Tried to e-mail this to Chick-fil-A.  Signed up on the site, followed all the rules, checked all the boxes, tried to submit several times: no dice.  Clever.  Wouldn’t want guys like me writing you.


Dear sirs or madams or anyone listening with any sense there:


I love you guys.  A few months ago, I was a confident heterosexual, proudly banging young dumb blondes who I pumped a bunch of overpriced drinks into.


But then I tried one of your delicious chicken sandwiches (I assume they’re free-range, I’m a hippy).  Then a whole new world opened up to me.  I started noticing how attractive men are.  I got confusing thoughts that took a while to sort through.


But now I’m e-mailing this to you from The Manhole in Chicago.  Billy’s dancing half-naked on the bar, and Juan is laughing while sipping his Mai-Tai.  We’re having a blast.


So why don’t you take that stick out of your ass and come out of the closet?  And what idiot CEO would announce he’s a homophobe, knowing it would crush company profits?


Unless it was a brilliant publicity move.  I mean, it’s all over the TV.


Keep up the good work!




P.S. Can you send me a coupon for 50 cents off a sandwich?