Ever fantasize about the perfect pub/bar/tavern?   You know, the kind of place you’d be happy to park your butt for hours any or every night, imbibing to your heart’s content?  Here are my requirements for perfection:



Doesn’t really matter, but not a huge place.  As you’ll see below, some of the things take some space.  So the smallest place that would hold all the stuff below.  Easy access to bathrooms and smoking areas.



Kind of rectangular, about 12 seats.  Cozy; feels like you have just the right amount of disciples to adhere to your drunken philosophies.


TV screens

Big ones.  Like really big.  Two for sports, but only NFL, MLB, NBA or NHL.  None of this pseudo-sport pansy kid stuff.  One for Comedy Central, and one for some sort of trivia.  And one each continuously playing This Is Spinal Tap, Airplane!, and The Big Lebowski.  So 7 total.



A few classic 70’s pinball games, 2 pool tables, Galaga, Space Invaders, Rampage, and Elevator Action.  An accurate breathalyzer thingie.



Snazzy.  Cool rock playing in the background.  Big enough to avoid lines.  Dividers between urinals.   Interesting articles framed on the wall for you to read while you pee.  Never crowded.  Smells like cinnamon rolls.  No toilet guy you have to tip.


On tap

Sam Adams, Newcastle Brown Ale, Fat Tire, Smithwick’s, several high-alcohol microbrews.



The standard stuff, but there’s always Jim Beam, Seagram’s 7, Captain Morgan and plenty of mixers on hand.  And Jose Cuervo in case I think I might score and need a shot of courage.


Smoking arrangement

Nice outdoor area.  There’d be a little hut with heaters for the really cold days.



Excellent wings a must.  Good texture, flavor, and heat.  Also: juicy cheeseburgers, gooey pizza and loaded nachos.



I like the German/Bavarian thing.  Maybe because I’m mostly German and have visited Bavaria.  Although I’d say Irish is fun.  Perhaps German-Irish, like Tom Hagen in The Godfather.  Lord knows I love Oktoberfest and St. Pat’s celebrations.



Lots of hard rock, alternative, pop-punk.  Some traditional German and Irish stuff.  Some slow shit in case I want to find a floozy and drunkenly dance.



Babes.  As babey and work-experienced as you can get.  And by work-experienced I mean can flirt and keep 10 drink orders straight at the same time.  And babey and work-experienced babes often get mucho cashola from me.  Especially in the German freulein outfits carrying 8 giant beers.  Gott in Himmel.



Original stuff a must.  Cover bands occasionally if they’re really good.  Stage/dance area just big enough to hold the band and several boogying fans.



Lots of beer, liquor and food specials.  Karaoke contests where I win at least some of the time.  Open jam night for musicians, open mic night for comics.  Trivia night with lots of movie and music questions.  Obviously, big parties on Oktoberfest and St. Pat’s.



Within walking distance of good restaurants, entertainment, public transportation, and my dwelling.


So there you have it.  Actually, this could be my description of heaven, too.  Cheers!