Creed Bratton (played by Creed Bratton, formerly of the band The Grass Roots) is one of the funniest characters on The Office and TV in general.  His blog, Creed Thoughts, is also great:

http://blog.nbc.com/CreedThoughts/

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You may not have known this, but I’m one of the most-feared names in toe wrestling.  I’ve been training a lot this year, and if I don’t medal at the Toe Wrestling Championship, it’ll be a real drag, man.  I guess there’s always the shin-kicking contest to look forward to…

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it.  The last person to do this disappeared.  His name:  Creed Bratton.

Take a look at your friends.  If you don’t think you could pull off a decent white-collar crime together, it’s time to make some replacements.

I found this groovy badge at a hotel that says “Do Not Disturb.”  I’ve been wearing it around my neck, but it’s not working.  Guess I need to find coworkers who speak English.

People always seem to know it’s laundry day when I wear my shower curtain to work.

I tip waiters extremely well: tips on growing tomatoes, tips for Minecraft, tips for a quickie, tips for a zombie apocalypse, tips on juicing, tips for a curvy body…you name it, I got a tip.

I know for a fact that at least one person has stolen from this grocery store today: me.

Don’t you hate it when you pull that loose thread on your shirt and all your stolen croissants fall out?

I’d have to say my best profile is when I’m hanging upside-down in my gravity boots.  Gives my cheeks a nice rosy glow.

Hope everyone can make it to my rap battle this weekend.

Picked up a digital camera the other day, just in time for summer.  I hope the guy who owns it doesn’t miss it too much.

I’m a romantic guy.  Always have been.  Fell in love for the first time in the fourth grade with the truancy officer.

So these “haters” – will they just keep hating?  Not sure I get this generation…

Nothin’ good on the tube.  Guess I’ll have to watch a book again.

In a pinch, butter also makes a great moisturizer.

I think the greatest compliment you can give to someone you first meet is, “you look way better in person than you do in binoculars.”

Tried to high-five myself but just ended up clapping, which was still good.

Everybody listen up: when you’re e-mailing me, a lot of you are forgetting to add “I Love You.”  It’s rude.

What my guests heard my dog say was “bark bark bark howl,” but they’re wrong on so many levels.

I once knew a 300-million-dollar lotto winner.  Shared his winnings with his wife and sister.  That’s one lucky lady.

As long as you close your eyes, every British gal’s a hottie.

I already won the lottery.  I was born in the US of A, baby.  And as a backup, I have a Swiss passport.

Catching flies with your hands is fun, but catching frogs with your feet is a lot more satisfying.

I like to wear two undershirts most days because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game.

Sometime I’ll do shots of mouthwash.  It gets me a little tipsy and gives me great breath.

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job.  I will do whatever it takes to survive.  Like I did when I was a homeless man.

A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody’s business.  I’d like to put a piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens.  I’d also like to see her topless.

Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave.

Wish everyone would stop saying “it’s hotter than hell out.”  Hell is a lot hotter.

Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, two nipples, a butt, two kneecaps, a penis.  I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster.  And the reward for its capture?  All the riches in Scotland.  So I have one question: why are you here?

Who decided that we need both North and South Dakota?  It seems like a lot of wasted paperwork to me.

Beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin.  Or as I like to call it: Great Bratton.

So there I am, minding my own business, and Darnell offers me three bucks.  All I gotta do is walk by Andy and do this (makes a cutting-throat motion).  Darnell’s a chump.  I would’ve done it for anything.  I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.

I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff’s station.

I’m not offended by homosexuality.  In the 60’s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain.  It’s possible that a man slipped in.  There’d be no way of knowing.

I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower.  You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

Oh, I don’t steal things all the time.  It’s just something I do.  I stopped caring a long time ago.

Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.  When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to: (holds up fake passport) William Charles Scheider.

You don’t go by Monopoly, man!  That game is nuts!  You don’t just pick up “get out of jail free” cards!  Those things cost thousands!

