[Editor’s note: Professor Smartstuff is a professor. A professor of truth.]


Dear Professor Smartstuff:

Are there bugs in my eyes?


— Bug-Eyed in Baltimore


Dear Bug-Eyed:

It depends on what you mean. If you mean “insects,” then yes, there are billions of insects called Itchbitches in every single human eye. They eventually eat the entire eyeball. Try not to think about it. It’s horrific.

If you mean bugs like the CIA would plant or the cops in “The Wire” would use, then the answer is probably still yes. The government has bugs everywhere. They’re probably bugging this computer right now, the bastards.



Dear Professor Smartstuff:

Who shot J.R.?


— Curious in Kalamazoo


Dear Curious:

Geez, I really don’t remember. Some chick, I think. Great, now that will be nagging me all day.



Deer Professer Smrt stuf:

I swallered three rattellsnakes. Will I die?


— Snakey McSnakerson


Dear S.M.:

We all die. Will you die soon? I’d say yes. That doesn’t sound like a survivable scenario. It’ll probably be really painful, too. Thanks for writing!



Dear “Professor” “Smart” “Stuff”:

Would you rather be Fred Flintstone or George Jetson?


— Hanna and/or Barbera


Dear Either/Or Person:

You’re not going to fool me with that question. I’d be a genetically perfect combination of the two. Duh.



Dear Sir:

How hot is ice?


— Timmy Toblerone, age 4


Dear Lil’ Timmy:

Ha ha ha! That’s cute. Seriously, not very fucking hot.



Dear Prof. Guy:

I’m broke. How do I get money?


–“Poorboy” Pickenberry


Dear “Poor”:

Go to a surly loan shark, get a bundle, and gamble it into a fortune. Easy-peasy! Just don’t lose, because, well…just don’t lose. Or maybe fake an injury and sue somebody. Actually, I have no idea.



Dear Smartypants:

Would you rather be in “Game of Thrones” or “Married with Children”?


— Charlie “T.V. Tool” Fensicle


Dear Tool:

I’d be Al Bundy in “Game of Thrones.” That would be comedy gold.



Dearest and Most Honorable Smartbrain:

Who let the dogs out?




Dear Sicko:

I did, this morning. Remember? Why…did something happen?