I consider myself a pretty well-adjusted person.  As a kid, I received abundant positive attention from my parents, family and friends.  As a result, I require very little attention as an adult.


I really have no insecurities.  I’m pudgy, but I’m 49 years old and have to take weight-gaining pills to slow down my defective brain, so who cares?  Gray hair?  Had it for over 20 years; heard all the jokes.  Clothes?  Fashion’s for suckers.  I’m not cool because I haven’t heard of a particular band, haven’t seen a particular director’s films, haven’t read a particular book, or like a particular sports team?  Who gives a shit?


So you really can’t hurt my feelings.  And if you’re just trying to hurt my feelings in the first place, you’re the type of person I’ll describe below.


Let me start by saying that, in my experience, almost everyone craves some type of attention.  Most folks shoot for positive attention, such as giving a compliment, lending a helping hand, or achieving a noble goal.  Others can’t generate positive attention and resort to negative attention.  (I used to teach high school, and believe me, there’s plenty of the latter.)


Bullies.  Drama queens.  Hipster snobs.  Internet trolls.  You know the types.  They’ve all got something to prove:  I’m better than you, I’m smarter than you, I’m more of a badass than you, I’m trendier than you, I’m prettier than you.  Me me me, pay attention to me.


Anyway, I’m a pretty cheery guy, but there’s been one negative thing sticking in my head.  At that thing is all the people who have been insecure assholes to me in my life.


I posted a while back about my last boss, but there’s a long list of people who were just plain cruel and felt they had to show everyone their complete dominance over me.


Why are these people in my noggin?  My friends are all cool and my new coworkers are nice.  There’s nobody in my life telling me what a piece of shit I am.  So why are memories of toxic cretins invading my brain space?


Then something came to me.  I remembered a Simpsons quote.  It’s the episode where principal Skinner, Bart’s enemy, gets fired, and Ned Flanders takes over as principal.  Bart thinks it will be paradise, but he’s unhappy and directionless.  Lisa says (I’m paraphrasing): “Don’t you see, Bart?  You need a nemesis.”  Bart gets Skinner back and all is well.


Maybe that’s it.  Every time a dickhead (I’m using “dickhead” to represent both genders) has come into my life, I’ve taken the abuse, turned the other cheek and such, but I’ve secretly felt really good knowing I wasn’t an insecure got-shit-to-prove dickhead.


So…anyone want to be an insecure dickhead asshole to me so I can feel superior to you?