Hip, determined evil multinational organization is looking for a seasoned or up-and-coming or slightly interested criminal mastermind who can deviously but efficiently take over the world.  The position is open due to our last acting mastermind accidentally falling into one of the many vats of hydrofluoric acid we have strewn about the lair.


Previous experience preferred, but not absolutely necessary.  We will seriously consider professional thieves, drug runners, street scammers, televangelists, video pirates, former politicians, or anyone who roots for the villain in James Bond movies.  Applicants possessing any kind of superpower will receive top consideration.

Knowledge of martial arts is a plus.  Ninja expertise preferred.  Most good guys know this stuff and we’ve suffered a few ass-kickings in the past.

A sarcastic wit and proficiency in snappy one-liners in tense situations is also preferred.

Must be a fast learner who quickly figures out our research department’s broad range of deadly gadgets.  Our last mastermind severely damaged his left cornea and sideburn when he lost control of his powerful laser bracelet.

Must be good with henchmen.  We had to cut some corners salary-wise, so most of our henchmen are incompetent bumblers.  So strong leadership skills with bumblers is mandatory.  Also, we had to cheap out on the uniforms, so the backs of the henchmen just say “HEN.” Must be able to motivate bumblers with “HEN” on their backs without judgment or mocking laughter.

SPECIAL OFFICE SKILLS:  Must be familiar with DOS, Windows 2.0 and XyWrite.  Yes, we’re a little short-budgeted in the IT department, too.  Must also have patience with our temperamental 14.4k dial-up modem.

LOCATION: Like we’d tell you.  Let’s just say it’s shaped like a demon’s skull and is strategically placed on some remote volcanic island somewhere.

SALARY: Sort of negotiable, depending on if CFO Alfonzo “Crusher” Stromboni takes his Prozac that day.  Compensation will be in small unmarked bills.

BENEFITS:  Eventual world domination, 401(k), full dental, executive washroom, every other Tuesday off to spread malevolence on your own time.

Interested individuals should contact Human Resources Manager Rex “Dynamo” Steele at dynamorocks@aol.com.  Please attach resume and police rap sheet, as well as a cover letter detailing why you’re the right megalomaniac to instill fear and trembling in all mankind.  No phone calls.  We’re probably tapped.

NOTE:  Must be available to start immediately.  We want to achieve complete control of the planet as soon as possible.  Or at least before global warming or thermonuclear war turns it into a chaotic ungovernable wasteland.