I recently started a new logistics position at a steamship company.  I’d been unemployed for over two years, and it’s nice to get back to being a productive member of society.

I’ve only been there about a week, but I’ve already noticed a huge difference between the new place and my last job: the people are actually nice and respectful.

You see, my last workplace was pretty tense.  Lots of yelling and emotional outbursts, and even an in-office fight.

But the worst part was my supervisor (let’s call him Dick), who tried to make my life as miserable as he could.  Every single day.  For seven years.

The guy was a trainwreck (that’s a pun, we worked moving rail freight).  Everyone knew he drank quite a bit, and would often knock down a few at lunchtime.  A couple of years after I started (and had endured a lot of harassment), he got his third DUI.  He said it was his third, but he’s quite a liar, so it was probably number 4 or 5.  He lost his license and needed a ride to and from work.  He approached me and asked, stating it “might be a few weeks.”

At first, a few other people also agreed to give him rides, so we’d take weekly rotations, picking him up every six weeks or so.  Not too bad, but remember, I was spending about an hour a day in a car with a guy who was a total shithead to me all day.

Before long, the other drivers couldn’t put up with him and stopped giving him rides.  I was the only one left.  I ended up being his sole driver for 4 years.  Picking him up added 45 minutes to my normal commute each day.  Often, he’d give me shit about my job performance in the car.  I rarely graced him with a response when he was being an asshole, but I’d think, “do you really think it’s wise to piss off someone who’s driving you 75 m.p.h. down the interstate and could end all this nonsense with a quick turn of the wheel?”

He was in an “only staying together for the kid” marriage, and would linger at the end of the day (forcing me to linger as well) because he didn’t want to go home.

You get the picture.  I could go on for hours.  Anyway, one day in the car he told me that if I lost my job, he’d give me a shitty recommendation if anyone asked.  I thought, “you’re such a cunt you’d try to prevent me from doing ANY other job?”

One week last year, right around this time, I kept obsessing about him.  I’d think of the numerous things he’d said, and what I should have said instead of always taking the high road.

So I composed a letter and e-mailed it to him at work early one weekday morning.  I told him I sent it to everyone in the office.  I know it’s rough, but the guy had to know what’s what.  I wouldn’t have sent it if he hadn’t flat-out told me he’d try to mess up any future employment.  Needless to say, I didn’t use him as a reference.

 

——

 

Dear Dick,

As you know, I was out sick when [Dick’s boss’s boss] called with the news I’d been laid off.  My first reaction wasn’t, “Damn, I don’t have a job.”  It was, “Thank God, now I never have to deal with Dick ever again.”

It doesn’t surprise me that you didn’t call me at home to say, “sorry about the news” or “let me know if I can do anything for you” or even “thanks for sacrificing hundreds of hours of sleep getting up early to drive my drunken ass to work for four years.” It doesn’t surprise me, because showing compassion is what non-sociopathic people do.

When I told you I needed time off to visit my dying mother in the hospital, you said, “I don’t know, that’s kind of short notice.  I don’t know if I can find a ride.”  Real sensitive unselfish grown-up stuff there, Dicky.

In seven years of performance reviews, you never gave me a single above-average mark, out of about 40 categories.  In fact, most of them were below average.  For an intelligent, college-educated employee who came in on time every day and did his best.  What’s that say about the supervisor?  I used to teach high school, and if for some reason I had a bright student for seven years who never got better than a C, I’d think I was a pretty shitty teacher to that student.  But then, I’m not a sociopath.

And, as you love to start sentences, “I’m curious…”  What managerial training did you take that taught you constantly berating employees in front of everyone is an effective motivational technique?  I thought managers were supposed to keep their employees happy and productive.  You do just the opposite.  Every friend and family member I ever talked to about you said the same thing: “How does that guy keep his job?” (My guess is you have incriminating photos of someone somewhere.)

You’re a joke, Dick, and the saddest part is that you don’t even slightly realize that.  On days you weren’t there (which, thankfully, was a lot), the department was ecstatic.  We were so much happier, relaxed, and more productive.  I don’t know a single coworker, inside or outside the department, who ever had anything positive to say about you.  Let’s just say it’s not a good sign when several people routinely comment, “I don’t know how you keep from punching Dick in the face.”  [Dick’s boss] and [Dick’s boss’s boss] each came to my desk (more than a few times) and basically said, “look, I know the guy’s a dick, but bear with him, okay?”

So, since I have nothing to lose:  Fuck you.  Fuck your plethora of insecurities and your need to project them on everyone.  Fuck the embarrassing way you act like a horny 15-year-old around any somewhat-attractive woman.  Fuck your juvenile storming-off temper tantrums.  Fuck the same five lame stories you tell over and over ad nauseum.  Fuck your blatant ass-kissing (you don’t have to loudly fake laugh EVERY time a superior says something remotely amusing).  Fuck “Bud Man” (by the way, what kind of known alcoholic dresses up as a beer mascot, jumps around on desks, and acts like a complete idiot?  Oh yeah, the oblivious attention-whore kind).

Tonight I have a date with a bottle of Jim Beam.  Because, you know, I’m not weak and can control that sort of thing.  You know what I’m going to drink to?  Never having to hear you pathetically fish for compliments and beg for validation ever again.

Have fun on your annual 146 days off, get plenty of rest on the second floor, and I’m glad they finally figured out what an idiot you are and busted you down from “supervisor.”  When you get fired, you can use me as a reference if you want.

Your pal,

Gary

 

P.S. Just a tip from a former professional comedian: laughing at your own “jokes,” especially when nobody else does (99.9% of the time), is just a big bag of sad.  And pranks?  How fifth-grade. Notice how nobody was even slightly amused when you covered [coworker]’s desk in tin foil?  I thought not.  She wasted a half-hour unwrapping everything.

P.S.S.  I still chuckle over the time you called me at 7:10 p.m. wondering why I hadn’t picked you up for work yet.  Drinking that night?

P.S.S.S. The phrase is, “the point is moot,” not “mute.”  Everyone always got a big kick out of that one.

P.S.S.S.S.  You once told me, “you know, people are scared of you,” but you wouldn’t tell me why.  I thought it was strange, since I’d always been quite well-liked at all my other jobs.  But we both know why “people” were “scared.”  I was a quiet white guy who took obvious constant shit from his boss day-in-day-out.  Those situations sometimes escalate and wind up on the national news.  Aren’t you glad I’m merely a clever writer and not an unhinged psychopath?  Count your blessings. Your next employee might be an unstable firearms enthusiast who’s not so tolerant of your condescending bullshit.

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