(Describing Dwight’s pepper-spraying Roy) I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30.  Big fella comes in screaming about God-knows-what.  I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that.  So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels.  Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter…

You ever notice how you can only ooze two things?  Sexuality and pus.  Man, I tell ya.

I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer.  Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

(In reference to women getting fake boobs) I find it offensive.  Au naturel, baby.  That’s how I like ‘em.  Swing low, sweet chariots.

When I was in about fifth grade, one of the classes we took was chorus.  Usually we’d work on our songs for the year-end recital, but one week they let us off to sing some fun popular songs, like “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” and “Grandma’s Featherbed.”  The lyrics were printed in purple-type mimeograph ink (damn, that stuff smelled good).

One of the songs was Dr. Hook’s “Cover of the Rolling Stone.” I was amused that they changed the line from “I got a freaky old lady named Cocaine Katy” to “Cold Kane Katy.”  Come on, we’re 10, but we’re not stupid.  Well, a few of us aren’t.

I brought the lyrics home and had sat them on my bed with some other stuff.  The next day my mom stopped me in the hallway and said, “Gary, come to my room.  I need to talk to you.”  That was never a good thing to hear.

We went into my parent’s bedroom.  She had the lyrics in her hand.  She said, very seriously, “I don’t think I like the Rolling Stones.”

I said, “what do you mean?”

She said, “I don’t think they believe in Jesus.”

I finally gathered that she was upset over the lyric, “we got a genuine Indian guru who’s teaching us a better way.”

I calmly explained to her that, first, it wasn’t the Rolling Stones.  It was Dr. Hook singing about getting on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.  And it was a comedy song, and I thought it was really funny, and many other people must’ve thought so too, because it was a very popular song.

She finally settled down, but at that moment I realized: my mother and I are on completely different planets.

I suppose everyone fantasizes about winning a big lottery jackpot.  And there have been quite a few lottery winners over the years.

Ever watch those “Lottery Changed My Life”-type shows?  A few people are smart and even charitable with the money, and set themselves up for life.  But many blow their millions in a few years and end up right back in the trailer park where they started, bitter and confused.

It’s a gift, see?  You were chosen to gain great wealth in a short amount of time.  That’s a bit of a shock, even though you knew there was a slight chance when you bought the ticket.

Do you use your newfound wealth to help others and better the world, or do you use it for entirely selfish purposes?  What’s it gonna be, boy?

MY PLAN

Say I win several million.  Which is unlikely, since I don’t buy anything but the occasional $3 scratch-off.  Buy anyway, here’s my fantasy:

Dwelling:  I’d have a custom house built.  Nothing ostentatious; maybe a three-bedroom with a decent kitchen and a few rooms in which to play around.  I’m thinking a game room with a few classic pinball and arcade games, modest studio/music/recording/writing room, TV hangout room, bar area, etc.

Must-have: theater room.  Huge screen, modern projector and sound system, comfy cushy seats for 10 – 12.  Movie nights showing the classics.

Modest-sized outdoor party area; probably a pool.

Location:  Somewhere in California with marijuana dispensaries nearby.

Sustenance:  I don’t think I’d eat much differently than I do now.  Maybe enjoy a lobster or expensive steak once in a while.  Other than that – wait, CA has crappy pizza, right?  Dammit.  I’d have some Lou Malnati’s flown in from Chi-town.

Clothing:  The only times clothes have ever mattered to me is when I’m trying to impress someone.  That’s usually 1. A job interviewer;  2. A crowd for whom I’m performing;  3.  An attractive babe;  4.  A stern judge.   Other than that, I’d see what Slackerwear™ CA has to offer.

Vehicle:  Green 1968 Ford Mustang GT 390 Fastback, like Steve McQueen’s in Bullitt.  Hubcaps optional.

Spirituality:  I’d think about starting an online church.  It’d be free and I’d never ask for donations.  It’d promote peace, love, tolerance, and non-violent revolution.  Upkeep would be relatively inexpensive.  Humor would be mandatory.  Any advertisers would have to be hippie-type laid-back companies.

