I’ve got a Bears logo lighter and a Cubs logo lighter.

When I light a cigarette with the Bears lighter, the cig tastes like a contender with a rich history of toughness, determination, and competitiveness.

When I light a cigarette with the Cubs lighter, the cig tastes like bitterness, hopelessness, despair, and incompetence.  And it whines and makes excuses a lot.

If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? – Doug Stanhope

You know, I have one simple request.  And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!

Albert Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity.  He’s regarded as the father of modern physics.  He came up with E = MC2, which is one of the world’s most famous equations.  He planted the seed with FDR that led to the Manhattan Project.  He was a Nobel Prize winner and his name is synonymous with “genius.”  Monetarily, he didn’t have a lot of money and led a very middle-class existence.

Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is the star of a TV show aimed at people with I.Q.’s below room temperature.  He’s worth $10 million.

So don’t ever ask me “if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” again.  There’s obviously a major glitch in the whole system.

I worked with a comic once who took the stage while “You Shook Me All Night Long” played.  He lip-synched and got into it for a minute, then they cut the music.  He said, “I just discovered this great new band: Ack-Dick.”  I larfed.

My thought on the hit movie “Titanic”:  When the ex and I split up, we had it on VHS, and it’s long, so there were two tapes.  I asked, “can I just take the second part?”  Of course that didn’t fly, so now I don’t own any part of Titanic.  I thought Cameron was being way too obvious with targeting the giddy teen girl market, anyway.