I’ve got a Bears logo lighter and a Cubs logo lighter.
When I light a cigarette with the Bears lighter, the cig tastes like a contender with a rich history of toughness, determination, and competitiveness.
When I light a cigarette with the Cubs lighter, the cig tastes like bitterness, hopelessness, despair, and incompetence. And it whines and makes excuses a lot.
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If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? – Doug Stanhope
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You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!
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Albert Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity. He’s regarded as the father of modern physics. He came up with E = MC2, which is one of the world’s most famous equations. He planted the seed with FDR that led to the Manhattan Project. He was a Nobel Prize winner and his name is synonymous with “genius.” Monetarily, he didn’t have a lot of money and led a very middle-class existence.
Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is the star of a TV show aimed at people with I.Q.’s below room temperature. He’s worth $10 million.
So don’t ever ask me “if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” again. There’s obviously a major glitch in the whole system.
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I worked with a comic once who took the stage while “You Shook Me All Night Long” played. He lip-synched and got into it for a minute, then they cut the music. He said, “I just discovered this great new band: Ack-Dick.” I larfed.
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My thought on the hit movie “Titanic”: When the ex and I split up, we had it on VHS, and it’s long, so there were two tapes. I asked, “can I just take the second part?” Of course that didn’t fly, so now I don’t own any part of Titanic. I thought Cameron was being way too obvious with targeting the giddy teen girl market, anyway.