Charity:  I’d examine finances and see how much I could give to charities and still bankroll investments.  I’m sure that amount would be a lot.  Charities would include homeless shelters, halfway houses for the abused and addicted, mental illness, animal cruelty/rescue and veterans’ organizations, and as many other help-the-downtrodden places as possible.

I’d also help out any friends or family members as needed.

Investments:  I’d start a small artists’ production company.  It’d specialize in promoting just-starting-out musicians, filmmakers, writers and artists.  The goal would be to build up a steady income stream from albums, movies, books and other artistic media.

Anything left over would go into stock of high-tech medical and technological companies to hopefully be able to reinvest in other artistic ventures or donate to charities.

If all that fails, well, at least I’m in CA and can rent a studio apartment and wait tables and shop screenplays around like everybody else.   

Around 1989, I lived In Revere, MO.  Not far north was the small town of Keokuk, IA.

There was a bar in Keokuk named Mad Hatters that the now-ex-wife and I used to frequent.  They’d have DJs a few nights a week, and I asked if I could bring in some records and DJ one night (I knew the owner fairly well).

I ended up DJing a couple of times (for no pay, just drinks) and enjoyed it, though my slot was Tuesdays, and hardly anybody was ever there.

One night the owner asked me a favor.  The bar had male stripper shows once in awhile, and he needed me to DJ the show that weekend.  I think it paid $20.

“What do I have to do?”

“Just play whatever they want you to play.”

The night of the show, I went in with a few of my records.  They were scant in number because I didn’t own much music I’d consider stripper-friendly.  The bar also had some records.

I met with the guys beforehand; there were eight or so.  They were quite self-absorbed and pretty arrogant.  I asked about the music they wanted.  A couple of them gave me tapes and were snottily specific about what should be played and when.  The others had a “whatever” attitude.  Clearly, sound guys weren’t at the top of their “buddies” list.

The show started.  I was standing in a cramped booth, looking out a cut-out window, as scantily-clad six-pack-abs “hunks” gyrated in front of about 60 horny women (SIDE NOTE: small-town Iowa doesn’t produce a whole lot of cuties).

The ladies were eating it up.  I was trying to go off the guys’ signals to see if the music was okay.  That was tough when they have their crotches shoved in housewives’ faces and all you can see is their sweaty silhouetted backsides.

One long-haired guy came onstage, came up to me, and said “play something good.”  I put on Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” (great stripper song, right?).  He hated it and turned and glared at me a couple of times, mouthing something like. “too slow.”  I faded out and put on something else that seemed to sate him.

Afterwards, I said goodbye to the fellas.  They were completely indifferent.  And wiping off body glitter.  Okay, I made that part up.

THE PEEVE: I get that you’re “hunks” and you’ve chosen to travel around to Bumfuck Everywhere to gyrate in front of frustrated women.  That’s cool, do what ya gotta do.  But do you have to be assholes to someone who’s just trying to help you with your job?

Yeesh.  Get over yourselves.  At least half that time you spend obsessing over your bodies could be spent actually helping people other than by shoving your schwanschtuckers in poor Mary Lou’s drunken face.

I’ve never understood guys who don’t dance.  Remember at grade school gym dances, where all the girls stood on one side of the room and the boys stood on the other as the disco ball swirled and the punch got warm and Elton John crooned through cheap speakers?

Well, to the best of my understanding from conversations since that time, most of those girls really wanted someone to ask them to dance.  Usually a prick jock type, but really, anybody would have been nice.

I hear this from guys all the time.  “I was at a [party, wedding, club, etc.] and there was a hot woman there.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“No, I didn’t know what to say.”

“There was music playing, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you ask her to dance?”

“Oh, I don’t dance (mumbled excuse).”

Really.  You don’t dance.  There’s a hot woman there, music playing, perhaps people dancing, and you can’t politely ask to move around with her for a few minutes.  Okay, pussy.

What’s the big deal?  You ask, “what’s your name?  Moonstone?  Would you like to dance?”  If she says no, throw a drink in her face and storm off.  Okay, perhaps that’s not a good idea.  But say, “maybe later,” and beat a hasty retreat.

