I’ve got a Bears logo lighter and a Cubs logo lighter.

When I light a cigarette with the Bears lighter, the cig tastes like a contender with a rich history of toughness, determination, and competitiveness.

When I light a cigarette with the Cubs lighter, the cig tastes like bitterness, hopelessness, despair, and incompetence.  And it whines and makes excuses a lot.

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If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? – Doug Stanhope

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You know, I have one simple request.  And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!

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Albert Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity.  He’s regarded as the father of modern physics.  He came up with E = MC2, which is one of the world’s most famous equations.  He planted the seed with FDR that led to the Manhattan Project.  He was a Nobel Prize winner and his name is synonymous with “genius.”  Monetarily, he didn’t have a lot of money and led a very middle-class existence.

Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is the star of a TV show aimed at people with I.Q.’s below room temperature.  He’s worth $10 million.

So don’t ever ask me “if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” again.  There’s obviously a major glitch in the whole system.

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I worked with a comic once who took the stage while “You Shook Me All Night Long” played.  He lip-synched and got into it for a minute, then they cut the music.  He said, “I just discovered this great new band: Ack-Dick.”  I larfed.

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My thought on the hit movie “Titanic”:  When the ex and I split up, we had it on VHS, and it’s long, so there were two tapes.  I asked, “can I just take the second part?”  Of course that didn’t fly, so now I don’t own any part of Titanic.  I thought Cameron was being way too obvious with targeting the giddy teen girl market, anyway.