do I regret any of it – or my choice in a degree?  Not a bit.

As a writer, I realize we can’t all be J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or James Patterson or John Grisham.  Those are all talented people with great imaginations who, somewhere at the start of their careers, got lucky enough to have a publisher choose to not toss their manuscript into his/her overflowing trashcan.  But all dedicated and passionate writers, like anyone in any profession, have dreams.

So don’t be too hard on us English majors.  We followed (and are following) our hearts, like most college students do.  It’s just that our talents, as is the case with many talented people, happen to usually not bring in the big bucks.  I mean, I left teaching because I got tired of enduring a lot of stress provided by maladjusted teenagers while being paid just above minimum wage.

Maybe the college kid in the hall was right.  But then again, maybe he’s now miserable, stuck in his cramped cubicle somewhere, clawing frustratingly toward that corner office — while I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

And folks, please don’t make the “I’ll take fries with that, Hemingway” joke.  That one got really old around 1985.

Clip from “Bowling for Columbine” where Michael Moore interviews Charlton Heston:

 

Dear Charlton Heston:

Now that you’re dead, is your brain more active than when you were alive?

Signed,

All the sensible people

 

Reply: Gary, no, no sensible people would say such a horrible thing about such a great man. Learn what Charlton Heston REALLY was, not what Michael Moore made him look like through WILLFULLY, MALICIOUSLY DISHONEST EDITING and worse, which I PROVE right from THIS VERY VIDEO.

See my other posts from months and years ago in this very thread. I even give TIME POINTS that you can FREEZE FRAME on to see what tricks Moore pulls.

 

Yada yada yada.  The guy was an idiot.

 

Reply: Neither Moore nor Heston was an idiot. Heston was in the early stages of Alzheimers, but Moore didn’t know that and neither did Heston. It wouldn’t be diagnosed for another year.

Heston was a great Civil Rights hero. When he told Moore, “We had a problem Civil Rights in the sixties,” he was talking about the sad fact that Civil Rights were being systematically DENIED to people in this nation based on skin color. And guess what? Heston got off his duff and DID something about it!

 

Mike was completely fair and Heston was clueless.  Am I the only one who noticed this?

 

Reply: Others do agree with you, but they’re just as demonstrably, provably wrong as you are.

“Mike” was NOT fair. At all. I PROVE that.

 

I’ve got a beer to drink and porn to watch.  Later.

Don’t know how many of you have heard my album, but here it is.  It’s titled “Tears of Falstaff.”  It’s a W.C. Fields line referring to the Shakespeare character.

Download all you want!  It’s free!

 

http://soundcloud.com/search?q%5Bfulltext%5D=Gary+Webel

Hip, determined evil multinational organization is looking for a seasoned or up-and-coming or slightly interested criminal mastermind who can deviously but efficiently take over the world.  The position is open due to our last acting mastermind accidentally falling into one of the many vats of hydrofluoric acid we have strewn about the lair.

QUALIFICATIONS:

Previous experience preferred, but not absolutely necessary.  We will seriously consider professional thieves, drug runners, street scammers, televangelists, video pirates, former politicians, or anyone who roots for the villain in James Bond movies.  Applicants possessing any kind of superpower will receive top consideration.

Knowledge of martial arts is a plus.  Ninja expertise preferred.  Most good guys know this stuff and we’ve suffered a few ass-kickings in the past.

A sarcastic wit and proficiency in snappy one-liners in tense situations is also preferred.

Must be a fast learner who quickly figures out our research department’s broad range of deadly gadgets.  Our last mastermind severely damaged his left cornea and sideburn when he lost control of his powerful laser bracelet.

Must be good with henchmen.  We had to cut some corners salary-wise, so most of our henchmen are incompetent bumblers.  So strong leadership skills with bumblers is mandatory.  Also, we had to cheap out on the uniforms, so the backs of the henchmen just say “HEN.” Must be able to motivate bumblers with “HEN” on their backs without judgment or mocking laughter.

SPECIAL OFFICE SKILLS:  Must be familiar with DOS, Windows 2.0 and XyWrite.  Yes, we’re a little short-budgeted in the IT department, too.  Must also have patience with our temperamental 14.4k dial-up modem.

LOCATION: Like we’d tell you.  Let’s just say it’s shaped like a demon’s skull and is strategically placed on some remote volcanic island somewhere.

SALARY: Sort of negotiable, depending on if CFO Alfonzo “Crusher” Stromboni takes his Prozac that day.  Compensation will be in small unmarked bills.

BENEFITS:  Eventual world domination, 401(k), full dental, executive washroom, every other Tuesday off to spread malevolence on your own time.

Interested individuals should contact Human Resources Manager Rex “Dynamo” Steele at dynamorocks@aol.com.  Please attach resume and police rap sheet, as well as a cover letter detailing why you’re the right megalomaniac to instill fear and trembling in all mankind.  No phone calls.  We’re probably tapped.