But let’s say she’s bored and wants some exercise and maybe even thinks you’re cute and/or confident and agrees to cut a rug.

You escort her out to the floor and move to the music.  It’s that simple.  All you have to do is move your hips and arms a little.  Nobody cares – get over yourself and pay attention to her dancing.

Is she having fun?  Is she barely tolerating you?  Is she grinding up against you as you stand there, frozen, as you stare into space?

Get with the program and read the signals.  And try to shake your booty a little, dipshit.

The songs ends and the next good song comes on.  She will either:

Say “thanks” and sit down.  Probably best you go sit in your own chair, unless she invites you to sit down with her.

Show enthusiasm and keep dancing for the next song.  Keep moving.  Pretend it’s chilly and you forgot a jacket.  Loosen up.  You’re a man gyrating with a chick, fer chrissake.

Take it from there.  At least you broke the ice, moron.

NOTE: Pretty much any way you “dance” is acceptable, unless it’s like Elaine on Seinfeld.  Then you’ll just be the office joke.

FUN FACT:  I did a comedy show at a small bar one time.  After the show, the stage converted to a small dance floor and a DJ pumped music.

I was hyped up after my act and wanted to dance.  AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” came on.  One of the all-time great dance songs.

All the women seemed to be with bigfoot boyfriends or out in chatty packs, so I walked onto the floor by myself.  This was when my hair was a little longer than shoulder-length.

I stood in the middle of the floor and started headbanging, whipping my locks back and forth.  After about 15 seconds, I looked up, and three hot leather-clad babes were dancing around me.  That was fun.

And you don’t dance.  Pussy.

The male Williams clan has certainly made its mark on country music.  Here’s a synopsis of gramps, daddy, and junior.

HANK WILLIAMS (HIRAM KING WILLIAMS) (1923 – 1953)

35 Billboard Top-Ten Country & Western singles; 11 Number Ones

In exchange for food, a black street performer taught him how to play guitar

Dropped out of school at age 14 to pursue career

Drank a lot

Could not read music

Became addicted to morphine and other painkillers

Grand Ole Opry fired him due to frequent drunkenness

Pills and alcohol caused heart failure

HANK WILLIAMS, JR. (RANDALL HANK WILLIAMS) (1946 – )

Grammy winner

Nicknamed “Bocephus”

Copied daddy early in career

Fell off mountain and nearly died in 1975

Plays 11 instruments

Song “All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight” used as opening song for Monday Night Football for many years; discontinued due to his controversial comments about the president

HANK WILLIAMS III (SHELTON HANK WILLIAMS) (1972 – )

Sings and plays bass, guitar, and drums

Plays not only country but punk and metal; he’s a member of punk-metal band Assjack, punk band Arson Anthem, and metal band Superjoint Ritual

Has released seven studio albums

Has appeared in a few films including Shooter with Mark Walhberg

Started out drumming in punk bands as a teenager

Albums are laced with profanity and anti-corporate-music sentiment

My family lived in the small town of Hudson, IL, from 1966 to 1972.  From about age 4 to 7, my mother would go grocery shopping twice a week or so at the local IGA.  I’d tag along, and mom would put my little sister in the cart.

Following her around while she pored over food choices was boring, so I’d spend the time perusing the comic book rack and the magazine rack.

NOTE: In small towns in the 70’s, nobody cared if a little kid was alone in a store reading whatever comic books/magazines he wanted.  They knew mom was there and the kid’s bored.

I remember at the time, as far as comics, I was into Sad Sack, Little Lulu, Scrooge McDuck, and the occasional Hulk or Spiderman or Batman.  I also liked war stuff like Sgt. Rock.  I usually bought them anyway, so I’d want to wait until I got home to read them.

But the magazine rack was the most intriguing – and freakin’ scary.

The bottom rack shelved the standard stuff (I read Mad and Cracked and Crazy, but usually bought those, too).

