Here are the questions asked on Illinois’ application for a firearms identification card.  They’re simple yes-or-no check boxes, but here’s how I’d like to respond:



Are you a United States citizen/naturalized citizen?


You’re motherfuckin’ right I am.  U S of A, baby.



Have you ever been convicted of a felony?


Convicted?  You have to be caught first, right?  Ha ha ha.



In the past 5 years, have you been a patient in a mental institution or any medical facility used primarily for the care or treatment of persons for mental illness?


Every year, I take my two weeks’ vacation at the local psych ward.  It’s relaxing, the food’s pretty good, and you meet some interesting fellow vacationers.  Plus, you get to draw and do puzzles and play chess and watch TV sometimes.  And there’s this super-hot nurse with heaving cleavage.  Yowza.



Are you addicted to narcotics?


You mean like opium, heroin and morphine?  Shit, who isn’t?



Are you intellectually disabled?


I watch a lot of Fox News, so you be the judge.



Are you subject to an existing order of protection which prohibits you from possessing a firearm?


Listen, a restraining order’s just a piece of paper, capice?



Within the past 5 years, have you been convicted of battery, assault, aggravated assault, violation of an order of protection, or a substantially similar offense in which a firearm was used or possessed?


If “aggravated assault” means pistol-whipping a guy in the nuts for being a douchebag at the 7-11, then I’d kind of have to lean to the “yes” column.



Have you ever been convicted of domestic battery or a substantially similar offense (misdemeanor or felony)?


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  bitch gonna take my money, bitch gonna get a beatdown.



Have you ever been adjudicated a delinquent minor for the commission of an offense that if committed by an adult would be a felony?


I have no idea what that means, so I’m gonna go with “no.”



Are you an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States?


Supreme Leader Xaxar says this is classified information.



Have you ever been adjudicated as a mental defective?


My friends break my balls a lot for being a retard, if that’s what you mean.




NOTE:  Other than your basic info (name, address, SSN), this is all you have to do to apply.  Oh yeah, you send in $10.


FUN FACT:  This application can easily be found in PDF form in a Google search.  An Illinois fishing permit (which costs $15), however, requires clicking through several pages and entering loads of information.