NOTE:  Must be available to start immediately.  We want to achieve complete control of the planet as soon as possible.  Or at least before global warming or thermonuclear war turns it into a chaotic ungovernable wasteland.

Tried to e-mail this to Chick-fil-A.  Signed up on the site, followed all the rules, checked all the boxes, tried to submit several times: no dice.  Clever.  Wouldn’t want guys like me writing you.

 

Dear sirs or madams or anyone listening with any sense there:

 

I love you guys.  A few months ago, I was a confident heterosexual, proudly banging young dumb blondes who I pumped a bunch of overpriced drinks into.

 

But then I tried one of your delicious chicken sandwiches (I assume they’re free-range, I’m a hippy).  Then a whole new world opened up to me.  I started noticing how attractive men are.  I got confusing thoughts that took a while to sort through.

 

But now I’m e-mailing this to you from The Manhole in Chicago.  Billy’s dancing half-naked on the bar, and Juan is laughing while sipping his Mai-Tai.  We’re having a blast.

 

So why don’t you take that stick out of your ass and come out of the closet?  And what idiot CEO would announce he’s a homophobe, knowing it would crush company profits?

 

Unless it was a brilliant publicity move.  I mean, it’s all over the TV.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

Gary

 

P.S. Can you send me a coupon for 50 cents off a sandwich?

I grew up with parents who were Methodist.  From birth, basically, they made me attend Sunday School and church every week.  When I got to be a teenager, there was an understanding: stay out late on Saturdays, do whatever you want, no curfews, no questions asked, but you have to get your ass up and go to church on Sunday morning.

Since then, I’ve told a few people about the arrangement.  Some of them have said, “that’s fascist.  I would never have agreed to that.”  I thought it was a pretty good deal.  Granted, trying to listen to a droning minister the morning after a bottle of Southern Comfort can be pretty brutal.

But here’s what I’ve surmised from 18 years of churchgoing and 48 years of observing mankind: there’s no way to prove there’s a God; there’s no way to prove there’s not a God.  It’s all speculation – what you choose to believe or not to believe.  If choosing to believe in God makes you a happier person and you’re not hurting anyone else because of it, so be it.  If choosing NOT to believe in God makes you a happier person and you’re not hurting anyone else because of it, so be it.  It only gets tense and ridiculous when either side starts hurling hateful accusations: “you don’t believe what I believe, and you’re ignorant (or going to hell) because of it.”

From a very young age, say six or so, I questioned the fairytale-like stories in the Bible.  Noah, Jonah and the whale, the parting of the Red Sea, etc.  I thought, “that all seems pretty far-fetched.  Those things could have happened, but…really?  And why does the entire congregation seem to blindly accept this as pure fact?”

But my main skepticism stemmed from the fact that all those obvious miracles of God occurred thousands of years ago.  I thought, “why doesn’t anything like that happen today, or even in recent history?  Why did God unleash all his cool stuff way back when, then have common folk pass the stories down by word of mouth for hundreds of years before they were finally written down by people who probably needed a really good editor?”

Then there was Genesis, and Adam and Eve.  Let’s see…there were just two people, and she was made from his rib, and they were banished from utopia because a talking snake cajoled her into eating an apple.  And now there are billions of people, of dozens of different races.  Seemed weird…and quite implausible.

I should go on the record as saying that I do believe in God.  Why?  I guess the short answer is, as stated before, it makes me a happier person.   When things are going well, I like to give thanks.  When things aren’t going well, I like to ask for strength and guidance.  Does that work?  Hard to say, but I’m not hurting anyone when I do it, and I don’t go around bragging about it.  And I never ask God for anything material.  That’s just selfish and asinine and a waste of a busy deity’s time.

And of all the people who have ever lived, Jesus is the person I most want to be like.  Not so much the preaching, but the cool hippie love-everybody thing.  And I guess that’s what frustrates me about so-called Christians – most I know don’t behave like Jesus at all.  They’re pretty disdainful toward the poor, the downtrodden, and anyone different than them (I’m looking at you, Republicans).  To quote Gandhi: “I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  They are so unlike your Christ.”

Was Jesus created by immaculate conception, a human brought into this world by a virgin impregnated by God himself?  Well…maybe.  Or maybe someone accidentally got knocked up and was ashamed of it and made up a bizarre story.

So regardless of whatever you believe or don’t believe, just relax.  Whether you voraciously digest everything in the “Good Book” or you think it’s total bullshit, we all need to try to peacefully coexist.  Don’t think your purely speculative point of view is a hard fact and everybody should agree with you.  We’re all God’s creatures, after all.  Or Vishnu’s or Allah’s.  Or nobody’s.  Who really knows for sure?