But the upper shelf had some pretty wild stuff.  And by “wild” I mean “stomach-churning-holy-shit-graphic-gory.”

I think EC Comics’ Tales from the Crypt was there, and that was one of the tamest.  Here are some illustrated images I remember:

Heads ripped off in extreme detail

Disembowelments

Eyeballs popping out and dangling

Werewolves clawing Victorian women to shreds

A sniper shooting people’s heads off

Graphic cannibalism

And LSD party that ends with everyone chopped to pieces

Body parts falling off

Vampirella: nice boobs

I remember seeing all this and being shocked and thinking, “I shouldn’t be reading this,” but it was fascinating.  And I read it every time I was there.

I suppose a therapist would tell me that early exposure to extreme violence warped me somehow.  I just thought it was really cool.  I mean, they had some talented artists who were committed to detail.

Later in life, I was looking forward to seeing my first horror movie.  I was 14, and my friend raved about how scary Halloween was.  So, in October of 1978, we sneaked in to see it.  I was ready for mayhem and buckets of gore, like in those magazines many years ago.

Not the case.  Yes, it’s a groundbreaking horror/suspense movie, but I kept waiting for the head-ripping-offs and disembowelments (those wouldn’t come until a few years later when the slasher craze hit).

FUN FACT: One day my 3-year-old sister grabbed a package of chocolate Ex-Lax from the checkout display stand.  She scarfed it down — thinking it was candy –- before anyone could stop her.

They had to rush her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped.  Stupid girls.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. – Ernest Hemingway

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. – Mark Twain

Don’t get it right, just get it written. – James Thurber

The first draft of everything is shit. – Ernest Hemingway

You fail only if you stop writing. – Ray Bradbury

If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. – Anais Nin

Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man. – Francis Bacon

There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. – W. Somerset Maugham

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation. – Graham Greene

Love is easy, and I love writing.  You can’t resist love.  You get an idea, someone says something, and you’re in love. – Ray Bradbury

In writing and politicking, it’s best not to think about it, just do it. – Gore Vidal

All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, as those who move easiest have learned to dance. – Alexander Pope

I look for ambiguity when I’m writing because life is ambiguous. – Keith Richards

The real joy is in constructing a sentence.  But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready. – Steve Martin

I just love writing.  It’s magical, it’s somewhere else to go, it’s somewhere much more dreadful, somewhere much more exciting.  Somewhere I feel I belong, possibly more than in the so-called real world.   – Tanith Lee

I am never going to have anything more to do with politics or politicians.  When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely to writing and painting. – Winston Churchill

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. – Robert A. Heinlein

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it. – Tennessee Williams

Writing is like prostitution.  First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.  — Moliere

All I’m writing is just what I feel, that’s all.  I just keep it almost naked.  And probably the words are so bland. – Jimi Hendrix

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. – Jules Renard

I am a drinker with writing problems. – Brendan Behan

Probably the deepest punk lyrics I’ve ever heard.

The Science of Myth – Screeching Weasel

If you’ve ever questioned beliefs that you hold you’re not alone

But you oughta realize that every myth is a metaphor

In the case of Christianity and Judaism there exists the belief

That spiritual matters are enslaved to history

The Buddhists believe that the functional aspects override the myth

While other religions use the literal core to build foundations with

See, half the world sees the myth as fact while it’s seen as a lie by the other half

And the simple truth is that it’s none of that

And somehow no matter what the world keeps turning

Somehow we get by without ever learning

Science and religion are not mutually exclusive

In fact, for better understanding we take the facts of science and apply them

And if both factors keep evolving then we continue getting information

But closing off possibilities makes it hard to see the bigger picture

Consider the case of the woman whose faith helped her make it through when she was raped and cut up left for dead in a trunk

Her beliefs held true

It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not ‘cause some things are better left without a doubt

And if it works then it gets the job done

Somehow, no matter what, the world keeps turning

My bi-monthly seven-and-a half-minute phone call.  It’s a slow robo-voice.  I’ve tried certifying through the website but it doesn’t seem to want to process my info.

