All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Does whisky count as beer?

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold…and eaten.

If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re sadly mistaken.

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it — now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!

I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for TEN MINUTES.

I’m no supervising technician, I’m a technical supervisor.

It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Kids, kids. As far as daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the marina. It was just sitting in some guy’s boat!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip.

Remember that postcard grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Now Bart, since you broke grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break yours.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

Stealing! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-His-Name?

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.

They have the Internet on computers now?

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the…things? Uh… the things?

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re going to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Yeah Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Yes, honey…just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whisky bottle.

You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, “Homer, you’re a big disappointment,” and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.