Welcome to Teleserve, The Illinois Department of Employment Security’s telephone information system.  Information accessed from this system can also be accessed on the Internet at (web address).  You must be calling from a touch-tone telephone to use this system.  Please listen carefully as some of the questions have changed.

Maintain your eligibility for current and future unemployment insurance benefits by familiarizing yourself with following common mistake or misunderstanding:  Not being able to accept a new job.  In order to collect benefits, you must continually certify that you are able, available, and willing to accept suitable work.   Possible conflicts like attending school during working hours, travel, or limitations with childcare could limit your work availability and be an eligibility issue.  Report such issues when you certify for benefits.

To continue this call in English, press 1.

(1)

You may press your selection at any time.  Selections will automatically repeat.  The first selection on the menu is used to claim weeks of unemployment benefits, also called “certifying for benefits.”  To claim weeks of unemployment, press 1.

(1)

Please enter your nine-digit social security number.

(SSN#)

You have entered (my SSN#).  If this is correct, press 1.

(1)

Please enter your four-digit PIN.

(PIN)

You have entered (my PIN).   If this is correct, press 1.

(1)

You are answering questions for the week of Sunday, August 5^th, 2012, through Saturday, August 11^th, 2012, and, if appropriate, for the week of Sunday, August 12^th, 2012, through Saturday, August 18^th, 2012.   Please be sure you have all of your gross earnings and holiday pay information for this period of time.  If you do not have this information, please gather your records now and call back with the information.

Your answers to the following questions will be recorded.  If you hang up or are disconnected while you are answering these questions, your claim certification will not be processed.  Information will automatically repeat.

Have you received or will you receive holiday pay during the period of Sunday, August 5^th, 2012, through Saturday, August 18^th, 2012?   If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

You indicated that you have not received and will not receive holiday pay during the period of Sunday, August 5^th, through Saturday, August 18^th.   If this is correct, press 1.

(1)

Did you work during the period of Sunday, August 5^th, through Saturday, August 18^th?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

You have indicated that you did not work and have no earnings. If this is correct, press 1.

(1)

Has your dependency status changed during this certification period?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Were you able to work and available for work each day during your normal work week?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(1)

You indicated you were able and available for work each day during your normal work week.  If this is correct, press 1.

(1)

Did you actively look for work for the week of Sunday, August 5^th, through Saturday, August 18^th?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(1)

Did you refuse any offer of work during the week of Sunday, August 5^th, through Saturday, August 18^th?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Are you receiving or have you applied for social security benefits?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Other than social security, are you receiving or have you applied for a retirement or disability pension?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Did you attend school or receive training?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Do you have a current worker’s compensation claim or do you expect to receive worker’s compensation for a temporary disability?  ?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Has your telephone number changed?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

Has your mailing address or name changed?  If yes, press 1.  If no, press 3.

(3)

You must certify that your answers to the questions for this certification are true and correct.  The law provides penalties and fines and imprisonment for false statements to obtain benefits.  The information submitted by you to this department will be used by other federal, state or local agencies, and the information submitted by you to these agencies will be used by IDES in determining your eligibility for and amount of unemployment insurance benefits.  Do you certify that the information you gave for this certification is true?  If yes, press 1.  To reenter your claim certification, press 3.  To cancel your claim certification, press 7.   To repeat this statement, press the star key.

(1)

You have certified the information is true.  If this is correct, press 1.  To change your answer, press 3.

(1)

Remember, you must keep a list of the places you applied for work and you must be able to produce it when requested.  If at any time during your claim certification you were told to contact your local office, please do so as soon as possible.  Your claim certification for the period covering  Sunday,  August 5^th,  2012, through Saturday, August 18^th, 2012,  has been accepted.  Your next claim certification should be filed on (next time).  You should continue to certify even if an appeal has been filed.  This ends your filing at this time.  Information accessed though this system can also be accesses on the Internet at (web address).  Thank you for calling Teleserve.  Goodbye.

Hey, at least he said goodbye.